A Halloween Musical Interlude

...but not the one you were expecting. I bet you thought I was going to go with "Monster Mash." C'mon, you have to give me a little more credit than that. Even though I started doing the weekly musical interlude to save myself a day of worrying about what to write, that doesn't mean I'm going to totally mail it in. Instead, we're going with "Season of the Witch." I admit, I didn't exactly strain myself coming up with it, but at least I didn't go for the completely obvious one. The biggest problem was deciding which version to use, because there are about half a dozen out there. Personally I feel when in doubt, go with the original.

Happy Halloween Everyone!!

This Year's Pumpkins

When I was growing up we were strictly a one-pumpkin family. Now, at some point we expanded to having two pumpkins, which isn't unheard of, but in the last couple of years it has gone even further. Now we're one of 'those' families.

That's right, FIVE pumpkins. One for each grandchild.
Let's take a look at each of them individually.

Micky Mouse. The kids love the Mouse, copyrights be damned.

Jesse the Cowgirl from Toy Story.
We're not afraid of you, Disney!

Usually people carve something scary into their pumpkins.
We go with ballerinas. Scary indeed.

'Boo' and a ghost. See, we tried going for scary.

Then, we limp to the barn with my golf-themed pumpkin. Frankly, I don't love how this came out. I feel like it's too similar to last year. Also, I never hit it that close when I'm actually playing.

Let Me Save You Some Time

I have found that since the next generation arrived, I have really started to get back into Halloween. Personally, I had no use for the day between the ages of 15 and 26 and mostly found myself hoping we didn't get too many Trick-or-Treaters so that I would be left with more leftover Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. But now I really look forward to seeing my nieces and nephew in their costumes. I'm beginning to think that Halloween, like parades and the town of Wareham, is best left to the really young, their parents and their grandparents. However, despite my personal resurgence about the holiday, I don't love everything about it. For example, one of my least favorite things about Halloween week is that it is nearly impossible to find a non-horror movie on TV. Gone are all the random action movies I so enjoy on TNT and in their place is a line of fairly terrible horror movies, all of which have been made in the last six years because those are the only ones basic cable could afford the rights to show. The good news for this year is that I found this video online and it seems to be appropriate for this time of year. Now you won't have to get sucked in to watching a movie that you stumble upon halfway through.

Sex & Magic

Whenever I head down to the beach house, I switch over to the Cape Cod radio stations for better reception. (For years I wanted to work at one of these local Cape stations before I realised that they are basically volunteer work.) What I notice from listening often is that because those radio stations have weak signals (and therefore don't have a large listening radius and reach a very specific audience) almost all of the ads are for local Cape businesses. For the most part there is nothing wrong with it, even though it can lead to a lot of very homemade-sounding commercials. The thing is, the stations are so small they can't afford to turn down money and ads for business you normally wouldn't talk about on the radio get plenty of air time. Last time I was down there one very specific ad caught my ear. It was for the "Joke Shop & Adult Connection" in Hyannis. Apparently, it is a store that sells both 'marital aids' and Whoopee cushions. (Alas, they don't have a website.) But, if you do go, don't forget to bring the kids - there is a magician on Saturdays.

Look, I know the economy is still in a recovery mode and it's probably wise to combine businesses to save on renting out two locations. When Papa Gino's began sharing space with D'Angelos it was a stroke of genius for both companies. But even those guys would have to admit that a joke and adult shop is a rather odd combination. I can't imagine the clientele mixes too often. Let's be honest - if you're really good at performing magic you probably don't need to worry about marital aids. Also, just a word of advice for the parents, you really want to watch how far your kid wanders to other side of the store. Not to mention, I imagine browsing for marital aids gets downright strange with a clown hanging over your shoulder, squirting you with the fake flower on his lapel.

Now, trying to combine any type of store with an adult store is probably not going to work, but the question is whether or not this is the weirdest possible mix of two different types of businesses. I was thinking about it and came up with a few others I feel should never share retail space:

-A Lawn Fountain & Computer Repair Store. It's just electronics and water. What is the worst that could happen?

-Psychiatrist's Office and Party Supply Shop. Given how many people are afraid of clowns it probably isn't wise.

-Sporting Goods and Math Supplies. Yes, let's make sure the nerds and jocks interact as often as possible.

-Daddy's Junkie Music and Border's Books. "What? Do I have Alice in Chains? Oh, you asked for Jane Austin."

-A Butcher & Taxidermy Shop. Did you like that cut of beef? Do you want to see what it looked like before it came in?

A Mixed Bag Of Random

-Even though they lost, I walked away fairly impressed by the Heat following yesterday's game against the Boston Celtics. I thought they played exactly like what they are: a very good team who's stars had played a total of three minutes together before last night's game. It almost looked as though they were trying too hard to defer to each other. There was a reason they went on the big run once Wade was out of the game and James could go back to shooting first. Once they figure out how to play together and the urge to pass first fades they are going to get a lot better. Still, I don't think they will win 70 games and I continue to doubt that they have the size to win an NBA title as currently constructed. That being said, I don't think you'll see them held to 9 points in a quarter ever again.

-So, following last week's episode of South Park someone noticed that the episode featured a lot of dialog similar to a skit on CollegeHumor.com. According to the creators of the show they wanted to do an Inception parody, couldn't find a good copy online and thought the CollegeHumor skit was quoting the movie, when it was actually original comedic material. The CollegeHumor kids didn't see the big deal and let it go. Of course, now critics are wondering how much material other South Park episodes have 'borrowed' from the Internet. You fools. Don't you know what you are doing? This is just going to lead to an episode of South Park mocking all the people who criticise shows on the web. You've completely fallen for their plan. Honestly, at this point I think the Matt Stone and Trey Parker create controversy just so they can see who overreacts to it and inadvertently gives them a new source of material.

-I saw a commercial the other night for a new Wii edition of the first-person shooter game, GoldenEye. I fully believe that from 1998-2000 GoldenEye was responsible for more kids skipping class than any thing in the world. The fact that they are unleashing it back upon an unsuspecting new crop of incoming freshman who are a decade removed from this amazing game is downright cruel. GPAs across the country are about to plummet. At least because it is on the Wii people will get some exercise.

-So, about a year ago my mom and sisters went and saw a psychic. Now, like psychics do, this woman got just enough things right over the course of the year that my mother wants to go back and get another reading. (Apparently, we're ignoring the things she was dead-wrong about.) I don't have a problem with that, I just want it on record for the next time a sporting event I am watching starts to go the wrong direction and I try switching TVs and ultimately rooms trying to get the momentum shifted and my mom scoffs at my believe that where I am sitting effects the Celtics. All I'm saying is that we each have our own little irrational beliefs.

My Celtics Season Preview

Today is one of my favorite days of the year. As a man who loves both pomp and circumstance, it stands to reason that I love opening night in every sport. There is just something about the way everyone is full of hope about the upcoming season that puts an extra spring in my step. Right now all the players are healthy, every coaching decision is the right one and every team has a shot to make the playoffs if everything goes their way. However, this opening night is especially buzz-filled because it features a clash of two of the super teams in the NBA: The Boston Celtics and the Miami Heat.

After being six minutes and a healthy Kendrick Perkins away from another banner, the Celtics went out and completely reloaded the team. They brought in veteran big men Shaquille and Jermaine O'Neal, re-signed guards Nate Robinson and Ray Allen and also added free agent Delonte West. But, perhaps the biggest addition is a healthy Kevin Garnett, who is now a full season and a half removed from knee surgery and appears to have most of his lift back. He might never be back to where he was before getting hurt in Utah, but he's miles ahead of where he was last season. You could see in the preseason that he has a lift in his jump that was never evident last year. Add to that solid bench guys like Big Baby and Luke Harangody and this team looks 10 players deep. Even though they made the Finals last June, it is not a stretch to say this team is miles ahead of that squad.

In my opinion, the team has two main obstacles this season: health and morale. The guys the Celtics brought in add a lot of veteran leadership, which is a polite way of saying they are old. Guys like the O'Neals need to stay healthy or else all the offseason moves were for nothing. After all, you can't rebound wearing street clothes and sitting on the bench. The good news is that if we learned anything from last year's big playoff push it is that Head Coach Doc Rivers knows how to manage a veteran team. No need to kill yourself playing 45 minutes in January if you're planning to play until late June. Doc will carefully monitor every player's minutes and make sure that they don't burn themselves out trying to win 70 games in a season. It is not a stretch to assume everyone on the roster will be called upon to play a few crucial minutes as the season wears on, which is why it was so necessary to improve on the depth of last year's team. Still, there is a flipside: when you add this many players who are used to playing a lot of minutes it becomes a balancing act to keep the guys who's minutes they are taking happy. The fear is that guys like Glen Davis aren't going to get the playing time they have been accustomed to over the last couple of seasons and they might feel the need to make those minutes count when they do get into the game, disrupting the flow of the offense. You just keep your fingers crossed that everyone will be able to get enough touches so that it doesn't become a problem as the season wears on.

