Phone Tag

Even though I am not thrilled when they call my house (especially since I'm supposed to be on the National Do-Not-Call list), I try not to be a dick to telemarketers. First off, I'm sure they aren't any happier about the situation than I am. I highly doubt many of them sat around when they were younger dreaming of being yelled at and hung up on for 8 hours a day and I really don't think the younger versions of themselves wrote essays about how when they grow up they want to call total strangers in the middle of dinner to try and talk them into having their chimney swept. If they could they would probably switch careers in a heartbeat, so I'm not going to hold their current job against them. But all I ask in return is that they start respecting my wishes when I tell them I'm not interested. Seriously, some of these guys just will not take no for an answer.

The first one happened last week. My phone rang and on the other end was "Rachel" from some credit card, with a recorded message offering the chance to lower my interest rates. Now, this is not the first time "Rachel" has called. A little Internet research (so you know it's true) reveals that this is some kind of loophole from the last government stimulus package that allows them to keep calling, even after you put your number on the Do-Not-Call list. Anyway, after listening to the entire message I was told that if I pressed one I could speak to a live operator, but if I pressed 2 my number would be taken off the list and I would not be contacted again. I pressed 2. I then waited... and waited... and waited for the cheesy music to stop, at which point I was connected to a live person. "Hi," he said. "Did you press 1 to learn about lowering your interest rates?" No, I informed him, I pressed 2 to be taken off this list. I then heard a disgusted grunt as if the guy had been personally insulted and he hung up on me. Awesome. Did he forget that his company were the ones that called me? "Rachel" has called my house since then, meaning I wasn't even taken off the list.

Then yesterday I received a call from a very pleasant lady who wanted to know if I would be interested in donating money to breast cancer research. Now, as awful as that disease is, my family has chosen another charity for our donations so I politely told her that I was not going to be donating. But, she kept pressing:

"Sir, are you sure?" I told her that I was. But, have a good day.
"You couldn't even make a small donation?" No. That's what I meant when I said I wasn't interested in making a donation. Did I need to be specific about the size of the donation I didn't want to make?
"Not even $20?" When did we start haggling? And if $20 is on the third no, how much were you planning on getting from me when you first called?
"Any bit would be appreciated." Bitch, are you not listening? I said no. How many times do I have to tell you that? Maybe you should go work for a foundation that works with people who have hearing problems.

Now, obviously, I didn't say that last part. I tried to keep my voice down and remain calm, but she was really starting to piss me off. The quickest way to get on my nerves is to make me say the same thing over and over again and that is what this woman was doing. She had my answer and she wasn't changing my mind. So, here's the deal telemarketers: if you call my house I won't scream, cuss or talk down to you. Hell, I'll even go so far as to listen to your entire sales pitch just to be nice. But when I tell you no (and, spoiler alert, I'm gonna tell you no 100% of the time), please accept my decision and get the hell of my phone. Otherwise, I'm just going to be added to the long list of people who hang up on you in mid-sentence and neither of us want that. Unless, of course, you were the weird kid who wanted to be hung up on. In that case, you definitely made the right career choice.

Just Show Me The Highlights

When I am watching football, all I'm looking for from my announcing team is the score, time remaining and the names of obscure players who were added to the roster this week. If they feel like they should include any more information I'll take it but it is really not necessary. What I most definitely do not want or need is some kind of opinion about sports and morality. But, that is exactly what I got this Sunday following the Bills/Jets game. For those of you who did not see it, the Bills scored a touchdown late in the first half. Bills wide-out Stevie Johnson, who had caught the touchdown, proceeded to do a little endzone celebration where he mimicked being shot in the leg while dancing. For a little context, three years ago Jets wide receiver Plaxico Burress was in a New York City night club when the gun that was in his waistband slipped down and shot him in the leg. He was subsequently charged with various gun violations and served 20 months in prison. Clearly, this dance was intended to make fun of that.

Almost immediately people started commenting about it on various social media sights. Scott Hanson, the host of NFL's RedZone channel (greatest channel in history), said the celebration was classless and seemed much more upset about it than Plaxico was when asked about it after the game. Other sports analysts seemed to take great glee in the fact that Johnson got a penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct, meaning that the Bills had to kickoff from the 20, as if the entire roster should somehow pay for this. (The happiest guy in this entire incident has to be Bills kicker Dave Rayner, who whiffed on the ensuing kickoff. Even with Johnson's penalty the Jets' drive should have started around midfield. Rayner's awful kick, the equivalent of a pro golfer whiffing on the tee box, put them at the Bills' 30. Yet somehow everything that happened was Johnson's fault.) Johnson later had two critical drops in the closing minutes of the 4th quarter that would have won the game for the Bills and from the tone in a few guys' voices you would have thought it Johnson was getting karmic payback for kicking a box of puppies.

However, it was Bob Costas that took it to another level by basically saying the Stevie Johnson celebration was a sign of how this country is going down the tubes. At halftime of every Sunday Night game NBC gives Costas a little soapbox to speak about something that happened in the NFL. This week he started off by saying that people are too busy "keeping up with the Kardashians to notice that we live in a culture that gets more stupid and graceless by the moment." Yes, tell the people watching your show (whose ratings wouldn't suffer one bit if Costas left tomorrow) how much you think they suck. Solid start. He then went on a rant about how players are too self-absorbed and spend too much time worrying about their endzone celebrations. He couldn't have sounded more like an old man griping about how things were better in his day than if he was sitting in a rocking chair on a porch and yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn. Also, it's a little hard to take a lecture about how people are too self-absorbed from a guy who probably spent 30 minutes in hair and make-up right before his appearance. Costas had been universally praised for his handling of the Jerry Sandusky interview a couple weeks before this, but it took just two minutes for people's opinions to be severely lowered.

Even though I'm not much of a dancer I have no problem with guys doing some celebrating when they make it to the endzone. Admittedly, I think most of the time they end up looking like idiots and I really can't stand it when they celebrate while down by a lot of points, but I get that football is a rough game and it has to be played with emotion to be played well. It you want to let those emotions out, fine. I actually have a much bigger problem with penalizing people for celebrating, especially at the pro level. This isn't pop-warner where everyone gets a trophy and no one's feelings should ever be hurt. We're talking about professional football and if you don't want to see somebody do a dance in your endzone then I suggest you stop them from getting there. It feels like Costas had the wrong rant anyway. If he was going to be offended he should be pissed at how PC we've become. When did making fun of the guy who brought a loaded gun into a crowded nightclub even though he clearly didn't know how to handle it, thereby endangering dozens of people and only by sheer dumb luck ended up just hurting himself become worse than actually being the guy who did the crime? I get that Plaxico served his time, but that doesn't mean he isn't above making fun of.

I can't stand it when people like Bob Costas think we give a crap about their opinions. Joe Buck's moral stand on Randy Moss fake-mooning a crowd in Green Bay is one of the main reasons people dislike him. Why don't you let us worry about whether or not we're offended and you can focus on calling out the right people's name, which some of these guys often get wrong. We're there for the game, not you. You could replace most play-by-play announcers with silence and I'm not sure many people would complain. Hell, I didn't even watch Bob's rant live - I never watch his halftime spiel. I only went online to see it later because everyone was remarking about what a tool he was being. People have enough unwanted opinions in their lives, sports should be the one place where they can just watch what is happening and not have to be told how outraged they should be about some event. But, the good news is that if Costas still feels like he has to give out these opinions no one really cares about he can start a blog like the rest of us.

Not Even Close

For as much complaining as I do about weathermen, at least they are occasionally right. They may only hit at a 50% clip on the long-range stuff, but usually by the night before a storm hits they have the forecast predicted correctly. This week I was reminded of a group of people who would kill to be right half the time and never come close, yet somehow escape a similar level of scrutiny: fantasy sports 'gurus'. The league that I am in is hosted by ESPN. One of the perks that ESPN offers is that it will predict the scores for head-to-head fantasy match-ups and based on those projections you can give the expected losing team extra points to try and make it close. Now, no one in my league has even thought about using this service and here is why: the projected scoring is wildly off. These so-called fantasy experts are never even close to figuring out how players are going to perform on any given week.

Now, I'm willing to accept that injuries are part of the game of football and that the people in charge of predicting points can't be held accountable when a player twists his ankle five minutes into the first quarter. That's totally reasonable. However, I'm talking about the guys who sit behind desks with mountains of math to back them up and tells you with conviction on Wednesday that Player X is going to have 115 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns, when it turns out that on Sunday he has 20 yards and no scores. If you're such an insider, shouldn't you have had a better idea of how the other team was going to game plan to make sure that didn't happen and adjust your prediction accordingly? And if you're not such an insider, why the hell should I care what you think? Everyone has opinions, you're on TV because yours are supposed to be based on some data to back them up.

I think the main reason this stuff bothers me is the unbelievable arrogance that these fantasy predictors seem to have. They never come out and tell you what they think might happen, these guys sit on TV with a smirk on their face and tell you what will happen. They have a level of self-confidence that would be admirable if it wasn't so damn annoying. I can pretend to know what I'm talking about too, but you don't see me demanding a six-figure salary while delivering a zero percent success rate. The old sports cliche is that on any given Sunday a team can beat any other team in the league regardless of records or talent, which is what makes the predicting game such a weird job to have in the first place. The experts always have this fall-back position of the unpredictably of sports to fall back on, which makes actually pointing out how often they fail a waste of time.

