He Actually Did It

One of the oldest jokes out there is the one where a comedian notices that athletes always want to thank God after a big win, but no one ever goes the other way and blames God after they lose. No one ever looks in the camera and says things like, "We would have won the game... if only Jesus hadn't made me fumble." Well, this week an athlete actually did that. After dropping what would have been a sure touchdown to give the Buffalo Bills a huge upset win in overtime against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson took to Twitter and appeared to blame God, Tweeting:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO...

First off, someone needs to explain to Steve that if God were to read Twitter he would probably be like everyone else and make fun of Johnson for the over-use of all caps and exclamation points. As it is, the editor in me really wants to ask if all those exclamation points were worth sacrificing good grammar. (After all, it does make the sentiment behind the 'thx' at the end ring a little hollow when you aren't willing to take out a couple question makes and exclamation points for the sake of fully spelling out an important word like 'Thanks.') And, if Steve were to think about it, at least the Bills covered the 11 point spread, so God probably made a killing if he backed the Bills.

-Besides, after reading another story this morning, I'm sure God is far too busy hating this next person to worry about Steve Johnson and his inability to catch easy passes: a couple week ago, long-time NHL coach Pat Burns died following a lengthy bout with cancer. Then, as his ashes were being interred into a mini-Stanley Cup for his wife, someone broke into her car and stole some of her dead husband's belongings. The thieves made off with watches, jewelry and 30 autographed jerseys, some of which were going to be auctioned off for cancer charities, and which police say prove that the thieves knew who's car they were robbing. They even took a family photo. See, now that guy just sucks at life.

Surely, You Can't Be Serious.

Comedian Leslie Nielsen died yesterday, which is a real bummer. Nielsen was an interesting actor, because he had a true two-act career. For the first 40 years he only played serious parts; it was only after Nielsen appeared in Airplane that people saw he could be very funny, and now no one under the age of 35 remembers him for anything but comedy. (As a tribute to that seemingly-forgotten serious side, this morning Roger Ebert posted Nielsen's screen test for Ben Hur on his blog).) Personally, I think his previous work was what made his performances in movie like Airplane and The Naked Gun series all that more funny. Serious people saying hilarious things with a serious tone is always going to be funny. Anyway, here is a montage of some of his funnier moments (the clip at the 5:55 mark might be my favorite).

A 2001 Musical Interlude

Last night, Notre Dame travelled to Los Angeles and beat USC, which hadn't happened in a very long time. In fact, Notre Dame hadn't beaten USC since 2001 (October 20th, 2001 to be specific), a streak of 8 straight losses. In honor of the win I did some Googling and found out that this was the #1 song for that week. It seems appropriate because it has been a while. Plus, Staind is a Massachusetts band and that's good enough for me.

More Fast Ones

-This story is a perfect reminder as to why I would never make it as a criminal: the four creators of the website The Pirate Bay recently lost an appeal in Swedish court and face fines of $4 million and a jail sentence of up to a year following a conviction of copyright infringement. For those of you who aren't tech-savvy, The Pirate Bay is a site where you can get copies of movies, usually before they are out on DVD and some before they even leave the theatres. The thing I can't get over is that the site is still up and running, when you have to assume that they could have avoided the jail time by agreeing to shut it down. Considering the site is free and these guys can't be making that much money off of it, if it was me that site would have been offline as soon as the offer was made. I'm not about to spend a year in jail so some guy in Iowa can save $3 by not having to leave his house to rent a copy of Iron Man 2.

-It was reported yesterday that President Obama had to get 12 stitches to close a cut on his lip after catching an elbow playing basketball. I feel like Obama missed a real opportunity here. Americans love photos of sports stars playing through the blood and the pain, just ask Brett Favre. He could have snapped a quick photo to look bad-ass and then used the opportunity to talk about how easy the insurance forms were to fill out thanks to his health care reform. This is why I should work in the Office of Public Relations.

-Willie Nelson was recently arrested for possession of marijuana. Why do I get the feeling that this could happen just about any time during the year, but the cops wait until they have a slow week or some sort of quota to meet before serving the warrant? I imagine it is almost like initiation to the local police force. "Hey, has the new guy gotten to arrest Willie Nelson yet?"

-There was a new wrinkle in the story of Spygate, which we all thought was over. Apparently, a Denver Broncos employee was accused to taping the San Francisco 49ers practice when the two teams were in London. The reason this is news around is here is that the video coordinator is a former Patriot employee, as is Broncos coach Josh McDaniels, and a lot of people are saying that they learned this behavior while working for the Patriots. Personally, I'm more of the school of thought that this simply means this behavior happens all over the NFL. McDaniels, by the way, maintains the employee acted on his own and he never watched the tape. And if you believe that I have a very nice bridge to sell you.

So Cheesy

I feel like if you opt out of Black Friday, then the day after Thanksgiving might just be the most relaxing day of the year. It's full of sports, movie marathons and excellent leftovers. For me today was all about the movie marathons on TV. I pretty much wasted the day watching cheesy action movies, so I feel like this video of cheesy and cliched action movie lines is a perfect way to cap off the day. (Though, probably not a good idea to watch this at work.) Otherwise, enjoy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just want to take a moment to wish everyone out

there a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Hope you have a wonderful day full of laughs,

family and too much food.

Also, don't forget to squeeze a nap into your day.
Tryptophan is a hell of a drug.

So... Do You Like Your Work?

Last night, after a lovely day with my favorite Dubliner, I decided to have a healthy dinner of McDonald's. For those of you who haven't gone through a McDonald's drive-thru in a while, it has become a three-step process: order at the first location, pay at the second and eventually get your food at the third. After giving my order to a woman who was probably in Denver, I pulled up to the first window to pay. Now, it for for just these kind of moments that I keep the cupholders in my truck full of change. I want to be able to just give the person working the window exact amount that is due, pull forward to the next window and keep the line moving. (Personally, I think everyone behind me should thank me for this.) This time was no exception as I was paid in full within twenty seconds. The problem was two cars ahead of me at the second window, where a car was stopped. I don't know if there was an issue with the order or the person had some kind of complaint, but they had their parking brake on and weren't in a hurry to move. They sat and they sat, which left me sitting next to the pay window, also not moving. This left me in the awkward position of having nothing to do and no where to go while being watched by the 16 year-old girl working the window.