That aside, it's not like the Celtics won't have any issues to deal with from outside their own locker room. Every other team in the Eastern Conference seemed to have re-loaded their squad for this season as well. It (of course) starts with the Heat bringing in an All-Star team of guys like LeBron James, Chris Bosh and Mike Miller to team with Dwayne Wade. But, even the middle-of-the-pack teams made big free agent moves. The Knicks brought in A'mare Stoudemire, the Nets are most likely going to have Carmelo Anthony by the trading deadline, a good Bulls team added Carlos Boozer and even the Wizards lucked out in drafting talented rookie John Wall. In addition to all of that, the stacked Orlando Magic are still lurking around the upper level of the NBA and frisky teams like the Charlotte Bobcats are only going to get better with experience. Whoever comes out of the Eastern Conference will definitely have earned it.

Now, because the Celtics know that their goal is another banner and not a lot of regular season wins, I am not expecting them to run away with the East's #1 seed. In fact, I would not be surprised to see them finish third or even fourth in the conference, winning around 58 games. This is a team built for the playoffs and that is when I see the Celtics really turning it on. They have the size to out-rebound the Heat and Shaq is here to make guys like Dwight Howard work for every basket. To be honest, the more I think about it, I'm really not all that worried about their ability to get passed the other teams in the Eastern Conference. If they stay healthy (which I admit is a very big if) I am predicting a rubber match with the Lakers in the NBA Finals and this time the outcome will be different. Last year we were forced to throw guys like Sheldon Williams out there in crunch-time, but he's been replaced with former All-Stars like Jermaine O'Neal. Additions like that should make all the difference and that is why I'm predicting another championship come June.

Get This Man A Good Script

Having taken several marketing classes in college, I'm probably over-sensitive to ads on TV. I study them a little too closely and read way too much into what programs they are shown on, as if the fact I keep seeing the same ones repeatedly says something about me as a person. I almost get personally offended by the the fact that marketing professionals assume because I like golf it automatically means I must need investment advice, erectile dysfunction medication and a Cadillac. (Alright, I do want an Escalade.) But what really annoys me is when I keep seeing the same action movie trailer over and over again. Just because I watch a lot of sports does not mean I don't occasionally want to see a movie that makes me think. I was reminded of this over the weekend as I saw the trailer for the new runaway-train movie, Unstoppable, roughly 200 times. The movie is about a train that has mysteriously bypassed every one of the 400 safety measures that would realistically be in place and is now speeding down the track at roughly 4,000 miles an hour with no one behind the controls. And, wouldn't you know it, it is carrying a deadly substance that will wipe out the known universe if it crashes (which means in reality it would be closer to 800 safety measures). Now the only ones left to stop it are the crusty veteran engineer who has seen it all in this job (Denzel Washington) and a rookie on his first day (played by the new Captain Kirk). It's Speed meets Silver Streak meets an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine. In other words, it's probably gonna suck.

Now, watching Hollywood change one aspect of a movie we've already seen 100 times and then trying to sell it to us as a completely original idea is nothing new. ("This time the main character is black and the car is actually a boat! It's totally different!") Frankly, I have come to expect the lack of creativity. The person that I feel the worst for in all this is Washington. I've always like Denzel Washington and this trailer just bummed me out. Seriously, this is the best movie we could find for a two-time Oscar winner? This looks to be a role that could have been filled by any number of the good-but-not-great actors working today. You don't need serious acting chops to pretend to drive a train. I get that by adding a name like Denzel Washington to the project the budget probably tripled, but most of that had to go to paying Denzel. And what could Washington possibly get from this movie, other than a large sum of money? Also, if he needs the money this badly I really think he needs to talk to whoever is managing his finances. The sad thing is that this will be just another in a long line of misses for Denzel. If this movie is as bad as I think it is going to be, that means it will have been 4 years since his last good movie, American Gangster (and even that wasn't all that great). Watching him turn out clunker after clunker is getting sad.

Hollywood needs to get together and start offering Denzel Washington better movies to do. A quick look at Washington's IMDB page shows he only makes around one movie a year. You mean to tell me that Unstoppable was the best of the scripts that landed in his lap during that time? The only conclusion I can reach from all this is that he isn't being offered anything better, which I have a hard time coming to grips with. I once heard an interview in which Washington mentioned that he would love to do a comedy, but he never gets offered those kinds of roles. That is unthinkable to me. It sounds like people are so convince he'll say no that they don't even ask. What is the worst thing that happens? So he says no and he doesn't want to be in your movie - at least you tried. Also, what makes you so convinced he's going to turn your movie down? He's making movies like The Book of Eli. I seriously doubt he's got stacks of scripts to sort through and he's agonizing over which of these potential blockbusters he is going to choose from. Denzel is going to turn down 100% of the scripts he is not offered, so someone out there, I'm begging you, offer him a good movie. Otherwise he's going to keep making terrible career choices and someone is going to come and take his Oscars back.

Don't Tell Anyone I Own This Song

I feel as though every person has some music in their collection that they don't want other people to know about. If it is discovered, we quickly excuse it by saying a previous girlfriend/boyfriend/roommate must have left it there. Of course, that excuse becomes much harder to accept when the song is not only in your iTunes library, but has 67 plays. This brings us to this week's musical interlude selection. I really wish I didn't love this song as much as I do, because it is not what single, 30 year-old guys should be listening to. But, in addition to being a great song, I also enjoy the unbelievably cheesy music video which looks as though it was shot in the mid-70s instead of 1990, which was when this song came out.

Five Thoughts On Saturday

-Like most of the world, I'm happy to see the Rangers get to their first World Series. However, I reject this notion being put out there by the sports media that they have been this "star-crossed" franchise for years. That implies they tried hard and all the breaks went against them, which simply isn't the case. The reality is that for years the group that owned the Rangers were perfectly content to be in the middle of the pack, not spend a lot of money and be irrelevant by June. The A-Rod deal was the first and only time they even attempted to make a big splash and everyone knew that one move wouldn't be enough. I'm glad they finally have some postseason success, but let's not make this out like some long-suffering fanbase has finally been rewarded.

-I love how when people drive passed a house where the owners have put a couch on the sidewalk to be thrown away, we all turn into mini-interior decorators and begin to judge just how ugly the piece of furniture is. "Oh, I would never put that couch in my house." Well, clearly the people throwing it away realised how ugly it is as well. For all we know it is extremely comfortable and just needed a slip cover.

-I saw on a commerical the other day that Ernie DiGregorio is still the celebrity host down at Foxwoods Casino. Really? There isn't another retired athlete from the area that they could go to? I understand that he's from Rhode Island, they want a local guy and the picking from this area are probably slim, but you have got to figure that Flutie could easily be had. If not, it appears Antoine Walker could use the work. Perhaps he could work off some of that debt.

-Driving down the highway I passed a group of World War One tanks that were being carried on flatbeds, presumably to a military show. What I noticed is that the tanks all had nicknames of ladies, presumably from the men who used to operate them. This got me to thinking: should a lady really be flattered if a tank is named after her? I would get it if it was a sleek ship or something, but it really sends a mixed message when you tell a girl, "I saw this massive, box-shaped, slow-moving, green killing machine and thought of you."

-There was a big report on ESPN the other day about the results from a recent poll done by Seton Hall concerning the popularity of LeBron James before the upcoming season. Basically, while LeBron is not nearly as well-liked as he used to be, no one seems to care that LeBron switched teams. Instead most people resent the way he switched teams with his hour-long special, "The Decision." But, here's what really bothered me: at least once a week I get a phone call from some survey company, asking me to comment on political news or shopping habits even though I never asked to be put on their calling lists. How come this survey, which I would actually have had opinions on, never called?

What Did You Say?

