Closing Ceremony Ramblings

They come with far less pomp and a very dialed-down tone when compared to the Opening Ceremonies, but I still like the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics just as much as the opening ones. So, last night I settled in to watch as the London Games came to a close and made some snarky observations along the way. Again, I collected them for this space so as to not clog Twitter with jokes that would appear to be on tape-delay...

-I learned my lesson from the Opening Ceremonies and therefore wasn't expecting NBC to start showing the Closing Ceremonies right at 7 PM as the menu on my cable box said they would. I was right, as instead NBC decided to show a retrospective of the best moments of the games (like a cheat-sheet for anyone who hadn't been watching). Still, I didn't think they would make me wait as long as they did, so as the clock rolled passed 8 PM my annoyance with NBC just kept growing. Fortunately I was not the only one pissed with the choices NBC was making, because Al Michaels looked thoroughly unimpressed at having to share a stage with Ryan Seacrest. By the end of the night I think we all felt that way.

-I actually got tired of waiting and started flipping around, so by the time I remembered to check back in the the festivities had been going on for about 10 minutes and One Direction were rolling around the stadium on a flatbed. The producers had said the Closing Ceremonies would be a tribute to English music and I had been worried that they would cave to some poll demanding they appeal to a younger audience, thus letting the most popular music of the day close the games, so seeing One Direction early on eased some of my fears. Not all of them, but some.

-Now it was time for the athletes to wander in. Unlike the Opening Ceremonies the countries aren't announced, they just sort of show up. (You can tell how important these closing remarks are by the fact that many athletes choose to skip the show altogether.) Allegedly the organizers like to do it this way because it is meant to bring all the nations together in a show of unity. However, it sure looked to me like most of the athletes were sticking to their own country-mates. So much for that thought. At least it saved time.

-I actually love to watch this part, because everyone knows that the Olympic Village is just a place for attractive people to hook up with other attractive people. (There was a report during the games that the Village was going through a record number of condoms.) So, the Closing Ceremonies is a little like the last night of summer camp, where everyone swears they will exchange email addresses and keep in touch, even though most have a significant other waiting back home they haven't told the other person about yet. Watching some of these couple interact is a lesson in awkward. As you can imagine, I take tremendous glee in it.

-After a children's choir started the song "Imagine", they cut to a tape of John Lennon singing the rest of the song, which was probably for the best. No kid choir was topping the original. However, George Michael came out to sing next and I think we would have all been better off if he had been on tape. They were followed by a cover band trying to be The Who which thoroughly confused me, as the real Who were expected to perform later in the show. This should have been my first hint that NBC was going to royally screw up the ending of this.

-Next there was a video collage of David Bowie through the years and also how much his music had evolved over time. I think the video would have been a great introduction to a Bowie performance, except the video was the whole thing. Apparently, the producers just wanted to remind us that David Bowie exists.

-Then came some weird fashion show exhibit in which flatbed trucks rolled up with glamour shots of models, then the pictures rolled away to reveal the actual models and they walked to the center. I can only assume Kate Moss thought this was some kind of intense psychedelic trip from whatever drug she was on at the time. At this point Ryan Seacrest told us the theme of the night was fashion. Funny, I would have thought, "Hey, the Olympics are ending" would have been enough of a theme. NBC is getting a heap of well-deserved grief this morning for cutting a lot of material to make the Closing Ceremonies fit into a schedule that only they cared about sticking to. They could have cut this part and no one would have complained.

-The next segment featured Annie Lenox. I don't know why, either. She was on some kind of pirate ship, but that didn't appear to have anything to do with the song she was singing. This also went on for way too long. It was followed by a group comprised of Pink Floyd's drummer, the bassist from Mike & The Mechanics and the guitarist from Genesis (which I nicknamed "The Availables") performing "Wish You Were Here". In the middle of the song they had a shot of a man on a highwire to recreate an album cover. Whatever - it's Pink Floyd music, it's supposed to be strange.