There are some people out there who will point out that games aren't played on paper and that it is nearly impossible to say how one specific player is going to perform during a game. I would tend to agree with those people. However, that is just what these fantasy football people claim they can do. They have made this into a job and for some reason no one seems to be holding them accountable for being terrible at it. If you were always wrong at your job, how long do you think you would last? A normal person would be fired within a couple months, but I have never heard of a fantasy expert getting fired for being wrong too often. Instead, at ESPN these guys get their own spin-off shows to be wrong on. I would also like to remind everyone that fantasy sports are a billion-dollar industry and so, honestly, even if these people are doing little more than flat-out guessing they had damn well start guessing better.

A Crowded Interlude

I don't do Black Friday. At some point in the past I decided that sleeping late and taking a day later in the holiday season to do the majority of my shopping is the smarter plan of attack. Most places have sales going on the entire month of December and while the discounts won't be as steep as they are on Black Friday, they are usually still good enough to warrant skipping the most crowded shopping day of the year and staying home.

Besides, with every news report of people getting trampled and assaulted during these sales I wonder how much longer Black Friday midnight sales are going to last anyway. At some point business owners and police are going to decide that is is a safety issue and stores can't keep letting people get out of control like this. After all, there had to be a reason the woman in Los Angeles thought she had to bring pepper spray with her on Black Friday. When you have to arm yourself to go shopping something is seriously out of whack. Ask yourself this simple question: how much good is a 62-inch television really going to do you if you can't see because your eyes are burning?

Weekly Sporties

-As the calendar prepares to flip to December, the Boston Red Sox still don't have a manager. The guy who was their first choice, Dale Sveum, ended up taking the Cubs job and none of the other candidates appear to have done a very good job of distinguishing themselves from the pack. As such, the media cry for the Sox to hire Bobby Valentine (the biggest name left on the pile) is getting louder. It isn't because they think Bobby V will be the best man for the job - they'll tell you otherwise, but in reality the media doesn't care about that. The real reason they want him in Boston is that Valentine is open, talkative and quick with a quote. In other words, he will make their jobs much, much easier. If they are smart about it the Sox will hurry up and make a decision, because if they don't the talking heads are going to get behind Valentine, the sports talk radio listeners will follow and convince themselves Valentine is the only man for the job. Then if the team ends up hiring someone else that guy is going to have an uphill climb to win over a fanbase who thinks the better option got away. So, the sooner the Sox can get this behind them the better off the next guy will be.

-Staying in baseball, it was announced earlier this week that the players union and the front offices for Major League Baseball had agreed on a new labor agreement. The old one was set to expire next month and both sides wanted to get a deal done before that. So, even though they had a few sticking points, like expanded playoffs and increased drug testing, the deal was negotiated behind closed doors and is expected to be signed off in a few days, so the league won't miss a beat. I'm sorry, do the two sides not know how this is done? First you let the old deal expire, then you lock out the players, then you both hold grand-standing press conferences to negotiate through the media while the days tick away, then you come together right before the season is about to be cancelled and agree on the deal that has been on the table from the beginning. At least, that is how everyone else appears to do it. I mean, since when the hell is baseball the most well-run sports league?

-I don't know if the baseball labor agreement being agreed to quietly was the sign that everyone involved in the NBA labor negotiations needed, but late last night the sides came together on a new deal behind closed doors which is expected to be ratified in a couple days and the league should kick off on Christmas Day, with each team playing about 65 games. Now, the deal that was signed is very similar to the deal which had been proposed for a couple of weeks, so just like I said would happen the two sides could and should have been at this point well before now. And the union's grand bargaining idea of decertification of the player's union is now only going to slow things down, as they have to re-form as a union to agree to the new deal. In other words, they missed a paycheck for nothing. But, at least the season will get started without missing too many games and that probably isn't a bad thing, as there are too many games to begin with. Honestly, I think I will survive if the Celtics only play the Bobcats twice instead of three times.

-After the Internationals lost the Presidents' Cup for the 7th time in 9 meetings, Captain Greg Norman came out and suggested a few changes to the format. First thing he wants to get rid of is the schedule of the foursome sessions, where partners hit alternate shots. The Internationals lost the two foursome sessions by a score of 8-3, which is also how many shots the lost the Presidents' Cup by. (Weird, right? Got to be a coincidence.) Norman said the American team has an advantage since they play the Ryder Cup in the years that the Presidents' Cup is not being played and therefore they get more practice time with it. For now we'll ignore the fact the the Europeans don't appear to have any problems with the format and if it was such an advantage then the Americans' record in the Ryder Cup would be much better. Instead I'll just say that Norman has picked the wrong time to voice these complaints. You can't come out and suggest changes to the event you just lost, specifically to the format that you were worst in. Even if your concerns are valid they are just going to come across as sour grapes. This is one of those moments where you should just write any ideas you have down on a list and come back with them in a little while. For example, Norman also wants more captain's picks. Considering that one of his picks was the only man on either team not to record a point, I don't see that getting much traction. Maybe with a little time to gain perspective, he will see that is one suggestion he can leave off his list. See, I'm helping.

-In the 3rd quarter of the Thanksgiving Day game between the Lions and the Packers, Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh got tangled up with a Packers' offensive lineman. Both fought their way to the ground, where the fight continued (as it usually does) well after the whistle. As he was being pulled off the lineman, Suh took the opportunity to fire one last shot and stomped at the Packer, landing on his arm. For his actions Suh was ejected and will likely be suspended for a game. All that is fine with me. It's football - these things happen. What annoyed me the most was after the game, when Suh tried to defend himself by saying he wasn't trying to stomp on the guy, he was turning to leave and he would never do such a thing. Dude, we have it on video. We all saw it in double slow-motion. I know everything looks worse in slow-mo, but there is no getting around this. By trying to convince us that something we all witnessed happen didn't happen, you insult our intelligence. That isn't going to win you any fans. Had you just own up to it and chalk it up to the heat of the moment and we would have all moved on. Now people are not only going to think you're dirty, but they're going to make fun of you for saying something so stupid on top of it. (Of course, they won't do it to your face. You have a history of stomping on people. No one taunts the violent guys to their face.)

-In the middle of the week the University of Arizona hired former Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez to run their program. Now, I don't have a problem with the hire, I actually really like it. I think Rodriguez's open style of offense will play very well in the Pac-12 and with no expectations on him he'll be able to build the program up at a reasonable pace. No, what I took exception to was the fact that the University first announced his hire on Twitter. Now, look, I've become quite fond of Twitter in the two years that I have been using it. That being said, it is not how I would choose to announce an important decision for my university. Maybe you send out a Tweet linking back to the University's website and the official press release, but the first place you turn to when announcing something like this should hold a little more weight than where most people go to announce their dinner plans.

-Another university about to undergo a coaching change is that of THE Ohio State University. Apparently, Ohio State has an agreement in place with former Florida coach and current ESPN analyst Urban Meyer. Reports from various ESPN reporters say the money is all figured out, Meyer just wants to make sure the school isn't going to be under any NCAA sanctions for prior problems before he officially takes the job. Now, all someone has to do is tell that to Urban Meyer, because he has spent the better part of a week telling anyone who will listen that he has no such agreement in place, he has not been offered any coaching job and he certainly hasn't accepted any job. Clearly, someone in this equation is either loud-wrong or lying. I assume it is Meyer because he is a football coach and they always lie about this kind of stuff. Still, that has to make for a few super-awkward moments around the ESPN production meetings.

Thanksgiving Ramblings

-There was a bit of controversy yesterday when some former "American Idol" contestant was singing in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and was way off with his lip-syncing from one of the parade floats. Now, I wasn't watching it and it is no secret that people lip-sync their performances during the parade (what I can't answer is why they are there in the first place), but from all accounts it was extremely bad, even by normal standards. People are giving him a fair amount of crap for it, but the only thing is that I'm not so sure it's a bad thing. When you think about it, doesn't the fact that you are a terrible lip-syncer mean that you haven't spent much time practicing it? That has to make you feel good if you wanted to see that person in concert - it means they usually perform live. I think is it is the equivalent of someone locking their keys in their car: you want them to be able to get back in, but you don't want them to do it with world record timing. That would raise more questions than it answers.

-There was another bit of controversy surrounding another former "American Idol" contestant yesterday. This time it was a girl (and no, I don't remember her name and won't go looking it up out of principle), who took a pause in the middle of the National Anthem before the Packers and Lions game, making it abundantly clear she had forgotten the words for a second. First off, this is exactly why I don't watch "American Idol" - all it has done is given us a bunch of bland singers to perform the National Anthem before sporting events on Fox, each one completely indistinguishable from the next. But secondly, I keep hearing from musicians how hard the National Anthem is and I want to call bullshit. While I'm certainly not about to give it a try, I don't think it is as hard as they want us to believe. Thirdly, this is exactly why Christina Aguilera shouldn't be the judge on any singing competitions: she's clearly a bad influence.

-Whenever I see news stories concerning Black Friday, they always interview someone who has been waiting outside a store since 3 AM. And all I can think when I see these stories is that clearly those people don't have a comfy bed. Seriously, after a day of turkey, beer and sitting on a couch it practically takes a stick of dynamite to get me out of bed the next morning. I don't care how much televisions are being discounted, my bed is simply not going to let me go. Now, admittedly I'm not a napper so my tryptophan slumber builds all day and then really kicks my ass at night. Still, I think instead of getting in line in the middle of the night to get a good price on a GPS, some of those people should see if the local mattress store is having a big sale they need to know about.