You may remember a couple of weeks back I mentioned that I've suddenly developed allergies at the age of 30. Now, because of something in the air that my body has decided it no longer enjoys, I appear to be completely stuffed up. While I can deal with the clogged sinuses, the problem kicks up a notch whenever I lie down, because everything slides back and into my ear canals. Also, since I sleep on my side (apparently), by the time I wake up one ear is completely clogged. For the past couple of days I have been walking around barely hearing out of my left ear, which makes it sound as if everyone is under water. It has been very annoying, but the worst was this morning when I was trying to order breakfast and the waitress was standing on my left side. At least twice I smiled and nodded, having no idea what she might have asked. All I could do was simultaneously hope she wasn't asking me anything that would have made that response seem very rude. Anyway, because of my ear issues, I have been thinking back to the times in school when you would need to get a hearing test, which got me to thinking about two comedy bits about hearing and they've been stuck in my head all day.

The first was from Seinfeld:

With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."

And the second from Monty Python:

Worth A Thousand Words

Like all new parents, Shivaun and Marshall have been taking tons of pictures of their newest arrival, David. I got an email to check some of them out this morning and there was one that I thought perfectly summed up the life that David is in for. I like to call this picture, "...And it begins."


Obviously, I wasn't there to hear what the girls were saying, but I imagine it was something along the lines of this:

Addison: "...and she lived happily ever ever. That was the story if Cinderella. Now, onto the tale of Snow White."
Charlotte: "David. David. David. David. David. David. David. David. David. David. This is an elephant."
D-Mac: "Man, I have got to learn to walk ASAP."

Stop Hurting Yourselves, You Idiots

I have found myself becoming increasingly annoyed over the past couple of days during this continued national debate about the safety of football, brought about by the NFL stating that it wants to crack down on the severe hits that happen during this weekend's slate of games and the subsequent announcement that since fines do not appear to be much of a deterrent, they will begin to suspend players if they are deemed to have committed a dangerous helmet-to-helmet penalty. Now, while the NFL's sudden stance on violence hits and concussions is mildly amusing when you stop and consider that they spent the last 40 years advertising their sport through images of those same violent collisions, the fact that they have at least acknowledged head injuries are a serious issue is a step in the right direction. (Also, the stance that you care about the long-term health of your players while simultaneously pushing for a longer regular season and thus more chances for those same players to get hurt is the height of hypocrisy.) Still, what is really bothering me are the people that are going the other way because, like every other debate in this country, they have taken a perfectly reasonable position and strung it out to the most extreme end of the argument to try and make their case for why it is wrong. The NFL isn't looking to ban all hitting and turn the game into a glorified pillow-fight, like these people are arguing. All they want to do is stop the onslaught of helmet-to-helmet hits that seem to happen more and more frequently.

Not surprisingly, the majority of the people complaining about the sudden emphasis on making sure the violent collisions are curbed are defensive players. Look, I get it: you play defense because you can't really catch or throw all that well. Frankly, if you are slow on top of that then being a big hitter is all you have left. Therefore, I understand why the defensive players are wary of this. But, the NFL isn't saying you can't tackle as hard, they simply want you to watch where you aim. The simple explanation behind all this is that somewhere in the last decade or so, players forgot how to tackle properly. In an attempt to get the big hit (which is the only way most guys playing defense are ever going to get noticed by the average fan), too many defensive backs are lowering their heads and running straight where their intended target should be instead of keeping their eyes up and watching what they are doing. More often than not this results in the defensive player whiffing on the guy completely, but if the player with the ball has his head down as well, that is when problems occur. Aiming for the hips instead of the chest is just as likely to bring a guy down and decreases the chance of a head-to-head contact. It won't make a highlight real, but at least you'll remember your kid's name when you are 50. Really, it is taught at the most basic level of football, so it is possible to be a good tackler without being a human missile.

I know you have to be a little nuts to play professional football, but I never thought it would get to the point where you had to persuade guys to the idea of not turning their own brains to mush. Concussions are, after all, a two-way street and the defender could just as easily wind up hurt. I'm particularly annoyed at one player: James Harrison of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Harrison gets the biggest "Oh Please" award of the day for his stance that he needed a day off to contemplate retirement after being hit with nearly $75,000 in penalties for a couple of violent hits over the weekend. Harrison said he wasn't sure he could keep playing under these new rules. As a man who hates empty, theatrical gestures, I'm really not in the mood for this. James, you're not retiring and we both know it. You can't make this kind of money doing anything else in the world, so stop playing Hamlet. And if this was an attempt to make the league wring their hands at the thought all their defensive players could walk out on them, I got news for you: you play the wrong position in the wrong city. The Steelers can plug in another linebacker and in 3 months we'll all have forgotten your name. Don't forget, the NFL once replaced its entire workforce for a season: replacing one guy won't be an issue.

Also, to give up a lucrative career for what could very well be one big PR stunt is ludicrous. Because of the 24-hour news cycle, the NFL is worried that the parents of young kids are going to keep hearing about head injuries, decide not to let their kids play a game which could have such long-term side effects and that would essentially cut the league off from it's future work force and fans. But, if you just look at the raw numbers, in reality we're talking about maybe 50 hits throughout the course of the first quarter of the NFL season, during which there have been thousands and thousands of tackles. You clean up that small number and this isn't even an issue. (Ironically, if the league wasn't doing such a good job at marketing itself with things like DirectTV and The Red Zone then it this never would have become an issue in the first place.) Plus, with the low attention span of the average sports fan, there is an above-average chance that this whole thing will be forgotten by the eighth week of the season. Still, this is the best thing for everyone involved. A crackdown on concussion-inducing hits is the best possible thing for everyone involved and will ultimately remind everyone that football is safe to play as long as you play it the right way.

Four Questions With No Answers

-Every time I see a commercial these days (especially for the big financial firms) there are symbols at the end of it which inform me that the company has a Facebook page, a Twitter account or both. This infuriates my father, because he doesn't understand why people would want to be 'friends' with a business. I think he has a point. Now, I get why you would want to be friends with a sports organization or some other fun company you wanted to work for, but not some random financial firm. Which got me to thinking: What percentage of the people who are friends with a business on Facebook are not employees of that company? I'd put the number at something low, like 5% and I would imagine that even those people work in the same industry as the business they are friends with. I refuse to believe you're going to find random teenage girls who want to see what is going on with Bank of America on a day-to-day basis.

-I recently went to the Coinstar machine and turned in all my loose change, where I discovered that you can either get cash and they take a percentage of every dollar, or you can get a gift certificate with no money taken out. Since I hadn't bought any new music for ages, I went with the iTunes gift card. Upon finding a song I wanted, I was informed that there have been some changes made to the iTunes agreement. Clicking the link I was greeted with a lengthy document. So, here's my question: Is there a smaller transaction with a longer legal contract than what you see when you want to buy music through iTunes? Honestly, it's a .99 cent transaction and the legal document that goes with it is 30 pages. I give you a dollar, you give me the theme song for Sons of Anarchy. We don't need to involve lawyers for this. The Declaration of Independence wasn't this wordy.

-The other night I was eating something and on the package were the rules for a contest I inadvertently entered by purchasing this product. Even though I had already lost, since I had nothing else to do at that moment I began to read the rules. They stated that if you won the contest and didn't want the prize you could instead opt for the cash equivalent of the prizes, which were listed on the packaging. First prize was a new car, valued at roughly $40,000. Second prize was a trip to the set of ESPN's College GameDay and a meeting with crew. Value? About $4,000. Ok, first off, that seems like a large step down from first to second prize. Secondly: Who calculates the value of contest prizes? I only ask because clearly they overestimate how excited anyone would be to go to the College GameDay set. Look, I love that show and I watch it every Saturday before the games. But I would take happily take half that money and stay home.

-One last question: In this day and age of compression tee-shirts and thermal clothes that are skin-tight and therefore easily worn underneath clothing, why are pitchers who get on base during the playoffs still wearing jackets on the basepaths? Really, I can't take you or your sport seriously if you are playing it while wearing a bulky piece of clothing. I mean, can a pitcher really get that cold in the fifteen minutes he might be standing on first base? He should be moving enough (taking leads, potentially running to the next base) that his body won't lock up on him. The fact that they are so worried about it really leads me to doubt their athletic prowess. Also, I hold out hope that if we told the pitchers they could no longer wear jackets on the basepaths, the opposing pitcher, sympathetic to his fellow hurler's plight, would speed things up out of professional courtesy. Then maybe one of these games would end in under 4 fours.

