Big Tom's Guide to New Years (2008 Edition)

Editor's note: this is something I wrote several years ago and just sent to my friends in a mass email. I'd been updating it and sending it around every year but this year I decided to just put it on my blog, cause I'm lazy like that.

Alright, so here comes New Year’s Eve. The last day of 2008. Now, I used to hate New Year’s Eve, cause its just sucked every year. There hadn’t been a day with more of a buildup and less of a payoff since my prom. However, I've come around on it. With so many people talking about how the day has become so over-rated it actually has made it under-rated. I've found it's all about managing expectations and planning. Don't worry, Big Tom has you covered. I’ve figured out a few rules that can help us all have an enjoyable night. Feel free to jot these down...

Location, Location, Location:
You would think that picking a destination would be a fairly easy thing to do. But, when you’re try to get this many people in line (and let’s face it, for some reason, this the day that you call people you haven’t talked to since last New Year’s) it’s a chore. It can be done, however, if you just keep the following in mind:

1. Everyone is going out. That’s right, even your local quiet bar is going to be overflowing with people tonight. Trying to find someplace that won’t be packed to capacity is like trying to find an Eagles fan who doesn’t hate Terrell Owens (shut up, that joke still works). Just make sure that everyone’s cell phone is charged so you can coordinate where you’re heading after the first place you go invariably sucks.
2. House or Bar? This essentially comes down to a personality question: would you rather be someplace sitting in a corner and cracking on drunk assholes that you don’t know, or sitting in a corner cracking on the drunk assholes that you do know?
3. Avoid “Theme” parties. I know it sounds like a great idea – “We can all wear costumes on New Years!” Yeah, well, New Coke sounded like a good idea once too. Here’s what happens: 1/3 of the people put a lot of time and effort into their costumes (usually these are the former theatre geeks), another 1/3 puts just enough effort in to get in the door and the other 1/3 don’t wear anything. This ends up dividing the party before it even starts. Just say no, people.


Drinking:
One of my bigger pet peeves of the New Years Eve tradition. It’s completely amateur night - same reason I can’t stand St. Patrick’s Day. Honestly, it’s insulting to the experienced drinkers in the room. But keep a few things in mind and you’ll be ok.

1. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. If you’re passing out by 3 in the afternoon, then you look just like the jackass that you are. Stick to the 1-2 drinks an hour rule until 10ish, and then go for the gusto.
2. Avoid the hard stuff early. Again, this is just so you don’t waste yourself by the time the party gets going. Also keep in mind that a Sex on The Beach will run you $12 tonight and you can stick with good ole beer for now.
3. No Guinness. As good as it may be, fills you up far too quickly.
4. Don’t be that guy. You know the one. Every guy in the bar is scooping out his chick and everyone is looking at him “like he knows me.” All it takes is one off-hand comment and he’s ready to take it to the street. Frankly, I let them get beat up - I think a good ass-kicking every now and again is a good way to keep life in perspective. But, how about you just keep your hands to yourself and not make your friends worry about that?
5. Don’t do Shots. Not only are they expensive as all hell tonight, and not only will they knock you on your ass far too quickly, but shots are the official ‘this party sucks’ line. They should be the last line of defense. Doing shots is conceding defeat and admitting you’ve played every game, told every joke, talked about every topic and now have nothing left to do but get as drunk as you can…

Transportation:
All you’ll hear all day is how much better for the world public transportation is. That’s a lovely notion, but I didn’t buy a big ‘ole SUV to have it sit in my driveway. Plus, at the rate President Bush is working to get things done by January 20th, the world is probably ending soon, anyways. Bite the bullet and spend the $40 to park in the city. True, you won’t get to spend as much of your money on drinks, but trust me, it’s better. Here’s why:

1. Move at your own pace. Get there when you want, leave when you want. Few things in life are as annoying as being in a crappy bar longer than you have to, because the train doesn’t leave for another 45 minutes.
2. Space. There is NOTHING worse than the train ride home on New Years. It’s full of the previously-mentioned amateurs who can’t hold their liquor, packed in like sardines. 14 year-olds who think they’re cool as they puke on the floor, combined with huge, sweaty, fat guys who couldn’t get a date - all right on top of you. Then, some brainiac decides to light a match to cover the puke smell and there goes all the oxygen out of the car. I believe this is how they get confessions out of terrorists.
3. Time. You may think the train is faster - trust me, its not. A normal train ride of 30 minutes takes over an hour on New Years. It’s the New Year’s scale – multiply everything (i.e., price or time) by at least two. Think about that, then re-read point #2.