-I make no secret of the fact that geography is not my thing, even local locations. I'm really terrible at knowing where towns are located, especially when it comes to the North Shore of Massachusetts. Anything north of Wakefield or west of Framingham and I'm pretty much guessing. But even with that admission I assume it's especially bad (even for me) that I seem to learn most of my Massachusetts geography by seeing which high schools play each other on Thanksgiving. ("Oh, Grafton is out by Millbury. Now, if only I knew where Millbury was...") It's ok, I've just lived in this state my whole life. I'm bound to figure out where everything is at some point.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope everyone is having a safe

and wonderful Thanksgiving!

Enjoy a day full of family,

football and too much food.

Haters In The House

I've never understood the social phenomenon where it becomes popular to hate on a thing. You know how this goes: it starts out that some thing (actor, band, song, movie, TV show) is mildly popular, but then people get a little too behind it and so in an attempt to be anti-establishment the hipsters decided that it's cooler to hate that mildly popular thing. Somewhere along the line it takes on a life of its own and before too long there are way more people hating that thing than ever liked it to begin with. (Ironically, then by still liking the object you have become the anti-establishment one, but it never seems to give those people any street cred.) The latest example of this is the band Nickelback.

Personally, I don't hate Nickelback. I'll be honest, I rarely think of them enough to hate them. However, they clearly get on a lot of people's nerves. I guess I could understand it better if I ever heard a valid reason, like most of their songs sound the same, but the rationale is never that clear. Whenever I ask people why they hate Nickelback, the response I get is usually, "Because they suck." Yes, very precise. I'm shocked you weren't on the high school debate team with those razor-sharp rebuttal skills.

The hate for the band has been especially clear lately as their management team continues to book them in places where they are not wanted. When the Winnipeg Jets said Nickelback was going to play the opening of the new arena, Canadians (and keep in mind the band is Canadian) took to the world wide web to protest. Now the band is scheduled to play tomorrow's halftime show during the Lions and Packers game and people are pissed. Almost as soon as the booking was announced people started complaining. Apparently, who plays in the middle of Ford Field with only half the crowd paying attention while the other half is checking their voice mails and running to the bathroom is a very touchy subject.

Now, to the band's credit they are trying to get out ahead of this. They have obviously learned that if you can't beat them, you may as well join them. So, they went on Funny or Die and made a video about why Detroit hates them. Here's the problem: the video isn't funny. I think all this is going to do is make people hate them more. It was a good try, boys, but next time you should leave the comedy to the professionals. Oh, and get better agents, because clearly the ones you have now don't have a clue where they should be booking you.

Nickelback responds to NFL Petition from Nickelback

Party On

Should the mood strike me, I am not above a good one-man dance party while in my car. There are some days when a great song comes on unexpectedly and you simply can't fight the urge to roll down your windows, turn up the volume and bob your head to the music. (But if singing along is involved I would recommend keeping the windows rolled up.) They come on very slowly: first it starts out with bobbing your head and maybe tapping your hands on the wheel. Then the tapping turns into a drum solo and you start moving the foot that isn't on the gas pedal. Next thing you know there is a little shoulder movement and then, BAM - full-on dance party in your car. Occasionally, they just can't be helped.

However, even more fun than having your own car dance party is watching someone else have one of their own. This afternoon I was sitting at a traffic light when a woman pulled up next to me who was rocking out. She had the windows down and was shaking every bit of what her mama gave her. She was whipping her hair back and forth, doing that weird finger-pointing dance we all do and moving around enough in her seat that her car was literally rocking from side to side. Clearly she was very happy about dropping her little ones off at whatever day care she was coming from and was in the mood to celebrate her few hours of freedom.

Now, when you see someone rocking out to some music in their car which is loud enough for you to hear but not loud enough to tell exactly what song in on there is really only one thing to do - find the song on your own car radio and judge the other person's taste in music. I mean, if the other driver is on a station that usually plays terrible music then frankly you know all you need to know about them. I can't very well be expected to forge an imaginary friendship with someone who listens to crappy music, now can I? With the increase of satellite radios and mp3-compatible stereos in cars this doesn't always happen. Let me tell you, there is nothing worse than scanning passed all the normal stations and not finding the song which is bringing so much happiness to the person one lane over. Fortunately, the woman in the car next to me was just on the normal Top-40 station and while Mary J. Blige isn't normally my cup of tea, I guess she can be catchy if the moment is right.

What I was really impressed with was the dancer's focus - she kept her eyes locked on the road in front of her and was not about to look left or right. You see, nothing kills a dance party faster than being caught by people who were not invited. Since this woman was driving with the windows down and the volume up fairly high she couldn't exactly expect people to not look in her direction and she didn't have the luxury of hiding behind very tinted windows. She had no expectations of privacy and therefore it was her responsibility to make sure the party kept rolling by not checking out any cars around her and welcoming eye contact from strangers. By only looking straight ahead she could just pretend there were no other cars around. Clearly, this woman had done this dance routine a few times. I'm sure her kids are normally thrilled about it, because I know all the cars around her appreciated the show.

Not Very Supportive

Like most people, I do not take it well when I have a computer issue. I tend to get very frustrated, very quickly. Personally, I think my frustration comes from the fact that computers are something I feel like I know a little about. Unlike car engines, which I know nothing about, when a problem occurs with my computer often I feel like I should be able to figure out what it is and fix it. So when I can't I get extra annoyed. Now most of the time I combat this frustration by reminding myself that what I am working on isn't particularly important. After all, while there are millions of websites out there, I repeatedly go to roughly nine of them. So yes, it is annoying that I can't update my fantasy football line-up this second, but it is not as though I'm sending out launch codes. That perspective seems to help. However, when the problem interrupts something work-related, you may want to take a few steps back. You see, at that point not only am I annoyed at having a problem but because I am usually pressed for time I have to take the very unwanted step of calling tech support and that only adds to my annoyance.

I hate calling tech support, and not just because it is blow to the male ego akin to pulling over and asking directions (the main reason GPS was invented). What I can't deal with is the tone with which the people on the other end of the line talk to you. It's a mix that sounds both condescending and inconvenienced, as though this person is doing you a personal favor in their free time. I get that some of the people who call tech support are doing so because they are new to technology and can't figure out something very simple, but that does not apply to all of us. For example, in trying to run a program through a website today I was text-chatting with that site's tech support and the first question the person asked was if I was connected to the Internet. Seriously? How else would we be chatting here? No, I'm sending out smoke signals to my neighbor. They have the Internet connection and are just being nice enough to be my relay messenger. That question was so dumb I was insulted for both of us.

However, here's a conclusion that I just came to this afternoon: I think the tech support people are wishing and hoping that you're an idiot. When their little chat icon pops up I bet they are crossing their finger that on the other end of the line is some 94 year-old great-grandmother who can't figure out how to make the words on her screen bigger, because as it turns out not everyone working in the field is as much of a computer genius as they may want us to believe. For example, today I was talking to that person and told them how I adjusted my browser, changed some cookie settings and downloaded an updated version of my flash players, yet was still having issues and wondered what else they could suggest I try. "Did you try turning off your computer and turning it back on?", came the response. You're telling me to reboot? You mean, the first thing everyone tries when they have a computer issue? Of course I did that. I did that an hour ago. I was looking for something a little more technical than that.

What I think needs to happen is some type of tech support screening and I mean one that goes in both directions. If I know a little bit about what I am talking about, then why not send me to the technician who is going to give me better tip that is better than, "Um, did you try blowing on it?" Meanwhile if the person calling isn't really sure where the 'on' button is, don't tie up your best personnel to deal with them. I'm thinking a few questions about the methods the caller with the problem has already tried, mixed in with a couple of generic ones about the operating system the person is dealing with. And if the person can't figure out how to answer those questions, well, then we know which end of the dial they fall on. On the other end, the employees take regular proficiency exams so the people who only know how to handle the basic problems only deal with the people who have basic problems. Because, you may find this shocking, rebooting my computer didn't fix my problem.

The Land Down Under

For the most part, television producers are a pretty unoriginal bunch who never bother to toss many idea back and forth. They go with the first thing that is thought of, which often means doing exactly what they did last time. This is really true when it comes to sporting events and especially for any sporting event taking place in a foreign land. For example, this week I've been watching a lot of the Presidents' Cup, which is being played in Australia this year. That means the producers feel the need to keep reminding the viewers where the event is with lots of b-roll of what they consider to be Australian items. So, for the past couple of days I have gotten a steady dose of shots of koala bears, kangaroos and the Sydney Opera House, even though though the event is being played in Melbourne. (I will say this about holding the event in Australia - they are so far ahead of me, time-wise, that it's actually convenient. Unlike having to get up super early to watch the British Open or the Ryder Cup, this Presidents' Cup is on in prime-time. It's kind of nice.) Basically, it feels like you're watching a children's show about the place.

And the music is even worse. The big thing when transitioning from broadcast to commercials is trying to play some music (called a bump) that reminds the viewers of the location. The challenge comes from the fact that most of the people picking the music are around 50 and stopped listening to new music in the 80s. The bumps on this broadcast have been almost exclusively AC/DC. While normally I like AC/DC and I appreciate the restraint shown in not playing Men At Work, I feel like they are ignoring some pretty good Australian bands. I mean, would it kill them to play some Midnight Oil, just once? And, if they want to be dragged kicking and screaming into this century they could play something from this week's musical interlude, Silverchair. Honestly, guys, there was some good music made in the late 90s and early 2000s. You just have to be willing to go looking for it.