One Question Yields Lots Of Answers

I often feel like you can learn a lot about a person by how they answer one or two specific questions. For example, the question of "Do you prefer The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?" can tell me a lot more than just your musical preferences. I believe how you answer says a lot about the person you are, because one was perhaps the most influential band in history churning out some of the most iconic music ever created, while the other has been opening with the exact same song since the 1960s and is now known simply for the fact that everyone is amazed that their guitarist isn't dead yet. It should not even be much of a debate. Therefore, if you answer with the Rolling Stones, I can safely assume you did this because you think everyone is going to answer with The Beatles and you have some deep-seeded urge to try and be different just for the sake of being different. Having been around this type before, I also know that they are always difficult to get along with and can conclude that you and I should not hang out. (Seriously, have you ever tried deciding on a movie to watch with these kinds of people? They never want to see any movie that gets a lot of good reviews. It makes something that should be simple into a giant process.)

Another question which can uncover several deeper answers is the classic re-heating debate of "oven versus microwave." I don't think anyone would argue that food is always better if it has been thoroughly reheated in the oven instead of just tossed into the microwave to warm until the center is no longer frozen. Food from the oven is always nice and crispy, whereas microwaved food always ends up with a rather soggy texture. Again, if all things were equal it wouldn't even be a discussion. The problem is that all things aren't equal - between pre-heating the oven and the fact that cooking in an oven takes 300% longer, it is not a quick process to reheat anything that way. You really have to weigh the pros and cons of the entire operation. Are you the kind of person who needs instant gratification, or are you willing to sit back and take the time to do something the right way, even if it requires more patience? This decision could very well tell me if you are the kind of person who will take shortcuts in other areas of life or if you are someone who believes that people should do thinks the right way the first time, regardless of whether or not it will take longer. Then again, maybe you skipped lunch and all it really means is that you are extremely hungry at that moment.

-Speaking of a seemingly small action speaking volumes about a larger issue, I couldn't help but notice the Cowboys getting flagged for excessive celebration for the second straight week. Now, for those of you not lucky enough to have the Red Zone Channel, last week the Cowboys scored a late touchdown in their close game against the Tennessee Titans. The problem was that following the touchdown Jason Witten gave the ball to one of his linemen to spike and the NFL has rules against multiple teammates engaging in post-touchdown celebrations (which are extremely, extremely stupid, but we're not here to talk about that). The Cowboys were penalized fifteen yards on the kickoff and the Titans took advantage of the short field to re-take the lead moments later. After the game Dallas Head Coach Wade Phillips said he liked his teams to show emotion and had no problem taking the penalty. Well, fast forward to this week and on their very first touchdown of the game the Cowboys were again flagged for multiple teammates engaging in celebration. To me, this shows how unprepared Wade Phillips is to be a head coach. Look, you can not agree with the excessive celebration rules, but sometimes you have to follow rules you don't like. I guarantee that the successful teams around the NFL would have made it a point this week to talk about what constitutes excessive celebration and how to avoid it. The fact that it happened a second time shows me that the Cowboys are not a well-run team and points out exactly why Wade Phillips is going to be looking for a job very soon.

A Bizarre Musical Choice

This was really a weird week. Honestly, everything has been "off" for the past few days. Not seriously mess up, but just different enough that you notice it. Because of that, this week's musical interlude almost picked itself.

Some Randomness

-A couple days ago I tried pre-packaged, frozen quesadillas for lunch. Now, they were pretty good for what they were. A little bland, but that is how I like my Mexican food. Besides, this isn't a food review. This is about the fact that the pre-packaged, frozen quesadillas came out of the package with grill lines on them. Look, I understand this company is trying to convince me that this is authentic Mexican food, but I'm here to tell them it is unnecessary. I'm a big boy - I know what I'm getting myself into when I have frozen quesadillas for lunch. Do they really expect me to believe this food was grilled by a chef in some large kitchen, cut up, packaged, frozen and shipped out? It was made by a machine in a factory: I know it and you know it. Adding fake grill lines just adds more chemicals to what is already not the healthiest food choice. Thus, here is my message to the makers of all frozen foods: I appreciate the effort to try and fool me into thinking this is real food, but it is unnecessary. You can skip that step and no one will care.

-The other night there was a story on the news about how gas prices have spiked suddenly and without a tangible reason. Let me help those news organizations out - gas prices have gone up because oil companies are evil and raise prices on a whim. They only kept them under control over the summer because of the BP oil spill giving the entire industry bad press. Had oil companies been price-gouging while simultaneously being lumped in with the people destroying the ocean it would have led to a nation-wide protests and investigations by consumer advocates. However, they figure enough time has passed that they can start being evil again without the entire country flipping out on them. There is your story.

-Given the fact that the Rangers are still paying Alex Rodriguez a large sum of deferred money from the contract he signed with the team back in 2001, I feel like they should be able to have a say in how much he plays during the ALCS. Maybe not whether or not he sits, but at the very least where he bats in the line-up. Seems only fair.

How Many Strikes Does He Get?

Unlike many die-hard sports fans, I don't dislike all the other franchises just for having the gall to not be my favorite team. I pretty much only reserve my day-in and day-out hate for the Lakers, Pistons and Yankees (also the Steelers and Cowboys if they get to the Super Bowl). I guess I'm supposed to hate more teams, but unless they are playing one of my teams I just don't have it in me. Most of the time I find myself either not thinking about other teams enough to not like them or rooting for them if it would be a fun upset, provided it isn't against a team from Boston. Then there are other times I will have a rooting interest in a team if I have friends or family who root for them. For example there is a team like the Washington Wizards - I have a friend who I used to work with, who grew up in D.C. and who really likes the Wizards. Since smack-talking between friends before a Celtics/Wizards game is a lot more fun if the other team actually has a chance to win occasionally, I would like the Wizards to be a well-run franchise. It is because of this slim Wizard connection that I have been following the Gilbert Arenas situation so closely.

For those of you who might not follow the NBA like I do (read: 98% of the population), Gilbert Arenas is a point guard out of Arizona. He was a second round pick for the Warriors and had a couple nice seasons there before signing a big contract in Washington. Teaming with Antawn Jamison they managed to get the Wizards into the playoffs a few times and won an occasional series but never did much else once they got there. On a player scale of 1-10, I would have given Arenas about a 7. A nice enough player, but not the superstar that nice players always seem to get hyped into by NBA media relations people. Also on his side was that Arenas was particularly media-savvy. He had a very popular and funny blog and the beat writers loved him, which helped cover up a lot of underlying issues. He had started to get a reputation as a bit of a hot-head as well as a guy who would pout if things did not go his way. There were numerous reports that if Arenas was losing in one of the mini-games that often break out after practice in the NBA, he would continually change the rules to his benefit and if the people didn't agree to those changes he would storm off and declare himself the winner. There is also a report he once took a dump in a teammate's sneaker as a 'joke'. Classy guy. But, because the media was on his side, this kind of behavior was written off as just "Gilbert being Gilbert." (Sound familiar, Red Sox fans?)

Plus, an organization is often willing to overlook all that kind of stuff when the guy is playing well, which Arenas was. The problems really started about two years ago when Gilbert began to repeatedly getting hurt. At first he told the team he would rehab on his own, only he then got mad at the team when his knee didn't get better quickly, saying it was the organization's fault, because they should have forced him to rehab their way. Despite this, the Wizards gave him a second huge contract. Arenas rewarded them by getting hurt again early in the next season, then saying he was in no rush to come back because the team wasn't winning. Apparently a huge contract wasn't incentive enough. Then, what should have been the breaking point came last season. Now, Arenas was apparently notorious for refusing to pay off any money he lost on the team plane rides, having lower-salaried players cover for him and then never paying those teammates back. Well, one of his teammates called him out on it and demanded to be paid back, at which point Arenas pulled several guns out of his locker and told the guy to pick one, because they would settle it that way. Arenas would later claim this was all in fun and some kind of joke, but the police didn't see it that way. Arenas was tried and convicted of bringing an unlicensed firearm (because why would a guy like Arenas take the time to get a gun license?) into a public building. He had to spend a month in jail and was suspended for the rest of the NBA season.

Now, because of how the NBA salary cap works with all contracts being guaranteed, the Wizards remained tied to Gilbert. Releasing him meant he would still get paid and take up a big chunk of the salary cap. Also, the Wizards were in flux: they had just been sold, but the new owner had not yet taken control of the team and major decisions were in a holding pattern. Their only hope was that someone would miss out on all the other free agents this summer and make them a low-ball offer, but no one did. While the public faces of the Wizards were saying they believed Gilbert had learned his lesson and they never wanted him gone, the reality was that they were stuck with him and everyone knew it. Still, they brought him to camp where once again Arenas was very media-savvy and said all the right things, leading to lots of "Gilbert is a changed man!" stories. But then earlier this week Arenas was a late scratch in a preseason game, claiming he had some soreness in the knee that has been repeatedly hurt for the past three seasons. The Wizards weren't about to mess with his health, so they took him at his word. However, after the game Arenas said he faked the injury to get a young teammate some playing time. He would laters say that in his mind he was doing it for the good of someone else and thus he didn't really see what the big deal was.

