Stop... Thief?

The other day I glanced out the window to see a car stopped at the end of my driveway. I thought nothing of it and assumed the driver was visiting one of my neighbors, as their guests frequently park in that spot. But after a second I notice the driver had gotten out and was looking at something at the end of my driveway. Since it was the same kind of car my landscaper normally drives I thought it was him, checking to see if the thorn bushes his guys were supposed to take out had died. (In case he is reading this, they aren't because your guys just cut them and did not pull out the roots. Feel free to come back and finish the job.) But a second look from where I was sitting revealed that it wasn't him - it was some guy I didn't even know. Immediately, my Spidey sense began tingling in that way it always does when there are strange people hanging out near me. Then, things got even stranger. The man went back to his car, grabbed a plastic bag and returned to where he had been standing. I saw him pick at the ground with his hands, pausing only to glance up at the house every now and again in a way which immediately made me suspicious of his motives. I was about to go down and ask him what he was up to but before I got to the door he toss the now-half-full bag into his car and drove away.

Curiosity peaked, I started heading down the driveway to see what he was so interested in with my mind racing the entire time. At first I tried to talk myself into the fact that he was a concerned citizen. Those thorn bushes can get rather long and close to the sidewalk and maybe he was concerned someone would snag themselves walking by. (By this point I was convinced I had seen him before.) Or maybe he had been walking his dog and the dog had gone the bathroom and he hadn't had a bag with him and he felt bad about it so he returned later to clean it up. But before too long my mind started to turn to more devious thoughts, as I started to wonder if he was taking something, even if I couldn't imagine what could possibly be there that was worth stealing. As I got to the bottom of my driveway I started looking in the area and discovered what he had actually been doing in the yard - collecting mushrooms. After having a tree cut down in that corner of the yard last summer a group of mushrooms had started to grow on the remaining stump. Since there is no lawn on that section of yard I had literally paid no attention to it since that time. But this guy had collected all the mushrooms from the stump and the surrounding dirt.

I have to admit, I had not seen that one coming. I don't like to eat mushrooms of any kind so I have a very limited knowledge about them. In fact, here's pretty much all I know about the fungus - they are very helpful in Super Mario Brothers and you really shouldn't eat random ones you find in the woods. Again, at first I tried to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he knows a lot about mushrooms and knows these particular kind are really bad for people to eat and he was afraid some neighborhood dog was going to wander over and give them a try. I don't know what the law is regarding someone's pet eating harmful crops you never planted growing near the street, but it wouldn't surprise me to know you could get sued for that sort of thing, so there was the possibility this guy just did me a favor. The problem is that people rarely do total stranger a favor without letting them know how much a favor they just did. Plus, the fact that he didn't knock on the door and ask me if he could have them screams of doing something shady. I know some mushrooms are expensive (especially the psychedelic ones) and how do I know that wasn't growing in the corner of the yard without me knowing about it? It's not like I would have sold them myself, it is just the principle of the thing.

If nothing else, this confirmed my suspicion I had seen the man before because he had to have previously seen the mushrooms and decided to come back for them. I simply can't imagine this guy was driving around randomly looking for mushrooms in people's yards and decided my street was worth a look. So I'm left wondering if this guy was being a Good Samaritan or did something I didn't know I had which was valuable just get stolen from me? The whole experience has left me with a strange feeling, like when you sell someone a used item from your house and they are way too eager to agree to your price - you can't help but wonder if you just sold an item of great value for practically nothing or the buyer doesn't know how to haggle. What I'm going to do now is wait until spring when they grow back and see if the man returns. If he come around again I'm certainly going to say something this time, because not knowing what he was up to is driving me crazy. And unless he claims he is a plumber who needs the mushroom to help save a princess than he better be ready to pay up.

Back To Normal

This morning I awoke to a few inches of fresh snow on the ground. This was hardly a surprise - it had snowed for most of Saturday afternoon and was snowing when I went to bed. The only question remaining was how much snow would greet me when I got up this morning. Turns out I got around 5 inches of snow, which is an annoying amount. Anything less than 4 I can ignore and drive over, anything more that 6 I have to clear away or a car can't make it up the hill. At 5 inches you could go either way. Unfortunately I was afraid it was going to start to melt and ice over, so I ultimately broke out the snowblower for the first time since January. (Had really hoped to make it a full calendar year without having to gas it up.) Still I will admit I was pretty lucky. Some areas of Massachusetts got closer to a foot of snow, so even though the roughly 5 inches of snow this area got was kind of heavy due to the precipitation briefly changing over to rain before going back to snow, I can still safely say we did better than most. Honestly the driveway was clear in about and hour and once that is done it doesn't really matter how much snow is on the lawn, because it is not like that is a high-traffic area this time of year anyway.

