I Saw This Coming...

For as much as I like to think of myself as very knowledgeable when it comes to sports, I'm actually only right about half the time when it comes down to picking the outcome of sporting events. There are just too many games with too many variables that I just can't know about, like whether the centerfielder is hung-over that afternoon. However, I have a much higher winning percentage when it comes to knowing which television shows are going to get cancelled. This is the week when several of the networks are announcing their line-ups for the falls and, much like the kids who only find out they didn't make the honor roll when their name isn't on the list at the front of class, several shows only discovered they won't be on next season when they weren't on the schedule. I have to tell you, I should be running a network, because I am really good at picking out the shows which are on their last legs. This isn't even a new talent. I knew years ago that really critically-acclaimed shows like "Freaks & Geeks" were never going to last. (My reasoning: if you weren't a freak or geek in high school than the show would have no appeal to you and if you were you are probably in no hurry to re-live those awful and awkward teenage years. That show was D.O.A.) Anyway, I'm sure a few of these show's staffs are sitting around today wondering why they have to update their resumes. As always, I'm here to help. Let me tell you why your show got cancelled (besides the obvious answer of it didn't get good ratings) and hopefully it will aid you in making wiser career choices going forwards.

-"Are you there, Chelsea?" This show was based on the best-selling books by comedian Chelsea Handler, even though Handler wasn't tapped to be the lead. That wouldn't normally be a problem, except she was still on the show every week, playing her sister and wearing a particularly bad wig (not sure if the wig was that bad on purpose for comedic effect or not). You know how when a movie is a remake the producers love to throw in a cameo by people from the original cast? Well, there is a reason those only last a few seconds, because after that it just gets weird. That is what happened here and it was happening every episode. Imagine if Hollywood decided to make a movie about Bruce Springsteen's life and they had Springsteen playing the role of Max Weinberg and you get the idea of how odd this was to watch. They either should have had Handler playing herself or not have her on the show at all. They tried to go halfway which never works.

-"CSI: Miami" Just yesterday I was talking about how people like to watch shows on their own schedule. Well, the CSI's have probably gone too far the other way, in that they have made themselves too accessible by being on TV way too much. At any moment you can take a spin around your cable dial and you will probably find at least one of them on. When people can watch a show without putting in any effort it takes away any urgency to catch the latest episodes, knowing they will be on a marathon on USA by this weekend. Also, just like with "Law & Order", there were too many CSIs. At some point even the fans started to lose track of which character was on which branch. Over-expansion can kill the product, just ask the pre-lockout NHL. So, either Miami or New York had to go and my guess is this is the most expensive to produce.

-"The Finder" I admit, this was the only show on this list that I actually enjoyed, which is why I blame this totally on the network. Because they are such a slave to "American Idol" Fox messes with their mid-week schedule way too much. New shows start in September, take October off for the baseball playoffs, then come back for a week or two before they start running reruns for the holidays and then miss January because "Idol" has to be on three nights when their season first gets started. Making it even worse, Fox then moved this show to Friday night, guaranteeing its audiences' median age would be in the mid-40s, which is not the target demographic. Honestly, even though it is better than the show it was spun off from ("Bones"), it never had a chance. I think if Fox had put this show in one time slot and stuck with the plan than it could have lasted more than one season.

-"Alcatraz" The problem this show had was not exclusive to it. What I mean by that is all these shows based on one premise (in this case criminals from the past coming to the present), no matter how good that idea might be, are always going to fail because the show gets stale way too quickly. This is a common thing you hear about these sci-fi dramas, which is ironic because you would think that if anyone could take a show in a random direction just to be different, it would be a sci-fi show. But, just like a funny sketch shouldn't be made into a movie, one great idea can't be stretched into a long-term show. [Sidebar: That is why I would tell the people working on next season's "666 Park Avenue" about a haunted high-rise to rent and not buy. Seriously, how many episodes before people get annoyed that the inhabitants haven't just moved out, already? That is my early leader in the clubhouse to be the first show cancelled next year.]

-"Fear Factor" Shocking that America wasn't in a hurry to watch a show they didn't watch the first time it was on. (Along those same lines, thank you to Fox for cancelling "Napoleon Dynamite" as that cartoon was about a decade too late.) The problem with this show is that since they are on a big network they can't go as far out as they probably have to if they want to shock people. Get the contestants to sign iron-clad waivers saying they can't sue no matter what happens, put this show on HBO, turn the chaos factor up to 11 and then you might have a hit show on your hands. Until that time, if you go to work on a show which was already cancelled once and they haven't changed or updated anything for the second go-round, don't be surprised when you find yourself looking for work every spring.