Ok, this has to be the end of Gilbert in Washington. It's one thing if the guy is loopy, but when he's trying to bring down the organization from within it's another thing entirely. Arenas basically just came right out and said he didn't respect his coach, GM or new owner, all of whom have tried to be on his side in this. The worst part is that, given it was a preseason game, he didn't have to lie to his coach. He could have simply said, "Hey, this kid needs playing time." But now they'll never be able to take him at his word on an injury ever again. Just last night Arenas came up lame with a "groin injury." Is he really hurt? Your guess is as good as mine. I know that the Wizards don't want to take the big cap hit by just releasing him, but no one is going to trade for him with his the combination of his legal troubles, injury history, huge contract and "quirky" personality. Frankly, I have little sympathy for the team, because his second contract was a bad idea the moment they offered it to him. Now, other teams know the Wizards have no leverage in negotiations, so either they release him and take a big cap him or take back some other franchise's equally terrible head case with a cap-crippling contract. The way I figure it, the Wizards weren't going to contend for a title this year anyway, but the longer they keep Gilbert around the longer it is going to take them to get on the right path to start them in that direction. Time to cut your losses.

No, Really, I Get The Point

For the last 70 days I've stayed really interested in the trapped Chilean miner saga. Frankly, I find it to be a miracle of modern technology that their rescue is even possible. If you think about it, just 15 years ago the technology which allowed the miners to alert the rescue team they had survived the first couple of weeks of being trapped didn't even exist. There was no chance they would have been found alive. Now communications have come such a long way that it was not only discovered that they were still alive down there, but we got video from inside the mine within a couple days. Also, because of what an amazing story this is, I had no problem with this story staying in the news until all 33 trapped miners were rescued late last night. (It probably didn't hurt that Chile's President made his money by running and then selling a TV network and as such he knew how to keep this story TV-friendly.) In an era where bad news comes after more bad news and there are 24-hour cable news networks that don't know (or just don't care) about the difference between what is a fact and what is an opinion, it was refreshing to have a story that everyone agreed was simply awesome.

That being said I got a little annoyed with the coverage of the actual rescue yesterday because, much like any other new event being covered live and for an extended period of time, eventually the 24-hour news channels start to run out of things to say. For example, CNN had built itself a replica of the rescue capsule that was being lowered into the shaft and which would eventually pull the miners to safety one at a time. Just looking at you could see it was a tight fit. (Actually, given an earlier report that the rescue shaft was only a couple of feet wide you could have figured it out without ever seeing the capsule, but seeing it made for good TV.) Still, when that first news anchor climbed it truly drove home the point of just how tight this would be as the miners were slowly brought back to the surface. Message received, well done. The problem was that by the time the tenth man was pulled to the surface, CNN was kind of out of things to say. Thus, every single anchor or expert that came onto the set felt the need to kill time by climbing in to the capsule and stating their height and weight to once again remind us that this rescue capsule was not roomy. It was unnecessary after the first guy, and yet they kept doing it:

"I'm 5'9" and 160 pounds and I don't have any room to move!"
"Now, I'm 5'6" and 120 and even I think this is a tight squeeze."
"At 5'10" I only have a couple inches of head-room to spare."

This turned into an annoying exercise in repetition. It was like reading from a player program for CNN's on-air staff. (The good news is that they no longer need to put out that series of trading cards.) Yes, it's a small space - we get it. I understand that I would never fit into this capsule and I would still be trapped underground. I already knew that, which is why I never pursued a career in mining. All I really learned from all this repetition was that CNN is staffed by very tiny people and their intramural basketball team must suck.

"Does Your Girlfriend Sleep Around?"

So, yesterday I had a doctor's appointment to check out an internal issue. If you know me at all you know that I normally avoid the doctor's office unless my face has swollen to twice its normal size, which should give you an idea of just how concerned I was about what he might have to tell me. (I'll immediately put you at ease and let you know it was absolutely a non-issue - happens all the time, just not to me. It appears that I get a little health insurance and suddenly I turn into quite the hypochondriac.) Anyway, what I found about going to the doctor's office with any sort of plumbing concern is that the doctor immediately goes to one thought: you must be a dirty, dirty boy. Apparently, the issue that I was dealing with is the first red flag of about a dozen different sexually transmitted diseases. It is also the first red flag of several hundred non-sexually transmitted diseases, but I would guess those just aren't nearly as much fun when it comes to getting a patient history.

The thing is, because of the way my doctor's office is set-up I don't always see the same person - I get whichever doctor is available when I can come in. As such, this was the first time I was meeting this particular doctor. Therefore we don't have that familiar, comfortable relationship where he can just fire off the questions he needed to. And while I respect his polite nature, it really made for some awkward pauses as he would repeatedly take a moment to try and figure out the best way to ask me just where I had been dipping the company pen. The conversation went a little something like this:

Dr.: You know, it's important that you stay safe out there.
Me: I know that.
Dr.: And I mean, every time.
Me: Yep, got it.
Dr.: And... the thing is... it can't just be on your end. You have to make sure that your... (Long pause while he guesses if I'm gay or not.) ...partners are as well.
Me: Understood. (Inside voice: First off, not gay. But please, God, just end this conversation.)
Dr.: I mean, even if they say they are, you should be diligent. (Raises eyebrow slightly, with a please-understand-what-I'm-implying head tilt.)
Me: Message received.
Dr.: I'm saying your girlfriend could be a slut and cheating on you.

Alright, I made that last line up. Still, it was like the worst birds-and-bees speech ever. Now, while I really did like this doctor and will have no problem going back to him, I just want to say I do not envy this man's children. Aren't doctors supposed to be experienced professionals at talking about this sort of thing?

There Is No Pension Plan

In an previous post I talked about how some jobs stop being cool after a certain age. I think one of the most visible jobs that this applies to is that of bouncer. There is nothing quite as sad a bouncer who is way too old to be doing this anymore still hanging by the door. Being a bouncer is a great job for a big guy in his early to mid-20s, because that is when guys are at their most testosterone-filled and therefore the most willing to jump into a fight that had nothing to do with them. Because they are so full of piss and vinegar, a lot of guys are itching for the chance to show off how much of a bad-ass they think they are. And being a bouncer is a chance to not only break up fights, but you also get to hang out in clubs all night, chat up cute bartenders, get free drinks after closing and you get paid for the privilege. Like I said, it's a sweet gig for a while. However, by the time you pass about 27 the urge to be the inspiration for the next Road House sequel really should have faded away. Around that time if you see two people fighting you should start looking for someone else to deal with the Jersey Shore rejects, or at the very least move away from where they are going to land. Seriously, once you hit that age you are officially too old to be dealing with people this drunk and stupid on a daily basis.

The fact that anyone would still want to be a bouncer after the age of 27 says more about them than anything else, which is why a guy bouncing in his 30s has gone way passed being cool and has started to look a little pathetic. At some point you should get over the thrill of being able to stop people from entering a building and start worrying about things like health insurance and your 401K. The good news is that today I found what could very well be the new bouncer-in-retirement job: Wal-Mart greeter. Running in to buy one item at the local super-store this afternoon I passed an older man who was in no mood to greet anyone. In fact, I would guess he is much better at keeping people out. A hard-looking 60ish year-old man, he sat on his stool, with a scowl on his face while looking everyone up and down, trying to decide if they were worthy of entrance. This was clearly a man who has spent more than his fair share of nights sitting outside of a pub. Honestly, all he was missing was a clipboard, a chain in front of the door and a click-counter to complete the look. So, hang in there, bouncers who weren't smart enough to get into the police academy: you're just 35 years away from being back in your element.