Normally a little snow wouldn't be enough to blog about, but the thing which caught my eye was how many people seemed surprised by the snow totals. Every news station I turned on was reporting on location as if this was Hurricane Sandy all over again, instead of a natural occurrence which is just part of the way things are around here. (Maybe these reports are aimed at the same people who have to buy new shovels every year.) I'm starting to think a couple of light winters had made everyone forget that this is what normally happens in this part of the country at this time of year. Well, allow me to be the bearer of bad news: this is probably going to happen again in the very near future. It's kind of the way things normally work, we just got off easy for a year or two. In fact, this was probably just a warning shot. If the last couple of years of 'superstorms' have taught me anything it is that while we may not get as many storms as we used to, the ones we do get try to make up the difference. Remember, Mother Nature is always just waiting for you to let your guard down.

Weekly Sporties

-The last time Sacramento Kings forward DeMarcus Cousins was mentioned on this blog was when he had been feuding with head coach Paul Westphal and the Kings has sided with Cousins by firing Westphal. Well, it appears a pattern has begun to emerge because early this week there was a report that Cousins was now fighting with his new head coach, Keith Smart. Apparently, the two got into it during halftime of a game against the Clippers and it was so heated that Smart told Cousins to forget the second half of the game and to stay in the locker room. The next day the Kings suspended Cousins 'indefinitely' for conduct detrimental to the team. Some people thought this was exactly what Cousins needed to snap him into shape because he clearly has NBA talent but an NBDL level of maturity. Well, if those people thought what Cousins needed was time to think about what he had done they will be severely disappointed, because it turns out to the Sacramento Kings, 'indefinitely' means one game. Now, Smart says he is a fan of Cousins and thinks the two of them can work out their differences, but if I were him I would think about renting instead of buying. The thing is I just don't see why the Kings are so loyal to Cousins. Yes, he averages 18 points and 10 rebounds a game. But despite this production the Kings haven't come close to even making the playoffs in either of the years Cousins has been with the franchise. Surely, you can get that kind of production with fewer headaches from another player. I know the NBA is a players league, but shouldn't that only apply to players who are worth something? I understand that it is easier to fire a coach than trade a player but at some point you have to stop letting the inmates run the asylum, even if that does explain why the Kings haven't been competitive for several years.

-The good news for Cousins is that he didn't stay as the face of NBA malcontents for very long, because a couple days after Brooklyn Nets point guard Deron Williams complained about how he was being used in head coach Avery Johnson's offense and the Nets were blown out on national television, Johnson was fired. Now, the Nets were 14-14 at the time of Johnson's firing and after spending a lot of money this offseason to rebrand themselves in their new home in Brooklyn the Nets had high expectations, so you could argue that Johnson did not do enough to keep his job. However, he was coach of the month in November as the team started out 11-4 so there is evidence that Johnson's team was simply going through a rough patch and he had the skills to turn the team around. Clearly, there had to be more to the story for him to get relieved of his duties and a lot of people believe Williams, who had a lot of influence in who the team signed this offseason, was the one who wanted Avery gone. On top of that it was Williams who famously feuded with Jerry Sloan while the two were still in Utah and the whispers have long pointed the finger at Williams as the reason Sloan retired after coaching in Utah for longer than most of his players had been alive. As they say once is an accident, twice is evidence. What I don't get is that, like Cousins, Williams hasn't actually ever done anything to warrant this type of power. He has always been the proverbial 'good player on a terrible team' but has never taken his team deep into the playoffs. He started off his career with a bang and for a while was running neck-and-neck with Chris Paul in a battle for the title of NBA's best point guard, but I don't see anyone adding him to that discussion anymore. I understand that players perform better if they actually like their coach, but I'm not convince that Williams is capable of taking the Nets anywhere even if he is playing at his best.

