I See Dead People

I'll start off by saying that I don't believe in ghosts. I'll concede that there are some things in this world which can't be explained by science, but I don't necessarily believe those incidents represent the un-dead trying to communicate with us. Honestly, if ghosts were a real thing, considering the number of people who have come and gone from this world, shouldn't that have resulted in a lot more people who have left this life with unfinished business and thus need to let someone know about it? By sheer volume alone we should all be haunted all the time and, frankly, the numbers just don't add up. I'll tell you what I do believe: part of the reason people have trouble believing ghost stories is the often because of the people doing the telling. They just don't make for incredibly credible witnesses. If you've ever noticed, the people with a ghost story to share all seem to be the same personality flaw and by that I mean they are drama queens. On top of that they seem like the sort of storytellers who feel the need to embellish the details. It can't just be that the light blew out, it has to be that there was as ghost chasing them and messed with their electricity. I guess that is why the promo I saw for a new show entitled "Celebrity Ghost Stories" was inevitable.

First off, like all reality shows which claim to feature stars, the producers are being very liberal with the term 'celebrity'. I understand that when TV shows first started floating the idea of a 'celebrity week' it was all very exciting. It was a chance for America to see their favorite sitcom stars in a new light and gave the network ample chanced for cross-promotions. However, at this point the only people who show up on 'celebrity' game shows are former reality-show contestants and actors who are forced to identify themselves by a role on a show which was cancelled 25 years ago because they haven't done anything since. They are all people the American public decided we had had enough of, yet they keep showing up. The problem is that these days real stars don't need the money and thus they stay home. So, rather than scrap the premise, we get these guys. I understand that fame is probably intoxicating, but I just don't think I could have low enough pride to keep doing that to myself. The promos for this new celebrity ghost show often start by will start by telling you who the person is and what they are famous for. That should tell you just about all you need to know. I have a theory about levels of stardom: if you have to tell people what you do, then you aren't famous. The athlete equivalent of this is whether or not you need to wear your uniform in your advertisements. If people don't know what sport you play unless they see you in gear then you are not a famous athlete. This is why Dale Earnhardt Jr can appear in street clothes but Ryan Lochte is always filmed in a pool.

But, back to the actors. Allow me to put this another way: when you have time to appear in your own reenactment for the Biography channel, you are not a celebrity. You know those sequences (usually in black and white), which are supposed to give you a visual idea of a past event? That stuff is usually done by low-level actors. (Hell, even the people on "I Survived" have enough pride to let someone appear in those shots.) Nope, on this show the 'celebrities' do it themselves. With that low standard in mind I guess it is hardly surprising that the promos I have seen appear to feature all the usual 'celebrity' game show suspects. (Coolio, Dean Cain and Tiffany, along with a few children of celebrities. At this point I am just waiting for a Baldwin brother.) If you are trying to convince me that ghosts are real, using that girl who occasionally appears on "Sons of Anarchy" is not going to do the trick. It just seems too convenient that ghosts, who could haunt anyone in the world, choose to come after the exact same group of people who were previously trying to get hired by Donald Trump on the celebrity version of "The Apprentice" before attempting to figure out who the "Celebrity Mole" was and who are now trying to find love on a dating show. It is the same reason I find it odd that aliens only seem to go after rednecks who live in the middle of nowhere.

A couple months ago I wrote a post about how the reason I didn't think Shaquille O'Neal (another guy who is just a few years away from doing his own stints on celebrity reality shows which will be even sadder when it happens because he won't need the money, just the attention) made an effective Buick spokesperson was because I don't believe he ever drove a Buick and that in the world of endorsements even the tiniest bit of credibility goes a long way. The same thing applies in this situation. For all I know these are completely fake stories just being made up by actors in desperate need of a paycheck. I admit that I am disinclined to believe ghost stories to begin with, but even if I wanted to think they were true I would be more open to believe them if they were coming from an unknown person versus someone who I can't help but feel is desperately trying to extend their 15 minutes for a few seconds more. With that in mind the last bit of advice I would give to the producers of this show is this: if you insist on sticking with the celebrity premise and even if a D or F-list celebrity has a real ghost story, you should try to have better, more famous actors tell them. It may cost you a little more money, but it is worth it. Remember, your current storytellers were available for a reason. As currently formatted, the only thing I think is dead on "Celebrity Ghost Stories" is that person's career.