There Is No Pension Plan

In an previous post I talked about how some jobs stop being cool after a certain age. I think one of the most visible jobs that this applies to is that of bouncer. There is nothing quite as sad a bouncer who is way too old to be doing this anymore still hanging by the door. Being a bouncer is a great job for a big guy in his early to mid-20s, because that is when guys are at their most testosterone-filled and therefore the most willing to jump into a fight that had nothing to do with them. Because they are so full of piss and vinegar, a lot of guys are itching for the chance to show off how much of a bad-ass they think they are. And being a bouncer is a chance to not only break up fights, but you also get to hang out in clubs all night, chat up cute bartenders, get free drinks after closing and you get paid for the privilege. Like I said, it's a sweet gig for a while. However, by the time you pass about 27 the urge to be the inspiration for the next Road House sequel really should have faded away. Around that time if you see two people fighting you should start looking for someone else to deal with the Jersey Shore rejects, or at the very least move away from where they are going to land. Seriously, once you hit that age you are officially too old to be dealing with people this drunk and stupid on a daily basis.

The fact that anyone would still want to be a bouncer after the age of 27 says more about them than anything else, which is why a guy bouncing in his 30s has gone way passed being cool and has started to look a little pathetic. At some point you should get over the thrill of being able to stop people from entering a building and start worrying about things like health insurance and your 401K. The good news is that today I found what could very well be the new bouncer-in-retirement job: Wal-Mart greeter. Running in to buy one item at the local super-store this afternoon I passed an older man who was in no mood to greet anyone. In fact, I would guess he is much better at keeping people out. A hard-looking 60ish year-old man, he sat on his stool, with a scowl on his face while looking everyone up and down, trying to decide if they were worthy of entrance. This was clearly a man who has spent more than his fair share of nights sitting outside of a pub. Honestly, all he was missing was a clipboard, a chain in front of the door and a click-counter to complete the look. So, hang in there, bouncers who weren't smart enough to get into the police academy: you're just 35 years away from being back in your element.

-While at that same Wal-Mart I also saw one of the worst examples of parenting in history: there was a mom near the checkout counter showing off one of those new chicken-dancing Elmo toys to her young son. She made a big deal out of showing him how it sang and danced on its own, talking about how cool it was and even let him give it a great big hug. She then ripped it out of his hands and put it back on the shelf, because she had no intention of ever buying it. The son, of course, began crying and the mom couldn't figure out what his problem was. Even I know you can't show a two year-old a toy that up close and then not follow through on buying it for them. Little kids don't understand the idea of looking at something in a store but not taking it home. (There are adults who don't understand this concept as well.) But kids really won't get it with an Elmo toy, as he is a Deity to most toddlers. This is why the smart parents never slow down by the toy section, because that will only allow a child to lock on to a specific toy and the meltdown at not getting it is sure to follow. Hell, my nieces get upset at having to stop playing with toys long enough to eat dinner and those are the toys they own and which aren't going anywhere. I can only imagine what this kid felt, being shown what he probably feels is the greatest invention of his lifetime, only to have it be taken away just as quickly. How would this mom have felt if someone gave her the keys to a new car, only to have them take the keys back a second later? Frankly, I found it downright cruel.