While it was annoying at first, it got downright uncomfortable after a minute or so. I would assume working at McDonald's doesn't usually lend itself to long customer interactions, so it appeared that the girl wasn't prepared for anyone to be at her window for this long. She wasn't sure if she should try to talk to me or take this chance to tidy up her workspace, so she went with option C, which was to simply stare at me. Not that I was any better. At first I tried to act nonchalant and check the radio stations, but going through the pre-set stations doesn't take nearly as long as you think. After that it was just sitting up in my chair to try to see what the problem was and shrugging my shoulders every time we made eye contact. Mercifully this only lasted another minute or so before the car causing the hold-up was satisfied enough to leave. I will say this in defense of McDonald's: the next two cars barely had to slow down before their food was out the pick-up window. This is why, if you have a difficult order, you should always go into the fast food restaurant.

-Fortunately, the car causing the hold-up did not have a business logo on the side, because that company would have heard about it. I don't think small businesses realise that any worker who drives a company car home for the day is basically a walking billboard for that company, which can be good or bad. For example, yesterday I was at a stoplight behind a truck with a landscaping logo on the back. The light turned green and the truck didn't move. I gave the guy the customary '5 Mississippi' count, but he still hadn't moved. Since I hate using my horn I then flashed my highbeams to let him know the light had changed. Still nothing. I was preparing to honk (again, I do it do rarely that I have to locate where my horn is located on my steering wheel before I actually honk) when the guy finally noticed the light had changed, at this point to yellow (it was a quick light). To me, this lack of attention says a lot about the company and the kind of people they hire. Luckily for him I'm not the type of person who thinks yellow means red and I still made it through the intersection, otherwise I would tell you their name. I'm just saying, a smart business owner finds out what kind of drivers his workers are before he lets them put a company logo on their car.

Where Have All The Pickers Gone?

When I was a kid, you could throw away just about anything. If you could haul it to the sidewalk then the town would take it away. Now, after a while society started to get smart and found out that things like electronics should not sit in landfills for 1,000 years and it was universally decided that you couldn't just throw those away, but we could still throw away pretty much every thing else and as much of it as you had. However, a couple years ago Norwood switched over to being one of those towns that issues barrels ("The Cult" as my father calls it) and put out the edict that you could only throw away as much trash as would fit into the barrels. There was no more hauling mattresses to the sidewalk and making the trash men deal with it. If it didn't fit in the barrel then it was going to remain on the sidewalk. So, the people in this town stopped putting their old furniture out for trash collection. And with that ended a very useful service of trash pickers.

It used to be that if you put anything of value out on the sidewalk on trash night people would come around and see if you were throwing away something they could either fix or paint to make it new to them. If they could then that item was gone by the dawn, and this was great. Some people look down on the folks who did this, but I looked at it like they were performing a service. Hell, people who do it get TV shows now. You didn't have to deal with that piece of furniture anymore, the trash men didn't have to lift it into their trucks and some one got a new couch - everybody involved won. Also, you got the ego boost of knowing that your trash was literally another man's treasure. Now, because of the way our trash collection works, those people never come around anymore.

Of course, I only noticed this because it directly effected me this week. For the last couple of years there was a very comfortable leather chair in our house that needed some repair. Well, we finally decided that we were never going to fix it and after the Salvation Army declared that they don't take any furniture that requires repair, we put it out on the sidewalk on a trash night. Come morning it was still sitting there on the sidewalk. I decided to give it another night and even went the extra step of putting a post on Craig's List under 'Free Stuff'. Still, nothing. The chair just sat on the sidewalk, looking rather pathetic. Finally, today my father couldn't take it anymore and brought the chair back up the driveway. We're going to have to find someplace else to throw this thing away. If the pickers were still around this never would have happened.

More Football Quickies

-You almost never see an NFL head coach get fired during the season, let alone two, but Vikings head coach Brad Childress was fired earlier today. I'm really surprised at how quickly this went south. I mean, they were in the NFC Championship last year. Still, I don't think it was so much the team's record that got him fired, but more how the entire team appears to have turned against him. Also, releasing a player like Randy Moss without telling your owner isn't going to do you any favors. This probably will give the Vikings some kind of mini-bump for the rest of the season but I believe it will be too little, too late. It just goes to show you: sometimes it's best not to press your luck.

-I remember going nuts when Vince Young led the Texas Longhorns on that huge comeback against USC for the National Championship. I really thought Young would turn out to be a serviceable, if not spectacular, NFL player. But, after allegedly tossing his pads into the stands and telling his coach, "I'm not quitting on my teammates. I'm quitting on you.", it appears that he is the kind of player who can't handle adversity well and that is something you will face a lot of when you play quarterback. Unless Jeff Fisher bolts for Dallas, I can't see any way that Vince remains with the Titans after this season.

-Count me among those who does not think Steelers' quarterback Ben Roethlisberger took a dive yesterday after being slapped by Oakland's Richard Seymour. (Indulged? That one I'll agree with.) I've stood next to Seymour - that dude can put just about anyone on the ground with minimal effort. If anything, kudos to Ben for saying whatever it was that got Seymour mad enough to make that stupid of a mistake. My question is, why his linemen weren't going after Seymour after it happened?

-One thing I didn't like about the Steelers' game was that Roethlisberger was still in the game and throwing late into the fourth quarter, when the outcome was clearly decided by then. (And this isn't just because I was playing against him in Fantasy Football.) Also, down in New Orleans it was the same thing with the Saints trying to run it up on the Seahawks. Basically, the reason this bothers me goes back to the same thing I said last week: when the Patriots beat a team by more than 20 they are accused of running it up, but when any other team does it all that happens is one muttered comment by the guy narrating the highlights. It infuriates me that the Patriots (and especially Bill Belichick) have this reputation, when it is clear they don't do any thing that every other team in the league would do in the same situation.