Weekly Sporties

-Before last Sunday's Bills/Cowboys game there were a couple cute little stories about Bills wide receiver David Nelson and his girlfriend, who happens to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. In one of the stories Nelson mentioned that if he scored in the game he had something special in mind as a celebration. Well, Nelson caught a touchdown late in the second quarter and proceeded to sprint the length of the sidelines to present his girlfriend with the football and give her a hug. Now, a lot of Buffalo fans are unhappy with Nelson because at the time the Bills were losing 21-7 and his celebration looked pretty self-serving considering the score. I also take exception to it, but for other reasons. First off, there was nothing very special about it. Secondly, it didn't seem like the girlfriend was all that thrilled about it. Sometimes (and this is coming from a guy who has a habit of doing things just to make girlfriends blush) when a girl tells you not to make a showy gesture, you should listen. But, mostly this felt as though Nelson was trying to show off to the world that he's dating a Cowboys cheerleader. Dude, you're a professional football player - you're supposed to have a hot girlfriend. Jees, act like you've been there before.

-Early in the week Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski broke the record for most victories by a men's coach in the history of college basketball. Sitting at the game was Bobby Knight, whose record Coach K was about to break. I have always wondered exactly what was the point in making people come out to watch someone else break their records. (Now, at least in this case there was a connection, because Bobby Knight coached Krzyzweski when both were at West Point.) Still, I don't see the need to drag someone across the country just to make them watch their name be kicked off the top of the heap. You know damn well people, especially the super-competitive people who inhabit the world of sports, don't want their names erased from the history books and if they could find a new job to add a few more games to their totals they would. This is a not a good day for them - don't add to their misery by sticking a camera in their faces and demanding they look happy about it because if they don't everyone at home will think they are a jerk. Let them stay at home and wish the person loses every game for the rest of their lives, like a normal person.

-A few days ago former Red Sox manager Terry Francona, who had interviewed for the vacant Chicago Cubs manager position, took his name out of consideration for the job saying he wanted to stay at home for a year. In other words, Terry was never getting the Cubs job. I love it when people do stuff like this - basically try to get ahead of the story by saying they didn't want a job they weren't going to get anyway, as if it was their call. It's the old, "You can't fire me, because I quit" move. And you knew this statement from Terry was just the Cubs allowing Francona to save face because new Cubs GM Theo Epstein is close with him from their time in Boston. If the Cubs really had Francona as the top choice to be their manager they would have been back at the drawing board, going back over the list of candidates and it would have delayed the hiring process. Instead, they named a new manager on Thursday. But, no - not taking the job was totally Terry's idea.

-While we're talking baseball, the league announced a bunch of changes the other day. First off, as a condition of their sale, the new owners of the Houston Astros agreed to switch to the American League, finally balancing both baseball leagues out at 15 teams each. With this balance there is going to be inter-league play throughout the year instead of a couple week-long spurts of it. Most importantly, it was announced that there would be an additional wild-card team for both leagues added for the playoffs: the two wildcard teams will face off in a one-game playoff with the winner going to the divisional series and the loser going home. Commissioner Bud Selig said he hopes that all this can be put into place by next year - 2013 at the latest. Wait, so this stuff we can just rocket through, but any measures meant to speed up the game have to be put into committees and talked about for decades? And not a single mention of expanding the use of instant replays to include stuff like close tags and whether or not an outfielder trapped the ball? Well, thank God we're going to have more 5-hour playoff games instead.

-In the wake of the Penn State scandal, several college football bowl officials have come out and said that should the Nittany Lions lose a couple of the games remaining on their schedule and fall out of major bowl contention they could have a tough time getting an invite to play anywhere after the regular season. The officials said that when people schedule these games they want uplifting stories and to see all the positive sides of college athletics, not to be reminded of stuff like the on-going sexual abuse scandal. I have to be honest, in the wake of all the mess that is coming from College Park, I find this to be a shocking story. I mean, everyone already knows that the bowls are mostly irrelevant and that some schools get invited to bowls because of who they are, not because of how well they played that year. But, it's just shocking to actually hear a bowl official say it. When you stop and think about all the scandal and inter-conference hopping that has been around college athletics, it's a little sad that this might be the most honest thing anyone associated with college football has said in years.

-I'll tell you one team that doesn't have to worry about planning for a bowl game: Columbia. The Lions are 0-9 and it's so bad that their own band has started making fun of them. Last week the band introduced some new lyrics to the school fight song during their game about how bad the team is and how the fans need to get drunk to deal with it. Originally the school said this behavior was unacceptable and the band was going to be barred from this week's game, but reversed that decision after getting pressure from the press and various alumni. Normally, I'm for anything that takes a marching band down a notch, because there is nothing worse than going to a college game and dealing with a band that thinks the 80,000 people are there to see them. (You have your own competitions and no one goes to them for a reason, bandies.) However, in this case I can understand why people were upset with kicking the band out. I mean, it's Columbia. No one is expecting great football but 0-9 is bad, even for them. At some point you just have to laugh about it. And now seems like that point, because when Dartmouth is beating you by 37 points, I think laughing about it will be a hell of a lot easier than fixing the football team.

-Staying in the Ivy League, Yale senior Patrick Witt faced a tough decision. Saturday he was scheduled to interview for a Rhodes Scholarship. But, Witt is also the quarterback of the Yale football team and Saturday they play Harvard in what is known simply as "The Game". Witt decided to play the game and withdrew his scholarship application. This, of course, led to all sorts of talking heads to jump on television and tell this kid he was making a huge mistake. Ok, three things:

1) The kid is allowed to make his own decisions. It is his life, he can do with it what he pleases.
2) If the kid is in line for a Rhodes Scholarship, my guess is he's pretty smart and doesn't need outside council from guys like Mark May.
3) Witt will still graduate from Yale. I doubt many doors are about to be slammed in his face whether he studies at Oxford or not.

Frankly, I think it shows great leadership to put the needs of your team ahead of individual success - that sounds like just the kind of person who should be getting a Rhodes Scholarship. But, this is not the first time this has happened. One of the members of the committee has said people miss games all the time to have their interviews. Well, here's a thought: move the interviews. Why are they on a Saturday anyway? You know, if this committee is too stupid to see such an easy conclusion, maybe they shouldn't be the people handing out scholarships to begin with.

Pop Culture Quickies

-On Thursday came news that Demi Moore had filed for divorce from her husband Ashton Kutcher after six years of marriage. Personally I don't think you should ever be surprised when a Hollywood couple calls it quits, I don't care how long they have been married or what the age gap is between them. But what I can't get over in this case are the people who appear shocked by this development. Seriously? Do none of you remember all the jokes that were made about these two when they first got together? If you had bet the over/under in Vegas for the length of their marriage, six years would have been way over. You know those couples that get married and everyone quietly whispers behind their backs about how little hope they have of the couple actually making? Well, this was one of those couples. You can't suddenly act surprised when it turns out you were right.

-This morning it was announced that the Los Angeles Police Department would re-open the case surrounding the death of actress Natalie Woods. Woods drowned in 1981, but now the captain of the boat she was on the night has come forward with his suspicions that the actress's husband, actor Robert Wagner, may have been involved in her death. Not surprisingly, this captain has a new book coming out in which you can read all about the new details he apparently didn't think were important enough to bring up until someone was paying him for them. You know, there are plenty of reasons I wouldn't want to be a cop, but I really wouldn't want to be a cop in Los Angeles. Every time someone starts making stuff up just to sell a book about a famous death you have to pretend to take it seriously or risk being accused of not doing your job. It has to be a tremendous waste of time.

-Earlier this week People magazine named actor Bradley Cooper the Sexiest Man Alive. Immediately females across the world took to the internet to protest, claiming that Ryan Gosling should have gotten the title this year. Um, ladies, you do know that it doesn't actually mean anything, right? Cooper gets no powers, no responsibilities and no additional bump from this. I mean, it's not like he gets to take "Case 39" or "All About Steve" off his resume. So, how about you all stand down? Basically, all you've done is make the editors at People Magazine jobs that much easier, because I think it is a pretty safe bet as to who wins it next year.

-When director Brett Ratner used a gay slur during a red-carpet event, he was almost immediately removed from directing this year's Oscars, taking scheduled host Eddie Murphy with him. The safe, non-offensive Billy Crystal will replace Murphy as the master of ceremonies. Meanwhile, over at the Golden Globes Ricky Gervais has hosted for two straight years and has pretty much used the opportunity to blast everyone in the room. I distinctly remember last year he ripped into people so badly that everyone said there was no chance he would ever host the show again. Well, joke's on them, because this week Gervais was named the award show's host for the third straight year. Just goes to show you - there are some people out there who think there is no such thing as bad publicity.

No, The Other One...

You know, for as great as their spirit of adventure was, the early settlers of this country sure were an unimaginative group of people. I mean, how else can you explain the complete lack of originality when it came to naming places? Every town name is just recycled from somewhere else. For example, the pilgrims left from Plymouth aboard the Mayflower and they landed in... Plymouth. Really? They had over two months of staring at the ocean with nothing else to do but let their minds wander and come up with some kick-ass name to signify how much better their lives were going to be in the new world and in all that time the only thing they could think of was to give the new place the same name as the place they just left? I could stand in line at the grocery store for five minutes and come up with something more original than that.

