Weekly Sporties

-Last night came the stunning news that the Red Sox and Dodgers had completed a blockbuster waiver-wire trade, sending Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, Josh Beckett and Nick Punto to the Dodgers for James Loney and prospects. I'm not surprised about Beckett being dealt and even though Crawford was only here for a year I think both sides could already tell it wasn't working. But, the inclusion of Gonzalez stunned me because I thought he was going to be the face of the franchise going forward. Early in the week a report had surfaced saying that last week's news that several Red Sox players had a heated meeting with ownership about manager Bobby Valentine which included a text from Gonzalez was not accurate, because while the text had come from Adrian's phone, it had been written by catcher Kelly Shoppach who had recently been traded to the Mets (how convenient). This counter-report had led me to believe Gonzalez was being shielded by ownership and that he was going to be here for a long time. Apparently that was wrong and Valentine is the one who will be sticking around. Still, the reason this move really shocked me is because it is the first time in years that the Red Sox have openly admitted that this season isn't going anywhere. (I'll be fascinated to see how much longer the front office keep up the farce of having a sell-out streak.) Normally they would make some kind of minor deal to pretend they still have a shot at the playoffs. Instead, this year they are waving the white flag and just dumping salary. (So, this is what it's like to be a Royals fan. Wonder if we'll get their ticket prices, too. I doubt it.) Hopefully the down season will at least have the positive result of thinning out the pink-hats and bandwagon fans going forward. I think that is one trade Red Sox fans would be thrilled about.

-When the United States Anti-Doping Agency announced they were bringing charges against Lance Armstrong, I voiced my opinion that I was officially tired of that story and that I was done talking about cycling until Armstrong was actually convicted of something, which I didn't think was ever going to happen. So, you can imagine my surprise when on Thursday night Armstrong dropped his appeal and allowed the USADA to strip him of his 7 Tour de France titles and ban him from cycling for life. The penalties themselves are meaningless because Armstrong wasn't competing anymore to begin with and, in a fit of delicious irony, every single one of Armstrong's Tour titles would be going to someone who is fighting their own doping allegations. Actually, my main feeling to come out of this thing was disappointment. Not that Armstrong cheated, because at this point I assume every cyclist is a cheater. My disappointment is in the douchey way he admitted it. Or should I say didn't admit it as much as tried to act like a martyr by saying that he was allowing them to ban him because he was tired of fighting the USADA's witch hunt. Talk about an underwhelming confession. If Armstrong really was innocent than he should know innocent men don't let themselves be convicted of crimes they didn't commit. Lance says he's tired of fighting. This is a man who beat cancer after it had spread almost all over his body - he doesn't strike me as the quitting type. That leaves me with the conclusion he knew they had damning evidence and he didn't want it to become public. Honestly, if you finally got caught and couldn't live with the lies anymore that is one thing, but to act like you're doing the world a favor by falling on your sword is completely another. But the good news is that now we really can go back to ignoring cycling in all forms, forever.

-Lance could probably gleam some inspiration from the way Melky Cabrera tried to go about fighting his failed drug test. Facing a 50-game suspension for having unusually high testosterone levels, Cabrera told MLB that he must have accidentally taken some over-the-counter medication which boosted his levels and caused the positive result. When investigators looked into the product Cabrera said he took they found a website based in the Dominican Republic and ordered the substance to check it out. While waiting, they did some more digging and discovered the website for that product was owned by an associate of Melky's and the product wasn't being advertised on that site until after Cabrera tested positive. Basically, these two were trying to invent evidence to make Cabrera look innocent and instead he looks even guiltier than before. It turns out they even had enough forethought to buy existing websites because they assumed MLB would get suspicious if the website was brand-new. This was not some half-assed attempt at the last second. I know it didn't work because they got caught and now Cabrera's associate has been banned from baseball (he works for Cabrera's agents and claims he acted alone the entire time. If you believe that I have some Dominican testosterone cream to sell you) and Melky is looking at an increased suspension, but despite all that I have to admit their grand scheming ways are kind of admirable. Everyone who gets caught taking steroids claims it was an accident, but these guys really went the extra mile to try and convince people that was true. Just be happy these guys went into baseball and not internet scams.