Music:
Keep in mind the first song you hear in 2009 is supposed to be your song for the ENTIRE YEAR. Make it a good one. (For example, if I get stuck with anything pop princessy, I will be severely pissed off. Sinatra and Barry White are always good ones to have ready to go.) Get your requests in to the DJ early. If you’re at home you get one turn around the radio dial – that’s it. And if you’re the DJ for your gathering, a few simple rules:

1. Nothing too depressing. It’s a party for Christ-sake. Keep it light.
2. Nothing indie. Hey, you may be on the cutting edge of music. Not everyone else is. If this gets you down, just keep telling yourself that not everyone is as cool as you. But still, stick to songs everyone knows and can sing along to.
3. The Macarena, Locomotion, Celebration and We like to Party are NEVER acceptable. This one isn’t just for New Year’s Eve… I mean EVER.
4.Nothing from your childhood – stay modern. I know it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside to cling to your childhood as you get a year older. Just don’t do it in public. You can listen to Rainbow Connection when you get home.
5. Nothing that involves a ready-made dance. It’s going to be hard enough to walk home without adding a twisted ankle after you fall on your drunk ass. Also, it’s inconsiderate to those of us who may be 6’4”, have size 14 feet and be white Lithuanian/Irish guys (we only have but so much rhythm).

Dates (if you have one):
Well, I’m proud of you. You’ve gotten over the big hurdle and found someone. But just keep a few things in mind.

1. Your significant other will talk to members of the opposite sex tonight. This is for those of you who have a jealousy problem (we’ve already talked a little about you). Keep in mind alcohol is added to the mix tonight so people are a little more touchy-feely. But calm down – they’re still going home with you. Give them a lot of slack, as long as they’re with you when the ball drops.
2. Save the drama for your mama. This already a pretty stressful night, getting in, paying out the ass for stuff and feeling pretty much obligated to have fun. If a petty argument breaks out, don’t compound the situation by bringing up everything the person has done in the past year to piss you off… save it as ammo for the next fight.

And one final thing to those with dates (specifically those in long-term situations): Don’t propose on New Year’s. It’s incredibly unoriginal and steals everyone else’s thunder for the night. Not to mention, then other people will have to deal with the “When are you two getting engaged?” question. That’s very annoying.

Dates (if you don’t have one):
Hey, its all good, girlfriends pretty much suck anyways. Better to fly solo than stick with someone you're not that into. But, no need to go into 2009 alone.

1. Scope out your target. Hell, every other person is trying to figure out who else is single. If you spy a cute guy/girl, keep an eye out and keep them in mind so you’re not scrambling at 11:45.
2. Look for a girl with a tongue ring. This one doesn’t really need an explanation, does it?
3. Have a backup plan. Be ready for the rejection. Have 2 or 3 potential New Year’s hook-ups in mind.
4. Don’t attack too early. Buying a girl 3 drinks at 9 does nothing for you. First off, chances are she’ll be a lot more plastered and a lot more forgetful of just who the hell you are by midnight. And, don’t forget drinks are very expensive tonight. Wait until 10:30 and then go plant yourself by your target.
5. Have some fucking pride, man… So what if she has a thicker moustache than me? A kiss is still a kiss on New Year’s… right? NO. If you’re ashamed to tell your buddies about your new best girl, Hilga, then you’re better off going without.

The Kiss:
Alright, the payoff. Here’s where things get interesting:

1. How much is too much? Displays of public affection are fine. But there is a line that is drawn. Save the good stuff for when you get home. Plus, it’s very rude for those without dates.
2. Don’t make me get the fire hose. Look, bottom line here – all this really means is ‘hurrah, it’s Thursday morning.’ Not to mention, you know as well as I do that it’ll take you until February to actually start writing 2009 on checks. No need to start a make out session on the floor of whoever’s club, house or basement you may be in.
3. Be polite. If this is your first kiss with someone, don’t go in tongue first. If it wasn’t New Years then chances are you wouldn’t be getting anything anyways.
4. Don’t ask, Don’t tell. Hey, what happens on New Years stays on New Years. If, for whatever reason, your significant other can’t be with you this evening, don’t feel horrible giving someone else a polite peck on the cheek. If they’re not with you then my guess is the ‘different area code’ rule is in effect, anyhow. But, it stops at a kiss. No more. New Years is not a cheating holiday – we all know that’s Arbor Day.


2 Final Pieces of Advice:

Don’t get any on you… no matter what it is.

Tonight, spend money like there is no tomorrow, versus spending tonight like there’s no money.


"I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it”.
~Raymond Chandler

"The easiest way to spot a wanker in a pub is to look around and find who's drinking a Corona with a slice of lemon in the neck."
~Warwick Franks


Stay safe, have fun and talk to you in 2009…

-Big Tom