-I thought it was a very cool sight when Notre Dame and Army played a game Saturday night in New Yankee Stadium. They really played up the history of the rivalry storyline, which was nice. Not to mention, given what happened in Chicago the same afternoon, it was helpful that they could actually use both sides of the field.

A Recommended Musical Interlude

I was having a hard time picking some music for the week, because no one song seemed to stick out to me and there were no holidays. So, I went to YouTube and checked under recommendations. This is where YouTube suggests videos you may enjoy based on previous videos that you have watched. This song was sitting there, probably because I used "Season of the Witch" a couple weeks back and this artist does a version of that song. To which I say: You can't go wrong with Lou Rawls.

A Few Fast Ones

-There was yet another water main break in Norwood overnight. It was close in location to the one from last week, but doesn't sound as severe so it shouldn't effect many people. Still, I hope this doesn't become a weekly occurrence.

-I was reading the headlines in Goggle News and one of the stories about Wesley Snipes facing three years in jail for failure to pay his taxes referred to him as "90s actor Wesley Snipes." That seems harsh. I know the guy hasn't put out a good movie since 1998, but he has done numerous movies in this decade. As far as I knew quality was not a factor into whether or not you could call yourself an actor. It if was we would have to start referring to a lot of actors by a single year.

-I was watching a football game this afternoon when two players started fighting and both of them were ejected. The ref went on the mike and told the crowd the players, "disqualified themselves." I loved that, because it sounds just so much classier. I think we should start referring to all fights as self-disqualifying. "Dude, what happened between Dave and that guy at the bar?" "Oh, they disqualified themselves from going to the next bar with us."

-It was announced the other day that Daniel Day-Lewis is going to play Abe Lincoln in an upcoming Steven Spielberg-directed biopic. I'm not sure if the project has an official title yet, but allow me to suggest: "Trolling for Oscars."

-While I'm not a fan of the full-body scans that are taking place at airports, the people I get the most annoyed at are the ones being interviewed before they fly who say things like, "I'm all for security, but..." Actually, when you add the 'but' to the end of that sentence you are, in fact, not all for security. Turns out what you mean is, "I'm all for giving someone else a cavity search, but I want to be through this line in five minutes."

Back To School

So, due to a scheduling conflict, yesterday I had to pinch-hit and drop my niece off at her preschool. While not normally a big deal, this was complicated by the fact that I had never been to the school before and wasn't 100% sure of where I was going. This meant that when I pulled in I actually had to turn and ask Addison is this was where we were supposed to be. "Yes," she replied, "This is my school." [Let us all pause for a moment to soak in the fact I was taking driving directions from a 3 year-old.] She was then nice enough to show me where her classroom was, because I had two rooms to choose from and I'm pretty sure I would have guessed wrong. Now, I don't know if you ever want to feel like a giant, but if you do, simply walk into a preschool classroom: it's just full of chairs that don't go passed your shins and coat hooks at thigh level. It looks like everything in the room was hit with a shrink-ray. The moral of this story, I guess, is that people continue to get bigger after turning 3.

Picking up was another time that I didn't know the procedures, because I pulled into the parking lot very early and choose what I thought was a prime spot away from the door that would grant me an easy exit. Rookie mistake. This was made evident when every other parent showed up (almost at the exact same time, too), promptly filled the parking lot to the limit, blocked off the way I had planned to exit and left me at the tail end of the exit line. Also, the children emerged from a different door than they had entered and I was at the opposite side of the parking lot than would I should have been.

However, even though I obviously didn't know where I was going, it was all worth it because I clearly had Addison's attention for the day and when she emerged with her Thanksgiving decorations on, this was around her neck...


...Oh, someone is getting a pony for Christmas.

She's Not Giving In

With the holiday shopping season fast approaching, consider this post a friendly reminder that if you are trying to get your shopping done as quickly as possible there are certain people you never want to get stuck behind in line: the parent with six kids bouncing around the store, the person trying to do a return with no receipt or the person who isn't sure that what they are buying is the right thing and as such they want the clerk's opinion before they make a final decision. (Note that you can always spot this person because they will be holding two similar items with one in each hand as they literally weigh the pros and cons before your eyes.) If you see any of these people, find another register. I don't care if another line is longer, I can almost guarantee that you will still make it out of the store faster. The other day I had to add another person to the 'avoid at all costs' list: any one over the age of 70 at customer service desk of your local a Best Buy.

I was simply there to recycle some electronics. Best Buy has a program where they'll take just about any electronics off your hand, which can help if you live in a town where you are not allowed to simply throw your old computer to the curb. Really, all I was trying to do was bring two computer towers to the customer service desk, drop them on the counter and peel off towards an exit. However, there was a lady in front of me who had a problem and refused to help resolve the issue by listen to the poor guy working the counter. Her complaint was that while she wasn't totally sure what she was buying, she was damn sure that she was getting hosed in this deal. She kept insisting that the item was listed for a lower price online (how she figured out the Internet remains a mystery), while the poor kid behind the counter was trying to explain to her that the item was cheaper on the Internet because it was a different model and didn't have the same features. For some reason it was not getting through to this woman, who kept insisting that she wanted the item in her hand and she wanted it for the lower price. Her heels were dug in. Now, I didn't see who emerge from this battle of wills because, fortunately for me, another person came along and took the computers out of my hands. All I know is that this woman didn't appear to be going anywhere anytime soon. This is why I don't work in customer service.