-While at that same Wal-Mart I also saw one of the worst examples of parenting in history: there was a mom near the checkout counter showing off one of those new chicken-dancing Elmo toys to her young son. She made a big deal out of showing him how it sang and danced on its own, talking about how cool it was and even let him give it a great big hug. She then ripped it out of his hands and put it back on the shelf, because she had no intention of ever buying it. The son, of course, began crying and the mom couldn't figure out what his problem was. Even I know you can't show a two year-old a toy that up close and then not follow through on buying it for them. Little kids don't understand the idea of looking at something in a store but not taking it home. (There are adults who don't understand this concept as well.) But kids really won't get it with an Elmo toy, as he is a Deity to most toddlers. This is why the smart parents never slow down by the toy section, because that will only allow a child to lock on to a specific toy and the meltdown at not getting it is sure to follow. Hell, my nieces get upset at having to stop playing with toys long enough to eat dinner and those are the toys they own and which aren't going anywhere. I can only imagine what this kid felt, being shown what he probably feels is the greatest invention of his lifetime, only to have it be taken away just as quickly. How would this mom have felt if someone gave her the keys to a new car, only to have them take the keys back a second later? Frankly, I found it downright cruel.

Monday Football Ramblings

-Huge win by Notre Dame this weekend. It's not that Pittsburgh is a particularly good barometer, but it speaks more to the fact that they didn't let one win over Boston College go to their heads. They have a slate of winnable games coming up on the schedule as long as they don't suddenly think one win makes them National Championship contenders (which has a tendency to happen with Notre Dame teams). If they don't start assuming wins then they have a chance to end the season with a legitimate 8-4 record and go to a fairly-important bowl game.

-I think we all knew once Randy Moss was traded that it was only a matter of time before we learned that Moss and Tom Brady were not actually as close as we were all led to believe. So it should come as no surprise that over the weekend there was a report that the two got into some kind of sideline confrontation earlier this year. What is surprising, though, is that the exchange consisted of Brady telling Moss to shave his beard and Moss responding by telling Brady to get a haircut because he looked like a girl. That's the most pathetic sideline fight I have ever even heard of. Don't you have to be good at trash-talk to be a professional athlete?

-For the first time since 1970, every NFL team has at least one loss after their fourth game of the season. And for a league that wants to be known for parity, you have to imagine that this is the Commissioner's dream come true. The league offices will spin it by saying that every team has a chance to win and every team is still in the hunt for the Super Bowl (well, not Buffalo). However, what it actually means is that there are no real great teams out there. Honestly, thanks to the Red Zone, I've gotten longer looks at more teams than ever before and I'm pretty sure that everyone just has some kind of major deficiency. It's not that everyone is playing equally well, but instead that everyone is playing equally poorly. There is a huge difference.

-The main reason that most teams are mediocre this year falls squarely on the lack of big-time quarterbacks stepping up. It's not just that guys like Carson Palmer and Tony Romo aren't playing up to expectations, but also that guys like Max Hall, Jason Campbell and Ryan Fitzpatrick are starters. If that isn't a referendum on the quality of the league this year, I don't know what is. Of course this also speaks volumes about a guy like Brady Quinn, who I root for because of his South Bend affiliation. If he can't get off the bench when undrafted, rookie, free-agent quarterbacks are getting starts on Sunday then he simply may not have what it takes to make it. If that's the case I was way off on that one.

-You'd never know that every team is sort of blah from the ratings, though, which remain huge. The guy who has to be happiest about the NFL TV dominance is Atlanta Braves infielder Brooks Conrad. Conrad had a three-error night in the Braves' divisional series against the Giants, which normally would be a huge story. Given who the Giants can pitch in Games 4 and 5, this guy could potentially have just lost this series with his play Saturday night. But, because he did it opposite college football and the night before an NFL Sunday, no one batted an eyelash. It was barely discussed. The lesson? Sometimes, even when you are on national television, it is still possible to fail in obscurity.

The Weekly Musical Interlude

Another week, another music selection.

As you know, I welcomed a nephew this week. Since I knew what day he was arriving on, I had been thinking for a couple of days about what song to use to mark the occasion. Well, what you might not know is that there aren't many good songs about nephews or people named David. Fortunately for me, we've taken to calling him D-Mac, which opened a couple more opportunities. However, I didn't want to go with "Mac the Knife", so I kept searching. Then, and this is absolutely true, this song came on the radio as I drove home from the hospital after his arrival on Tuesday. I feel like it fits, because you can easily make it sound like the song is titled "Return of D-Mac".

Out of Practice

For as much of a Masshole as I am when behind the wheel, I rarely honk at other cars on the road. I think it has to do with the fact that I hate being honked at. There is something about being honked at that makes me feel like the other driver is trying to scold me or something, which really gets under my skin. And since I hate it so much I'm certainly not about to do it to someone else. Usually I just start talking to no one in particular (and if my car is empty, no one else at all) about what a jack-off the other driver is. Another reason I don't honk is that I feel like honking is really ineffective because some people use it as a way to simply get another driver's attention. That means half the time instead of giving you the little 'sorry' wave that you so desperately want, the other driver is just going to start looking around at what you might want them to know about (after all, this is Massachusetts - there is almost no chance the other driver even knows they just cut you off). Plus, today's horns all sound pretty lame, like a quick little "beep". They sound more cute than angry. Unless you have the air horn from an 18-wheeler under your hood, all you are doing is letting everyone else know exactly how wimpy your horn is. That's why I save my honking for a major violation.

The problem is that because of my lack of honking, I'm out of practice when someone does something that is bad enough for me to actually feel compelled to honk at them. The other day I was leaving a parking garage, heading back onto the street where you had to go either left or right and at this exit there were three lanes of traffic. The left lane was left-turn only, the center was left or right turn and the right was, you guessed it, a right-turn only lane. Since I knew I needed to eventually be in the right lane after taking a left turn, I was in the center lane. The issue arose because the woman in the Jeep to the left of me took a very wide left turn and drifted into my lane without even looking in my direction. If I hadn't slammed on my brakes she would have sideswiped me. I was really pissed at her stupidity and punched my hand into the center of my steering wheel to let her hear just how annoyed at her I was. Except that because of the airbag, the horn isn't in the center of my steering wheel. Instead you are supposed to push an area on either side of the airbag, as shown by a couple of little horns. So, now I had to look down, locate them and then push my horn, which took about 10 seconds. You want to talk about a delayed reaction. It felt like it took so long that I almost didn't bother to honk at her. It was as if I was saying, "Yeah, lady, what you did a minute ago was really annoying at the time." This is why I don't honk.

-I haven't sat down and fully invested in the baseball playoffs yet (and, truth be told, I probably won't). But, as I was flipping passed the game the other day, I came up with a new theory as to why I never got into baseball as deeply as I have in other sports: I don't enjoy spitting enough. Seriously, everyone is just constantly spitting during a baseball game. Have you ever seen the floor of a dugout immediately after a major league game ends? It might be the most disgusting place on Earth at that given moment. The other night there was an injury serious enough for the trainer to come out (the guy probably had to run 90 feet or something) and even the trainer was constantly spitting while checking out the player's ankle. I wouldn't consider myself to be a master of etiquette, but even I find this excessive. I understand that excess saliva comes with playing sports at any level, but if you think about it, no other sport has guys who spit nearly to the degree of baseball players. This is especially ironic because baseball players probably have the most downtime of any professional athlete. They could very easily find a trash can or container to spit their sunflower seeds into. And I assume these guys don't spit this much once they get away from the stadium, so they could probably control themselves if they wanted to. When even I think an activity is gross that should tell you something.

Another Unwanted Visitor

Yesterday I woke up to discover that a bird had flown into my house, up the stairs and into my old bedroom. Now, this is actually the second time in the last couple of years that this has happened. Apparently a group of small birds like to hang out just above the front door and then make a break for the warmth when we open it to get the paper first thing in the morning. Orginally my mom suggested leaving it alone until my brother could help me herd the bird outside but since I wasn't in a waiting mood and my brother is not a great hunter anyway, I decided to go after it myself. Now, the last time this happened I removed both the top and bottom panes of glass as well as the screen from two windows, hoping the bird would just fly out on its on, but it never did. After almost two hours of trying to coerce the bird outside, I ended up catching it under a plastic container, sliding a cover underneath and then releasing the bird out the window, where it appeared to want to bang a U-turn and almost managed to fly back in. It was a giant pain. Fortunately, this time around the bird was a lot less determined to stick around.

When I walked in the bird was in the corner, flying into the window, so clearly it wanted to go back outside. Rather than spook the bird and go at it, I removed the bottom pane of glass and pulled out the screen of one window on the other side of the room to make sure I had the set-up that I wanted. Then it was just a matter of aiming the bird at the correct open window and getting it out of the area where it was hanging out. What I learned from this experience is that you get rid of a bird much like you get rid of an unwanted naked man in your living room - sort of puff yourself up and rush at the bird, scaring it to the point that it tries to move as far away from you as possible. And in this case that meant it flew to the side of the room where the open window was. After flying into the half of the window I left in place on the first attempt, the bird shook it off and was gone on the second attempt. The whole thing took about 10 minutes, which is a huge time improvement. However, I'm not sure if getting wildlife out of my house is a skill I want to be really experienced at. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to composing a letter of disinvite for this bird.

