Row Your Boat..

On Saturday I went kayaking on the Charles River in Newton. Here are just a few of the thoughts I collected along the way...

-The first thing which struck me was the total lack of training I was giving before being set adrift on the Charles. Not that I am trying to make it sounds as though I was being asked to row across the Atlantic, but between the two people in my kayak we had a total of three previous kayak experiences and none of them came from my side of the boat. I guess I was expecting a quick tutorial on the rules and safety guidelines or some pointers on boating. Instead there was only a fake multiple-choice quiz sheet, the kind where one answer makes sense and the other is just a joke, except that in a couple of cases both answers made sense to me and it was never made clear which one was correct. After skimming that for all of two minutes I signed a waiver, was fitted for a life jacket and on the river. I guess as long as I did the waiver part the rest is a moot point for them.

-Because I am a guy, I am not one to let a little thing like having no knowledge of a situation get in the way of acting as though I do. So, when the 17 year-old kid was helping us into the kayak (something we'll get into more later), I was desperately trying to act like I was not a novice at this, for no other reason than trying to save my pride. But about four seconds in the kid had to point out to me that my paddle was upside down (who knew that was even possible?), which pretty much ended that farce. I have to say, it was rather liberating. I mean, once you hold the paddle wrong, which is like failing step 1 of a 20-step process, any pretense you are an expert has pretty much been blown away, so why try and hide it? It set an amazingly low bar. After that, as long as I didn't sink the kayak than my outing could be considered a success.

-We quickly encountered one of the key questions I had, which was how do we pass the other people on the river? There had to be some kind of code, right? Should we always try to be on their left, like on the road, or are we expected to pass on their starboard side? (That's right, I just dropped a nautical term on you. If they aren't going to make me sit through a class to earn a certificate than I'm going to assume it's ok to use sailor terminology from the jump and I've seen "Master & Commander" enough to fake it.) Turns out that it doesn't actually matter. Some people we passed on the right, others on the left. It all depended on which way we were currently facing and our ability to turn. The main thing is that you just don't ram them. That appears to be the only hard-and-fast rule out on the water, which I think is one policy we should all try to follow, even on land.

-Passing the other boats also brought up the question of whether or not you say hello to the other boaters. After all, I don't want to be rude. When I go hiking I have noticed that the people on the way up are in charge of initiating contact and the people travelling down the hill have the option to return the pleasantries. Still, kayaking is more of a solitary event, so maybe some boaters want to be left alone. That is why I ultimately came to the conclusion that when it comes to boats it has less to do with direction and more to do with proximity. If you are within 10 feet of them you at least have to give them the nod. Also, if they are stopped and just drifting along you have to make some kind of comment. Much like when on the golf course it can be as generic as something about the weather. The point is you made the effort.

-You could easily tell who owned their kayak versus who was just renting by the simple fact of who was wearing a life jacket. Apparently, life jackets are strictly for nerds and once you don't have to wear one to get your hands on a boat it is every man for themselves. I admit, the ill-fitting jacket with "Paddle Boston" written in magic marker on it was not the sexiest piece of clothing I have ever worn. So, I guess we were the nerds in this particular situation. Still, I had enough to worry about during this outing, it was nice not to have to add drowning to the list.

-Most of you probably know that I am a man who enjoys his sports accessories. There isn't an unnecessary piece of golfing equipment which does nothing but look good that I have not either purchased or considered purchasing. That being said, even I do not think I would buy what I saw this weekend: a canoeing glove. One of the people we passed was sitting in the back and had a singular glove on what I assume would be his top paddling hand. First off, wearing one glove should be reserved for golfers and Michael Jackson impersonators. Secondly, it was coordinated with the rest of his outfit. Normally I would applaud this, but I'm more concerned about why he felt it was necessary. If you are that worried about getting calluses on your precious hand I would suggest either taking up another sport of buying a motor.

-Along those same lines, I was not aware that there is a code among people who live on the Charles River which states they have to add some flair to their backyards, but apparently that is a real thing because we paddled passed a number of houses which had put sculptures along the water just for people on the river to enjoy. One house had a big turtle while another person had a fake iguana on a log (as if you can tell, as a fake iguana moves about as much as a real one). But the biggest sculptures were at the house which had a giant buffalo and Indian Chief, along with a cooler full of water for boaters to have, sitting on their dock. I was tempted to go over and grab one, but I had this sinking feeling the people who own this house are chatters and just waiting for people to get close enough. People love to tell me their life stories unprovoked when I am on land, I don't want to find out if that power is amplified when I am on water.

-There were a number of options to rent, from one or two person kayaks to big canoes and paddle boats. But one of the most popular rentals appears to be paddleboards. For those of you who have never seen them, they are essentially wider surfboards which people stand on and have one extra-long paddle, like the driver on a gondola. The activity is supposed to not only be fun but a tremendous workout. And, as true as that may be, even if I were desperate to try it I do not think I would do that on the Charles River. Most of the time when someone paddlesurfs for the first time they fall a lot and they often fall face-first. I would think that  if you knew you were going to be falling face-first into water you would not only want to be able to see what is in the water you are falling into, but also not worry about swallowing any of it. I thought about maybe renting a paddleboard the next time out... right until I saw three-fingers of a medical glove float passed me. Snapped me right back to reality and reminded me where I was.

-After a couple hours of kayaking around, we returned to the dock. Turns out that getting out of the kayak was the hardest part of the day. The 17 year-old had taught us the technique for getting in: sit down on the dock next to your seat and lay the paddle behind you, half on the dock and half on the kayak, with your hands spread evenly to both sides. Then put your feet in the boat and lift yourself up, keeping equal pressure on both hands so you aren't leaning on the dock or the boat and simply swing your butt into the seat. Sounds easy enough and I got in with few issues. Now, getting out should be as simple as reversing the process. However, after a couple hours of kayaking around, my arms were in no mood to lift my ass out of the boat. I eventually managed to get out, but it was far from graceful. Basically, for a minute I was forced to flop around like a turtle on its back. I'm beginning to wonder if that is really the best way to get in and out of a kayak or if that is just something the people working there like to tell renters to make them look like an idiot. Gotta break up the day somehow, right?

-Despite all that other stuff, kayaking is about one central theme: DON'T TIP OVER! It is never far from your mind. It is even part of your pre-kayaking routine as you pack towels, zip-loc baggies for your cellphone and wallet as well as extra clothes just in case you do tip over. You are afraid to scratch the itch on your leg because the shift could make you tip. The fear is always there. Jerry Seinfeld used to have a famous bit about scuba-diving where he said the standard of a good trip was whether or not you died. If you lived, it was a good day scuba-diving. Kayaking is kind of the same thing - did you tip over? No? Then it was a good day. Well, I had a good day kayaking and I would definitely do it again.