-I was really bummed out to hear that Portland Trailblazers' center Greg Oden will be undergoing a second micro-fracture surgery and will miss the remainder of the season. That means Oden will have only played 82 games (equivalent of one full NBA season) in four years. While I don't have any ties to Portland or Oregon, I do like the team because they are one of those cities which only has the one pro franchise and as such they really get behind the Blazers. They are loyal fans who deserve a good team. The other thing I do want to say is that I don't want people coming out of the woodwork and saying how they would have totally taken Kevin Durant over Oden in that same draft. That is completely the hindsight talking, because almost no one would have reversed that pick. At the time Oden had only faced minor wrist issues, while those same draft experts questions whether Durant would be able to survive a full NBA season given his thin stature. The fact that Oden hasn't been able to stay healthy while Durant has evolved into a Top-5 NBA player is just an unfortunate result of a system that really is a gamble. Though, given the way it turned out, I am really happy the Celtics didn't win the draft lottery even though they had the best odds.

One Down...

Finally the long, annoying battle between the people who control The Beatles catalog and Apple has been resolved and you can now buy Beatles songs through iTunes. Frankly, I'm not sure what took so long, but I'm glad that it has finally been put to bed. Not surprisingly, The Beatles have been dominating the iTunes sales lists since the deal was finalised earlier this week, proving that a lot of fans have been waiting for this and it should turn out to be lucrative to both Apple and the remaining members of the band. (Hopefully this means we will stop seeing great songs used as the music for commercials about hotel rooms and communication systems.) Now that The Beatles have come on board there are just a few remaining musical acts that have to be persuaded iTunes is not the devil. Here are the next five I would like to see come on board.

-AC/DC: They say they don't want to be on iTunes because they prefer their albums be bought as a whole. Apparently, they don't know that you can put 'album only' restrictions on there. While I appreciate the sentiment, you have to question anyone who claims to be standing up for their work as an artist against the big, bad companies while simultaneously signing a deal that gives Wal-Mart the exclusive rights to sell their CDs.

-Garth Brooks: Maybe he's just holding out until they agree to not include his work as Chris Gaines.

-Bob Segar: I'll be honest, I didn't even know he was missing until I did a Google search. I wonder if iTunes is aware he isn't available?

-Tool: Like AC/DC they want people to listen to their entire albums at one time, but they claim it is so the listener can have the complete musical experience. Like an opera, you can't appreciate just one song standing alone. I guess, given the band's name, I shouldn't be surprised at this attitude.

-Kid Rock: According to reports, Rock's biggest problem with iTunes is that all music is valued the same way and he doesn't think that should be the case. He would prefer that good songs cost more and poor songs be cheaper, if not free. I would be curious to see which side he feels his music falls on.

A Few NFL Quickies

-Can we stop obsessing about Tom Brady's hair? Watching the Sunday night game there must have been 10 comments about how long it has gotten. Look, I agree the "Prince Valiant" is not a very good look. However, it's been like that for several months now. The joke supply has been exhausted. Also, the attention on Tom Brady's hair is all the more laughable when you looked around at the rest of the field during that Patriots/Steelers game. Numerous players had dreadlocks that were so long they covered their names and Troy Polomalu actually has insurance on his hair because of an endorsement deal with Head & Shoulders. Yet no one says anything about them. I think it's because people expect quarterbacks to look a certain way, but it really is a stupid double standard. All that being said, when you throw like that you can wear your hair any damn way you want. Hell, you win the Super Bowl and you can come to the victory parade in pigtails for all I care.

-Speaking of double standards, I hope the media makes the same fuss over Chiefs coach Todd Haley refusing to shake Josh McDaniels' hand following their game as they did when Belichick gave Eric Mangini the cold fish grip a couple seasons ago. Haley's display was actually worse, because not only did the Broncos not do anything particularly out of line to warrant snubbing their head coach, but Haley stuck a finger in McDaniels' face, said something I assume was not polite and then stomped off like a child. If the talking heads on ESPN crucified Belichick for an entire week for a lesser infraction than Haley better have to answer the same repetitive questions and be dragged over the fire about destroying sportsmanship all week. I know Belichick has a larger resume than Haley, but that shouldn't enter into it. If you're going to make a big deal of one guy's infraction than for the sake of fairness you should do it to everyone.

-Has there ever been a contract that looked like a bad decision quicker than Donovan McNabb's? Donovan signed a 5-year, $78 million extension yesterday afternoon and played an absolute clunker of a game not four hours later. I don't think it's the money that gets me, because football contracts are essentially jokes - McNabb won't make half that money. It's the years that get me. Donovan is going to be 34 in about a week and he looks old now. I can't imagine him making it through this entire deal.

-You know how when people say things like, "I'm not trying to be mean" it is code for, "I'm about to say something really mean"? Well, the athlete version of that is saying, "I don't want to make an excuse" and really meaning, "I'm about to start making excuses." Yesterday Steelers' kicker Jeff Reed said that he didn't want to make an excuse for missing a very short field goal, but the turf at Heinz Field is some of the worst in the NFL. Also, the fans in Pittsburgh expect perfection and those expectations are too high. Now, normally this would be where I would make the joke, "...and in future news, Jeff Reed has been cut by the Steelers." However, I didn't even have time to type that, because Reed was cut the very next morning.

-This one is only slightly NFL-related, but go with me on it: this year NASCAR's Championship is super close. Three guys are within 50 points of one another and the last race is essentially winner-takes-all. It is just the kind of finish that NASCAR needed to get the slumping ratings going again. There is just one problem. The last race is Sunday at 1 PM. Really, NASCAR? You're putting your final race up against the NFL? No one is going to watch this thing, even in passing. Thanks to Red Zone there aren't even commercial breaks for me to take a second and check on how the race is going. I'll be hearing about it strictly by the highlights and I doubt I'm alone in this. You had all year to plan this through: why not stick the final race on a Saturday night? Going up against the NFL guarantees low ratings. And you wonder why NASCAR is no longer the fastest growing sport in America.

Bracing For Nothing

Sunday morning I woke up to the news that there was a water main break in Norwood. It had burst during the early hours and opened a sinkhole on Route 1 that was only getting bigger as the day wore on. Now, we had a huge water main break over the summer, so I felt like I was ready this time. I took my shower and brushed my teeth as quickly as I could to make sure I got it in before the water ban went into effect and double checked that we still had three gallons of bottles water left over from the last time we had this problem so we wouldn't have to fight the mob that was about to form. I did all this because, clearly, if that water main break caused us to have to boil water for three days then this one was going to cause an even worse set of problems.