Feeling Randy?

So, late Tuesday night the Patriots decided to trade Randy Moss back to the Minnesota Vikings in exchange for just one third round draft pick. While it doesn't seem like a lot for a guy who is a arguably a top-5 all-time receiver, it's still a better return than the fourth rounder they sent to Oakland to get him. Now, Moss was in the last year of his contract and had made no secret that he wanted a new deal, he didn't expect the Patriots to give it to him and thus expected this to be his last year with the team. He didn't come across as complaining (at least not to me), but instead like a professional athlete who has seen it all during his rather lengthy career and knows that it would simply be a business decision. Turns out he was right, although he probably expected to finish the season here. Now, for as professionally he was handling his situation in public, Moss had a reputation of being a bit of a complainer if he didn't get his way, so he may have been a pain behind the scenes about his lack of a new deal. The Patriots could have simply decided that this was the best they were going to get and it was better to trade him now than watch him walk this offseason and receive nothing in return (like they did with Richard Seymour just last year). However, I don't think a lack of progress on a new deal is the only reason Randy is heading back to Minnesota.

There are a couple things that I feel have become clear in the aftermath of the trade, the first of which is that there was not a lot of back-and-forth negotiating between the two front offices. Rumors that they were talking about a swap didn't leak until Tuesday night and the trade was official by Wednesday afternoon. For a sport that doesn't feature a lot of blockbuster trades during the season, that is lightning fast. Also, the Patriots only got one pick back (no addition late selections, which they love) and that makes me think that they wanted to get this done quickly and never really haggled. That quick trigger leads me to believe that something of consequence happened during that Monday Night Football game in which Moss didn't have a single catch. There are reports that Moss and quarterbacks coach Bill O'Brien got into a heat discussion about the lack of passes directed at Moss during halftime, but what I meant by 'something of consequence' is that it must have been more than just a discussion about the game plan. I hardly doubt that Monday was the first time Randy complained about the offense, so either this had been festering for a while or it was one hell of a major blow-out argument to be the straw that broke the camel's back. And while football coaches may not like to be questioned about how they run the team, a guy with Moss's talent has earned the right to complain about how he is being used without being unceremoniously dumped immediately after.

Now, while I do think that the Patriots took a major step back in talent at the wide receiver position, I do not think that this signals any kind of waving of the white flag on the 2010 Patriot season. You have to think that Coach Belichick feels secure with the personnel he has remaining on offense or he wouldn't have traded Moss and risked pissing off the best quarterback the franchise has ever known. Besides, the offense was never going to be the issue hanging over this team anyway. Whether they had kept Randy or not, it is going to be the defense that dictates how far they go this year, which makes the fact that Monday was probably their best defensive effort kind of ironic. Also, you have to keep this in mind: the Patriots won all their Super Bowls without a big-name receiver. The great thing about quarterbacks like Brady and Manning is that they manage to bring out the absolute best their guys have to offer. (There is a reason no one ever manages to get their money's worth when they sign these guys away.) The Patriots will be still be able to put up points with Welker, Price, Hernandez and Edelman. Therefore, the plan going forward today is the same as it was before Moss was traded. What they need to do is hope that they can hang on, scratch their way into the playoffs, and that the young secondary they have will be able to round into form when the time comes. If that happens it won't matter that Moss is no longer a Patriot.

A Letter To My New Nephew

Dear D-Mac,

First off, welcome to the family. I can't even begin to tell you how excited we all are that you are here. It's going to be a little odd dealing with a little boy after the onslaught of girls that came before you, but we're going to do our best. Actually, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, I'm sure your dad is going to do a great job of teaching you all the 'guy stuff' that you need to get through life: spitting, how to change a tire, how to throw a baseball and, because of who your father is, how to build a lightsaber and play Frisbee golf. But, the thing is that your dad never had sisters and you've already got a couple older sisters waiting for you at home. This is where I come in. You see, I also grew up with a couple older sisters, which is why you and I are going to share a special bond. I've lived through it and I figured I should give you a heads up on some of the things you want to know going in, to save you the time of having to learn it on your own.

-One of the first thing you need to know about having older sisters is that you're going to learn a lot of unwanted information. This comes with the territory of bringing up the rear in any family because until you get old enough to be left home alone, you get dragged to a lot of functions you normally wouldn't choose to attend. Unfortunately, since you're following two girls, that means you are going to learn some things that won't be very helpful in the long run. You're going to know a lot about things like Barbie Dolls, Disney Princesses, ballet, gymnastics, making a French braid, lyrics to songs by boy-bands and picking out a prom dress. And, for some reason, these will be the things that stick in your head.

-Another thing I want to clue you in on, because I know you and you sisters are sharing a wall: when your sisters knock on your bedroom wall and ask you to come in for a second, don't go - it's a trick. They're going to tell you that they need to talk to you about something really important, but that's a lie. They just want you to either turn off their lights or bring them some water without having to get out of bed. I know that in your mind you'll think this could be the one time that it actually turns out to be important, but it won't be. It's never important. I fell for this every time. Don't repeat my mistake.

-So, there is one last thing about sisters and this is very important. No matter how frustrated you get with them, you can't hit your sisters. Oh, and this is strictly a one-way street. Welcome to being a brother. I know your mom and Mamo are going to tell you that the girls shouldn't be hitting you anyway, but when you get a little older I'll tell you about the time Auntie Amy gave me a black eye after she hit me in the face with Barbie's Corvette. The good news is that they stop hitting as soon as you get bigger than them which, because you are a male Rakauskas/Brenizer hybrid, should be by the time you're seven.

Now, I don't want you to think that having older sisters is all bad. Actually, it's a pretty sweet deal. Plus, you lucked out because not only are your sisters already pretty great, they're being trained by my older sister, who was awesome. Older sisters means you always have someone to play with, there is always someone there to help with things like tying your shoes until you get the hang of it and older sisters are some of the best bodyguards you could ever find once school starts. Not to mention, siblings share all sorts of fun secrets. (You should know, however, that while your parents will pretend they are completely unaware of these secrets, they know everything because you and your sisters aren't nearly as slick as you think.)

So, David, there's a couple things to get you started. There is a lot more you'll find out about as you go along, but I'm going to let you find that out for yourself. I wouldn't want to ruin the surprises. Just know that if you have any questions, I'm always here to help.

Love you,
-Uncle Tommy

Meet David!

Just before 9 AM this morning, my family welcomed

another wonderful addition to the next generation.

David MacLean Brenizer weighing in at 8 pounds, 15 ounces.

Because we never call any of the kids in this family
by their actual names, we're going to be calling him D-Mac.

While almost nine pounds is big for any other family,
for this crew he's a little under-sized.
I definitely would have taken the "over" on his weight.

And as you can see, he's already got his 'pout-pout' face ready.
Welcome to the family, David!

Aging Gracefully

Because I consider myself an extremely loyal person, one of my least favorite things in sports occurs when a player who has been with only one team for a lengthy career switches teams. Even if it isn't a team I normally root for, I hate seeing guys change teams at the tail end of their careers because they can't accept that they might not be the great player they once were and continue to chase that competitive high. Jerry Rice never looked quite right in that Raiders jersey and it was downright bizarre to see Michael Jordan as a shell of his former greatness wearing Washington Wizard blue. However, the saddest examples are when a player is so desperate to keep starting that they are willing to take the pay cut or reduced role, demand a release from their contract and wind up signing a contract in a rival city, usually for a contract that is only slightly better than the one they just turned down. Now they have undone years of goodwill for a monetary difference that in the end probably won't cover the agent's cut and movers fees. It just makes you wish that the next collective bargaining agreement would add a provision where the longer a player has been with one organization, the less their contract counts against the cap, but we all know there is no way that can happen.

As an adult I know that I shouldn't be effected by this, because at this point in my life I've seen it enough to know the reality. My closet is littered with jerseys of guys who started in New England and returned wearing some other team's colors. Professional sports are strictly a business and in any business tough decisions need to be made. There is only so much punishment the human body can take before a player will age passed their usefulness or stop playing up to the standards which they are expected to reach and suddenly they are no longer worth the money and find themselves unemployed. It happens a dozen times a year and in almost every sport. In fact, most general managers are lauded as geniuses if they release a player who only has one good year left in them rather than sign them to an extension and have to pay them for an extra year or two. However, just because it's common doesn't make it suck any less. The reason that this keeps happening is that athletes are among the least self-aware people on the planet. Because they have been pumped up by various coaches and family members since they were in junior high, they are always the last to know when their career is over.