I get that some of the places had to be named out of respect for the monarch who financed the trip, but at some point that deal had to expire, right? At the very least by the time people started settling California it should have been ok for people to start naming places whatever their heart desired. Yet, they just kept on recycling the same names over and over again in every state across the country. I'm sure the writers of "The Simpsons" appreciate the joke since they've been milking for 20 years, but the rest of us should be slightly embarrassed that we were founded by such unoriginal bastards that we have a town name Springfield every 200 miles. Maybe it was performance anxiety. I assume it would be tough to name something knowing it was going to be on maps for the rest of time. The self-doubt and second-guessing would be high. But, at least then we could have appreciated the efforts.

This is on my mind today because I happen to like to keep up with what is going on in my hometown and have set up a Google News Alert for Norwood. The problem is that even though I asked for the Massachusetts one, Google isn't nearly as specific as I am about which Norwood. Instead anytime the word appears, Google News shows the article to me. Normally I can tell right away when the story is about another Norwood, but the problem is that sometimes the people in charge of naming an area were extremely lazy and copied not only a town name, but the names of several towns around it. So when I was reading a story about the Norwood library in Norfolk, I felt safe assuming it was the one I'm from and not the one in up-state New York, which made my confusion about the library's potential closing all the greater considering Norwood just rebuilt its library a few years ago. It was only when I saw pictures of the library that I realized Google doesn't share my fickle nature when it comes to geography.

Of course, that is far from the only other Norwood Google wants to keep me informed about. I also get alerts when big things happen in Norwood, Ohio and Norwood, New Jersey. I'm sure it is only a matter of time before something happens in Norwood, South Australia that Google can't wait to tell me about. But at least I can take comfort in the fact that Norwood, Massachusetts appears to be the largest of all of them, which means that not only are people in those other Norwoods are dealing with the same thing I am, but the majority of the time it is about my town. I mean, it could be worse: I could be from Canton, which means I would constantly get Google Alerts every time something happened at the Pro Football Hall of Fame. I guess if you're going to be lumped in with several places that all have the same name, you at least want to be the most famous of the group.

Wake Up Call

I'm not a morning person. Sure, I can get up whenever I need to (I did work in morning drive radio for years, after all) but I would just rather not have to. Admittedly, I don't start out with a good mindset. When my alarm first goes off I am not thinking about all the wonderful opportunities that may be about to come my way on this new and exciting day, but more like how much I want to kill whoever made it unfashionable to show up to places unshowered which is what is making me get up an hour earlier than would be necessary otherwise. Because of my slow-going nature first thing in the morning I have tried various methods to make sure I actually get out of bed on time. I went with the two alarms for a while, but they lost their shock appeal quickly. Instead I have found the best way is to put an alarm clock across the room, because once I am standing that is pretty much it for the day.

The other good trick is to vary my wake-up siren. If I hear the same song, buzzer or ring too many times it begins to lose its effectiveness in knocking me out of whatever dream I am in. If my brain knows what is coming, all that will happen instead is suddenly my dream will be filled with people singing and that makes me even less likely to wake up. So, lately I've been using my iDock to get me out of bed, which is the best of both worlds - it is across the room which makes me get on my feet and every song is different, which means my brain doesn't know what to expect and demands I wake up and investigate the noise. But, here's a free tip to anyone thinking of using this method: the night before you may want to take a second and double check what song in next on the list, because some songs are not nearly as pleasant to wake up to as others.

The songs you really want to watch out for are the ones that begin with some sort of sound effect or strange noise. While you might think that a bizarre noise is just the trick to make someone hop-to it first thing, believe me when I tell you that some noises you would rather not hear first thing in the morning. The problem is I have a lot of heavy metal and rock on my iPod. I know that sounds as though it would be more effective in getting me up versus some quiet ballad, but those guys love their sound effects to start their songs and a lot of them lean towards the violent and destructive side. That means this morning the first sound I heard was that of an air-raid siren going off at the start of a Disturbed song.

Sure, with the benefit of several hours in which your brain has been comprehending what is going on around it, you might find the thought of an air-raid in 2011 preposterous. Frankly, I do not even know if my town has an air-raid siren at the ready. But, try telling that to someone who has been asleep for several hours. Seriously, for a frightening half-second, I thought we were under attack. It was not a good start to the day. I need to get out of bed, not be scared someone is on the rampage. So, if you are looking for a better way to make sure you don't miss your morning train I can tell you the iDock across the room is a very effective way to do it. Just make sure to check what song is coming on next, because terrified is no way to begin the day.

I Didn't Ask For That

I was out at dinner the other night and ordered a hamburger. Since I had a small, early lunch I was starving by the time it arrived but still wanted to double check that my order was correct, since I refuse to be one of those people who eats half a sandwich before sending it back because something is not up to my standards. The burger I had ordered was a fairly simple one - the menu said it came with bacon, garlic mayonnaise (spoiler, tasted just like the regular stuff) and cheese. That was all the ingredients that were listed. Still, I decided to check it out, because I know places have a habit of just tossing in extras. On top was some lettuce, but I don't mind that. But that still made my spider-sense tingle and I kept digging. Sure enough, hidden under the burger (and I really hate it when cooks do that, by the way) was a tomato slice. Here's a question I would like to ask all the food service people of America: why do you automatically include a tomato slice in every sandwich?

I happen to not like tomato slices. I will eat tomatoes in both sauce and ketchup form, but I do not enjoy plain slices of tomato. And, an informal poll reveals that I am far from the other person who shares this feeling. Yet, tomatoes are tossed onto sandwiches almost daily, as if the people making the food are doing us a favor. "Hey, I threw in a little extra for you, free of charge!" Man, if you are going to throw something extra in, how about some more meat to create a bigger burger? Or, better yet, you could toss on some extra fries. But, no, instead you get all generous with the extra, unwanted item that has the consistency of a spoiled apple and feels as though the middle of it isn't done growing yet. Oh, and it has seeds to. Awesome. How kind of you. At least it's not like tomatoes have a strong taste. If they did they would tell you to use tomato juice to cover up really rancid smells, like if you got sprayed by a skunk. Hey, wait a second...

Restaurants do this with pickles as well. Pickles just show up on the plate as if they belong there by birthright. They aren't as bad as tomatoes because they aren't touching the sandwich I didn't want them on to begin with. Not to mention they are off to the side, so there is little to no chance you can bite into one by accident, unlike the hidden tomato slices. However, pickles do always managed to make the three or four nearest french fries taste like pickle, which is to say they ruin the nearest three of four french fries. And again, this is an item most people do not want or ask for. I'm fairly convinced that pickles get sent out and return to the kitchen unscathed all the time. Wouldn't surprise me that to save costs some places, rather than waste them, recycled them and that go out there four or five times before they actually get eaten. It is also an issue of health. Since every child born today has a peanut allergy you would never see them just include peanuts with an order. I'm not even sure if pickle allergies are a thing, but all it would take is one person having one and you'd have a huge lawsuit on your hands.

The thing is, I would be more than happy to tell my server that I didn't want tomatoes or pickles with my dinner if they simply told me they were included. Just put something on the menu to let me know they are coming unless I make a formal request. A couple summers ago there was a tomato shortage and places stopped automatically putting them on sandwiches, making you ask for them if you wanted tomato slices. It was glorious. But, most places are back to including them without asking if you want them or telling you they are coming. In this down economy we can't afford to be just giving away food that more often than not is going to waste. So, I say keep your tomatoes to yourself unless someone specifically asks for one. That way nothing gets wasted and I don't get any surprises four bites into my meal. Everybody wins.

Raking In History

Recently, my parents decided the deck off the back of their house needed replacing. (OK, it wasn't so much my parents deciding it as it was a couple of the beams breaking that decided it for them, but you get the point.) Anyway, a crew came by this weekend to take away most of the old decking, exposing parts of the yard that hadn't seen sunlight in nearly two decades. Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with the deck at my parents' house, it's only a couple steps off the ground. Therefore, my father thought this was a great time to rake out that area because while we haven't been able to get under this deck for all this time, leaves and other small, wind-blown items have had no such issues. Given the number of years that have passed since the deck was completed, there were not nearly as many leaves as I would have thought. But, what amazed me was all the other random items we found under there, some of which were a complete mystery as to where they came from.

First off, there were cans and bottles with logos that haven't existed for decades. This disturbed me because it made us look bad. My family may not be the most diligent of recyclers (admittedly, things slip through the cracks every now and again), but we aren't the type of people who would just throw bottles under the deck rather than get up and throw a bottle in the trash. Also, there is only one way under the deck and that is over by the air conditioner, which means you are pretty much in the house by that point. That's why I think people are wandering up the cliffs and tossing them in there. Worst of all, it's clearly been going on a while, because we're talking the old-school Coca-Cola bottles with the hard black plastic bottom. Seeing them was a blast from the past.

However, it was all the sporting goods that really confused me. First off, there was a full-sized soccer ball under the deck. Given the way my family has refused to embrace the beautiful game, can anyone postulate a scenario in which a soccer ball made it into the backyard? I'm thinking aliens, because that is the most realistic thing I can come up with. There was also a badminton birdie and I couldn't tell you if we even own a badminton net. But, the main thing under there were tennis balls. It's not like the dog put them under there, because while Harry was a great many things, he was not a chaser of anything. And not only were there a few loose tennis balls, but we literally found one of those plastic containers with two of the three tennis balls still inside. My sister was the only one who played tennis and while I don't remember her career being full of trophies, I don't remember her ever getting so frustrated as to start throwing equipment under the deck. I'm baffled as to where this stuff came from.