Only those problems never happened. We never lost water pressure, our water never turned a funky color and if no one had told me it had happened I never would have known. We weren't even told to boil our water just to make sure. The pipe was apparently repaired by this afternoon and the hole filled back up and paved over shortly after. Now, other than a couple of businesses right near where the pipe burst having to close and some homes in South Norwood losing water pressure, it appears that this was a minor issue. So, here's my question (and the proof that I am not about to become a civil engineer): how is it that a pipe bursting 20 miles from my house means I have to watch my water consumption and boil the water that I do use, but a pipe bursting less than three miles from my house doesn't even register? Shouldn't the things that happen close to home be the ones we have to worry about? To me this is the equivalent of a transformer blowing in Newton and causing the lights in my house to go out, while the one at the end of the driveway blowing up doesn't even cause the lights to flicker. I'm not complaining, just befuddled.

A Smokey Musical Interlude

Every man is inherently cocky that they are the best at building a good fire. However, in my case it is not cockiness - it is the truth. I am fantastic at getting a big fire going that will last for hours. It's a gift. And it came in handy the other night, when I did one of my favorite fall activities: sitting around a fire pit with friends, drinking beer and telling funny stories. I love doing this, though for some reason I only do it in the fall, even spring would work just as well.

The only drawback to standing around a fire pit for several hours is that the wind will undoubtedly shift and at some point in the night you will be standing directly where the wind is sending the smoke. Then, even once the fire is out, you still smell like smoke. I didn't think I was too bad when I first got home, but when I was getting ready to take a shower the next morning all I could smell was smoke, which means today was laundry day for everything I was wearing. However, despite the inconvenience of having to wash everything I came in contact with after one night of standing around a fire, the smoke remnants do have an upside: it's a great reminder of why I never took up smoking. Also, it made the decision for this week's musical interlude that much easier.

I Would See This Movie

If you have ever listen to Adam Carolla's very funny podcast, you know that occasionally Adam likes to just toss out movie ideas. Now, typically they are action movies and they are funny because they play on every action-movie cliche in the book. As someone who loves a good action movie, I enjoy his pitches. Well, apparently someone took to animating them and this is the shortest one I could find. I'm willing to bet it would open with a $50 million weekend.

Well Done

Two posts about the NHL in one week? Yes, and I'm as stunned about it as you are.

Even though it is an usual subject around these parts, I like to use this blog to applaud things that are clever and this certainly falls under that category. Earlier this week a viral video started making the rounds of a fairly cute, but very drunk girl in the ladies room at a Bruins game. As with all girls at Bruins games, I assume she is one classy lady, though I never did find out why she was being filmed in a ladies room. But that is another topic for another time. Anyway, during her drunk antics she hauls off and kicks a big hole into one of the columns in the ladies room. Ha ha, let's all laugh at the drunk girl and forget about her just as quickly, which happens to most Internet stars.

What makes this different is that Bruins' marketing department apparently had enough time on their hands to make a rebuttal video. Not only is it really funny, I think it shows great social media savvy by the Bruins. In a time when a lot of sports teams have been trying to pretend that the Internet doesn't exist, the smart teams have begun to embrace the web and have some fun. And considering how frosty the Bruins were towards the media for decades around these parts, that just takes the brilliance to another level.

Yep, Still Not Interested

For someone who played a lot of soldier and G.I. Joe growing up, I never gave serious thought to actually joining the military. Sure, I had enough toy tanks to take over the actual country of France and wore camouflage pants (On purpose, even!) for a while. Despite that, I wouldn't even pick up the pamphlets when the local recruiters came to my high school. I think it has to do with being aware from a very young age that the real military is not anything like what is shown in movies. I would not be a one-man army jumping out of airplanes and fighting swarms of terrorists. More likely I would have just been that guy who fills out forms but still has to wear the uniform and I knew I could have that job without having to learn to field-strip an M-16.

Plus, I'm also extremely aware of my limitations: I do not enjoying getting up early, hate the idea of being yelled at by a large man who seems permanently pissed-off at the world, dislike running long distances and own a deeply-rooted fear about the possibility of being shot by someone who doesn't even dislike me personally, which increases exponentially when you join the Marines. [Sidebar: this fear was confirmed the first time I played paint ball. I was shot roughly 500 times in three minutes. I am not fast and many objects found in nature are not large enough for me to hide behind. And if I think being hit with paint balls hurts, I can only imagine that a bullet would be roughly four million times worse.] On top of all of that, I don't think my smart mouth would be appreciated in a military setting and, unfortunately for them, I just don't know how to turn it off. Of course, my reasons don't really matter, as my mother would have stabbed me in the eye with a pencil way before I even had the chance to go to basic training.

However, this didn't stop recruiters from calling me, even way passed what should have been an acceptable age. If I didn't join the military right out of high school you would have imagined the Army would have taken the hint, but they called dutifully until I turned about 25. Those last few calls were downright desperate. This was when enlistment was at an all-time low and I almost felt bad for the guy, who had taken on the say-whatever-you-have-to tone usually reserved for telemarketers. I remember one going a little something like this:

Recruiter: Son, don't you want the chance to serve your country?
Me: Not particularly. I pay my taxes on time. My country and I are square.
Recruiter: You've never had the urge to enlist?
Me: Nope, I hate running, getting up early and being yelled at.
Recruiter: Oh, the military isn't like that anymore.
Me: There is no more getting up early for training?
Recruiter: Not anymore. Those were the old days.
Me: So you don't have to run?
Recruiter: Not if you don't want to.
Me: That sounds like a really bad idea. Shouldn't the military be in shape?
Recruiter: Well, there is some running in basic, but it's not too bad. What do you say?
Me: I say in three seconds you reversed field on me. God knows what you would do in six weeks.
Recruiter: You commie.
(Alright, I made that last line up.)

Still, it is because I know how terrible of a soldier I would have been that I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to all the veterans out there. If it weren't for you this country would be a much more dangerous place. God bless, stay safe and come home soon.