-By now I was really under-whelmed by the Closing Ceremony experience, which I had been looking forward to because I love so much of the music the UK produces. The good news is that to rescue the show the producers brought out their ace-in-the-hole, the musical genius: Russell Brand. Seriously? Look, he lip-synced better than most as he 'sang' "Pure Imagination" but I think his act is well-passed wearing thin. If the man who directed "Willy Wonka" hadn't died a few days ago this would have killed him.

-Next came Fat Boy Slim, wearing a fairly ugly shirt and who I tweeted at the time looked like he was a dorky dad trying to spice up his 15 year-old's first co-ed birthday party. He was re-mixing some hits of today, including one from a woman who I had never heard of (and who name I still haven't caught). That's ok though, because it is not like they brought her back to sing the legendary rock band Queen's most famous anthem. Oh wait, they totally did.

-During the show the director kept cutting to shots of athletes in the pack and every one looked thrilled to be on camera. However, none appeared to be paying particular attention to the show at all. The people who looked the happiest were the volunteers forming the human chain for crowd control, each of whom had a lightbulb on their hat (I'm going to assume that was explained in the opening 10 minutes I missed). I know being able to say you were part of an Olympic Closing Ceremony is one for the bucket list, but I'm not sure it is worth losing that much dignity.

-At this point the Spice Girls came out to perform. Ryan Seacrest said their reunion was "One of the worst-kept secrets at the Olympics." Well, Ryan, that's because people tend to only keep secrets when the subject matter is important. No one feels that a pop group with about 3 famous songs reuniting for the first time since 2008 is worth the effort of keeping to themselves. Still, that last number caught my attention. Can a musical act truly 'reunite' if the last time they were together was the last time there was a Summer Olympics? Lots of bands don't put out new albums for that long and you don't seem them on reunion tours. We can't miss you if you never leave.

-Finally the two things I had complained from the Opening Ceremonies were fixed, as first Oasis (or what is left of it, technically a group named Beady Eye) performed and then Eric Idle came out to sing "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life." I was wondering how you could have an Olympics in the UK and not mention Monty Python even once. Also, kudos for the producers for letting Idle swear and forcing censors to bleep it. I'd rather hear that than some clean-for-TV lyric. Lastly, due to one cutaway were learned a very valuable piece of information for the future: Prince Harry can't whistle for shit.

-We had come to the part where the official Olympic flag is lowered and transferred to the Mayor of the next host city, Rio de Jeneiro. First they played the Olympic Anthem, then the National Anthem of Brazil. Do I need to tell you which one of those was the peppier tune?

-Rio was then required to give us a preview of what to expect in 2016. Their presentation included lots of dancing, bright colors, a mini-carnival, something which appeared to be giant cardboard versions of those cubes girls would make in junior high where you would pick a number and color then peel back the flap and it would tell you who you would marry and an appearance by Pele. It was visually impressive but the audio sucked. They had better fix that by 2016.

-The last act of the night was Take That (which would be like having the New Kids on the Block close the Boston Olympics), who didn't have Robbie Williams with them, which means I didn't care. They sang as the torch was extinguished. I used to think that was a bigger deal, but now that I am older I understand it just means someone underneath the place turns off the gas. Honestly, there has to be a more theatrical way of doing that.

-At this point Ryan Seacrest informed us that they would be taking a little break and then would come back in an hour with The Who and the rest of the show. In the interim, NBC would be showing us an episode of their new show "Animal Practice" followed by the news. Are you kidding me, NBC? You're pausing the Olympics to show a stupid show about an animal hospital, where a monkey is a doctor and everyone pretends that is normal? They did this same move with the Vancouver games to show us an episode of Jerry Seinfeld's horrible idea called "The Marriage Ref" (don't worry if you never watched that show, because no one did). For the last couple of weeks NBC has been skewered for their tape-delayed coverage of the most important events and the network has been defiant in the face of criticism. I'd been willing to let them slide, but to me this was basically antagonizing their last defenders. I went from being ambivalent about this new show to opening rooting for it to fail. I was so annoyed that I didn't watch the episode and I didn't come back for the rest of the concert. I can only hope that between now and the Rio Games someone steps in and steals NBC's Olympic contract because if this is the level of coverage I can expect from them I'm just going to spend the next four years looking for a place to watch online.