Raking through all this debris was like being on a mini-archaeological dig. Frankly, it took me back to the days when I was super into dinosaurs. Suddenly I was glad that I never pursued that career, because if I can't figure out where stuff like tennis balls and soda cans are coming from then I would have no chance telling you what happened to some giant lizard from hundreds of millions of years ago. So clearly what I learned from this experience is that we all choose our career paths for a reason. Oh, and I also learned that if you've lost anything in the passed couple of years, swing by my parents house, because there is a good chance whatever has gone missing is under their deck. Seriously, it's like the other end of the Bermuda Triangle under there.

A Heavy Interlude

Rapper Heavy D passed away this earlier this week, which made the weekly musical interlude a fairly easy decision. But, also I wanted to use it because it reminded me of when this was considered rap. Remember when guys like Heavy D were considered the hardcore acts? Oh, if we only knew what was coming down the line, we would have laughed at that notion. Looking back at where rap went and where it is now this video is downright innocent.

Weekly Sporties

-So, let's get your NBA lockout update out of the way early this week: everyone involved is stupid. I continue to hope and believe that there will be a season and that they'll probably still have a majority of the games. But even though we have been told for the last couple of days that a deal could be struck at any moment because the sides were so close, the players have decided to take the weekend away from the negotiating table and present the current deal to the players as is, even though they think it is unacceptable and should be rejected. This delay means a deal isn't going to be agreed to for at least another couple of weeks, which means the season won't start until after the new year. All this despite everyone knowing that when a deal is signed in a couple weeks it will look pretty much like what is on the table now. You may be wondering exactly what the hold up is and why, if the deal isn't going to change much between now and then, they don't just sign the thing now and get it over with? Well, again, it's because everyone involved is stupid and they deserve each other.

-It's been a couple of days and the fervor from the Penn State sex scandal appears to be calming down somewhat. When I first heard that Joe Paterno had been fired I thought it was a bad decision on the part of Penn State. I thought suspending him for the rest of the year would have been enough. But, then it was pointed out to me that all that would do is delay the inevitable and the scandal would be born again next fall. The only way to truly move passed this dark time in the school's history would be to clear out everyone involved and try to begin a new era. So, I came around on firing Joe-Pa. That being said, I thought the way the school fired Paterno was disgraceful. They sent him a letter telling him to call a number and then fired him over the phone. After all the money Paterno has given back to the school I feel like they at least owed it to him to fire him to his face. Send a car, he lives a mile from campus. You let the guy accused of child molestation roam the campus for 12 years, the least you could do is let the guy who made your university what it is today come back and face his firing squad. Instead the board of trustees hid like cowards. More and more I'm coming to grips with the fact that there are no winners in this story, as everyone looks bad. Moving on.

-So, after a very uneventful few games with the New England Patriots, defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth was released this week. When he was acquired I had wondered just how Haynesworth was going to fit in here, considering the Patriots play a 3-4 defense and Albert hates that defensive scheme. Turns out I had reason to worry, as Haynesworth barely made it onto the field and didn't appear very interested in the proceedings when he was out there. The good news is that this little experiment didn't cost the Patriots much. Also, Haynesworth was not involved in any off-the-field incidents during his time here, which was a concern after his behavior in both Tennessee and Washington. But, if you have ever wondered if you have made a bad trade, ask yourself the following question: are the two best things people can say about it was that it was cheap and at least the player involved never got arrested? If the answer is yes, then you have made a very bad trade.

-Speaking of bad trades, former Red Sox GM Dan Duquette was hired this week to be the new General Manager of the Baltimore Orioles. I was kind of surprised to read that news, because I thought Duquette's window to get back into baseball had closed. After you've been out of the game for a while teams just stop calling. But given his track record, I had wondered why he had such trouble finding a new job in baseball after his time in Boston. I know he was not the most personable of executives, but I always thought Dan had some good ideas and felt he got unfairly criticized for a lot of moves around the Red Sox. After all, he was the one who brought in both Manny Ramirez and Pedro Martinez and the Sox would never have won a World Series without them. And anyone who released Roger Clemens couldn't be all bad. I don't think he'll be able to turn the Orioles around, but that will have more to do with ownership than anything he does. I'm just glad that he managed to get back into baseball, because after you've been out of it for a few years people stop wondering where you've been.

-Another name that was popular in the early 2000s, but hasn't done much since then is that of John Daly. Daly was playing in a tournament in Australia the other day when he was assessed a two-stroke penalty. Unhappy with the ruling, Daly went to the next hole and proceeded to intentionally plunk 7 straight shots into the water (even I stop after 3). With no more balls in his bag, Daly was disqualified and walked off the course. The tournament executives were furious and the Australian Tour said Daly would not be allowed to participate in the other tournament in Australia that he was scheduled to play in a couple weeks. Now, I'm not even going to bother wondering why Daly (currently ranked 666th in the world) is even still getting sponsor's exemptions into tournaments, because it is a waste of time. Instead, I'm curious to find an answer to the following: why did he only have 7 golf balls in his bag? He's a pro, it's not like he has to buy them. Even I keep a few sleeves in my bag and I'm the one who has to carry it. I've seen the bags the pros use, it's not like he was going to run out of pockets or room. Given the way he's been hitting them lately, you would have thought he would have known better and had at least 10 golf balls at the ready. Then again, you can't exactly expect John Daly to make rational decisions.

-There was another bit of controversy at that same golf tournament, this one involving Tiger Woods' former caddy, Steve Williams. Last weekend Williams was accepting a tongue-in-cheek award from a caddy organization for the most over-the-top celebration following Adam Scott's win the week Woods fired Williams, which Williams said was the most satisfying victory of his career. During his acceptance speech, Williams referred to Woods using a racial slur. Woods, to his credit, came out and said Williams is not a racist and while the comment was unfortunate, he wasn't looking to make a big deal of it. You know, for a couple weeks after the firing, everyone thought Woods was the villain of this story and Williams the victim. But, now we see that our first impression of Steve Williams (bully, heavy-handed and all-around jerk of a guy) was probably the one we should have stuck with, while Woods is seen as the guy taking the high road. It just goes to show you: if you wait long enough the roles of any scandal will get reversed.

-A few days ago American surfer Garrett McNamara rode a 90-foot wave off the coast of Portugal, breaking the world record for the largest wave ever surfed. Now, that sounds very impressive and if you look at the pictures it is very stunning to see. But, I still feel like we're burying the lead here: there are 90-foot waves off the coast of Portugal. Apparently, there is an undersea chasm the size of the grand canyon which creates these big waves on a regular basis. Now, I've watch that documentary on rogue waves a few times now and know that a 90-foot wave is more than enough to take down a cruise ship. And these are rogue waves, which mean they can turn any direction they want at a moment's notice. You couldn't pay me enough to live on that beach. I don't care if scientists think they know the reason for the waves, I'll stick to Cape Cod and its 5-footers, thank you very much.

All About The Voice

For as much as I love music, more and more I find myself becoming annoyed with musicians. A lot of them appear to have a very skewered sense of reality and their place in the world. It is understandable that when you have record executives, groupies and fans falling all over themselves just to get a piece of you and constantly telling you how amazing you are that you may develop an over-grown sense of self-worth - I can totally get that. Where they lose me is when they stop thinking that what they are doing is entertainment and begin to think they are somehow changing the world. Recently, I saw the documentary "From The Sky Down" about U2's recording of that "Achtung Baby" album in Berlin. It was 90 minutes of the band just patting themselves on the back and puffing up the impact of their album. You know, I like "One" as much as the next guy, but can we stop pretending it was anything more than a good song? It didn't change the world. I love U2 and even I found them insufferable in this documentary. Not to mention, of the 12 songs on the album, only 3 (maybe 4) are among the best U2 songs, so how great can this album really be?

Of course as the writer of the lyrics, Bono is even more pleased with himself than the rest of the group, bringing up words like "fate" and "identity" during the recording of the album, as if it was more a religious experience than a musical one. You can't really be surprised at his attitude. Lead singers are always extra proud of what they do. Lead singers typically treat the rest of the band as though they should be grateful the singer even bothered to show up and as if the band couldn't function without them. Lead singers think they can walk on water and should get 100% of the credit if a band is successful and none of the blame should the band fail. Honestly, they hold themselves in pretty high regard. Do you want to know what the worst part about that is? More often then not, they are right.

Musical acts are all about the voice. That is why when bands break up the singer can launch a successful solo career while the rest of the guys wind up behind the glass, producing some other singer who they hopefully can stand a little better. The other day I was mowing the lawn and, as often happens when my iPod is on shuffle because there is so much of their music in my library, the band Oasis kept coming up. Now, it is a well known fact that Liam Gallagher is a giant prick and I'm not surprised that the rest of the band decided they could no longer deal with his attitude. That being said, he has a great voice. He recently came out with an album from his new band and do you know what? It sounds just like Oasis, which means I have liked what I have heard so far. I don't have to deal with him on a personal basis, so why do I care if he is hard to deal with? I just like the music he makes.

I'm sure that it is hard to hear if you are a member of a band, firmly (if inaccurately) believing that everyone in the band is equal. But it just isn't true. With the exception of Van Halen switching from David Lee Roth to Sammy Hagar, most of the attempts by musical acts to switch singers have gone down in flames. At that point you may as well change the name of the act, because it is no longer what people think you should sound like and they aren't going to embrace the new guy anyway. The former members of Creed thought they had a solution when they replaced Scott Stapp with a guy who sounded just like him and changed the band's name, but people realized they were still just Creed trying to pull a fast one and before long the band announced they were reforming with Stapp. It was a valiant effort, but not enough. In a situation like that you either go in a totally different direction or learn to deal with the lead singer being a jerk. Those are kind of your only options.