Mixing Things Up

Pretty much every sport's All-Star game is boring. The players would rather have the day off because their season is long enough as it is and since the game doesn't count no one really tries or plays any defense. What results is a disjointed hodgepodge of bad passes, half-hearted swings and missed alley-oops. Every game is equally bad. (Ok, fine, twist my arm to rank them in terms of watchability: 1. MLB 2. NBA 3. NHL 4. NFL.) Recently, in an attempt to change this lackadaisical attitude towards their mid-season exhibition, the NHL decided that this year's All-Star game needed some spicing up and announced some changes. They were going back to pond hockey rules: name two captains and have those captains choose teams from the remaining roster of All-Stars, divisions and conferences be damned.

I think this is a fantastic idea. If the game doesn't mean anything and it's purely for the entertainment of the fans, why not completely mix it up? These guys will spend a total of two days practicing together either way, so does it really matter if players on one team are from Montreal and Los Angeles? Plus, this is just the kind of fan-centric idea that will bring a new buzz to an event that wouldn't otherwise make the front page of the sports section. What sports fans hasn't sat down and thought about the roster they would form if every player was available and the salary cap wasn't an issue? Everyone is going to watch just to see how the rosters end up shaking out. And, let's be honest with each other, everyone is going to want to see who the last guy to get picked is. The only way the NHL could possibly screw this up is if they had the captains pick the teams in private and then announced the teams by position, thereby robbing fans of the chance to see the order in which players were picked. If they instead made the picking of teams its own show a couple days before the game I'm willing to bet that would get great ratings.

I have to give the NHL a ton of credit for this one. They might be the fourth-ranking major sport but at least they try. And this is not even the first time they have used their mid-season exhibition to try something new. A couple years back they used the All-Star game to showcase that they were a global game by having the rosters feature "North America vs. The World." (A format the NBA would be wise to try once.) While it fizzled after a couple of years, at least the concept brought some buzz back and made the players actually care about playing in an All-Star game. Also, when they see the league having an issue with something they fix it right away, rather than spend six months having meetings and committees discuss options. Some might call this constant tinkering desperate, like they are resorting to cheap tricks to get attention. I see it as a sport knowing that it is supposed to be entertaining, not that it has to be some guardian of the past (baseball, I'm looking at you). Bottom line is this: for the first time in over a decade, I'm planning to watch an NHL All-Star game. The idea might be gimmicky, but it also appears to be effective.

Thanks For Showing Me The Light

I've talked before about how in most men's minds they are constantly starring in their own personal action movie and making mundane tasks into mind-blowing action sequences. Any time we are slowing walking down a crowded ramp or stairs and there is a railing off to one side every guy has visions of grabbing that railing, leaping over and taking off running in an effort to chase down some hoodlum who is trying to run away rather than provide valuable information that could potentially crack this huge case and shake City Hall to its foundation. And in our minds, we will look incredibly bad-ass doing it.

Then, as I was picking my dad up from the train this afternoon, one of the guys who got off the train ahead of him actually acted out his inner action-star moment. He walked off the train and jumped over the railing, trying to cut everyone off and get to his car first. At first glance it was a pretty impressive leap because this guy was not tiny. But a second glance revealed that he was in his late, late 20s which is far too old to be jumping over railings. Also, he was wearing nice enough clothes that I assume he has a real job. What would the people at work think, Jeremy? (I have no idea if that was his name, but I feel like he looked like a Jeremy.) If you jumped over a railing at work you would immediately be the weird guy in the office. Not to mention the guy did all that and then didn't even beat the train to the crossing lights, meaning he just ended up standing with everyone else, only now they were all looking at him wondering why he felt he needed to jump over the railing and what the big hurry was.

It was in that moment the action-star bubble popped for me. After the age of about 14, you should leave that kind of stuff alone. You don't look bad-ass acting out your internal action movie fantasy, you just look like a weirdo. People don't think you're in the middle of a cool chase scene, they just think you're an idiot who should be on some impulse-controlling medication. You're an adult and part of being an adult means you have to take the extra five seconds required to walk to the bottom of the ramp in a slow-moving crowd. So thank you, man-I-randomly-named-Jeremy, for showing me that I should never, ever try that move in real life unless I wander onto an action movie set.

Internet To The Rescue

If I have learned anything over the last month it is that you should never use the Internet to self-diagnose a medical question. The worldwide web is full of people who are going to jump to the worst-case scenario in any situation and would like you to come along with them. Just know they are wrong and all you are doing is making yourself sicker with worry. Leave the medical stuff to the people with degrees. Instead you should use the Internet for its real purpose: saving you from having to watch terrible movies by revealing their endings.

The other night I was flipping around and landed on a channel which was about to start a movie titled, Wristcutters: A Love Story. Intrigued by the title, I clicked guide to gain more information. According to the summary, it is a comedy about a guy who kills himself after a tough break-up and find himself in a limbo-like world in which everything is just like it is here, only slightly worse because all the colors of the world are muted and no one has the ability to smile. I know it already sounds like a laugh riot... but wait, it gets funnier. The man finds out that his ex-girlfriend killed herself a month after he did and that she is now in the same limbo world, so he sets off on a quest to find her, meeting a cast of strange characters along the way.

Here was where my problem started: I wasn't tired and there was nothing else on. Plus, according to the menu it was only a half an hour long. I figured I could sit through a quirky short film for thirty minutes. Not to mention, with the way movie channels work I figured it was closer to twenty-five. But, twenty-eight laugh-less minutes later the movie showed no signs of being even remotely close to a conclusion (or being quirky enough to be funny). It was at that point I realised the other thing working against me: daylight savings. This was the night we rolled the clocks back an hour and it had obviously screwed up the cable menu. They took the step of rolling back everything on the guide starting at midnight instead of 2 AM. That meant that this terrible movie wasn't ending for another hour.