-One more steroid-related story. This week Roger Clemens announced he was coming back to pitch one game for the Sugar Land Skeeters, an independent team in Texas. At first no one could figure out why Clemens was doing this now when he hasn't pitched in almost five years. Certainly, he doesn't need the money. However, Roger's motives may have become slightly clearer when scouts for the Astros came to watch him workout. That was when the rumors started flying that Clemens was trying to talk the Astros into letting him make an appearance to re-set his Hall of Fame clock back to zero. You see, players have to be retired for five years to be eligible for the Hall and if they so much as pitch one inning, the clock starts over. (Because they have literally nothing good happening for them this season, the Astros are reportedly considering it.) The thinking is that Roger doesn't want to be up for election this year, as it is also the first time Barry Bonds will be coming up for consideration and Clemens thinks the two will be grouped together as users and ignored by voters. Apparently he is hoping that allowing memories to fade for five more years will get him into the Hall. I have bad news for Clemens - it isn't going to work. He can reset the clock all he wants, but he isn't getting in unless there is a massive change in the thinking of baseball writers and five years is not going to be enough time for that kind of shift to take place. Roger may as well schedule his 2014 start for the Astros now, because if he doesn't want to be eligible until he thinks he will get into the Hall on the first try, he is going to have a long wait ahead of him.

-A couple weeks ago, the St. Louis Rams very quietly backed out of their agreement to play one game a year in London during the next four yeas. Some people are saying the Rams simply don't want to upset their fans by taking away those home games, but others are saying it is because the Rams are eyeing a move to Los Angeles in the near future and traveling from LA to London every season would be too much of a hassle. At first I was fine with this because I continue to believe there is no reason to waste an NFL regular season game on an English crowd which clearly doesn't want it. But have no fear, imaginary European NFL fans, the NFL doesn't plan to leave you high and dry - the Jacksonville Jaguars are stepping up and taking over the Rams' commitment to building a fanbase overseas. While skeptical at first, while thinking about it I came around and now love this plan for everyone involved. First off, if there was ever a team which could use one fewer home game, it is the Jaguars. They can't sell out the stadium as is, so maybe only having 7 games a year will be the trick - make it a hard ticket to get, because scarcity leads to desire. Also, Jacksonville fans should take comfort because while they may be losing one home game a season, the Jaguars had been long rumored to be the team going to LA, so this means at least you will probably keep the franchise. But, mostly I think this is good for people like me who oppose the NFL in Europe. Because if anyone is going to kill the will of ex-pats to flood the city for a chance to see American football, it will the historically inept Jaguars. Honestly, after 4 years of being subjected to such horrible football, England probably won't let Roger Goodell into the country.

-While we're on the subject of franchises potentially moving, this week there was an odd rumor on the web which contended that Virginia Beach was making a serious push to be the new home of the Sacramento Kings. The Kings have had problems with the current stadium deal for a couple of years and while it looked for a while that it had been resolved enough for the team to remain in California, recently team owners made it be known they were still open to hearing from locations who might be able to support the franchise. Now, the first place most people penciled them in for was Seattle, because the NBA seriously owes that city for the way they let the Sonics leave. Also, you heard Buffalo and Kansas City, both of which used to have NBA teams (Kansas City actually had the Kings from 1972-1985). But this Virginia Beach rumor seemed to come out of the blue. Now, I've never been to Virginia Beach and I'm sure it is lovely. That being said, I can't imagine the NBA would let a team move there. First off, they are way too close to both the Wizards and the Bobcats, two teams which do not need any more competition for fans. Secondly, it's not that big of a media market. I know the people in that area will point to the fact that Oklahoma City isn't a large media market and they do just fun. Also, any pro team in Virginia would get wonderful support because they would be the only game in town. I would counter-argue that the Kings are the only thing to do in Sacramento and they apparently can't get out of there fast enough and while the NBA may like the way Oklahoma supports the Thunder, they don't want their next TV contracts to be built around several small media markets. I won't be surprised if the Kings aren't in California within a couple years, but I will be really surprised if those moving trucks are headed to Virginia Beach when they leave.

-I've never understood why the Augusta National golf club gets so much flack for not having any women members. Honestly, there are tons of ladies-only gyms across the country and no one says a word, so why was the membership policy of one privately-funded country club a national news story every single year? Of course I thought they should have female members, but I also didn't think people should be going to court to try and force them to change their ways. Honestly, outside of the yearly Masters Tournament, who really cares about that place? Well, whatever the fascination with it, everyone can move on to the next cause, because on Monday the club announced that it has invited two women to join. Financier Darla Moore and former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice were invited to join starting in October and both of them accepted. (Still no word on when the club plans to have the first member who is a registered Democrat.) First off, you can tell the club wanted to get this over with because they are notoriously tight about the people that make up their membership roster and they yet in this instance they put out a press release to spread the news. But, I also like the fact that they brought in two women at the same time, because now no one has to carry the mantle of "first female member". The good news is that now that this has been settled we can get back to the important issue surrounding Augusta National - forcing them to expand the amount of coverage the networks are allowed to show each year. If we're going to complain about something a private club is doing, we should at least complain about something which is going to benefit us all.