The bottom line is there is a reason that there are roughly 50 shows on television right now in which a panel of judges try to find the next great voice, but there are zero shows on in which a great band with no lead singer is being offered a record contract. It is all about finding that one distinct voice that stands out in a crowd. That one voice which is instantly recognizable, immediately tells the audience who the band is and let's them know they are in for a good show. Those voices are hard to find, but if you do discover one you should hold on to it because it can take you places as long as you are prepared to deal with the consequences, because often they come attached to a person who is a bit of a jerk.

Four Quick Ones

-The other day I was out having drinks with friends and went to get into my truck at the end of the night. I hit the unlock button on my remote and found that nothing happened. I hit it again and still the doors didn't unlock. I suddenly had visions of not being able to get into my truck and found myself wondering just how the hell was I going to fix this. Would I call a locksmith? It was late, would they still even be around? Would I have to break into my own car? Fortunately the third time was the charm, the doors opens and I proceeded home, feeling very lucky. It was not until several hours later that it dawned on me that during this entire time I had car keys in my hand. You know, the very thing people use when confronted with things like locked doors. I could have very easily opened the door, but I never even thought about using keys. I can't totally be blamed for this, because in the four years of owning my truck I have never once used the key to unlock the door, it has always been the remote. I'm just out of the habit. Still, it is moments like this that make me really worried. If I'm this bad now, it is only going to worse.

-Driving down the road yesterday a woman sped up to get in front of me, pulled into my lane and promptly slowed down. Fantastic. Loyal readers know this is a particular pet peeve of mine, as if you feel like you have to be in my lane you could just as easily wait until I've passed you to pull in. But, I was willing to let it go, right up until I saw the woman's licence plate: SUZYQ. For some reason, that just made her more annoying to me. I think it was because it made her annoying me more personal. If it was all the same to you, drivers of Massachusetts, I think I prefer to keep our road rage incidents anonymous.

-In a restaurant I saw an item which advertised "Irish Bacon" on the burgers. Full of wonder I ordered the sandwich, wondering just what made this bacon so Irish. Did they feed the pigs Guinness? Did they have a brogue? Were they wearing knit wool sweaters when the farmers took them down? Well, unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you because not only did I not taste any difference in the bacon, I could barely taste it at all. Then again, maybe that was what made it Irish - any and all taste had been boiled out of it. If anyone knows the answer to this I would greatly appreciate the knowledge.

-I'm gonna weigh in on the Joe Paterno stuff a little bit more on Saturday, but can I just say again how much I hate it when non-sports columnists write about sports? Most of them are not sports fans and are writing about a culture and mentality they know little about. Because of this, most of them keep going back to the same point that sports aren't really important in the grand scheme of things. Yeah, well, to some people they are. Those same people might find some of the stuff you normally write and care about really irrelevant, but at least they have the common courtesy to leave you alone and not point out to you how stupid we think your stuff might be. Just because a sports story has turned into a national story, that doesn't mean every columnist in the op-ed section with a deadline is required to write about it. Believe me, the sports department has plenty of opinions of their own and most of them will come from a much more well-informed position. You wouldn't allow the jocks to weigh in on the political debates or the Occupy Wall Street movement, so how about you leave the sports talk to the professionals.

Pardon The Interruption

Back in my disc jockey days, the Emergency Alert System was a pain in the ass. It was this black box in the corner of the room that taunted you like a time bomb. Even though we ran scheduled alerts every couple of weeks, occasionally it would come on without warning and spit a piece of paper at you, demanding you run an alert in the next few minutes. You would then have to stop whatever you were doing to take care of it as soon as the next song ended and that was a whole other process. It was a series of buttons to press, things to sign and papers to staple, all of which proved that just because some people can make it into college, they aren't smart enough to handle following five steps worth of directions. It had gotten to the point that we had to make sure the people working when they were scheduled were not complete morons. Still, there was nothing we could do about the unscheduled one - those were simply a crapshoot. All we could hope for was it happened during the day and that a director was nearby.

I was thinking about that this afternoon as the first nation-wide emergency alert was issued. After years of sending out tests at various times to test the readiness of locations individually and without warning, the people in charge decided it was time to go full-scale. This test was designed to truly test the system across the country, both TV and radio, all at once. But, at least the let us know it was coming and the stations went the next step of telling us it was coming. In fact, the build-up to the test was a little silly, as I repeatedly saw reminders every time I turned on the on-Demand section of my TV. Considering that the majority of people try and ignore these things when the come on and the test was happening at 2 in the afternoon, it felt as though everyone was trying just a little too hard to prove this was important. (This is the part where I should point out that I never heard a single EAS on the morning of September 11th, where one might have come in handy.)

Now, I was in my truck when the clock hit 2 and here's what really drove me crazy: stations cut into the middle of songs to play the alert message. I hate it when radio stations cut into songs as it is, but I really hate it when they do it unnecessarily. They knew this alert was coming, so why not plan the playlist accordingly? Have a break in there which allows the DJ to prattle on for a minute and then go to the alert when it is issued, rather than stopping a popular song in the middle for an interruption you knew was on the way. I've done that job before and it is not very hard to plan it out so that the music stops at very specific times. I'm terrible at math and I would do it all the time; these guys use computers and they still couldn't figure it out so that music wasn't cut off mid-chorus. It's just another way that things like iPods and other personal music players are beating up on radio - they never have to break in for stuff like this.

That, of course, leads to the larger issue of just why they bother to send out emergency alerts on radio anymore. TV I can understand, but radio continues to slide down the ladder of media in this country. As the alert was going on I was at a red light with a bunch of kids at a bus stop right next to me and not a single one of them appeared to be listening to the radio on their headphones. If this had been an actual emergency they would have had no idea. As people keep moving away from radio I wouldn't be surprised if in the future people try and figure out a way to send out emergency alerts to smart phones and other personal media devices. It would certainly make sure that whatever message they need to get out reaches everyone. Then again, they would probably still send the alerts out right in the middle of my favorite song.

The Pum-King of Beers

When I was growing up, cranberry was the mixable fruit of choice. You couldn't turn your head in the grocery store without seeing some new product that was half-cranberry/half another fruit which would never be near a cranberry in nature. It was in our cereal, it was in our drinks and it was in our bread. This saturation during my formative years is probably the main reason the only time I want cranberry now is when it is in canned, jelly form and under a nice layer of my mom's gravy. And I gotta tell you, I'm starting to feel that same way about pumpkins. I don't know when or why it happened, but suddenly everything around here has to be pumpkin-flavored. You see it in all sorts of pastries and breads, but it is especially prevalent in liquids. If you don't want to have pumpkin-flavored beer or coffee people look at you like your head is on backwards.

Craft beers are the worst - everyone has a pumpkin brew and the servers at the bar can't wait to tell you how delicious it is. First off, it's beer - it's not supposed to be delicious. If beer was delicious then everyone would drink it all the time and we would be a nation of alcoholics who never got anything done. Beer being a little bitter is the main reason why people stop drinking it after a while. That lack of bitterness is what makes those fruity concoctions you get on vacation so dangerous: you can't taste the liquor over the fruit juice cocktail and before you know it you've had three without being able to tell how much alcohol is in it and you are hammered. We should all thank God those things are hard to make. (The fact that it takes a lot of energy to pull out the blender versus the bottle opener is the only reason some of my former co-workers ever made it in on time.)

Anyway, everywhere I go people tell me I have to try the pumpkin beer. So, because of this peer pressure I decided to try one the other night when I went out for beers with friends. I went with the Pumking beer, as it was the most highly recommended. I should have known I was in trouble when it was $8. Any time a beer costs more at your local pub than it would in Gillette Stadium, you should be punching out almost immediately. Secondly, the waitress told me it would be a couple minutes because they had to go and get the special glasses. Oh joy. Because we all know how much I enjoy it when a beer has to come in a special glass. Turns out this special glass was essentially a giant brandy snifter. Besides just adding to the spill factor every time someone bumped my arm, I'm not really sure how my drinking experience was enhanced. I guess it was meant to help me smell the pumpkin flavoring, but I couldn't smell anything. I mean, I could barely taste it. But, I'll admit that I did feel kind of cool holding this thing. All that was missing was a monocle and someone to discuss our latest shipping agreements with India.

I have to say, when the best thing about your beer was the glass it was in and I didn't want to use that glass to begin with, that probably isn't a ringing endorsement. I feel like I gave this beer a legitimate shot, but at the end of the day I really didn't see what the big deal was. I didn't even taste pumpkin at all. I believe the best kind of flavored beers are the subtle ones, which give you a hint of flavor but don't get over-powering. But this was so subtle that if you hadn't told me what flavor I was supposed to be tasting I probably wouldn't have been able to guess it. So, I think that will be my first and last try with pumpkin beer. But, the good news is that in a few years I'm sure some new fruit or vegetable will come along and be the hip flavoring of the moment, becoming part of every other food in its sight. I'm sure there are already people working on it. (I vote we go with carrots. Think of how great everybody's night vision would be!)

Nowhere To Go

I feel like every town has a stretch of road that is always under construction. You know what I'm talking about: a construction crew has been working on the same three hundred feet for the last eight months, leaves it looking essentially the same, then takes time off to tease you with two weeks of traffic-free driving, only to show back up unannounced to begin fixing the next three hundred feet at the same break-neck pace, all of which puts the project on schedule to be complete around the time my nieces are learning to drive. This has been going on so long that you almost forget what it was like to pass through that area without seeing traffic cones and a cop on detail. I'm sure you all have your own stretch of road in mind. However, that issue is not the point of this post.