I thought about forgoing the rest of the film but, dammit, I had already invested the half-hour and I hate not finishing things. I just wanted to know if he ever found his ex-girlfriend. It was at that point I remembered my dear friend, the Internet. A thirty-second Google search led me to a Wikipedia page for the film. (By the way, I never know who the people who update Wikipedia pages are to begin with, but if you're the person updating the Wristcutters' Wikipedia page and you didn't write, direct or star in it, you need another hobby.) Fortunately for me, this page also revealed the ending to the movie. Now, I'm not going to tell you how it ends in case someone stumbles upon this post by accident while looking for a review of the movie or something along those lines. Just know that it sounds like a pretty stupid ending and if had I stayed awake to see it I would have been pissed at myself. So, thank you, Internet. You really are good for things other than fantasy football stats and videos of bears falling out of trees and onto trampolines.

A Timely Musical Interlude

Last night was the time to roll the clocks back an hour. That means all day today (and probably tomorrow as well) people will be commenting about how 'off' their internal clock feels. Therefore, this week's musical interlude is all about time. Now, I could have gone a lot of different ways with this one, but we're going with Hootie and Blowfish because I've always like Hootie, this is my favorite song by them and, frankly, it's my blog.

Can We Go Back To Ignoring It Now?

I always get annoyed at people who think something is silly right up until the point they become involved in it. You see it all the time with parents who's children have started playing soccer. Before their kids were playing, soccer was a game for wimps; now that Junior is running around in some tot league it's a game that requires skill, stamina and coordination. Also, every father instantly becomes an expert on the "Beautiful Game". (By the way, I absolutely expect myself to do the exact same thing should the situation arise, so feel free to print this post and shove it in my face when it happens.) Anyway, I was reminded of this all day long as ESPN decided against showing some great college football games and instead showed us the entire Breeders' Cup. I don't care about showing us the actual race - it was the acting like is always a big day that got under my skin. I've watch ESPN my entire life and I had never heard of this event before this year so let's not pretend that it is a grand tradition we wait for all year long. (And for those of you who are screaming at the screen that I just need to change channels, you're correct. The problem is I am used to checking ESPN so much on college football Saturdays that I would go back without thinking and again be visually assaulted by stupid horse racing.)

I understand ESPN probably had to pay a lot of money into getting the rights and want some kind of return on their investment. But let's not pretend that if there wasn't a superstar horse in this year's field then the event wouldn't be banished to ESPN 4 like it has been every other year. It is not like horse racing is experiencing some kind of resurgence in America's sports landscape. It is still just a sport for old men and rich Saudi princes. Plus, the reason I can't stand to watch all the pre-race build-up is because, like poker, horse racing has pretty much one story that has been told a thousand times before: A person/group of people save up all their money to buy a horse on the cheap that no one else wanted and now that horse will be worth a lot of money if he wins. The thing is, even the cheap horses aren't that cheap, which means that these stories are pretty much the tale of rich people getting richer.

Also, after the race they try to get us to feel bad for the horses that lose, as if they even know what is at stake. I think Seinfeld said it best:

Why Do People Like This Game?

So, I've been fighting a cold for the last couple of days and, unfortunately, the cold has mostly been winning. I've reached that stage where you've been coughing so much it actually hurts when you do, which is always fun. Anyway, because I'm ever-so-pleasant to be around when I am sick I've taken to quarantining myself away from the general population. Since there are only so many Super Bowls to be won on Madden and Majors to pile up in Tiger Woods Golf, I find myself surfing the Internet for other way to amuse myself. One of the fun things to do is check out all the events that happened on this date in history. Apparently today is the 75th birthday of the board game, Monopoly. Personally, I was never a big Monopoly fan, preferring the strategic nature of games like Battleship. (Also, no one fought over who got to be the racecar in Battleship.) Anyway, the birthday of Monopoly got me to thinking and I remembered this act about boardgames. Enjoy.

Jokes.com
Christian Finnegan - Monopoly
comedians.comedycentral.com
Funny Jokes Funny Videos Daniel Tosh Stand-Up

A Few Sports Quickies

-I'm still trying to decide what it says about Randy Moss that only one team bothered to put a waiver claim on him, while it has been reported that as many as ten teams took a shot at claiming Shawn Merriman during the same 48-hour period. I admit Moss is not nearly as productive as he once was, but at least he still has flashes of greatness. Merriman hasn't given any indications over the last couple of seasons that he will ever be able to stay healthy or that he is anywhere near the player we all thought he was before he failed a steroid test. Their money is about equal, so it has to be something else. I knew that Moss's reputation around the league wasn't great, but I never would have guessed that it was worse than Merriman's. I guess Buffalo just has that much confidence in their offense.

-During Tuesday's game against Detroit, Kevin Garnett allegedly called Piston's forward Charlie Villanueva a "cancer patient." (Villanueva suffers from a disease with prevents him from growing any body hear.) Villanueva Tweeted Garnett's comments to the world after the game. If true (Garnett denies saying it) it is pretty much indefensible, so don't expect me to bleed green on this one. What I find fascinating are all the basketball players and coaches coming out and taking Garnett's side while simultaneously scolding Villanueva for breaking some sort of code. Their stance is that anything said on the basketball court should remain on the basketball court. Apparently you're allowed to say anything you want and the other guy should understand it's all in fun. The NBA... It's Fan-tastic.

-It looks like one of the Chilean Miners will be running the New York marathon this week. Apparently he passed many of the 70 days he spent trapped under the earth by running six miles through the tunnels on a bad knee. On a related note, I did a couple hours of yard work yesterday while fighting a cold. So, I feel as though we're about equal.

-The big news in golf this week is that for the first time in years there is a new #1 golfer in the world and it's Lee Westwood. Now, I get why people seeing Tiger being knocked from his perch after roughly five years is a big deal, because that speaks to just how bad a year he had and Tiger is the face of that sport. What I don't understand is the mad scramble to see who the new #1 golfer is. It's not like you get a boost by being the highest-ranked guy. There is literally no advantage to it; you don't get to take a stroke off of 18 holes you play and I don't even think you get a discount on greens fees. It's like being the #1 team in college basketball: nice to put on the resume, but at the end of the day it doesn't actually help you all that much.

