Yep, Still Not Interested

For someone who played a lot of soldier and G.I. Joe growing up, I never gave serious thought to actually joining the military. Sure, I had enough toy tanks to take over the actual country of France and wore camouflage pants (On purpose, even!) for a while. Despite that, I wouldn't even pick up the pamphlets when the local recruiters came to my high school. I think it has to do with being aware from a very young age that the real military is not anything like what is shown in movies. I would not be a one-man army jumping out of airplanes and fighting swarms of terrorists. More likely I would have just been that guy who fills out forms but still has to wear the uniform and I knew I could have that job without having to learn to field-strip an M-16.

Plus, I'm also extremely aware of my limitations: I do not enjoying getting up early, hate the idea of being yelled at by a large man who seems permanently pissed-off at the world, dislike running long distances and own a deeply-rooted fear about the possibility of being shot by someone who doesn't even dislike me personally, which increases exponentially when you join the Marines. [Sidebar: this fear was confirmed the first time I played paint ball. I was shot roughly 500 times in three minutes. I am not fast and many objects found in nature are not large enough for me to hide behind. And if I think being hit with paint balls hurts, I can only imagine that a bullet would be roughly four million times worse.] On top of all of that, I don't think my smart mouth would be appreciated in a military setting and, unfortunately for them, I just don't know how to turn it off. Of course, my reasons don't really matter, as my mother would have stabbed me in the eye with a pencil way before I even had the chance to go to basic training.

However, this didn't stop recruiters from calling me, even way passed what should have been an acceptable age. If I didn't join the military right out of high school you would have imagined the Army would have taken the hint, but they called dutifully until I turned about 25. Those last few calls were downright desperate. This was when enlistment was at an all-time low and I almost felt bad for the guy, who had taken on the say-whatever-you-have-to tone usually reserved for telemarketers. I remember one going a little something like this:

Recruiter: Son, don't you want the chance to serve your country?
Me: Not particularly. I pay my taxes on time. My country and I are square.
Recruiter: You've never had the urge to enlist?
Me: Nope, I hate running, getting up early and being yelled at.
Recruiter: Oh, the military isn't like that anymore.
Me: There is no more getting up early for training?
Recruiter: Not anymore. Those were the old days.
Me: So you don't have to run?
Recruiter: Not if you don't want to.
Me: That sounds like a really bad idea. Shouldn't the military be in shape?
Recruiter: Well, there is some running in basic, but it's not too bad. What do you say?
Me: I say in three seconds you reversed field on me. God knows what you would do in six weeks.
Recruiter: You commie.
(Alright, I made that last line up.)

Still, it is because I know how terrible of a soldier I would have been that I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to all the veterans out there. If it weren't for you this country would be a much more dangerous place. God bless, stay safe and come home soon.