I have no problems driving through normal construction zones. I can slow down and merge from two lanes down to one with the best of them. The only thing I really hate driving through are the stretches of road where they have put up dueling jersey barriers on each side of a suddenly one-lane road. In the blink of an eye you go from driving on a normal road to being in the middle of the world's widest luge course. I think what I don't like is the fact that should something happen with the car in front of me I can't turn away from it, unless I feel like putting some serious dents into the side of my truck. This is why I could be driving a school bus and I still wouldn't use the HOV lane. It makes me very uncomfortable to know that I have no where to go. It puts a tremendous amount of trust in my fellow drivers and I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but most of you suck at driving.

But, at the very least I understand they are a necessary evil. The other night I was driving through one of these mini-luge courses when I saw a sign just about at the halfway point, sitting on top of the wall. It simply read, "No U-Turn". Oh, you think so, doctor? A motorcycle couldn't u-turn in the middle of one of these stretches of road. (I guess you could do it on a unicycle, but I wouldn't recommend it.) Once you have entered there is no going back - you are locked in and no amount of kicking and screaming is going to get you out early. It's the roadway equivalent of a gym membership.

Now, normally I am against unnecessary signage, but in this case I found it very amusing. I have to guess that the road crew had a good laugh putting that up. Do you think they waited and put that up so far into the barriers to point out the ridiculousness of the sign? It's nice to imagine that they have a sense of humor. Of course, the scary thought is that it may not be unnecessary. There are enough dings and paint scrapes on the sides of some of these barriers to make you think someone tried to bash their way through it. And you wonder why I don't want to be locked in behind some of the cars on the road.

It's That Time Again

So, we've reached the end of Daylight Savings Time. That means last night you turned your clocks back an hour before you went to bed and earned yourself an extra hour of sleep. Now, despite the obvious drawback of the sun going down at 3 in the afternoon, I think this is clearly the better time-shift. Not just for the extra sleep, but because when you roll the clocks back there is not nearly as much complaining about how tired or thrown off everyone is by the hour of sleep that they lose when the clocks spring forward. However, this day does also lead to a lot more people lying to themselves.

If you're anything like me, every time daylight savings ends, you wake up at roughly the same time the next morning on your internal clock. After all, your internal clock is fine, it's the outside clock that changed. But you forget about that and focus on how nice it is to wake up feeling refreshed and with an extra hour of the day ahead of you. So you make a vow right then and there to start going to bed earlier and waking up early every weekend. You'll get so much more done and be so much more productive, you tell yourself. Yeah, well, this lasts for about two days. Then some horrible movie on Showtime gets you in its grips, you stay up way too late, press the snooze button a couple extra times and you're back to your old ways. I'm very familiar with this, as I do it every year about this time. But, at least that first morning feels really good.

Weekly Sporties

-Last Friday there was a mini-mutiny on the Notre Dame football team as Coach Brian Kelly gave an interview and basically said that the problems against USC could be traced back to the players he inherited, not the ones he recruited. That raised quite a few eyebrows as roughly 90% of the starters are upperclassmen. Linebacker Manti Te'o, also known as the best player on the football team, Tweeted out, "I'm just going to play for my boys." This lead to the unusual situation of a head coach having to call a meeting to apologize to his own players. Now, I'm not going to use this space to criticize Coach Kelly, as his record against quality opponents will do that work for me. Instead, I want us to use this incident to officially bury the cliche that gets trotted out whenever there is a coaching change in college and the team starts off well, which is that the other guy is only winning because the he's using the last guy's players. First off, if the last guy's players were so great then the last guy wouldn't have gotten fired. Secondly, it's actually harder to win with the last guy's players as they are often used to playing in a different system. They are also used to playing for a coach with a different personality. And if you think that second part doesn't matter, ask Brian Kelly how it's working out for him so far.

-I admit, I am a sucker for any show that has miked-up athletes. I love to hear the trash-talk, probably because I was so very bad at it myself. Plus you get to see what people are really like, as they often forget they are miked. Anyway, this love of inside access is the main reason that while I'm not a huge NASCAR fan, I am a huge fan of "Inside NASCAR" on Showtime. Last week's episode had an all-time great moment. One of the drivers, Brian Vickers, was having an especially bad day at the office as he was involved in an unofficial tally of 8 cautions. One of the guys he wrecked out the race was limping off the track, but waited until Vickers came back around on the caution lap and promptly gave him a hard tap as he was passing by. Over the radio, Kurt Busch was heard to say, "Jees, no one has any sportsmanship out here." This from the same Kurt Busch who pushed the rules to the point he was close to failing pre-race inspection for so many consecutive weeks that NASCAR basically gave him a time-out before a race, just to piss him off? The same Kurt Busch that threw such a hissy fit at this penalty that every other driver on the track wanted to know where he was so they could avoid being near him, for fear he was about to do something stupid? The same Kurt Busch whose brother just got suspended for this weekend's race after running a a guy into the wall after the caution flag was out? That's the guy complaining about sportsmanship? That clinches it: race car drivers are the most hypocritical people on the planet.

-Speaking of hypocrisy: when the Big East started losing members such as Boston College and Miami to the ACC a few years ago, they imposed stiffer penalties for anyone who wanted to leave the conference in an effort to curb a mass exodus. Among them were huge cash buy-outs and clauses which said you had to remain in the conference for several years even after you announced your intention to switch. When Syracuse and Pittsburgh announced they were planning to leave earlier this year, the cash penalties were increased. Now West Virginia wants to leave and while they have no problems paying the larger fees to leave, they want to be able to do it before next season. As you would expect, this has lead to lawsuits between the school and the conference. Personally, I find this very amusing. Not that the Big East is in all this trouble because, at this point, I've given up caring about college conferences. I just find it really amusing the West Virginia agreed to all these clauses when they didn't apply to them, but now that they want to leave they find them ridiculous and illegal. It reminds me of an episode of a teen-drama where all the goth kids make a pact not to go to prom, only then the attractive goth gets asked to go and turns her back on the group. I told you, this conference re-alignment issue has more twists, turns and hurt feelings than your average episode of "90210".

-Count me among those really surprised that Cardinals Manager Tony La Russa retired on Monday, following the Cardinals World Series victory over the Texas Rangers. I know that La Russa is 67, he's probably getting to the point where he feels that if he doesn't get out now he's never getting out and you really can't leave the stage in a better fashion, but I just wonder what the heck he's going to do. He always struck me as a baseball lifer. I fully expect him to take a couple years off, discover that he's pretty bored with retirement and return to the bench. I just hope that if/when that happens he holds out for a good job, because there is nothing worse than seeing a once-great coach slumming it simply because he doesn't know what else to do with his life and the ownership is paying him a lot of money due to his past accomplishments. You won't ever see Phil Jackson coming back to coach a 15-win Kings team and I hope you never see Tony La Russa wearing a Marlins jersey.

- Speaking of baseball, Dodgers owner Frank McCourt finally gave up the fight this week, agreeing to sell the Dodgers. Personally, I'm actually annoyed that McCourt is going to run this once-proud franchise into the ground and still make a few hundred million dollars profit from his initial investment thanks to inflation and sports teams being the only thing around here increasing in value. Anyway, one of the first names on everybody's lips for new ownership was that of Maverick's owner Mark Cuban. Cuban has tried to buy the Cubs and the Rangers in the past and met with resistance from other baseball owners who see him as difficult to deal with, but you have to think this time would be different. He has no cash flow problems, his Mavericks just won an NBA title last year and he's exactly the kind of big personality that the Los Angeles crowd would love, immediately putting some juice back into the franchise. I know he can be a bit of a pain in the neck, but he would be great for baseball. As long as he makes the best offer, they should let him in.

-Cuban currently has the kind of time on his hands to run a professional baseball team, as the NBA lockout drags on. After looking so promising last week, all talks have been on hold for the last couple of days. In fact, things may be getting a little worse, as it appears there are cracks forming on both fronts. There are rumors that half the players want to settle and that half the owners agree, but some harder-line owners want to hold out for more and really crush the players union. Meanwhile there is talk of decertifying the players' union, which could very well undo any progress that has been made and really put the season in jeopardy. So, here's my solution: those that are ready for a deal should splinter off and make it happen on their own. Sure there won't be as many big-name players or as many teams, but that could actually be for the best. If there were no superstars then all teams would be closer in terms of competition and with fewer teams the regular season wouldn't be so long, which we all agree would be a good thing. Make it happen, boys.

-One of those hard-line NBA owners is ironically Michael Jordan, who was firmly on the other side of the aisle the last time the NBA had labor negotiations. This gives him unique knowledge of just how desperate the average players are to start getting paychecks again, so he's leading the charge to really swing the deal in ownership's favor. Anyway, because Jordan is currently dealing with his obligations as owner of the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats this week he had to give up his post as one of the assistant captains in golf's President's Cup, scheduled to start in a couple weeks in Australia. This leads to a fairly obvious question to me: why the hell was he an assistant captain to start with? Jordan is a pretty good golfer with a moderately-low handicap, but not to the point he was going to be giving any of these players golf advice. He was an assistant captain two years ago and while he didn't embarrass himself, I never heard anyone talk glowingly about him making the team better or coming up with some amazing strategy - it was pretty much seen as a way for Captain Fred Couples to get some sweet memorabilia. So, I doubt Jordan's absence should be seen a windfall for the International squad. If anything, at least now the American team's clothes won't all reek of cigar smoke the entire week.