Anyway, I couldn't help but think about this when Red Sox manager Terry Francona removed catcher Jason Varitek in the ninth inning of yesterday's season finale against the Yankees to make sure he got a proper ovation from the Fenway crowd in what was likely his last game with the team. I'm admittedly not a big baseball fan, but Varitek was my favorite Red Sox. 'Tek was invaluable for the 2004 Red Sox and his ability to handle a pitching staff is widely regarded as among the best in Major League Baseball. But, Varitek's contract is expiring and he is going to turn 39 just before the start of next season, which is ancient for a catcher. His power numbers have dropped the last couple of seasons and his batting average isn't what it used to be. Because of that it is unlikely the Sox are going to want to re-sign him, even in a back-up role. To be honest, it was surprising he was even brought back this season after the Sox got Victor Martinez at the trading deadline last year. And while 'Tek had slightly better numbers with his catching duties reduced this year, it doesn't mean the Sox are planning to bring him back for one more go round. Both sides are leaving the door open for a return, but it doesn't seem too likely. It's not an issue of money, but the Sox believe there are better catching options out there and they probably aren't wrong. Basically, consider this post a preemptive strike about how much I'm going to hate it when 'Tek rolls into Fenway next season and gets a token at-bat as a member of the Rays.

Your Weekly Musical Interlude

Normally this blog is about all the little things that catch my eye during my adventures out in the world. However, between the Ryder Cup and football all weekend, I haven't been out in the world much for the last couple of days. I wouldn't want to write about nothing but football and golf all weekend anyway. Plus, because Sundays are always a tough day to come up with something to write about, I'm making an executive decision: every Sunday is going to be musical interlude day. Instead of my normal ramblings, I'm going to give you either a playlist or music video of a song I enjoy that. Could be a new song or an older song that is back in my head.

This week's selection is from a band that has been following me around for a couple weeks. Seems every time I turn on the radio lately I am greeted by Third Eye Blind, which reminds me of being a freshman in college. I must have played this song about 100 times during my freshman year radio show.

Thou Doth Protest Too Much

The other day I was watching an interview on ESPN with Washington Redskins' defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth, where he was discussing his situation with the team. For those of you who aren't big NFL fans I'll give you the quick synopsis: two years ago when Albert was a free agent the Redskins jumped at the chance to give him the richest contract in NFL history for a defensive player (a contract which I said at the time was a bad idea because it was clearly a case of a guy only playing well in a contract year and not really being worth nearly that much money). Haynesworth had an alright season but the team as a whole didn't play well, so following the season the Redskins fired their coach Jim Zorn and brought in a new head coach, Mike Shanahan. Shanahan's first declaration was that the team from be switching to a 3-4 defense (three defensive lineman and four linebackers) instead of playing the 4-3 (four defensive lineman and only three linebackers) that they had played under Zorn. While this doesn't sound like a big deal, playing a 3-4 versus a 4-3 puts a lot more pressure and responsibility on the defensive tackle, who is asked to absorb more hits. Haynesworth was not interested in that kind of responsibility or taking that much punishment, no matter how large of a contract he had signed.

Because he was unhappy with this change Haynesworth avoided any team activities during the offseason in an effort to force a trade, which annoyed a lot of his teammates and his coaches. Haynesworth got a large signing bonus check during the offseason and the feeling was that if he was going to take the team's money then he should be around to do the work during the offseason. Now, in Haynesworth's defense, when he was a free agent he had specifically avoided even visiting teams that played the 3-4; he wasn't interested in playing in that system and didn't even want to hear their contract offers. On the other hand, if you're being paid a hundred million dollars then you should be willing to accept some changes. When Haynesworth finally did show up for training camp Shanahan made him run through a conditioning drill alone, saying that no one else had to run because the rest of the team had all been there for all the team workouts. It was a 300-yard spring drill, which is funny because defensive tackles don't run 300 yards in a game and this was seen as Shanahan trying to show Haynesworth who was boss. But Haynesworth failed the test and then begged out of taking it again, claiming he had a sore knee. Shanahan then countered by playing Haynesworth sparingly during the preseason, keeping him out there with the fourth stringers and has been inconsistent with his playing time during the first three weeks of the regular season.

All signs point to this ending badly, but not quickly. Which is why Albert went on a PR campaign this week and told his side of the story in an extended interview with ESPN where he told the interviewer that this wasn't his fault and that, "I'm a good person." Here's the problem with that: whenever anyone goes out of their way to tell people that they are a good person, I automatically assume that they are just the opposite. You know who never has to try to convince people that they are a nice person? Nice people. They show it through their actions and let everyone reach that conclusion on their own. Taking a large check that was given to you in good faith, knowing full well the implications, but then staging a mini-holdout and demanding a trade are not the actions of a good person. The seem more like the actions of someone who thinks that they should always get their way and are going to pout if they don't. Ironically, this interview probably had the opposite effect from what Haynesworth was hoping for because people had begun to see him as a sympathetic figure and feel as though the Redskins were picking on him. This might undo all the sympathy he has built up and instead he's coming across as a guy who is trying to convince everyone that this situation is not his fault. Someone needs to pull him aside and remind him that sometimes shutting up and letting people come to their own conclusions is the most compelling argument you can make.

A Rambling Movie Review

Yesterday I went and took in a mid-afternoon showing of the (kinda) new movie, The Town. Now, I admit since it was filmed in Boston I went in wanting to enjoy the movie, because I want to see anything linked to Boston to come out a success. Fortunately, The Town didn't need my pro-Boston slant, because it was really good on its own. The movie was well-written with nice pace and solid action throughout. There were only one or two scenes that I felt dragged on and despite those I never looked at my watch the entire time. Also I saw a bunch of locations that I have actually been to, so I know that it was filmed in Boston, which makes a huge difference. There is just something about a chase scene through streets that are 15 feet long before becoming one-way streets going in the opposite direction that make you know you are watching a movie that was actually made here, not on a Hollywood back lot with producers trying to cover it up by throwing in a shot of the Prudential Center. And because I like my Boston movies authentic, I want to especially take a second to compliment the actors on their use of the Boston accents. Unlike a couple a couple of actor's attempts in The Departed (Martin Sheen) it did not sound like the entire cast was attempting to do their best Ted Kennedy-meets-Mayor-Quimby impression for two hours.

Actually, the entire movie was very well-acted, which I was not expecting. While Jeremy Renner has emerged as a solid performer the last couple of years I didn't expect much beyond him. I mean, let's not kid ourselves - there is a reason Ben Affleck's Oscar was awarded for writing and not acting. (Which reminds me, Affleck apparently did some script work to make the dialog more authentic to Boston and if that is the case he deserves a tremendous amount of credit, because no one sounded like they were trying too hard.) But Affleck was pretty solid in a slightly restrained part and Jon Hamm was especially good, putting on just enough sleaze that you weren't sure if you liked him or not, which was the whole point of his character. Even Blake Lively, who I was told was horrendous, did a fine job. True, her role could have been played by a number of young actresses and it wouldn't have changed anything, but in a role that small you don't need a big-time actress - you just need someone who isn't going to murder the movie whenever she is on screen, which Lively did. It seems like most movies I have seen lately aren't worth the trip to the theatres and you could very easily wait for them to show up On-Demand, but I would definitely recommend you head out and see The Town on the big screen. It's worth the money.

-I woke up before dawn this morning to watch the Ryder Cup and stumbled over to the TV still half-asleep, only to be greeted with a rain delay. Apparently it is the rainy season over in Wales and they'll be lucky to finish this thing by Tuesday. Now, while I had no problem rolling over and going back to bed, Team USA had a bigger issue with the rain, because it turns out that their new Sun Mountain rain gear was not good at blocking actual rain. In fact, it appeared to be soaking in more water than it blocked. Seems like something that could have been tested at any point during last two years, especially since you knew that the team will be playing in a country known for its rain, but I guess they never got around to it. A team official had to run to the fan merchandise tent during the delay and buy new rain gain from a European company at a cost of about $550 per player. When I worked at Reebok, the marketing people always said that customers want to wear clothing as close to what the athletes are wearing as possible. Well, you can't get much closer than standing in line behind the guy ordering new uniforms.