-It was announced today that the Red Sox have picked up David Ortiz's option for next season. Ortiz initially said he wasn't going to be happy with just the one-year deal, but now says that he is "Ok with it." Oh, good. I was worried that a man making $12.5 million was going to have a hard time getting out of bed every morning. Here's an idea for you, David: how about you don't appear to take the months of April and May off for the third straight season and the team might be more inclined to reward you with a multi-year extension. When someone enters June hitting .135 it's a little hard to see the reasoning behind locking that guy up for the foreseeable future.

Na-ture

So, last Saturday I went on a nature hike around Blue Hills (if you're from the area you know that this name is ironic because it's really just the one hill). The weather was perfect and the hike wasn't too long. I even got two pictures from the top of the hill before my camera battery died. Along the way I collected a few more observations:

-We decided to go with the "moderately difficult" trail. For those of you who are thinking about giving the trail a try, you should know that 'moderate' is a very subjective term. Also, the 'difficult' aspect is the up half. Down is a breeze by comparison.

-The most embarrassing part of the entire experience came about 100 yards in, at which point I was seriously regretting not wearing boots and I thought about turning back. However, I looked ahead and saw parents with a couple of young kids (maybe three years old). A look back down the hill revealed that the group behind me also featured toddlers. It was at that point I had to promise myself that no matter how many times I nearly twisted my ankle on rocks there was no way I was going to turn back, admit defeat and have to walk passed a group of 4 year-olds on my way to the car. I would rather sprain my ankle.

-While we're on the topic of loose rocks on a hiking trail, I feel like I have to ask: why there are so many of them still around? This was a fairly popular hiking trail in a densely populated area. Shouldn't enough people have walked up and down this hill enough by now that any loose rocks would have been successfully moved from the well-travelled areas? It wasn't like I was blazing a new trail off the beaten path and yet several of the steps I took featured the ground beneath my foot sliding away from me. I found that odd.

-Another thing I found odd was that there was a father walking with his young daughter on his shoulders. While this is not an uncommon thing to see in everyday life, it is not something one expects to encounter while hiking up a rock embankment. And, there was another thing that caught my eye: because both of the father's hands were full with walking sticks, he had actually put enough thought into the process to know to tie a strap around his chest that went over his daughter's feet so that she could sit on his shoulders and he could have his hands free. First off, I would love to know if this was just one man's ingenuity or an actual product for sale. Secondly, if it is a real item, how many do they sell a year? I understand that you want your kids to share your love of the outdoors, but how about wait until they are old enough to hike for themselves?

Election Day Ramblings

-I'm very excited that there are elections today. Not because I'm really into government or the process by which our laws are formed, but mostly because I'm sick of my phone ringing every night with people asking me to vote for them or the candidate that most shares their values and I look forward to it coming to an end. The thing is, I would understand it if I thought the calls even worked. I would love to see some kind of independent research into just how effective the strategy of "cold-calling right at dinner time, then having four seconds of silence before the pre-recorded message starts" actually is. Honestly, every time I have been at someone else's home when they get a political cold-call their immediate reaction is, "Well, now I'm certainly not going to vote for that guy," which is the same reaction that I have. At this point I'm beginning to wonder if candidates have begun hiring firms to call on behalf of the other guy.

-The only thing worse than the calls are the TV and radio ads. First off, they are everywhere. (I heard a story on the news that during one day of programming in Nevada there were 1,200 30-second ads. That's ten hours worth of political ads in one day. That seems excessive.) Secondly, half the ads in this area are for races where I'm not even in the district the election effects. Now, I can understand the ads for races taking place in other parts of Massachusetts, because those campaigns can't be too specific about where they are going to run. You buy ad time on Channel 7, not just Channel 7 between Springfield and Worcester. But, for some reason this election season I have been subjected to not only to the Massachusetts, but also a slew of New Hampshire political ads. New Hampshire has it's own local CBS and NBC affiliates - advertise with them. I don't care that New Hampshire is at a cross-roads. I don't live in New Hampshire. You may as well be telling me that Ohio needs change.

-That being said, there is one radio ad I heard the other day that really stuck with me. It was for Governor Deval Patrick and it started a little something like this: "When you hear this (gunshots ring out in the distance), don't you want to immediately hear this (police sirens slowly grow louder)? And if you hear this (cue crackling fire noises), don't you want it to quickly be followed by this (insert fire engine sirens)?" The rest of the ad was talking about how Patrick's opponent, Charlie Baker, was going to cut the taxes that fund these important social services. Powerful stuff... or it least it would have been if I hadn't been fixated on the first part of the ad. What section of Massachusetts are you living in that people are shooting at each other and then setting houses on fire? Really, Deval, I didn't think things were so bad in the commonwealth that police and fire were constantly busy. When did we become like ThunderDome around here?

-So, I went and voted fairly early today, just to get the whole thing over with. I know I ask this every election, but why are the women who work at the polling stations roughly 96 years old? It would speed the whole voting process up if I didn't have to repeat my name and address five times until she hears me.

More Halloween Pictures

It was a very slow Halloween around these parts. After the nieces and nephew stopped by we only had four or five additional trick-or-treaters for the rest of the night. This is why I firmly believe Halloween should always be on the last Saturday in October. Fortunately, the gang was cute enough to make up for the lack of visitors.

Abigail was Jesse from "Toy Story". This was a huge surprise...
as long as you hadn't talked to Abigail in the last 4 months.

Technically, Madeline was Rexy, also from "Toy Story".

However, due to the costume throwing her off a little, I took to calling her "Drunk Godzilla."

Addison was a very fluffy Cinderella.
Again, if you've spent any time with Addison, this was not a shocker.

At first glance, you may think that Charlotte was another Cinderella.
But, if you knew anything about princesses you would know that she is
clearly Sleeping Beauty. Duh.

David was a sleeping Pirate.
He's three weeks old, so he was going to be a sleeping 'whatever'.