-As you would expect when there is a coaching job open in a major market and that team's owner has more money than he knows what to do with, Phil Jackson's name has surfaced as the primary coaching candidate for the Nets. What this really means is that the Nets are willing pay him whatever he wants, provided he actually wants the job. For a variety of reasons I don't expect him to take it. First off, Jackson has as big an ego as any player he has ever coached - he has to be the main attraction. I can't see him agreeing to go to the Nets who, despite their best efforts, are still second-fiddle to the Knicks. (Ironically, since he used to play for the Knicks I could have seen him taking that job even though it doesn't mean the rest of his standards.) Secondly, the Nets roster is in shambles right now. Joe Johnson is an ok player but will never be confused with an all-timer and I think I made my feelings known about Deron Williams in the last paragraph. Beyond that they have a lot of nice players but no one you would kill to have on your roster. Jackson tends to pick his spots and those spots always feature the best player on the planet. Unless the Nets think his presence will be the thing which gets Dwight Howard to come to Brooklyn as a free agent, I feel like Jackson is the wrong coach for them at this time. The other name which has come up is Jeff Van Gundy. I think they are in the right family, but have the wrong Van Gundy. To me Stan Van Gundy makes more sense because he coaches a motion offense which would suit the players the Nets currently have. I know it would end any talk of Howard in Brooklyn, but I'm not convinced that is happening anyway. The Nets need to get themselves pointed back in the right direction or they are never going to be a free agent destination, I don't care how many rappers they have sitting courtside.

-Last week I mentioned the mess that is the New York Jets quarterback situation, specifically the ineffective Mark Sanchez being benched and the coaches deciding to skip over the much-hyped Tim Tebow in favor of third-stringer Greg McElroy. What we (allegedly) learned this week is that after McElroy got the starting job Tebow asked out of the wildcat offense, which was pretty much the only way he got onto the field. For his part Tebow denies saying he didn't want to run the wildcat anymore, but there is no denying the fact that the Jets still ran it, only with wide receiver Jeremy Kerley filling that slot instead. This is bad for Tebow because while everyone had questioned his ability to play quarterback at an elite level, no one questioned his character. This is the first crack in his armor, however minor it may be. After all, you don't get to this level without having some ego and belief if your abilities and Tebow is not exempt from that. The good news for Tim is that it hasn't turned the entire NFL against him because it is being reported that if (when) he gets released from the Jets he will have an offer to join the Jacksonville Jaguars. Now you may remember that last year Tebow was given the choice by the Broncos of the Jets or the Jags and he picked the Jets because he thought it would give him a better chance to play. Well, a year later things are very different and I'm pretty sure Tim will be happy just to have any NFL job, let alone one which will let him return to the state of Florida, where he is still a god. (I'm going to go on record right now as saying Tebow's Jaguars jersey is the highest selling next season.) I'm not sure it makes the Jaguars any better, but it will at least make them more interesting. Considering they have won 7 games in two seasons they will take just about anything to get people talking about them.

-A couple of months ago I mentioned that the NFL had voided currently suspended New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton's contract due to some langue regarding his ability to opt out of the deal should his general manager get fired or suspended. This essentially made Payton a free agent when the suspension was lifted and teams started lining up at the thought of it. There were several teams which were ready to drop coaches who wouldn't normally be in danger of getting fired once their owners thought they had a chance to upgrade. Well, a few of those NFL hot seats cooled considerably yesterday as Payton signed a 5-year extension to remain in New Orleans. (I had wondered what would happen if interim coach Joe Vitt had guided the Saints to the playoffs but unfortunately that stopped being a possibility a couple weeks ago. If anything, watching the Saints underachieve all season only served to make Payton look like more of a coaching genius and raise his already high value.) If you go back and read the original post this is what I predicted all along, because if the hold-up was regarding language tying Payton to current Saints GM Mickey Loomis that doesn't sound like something a guy looking to switch teams would have. The only thing I didn't see coming was the size of the contract. Reportedly, the new agreement will pay Payton $40 million over 5 years, making him the richest coach in the NFL. This is just another example of how much Roger Goodell screwed up this entire bounty-gate scandal. He wanted to send a message to all the other coaches and players that a pay-for-knockouts program was not going to be tolerated. Well, all the players won their appeals and never missed a game and the man who was reportedly the architect of the entire thing got a year off and a raise. Who says crime doesn't pay?

-After 10 major league seasons with 3 teams, slugger Hideki Matsui will reportedly retire sometime in the near couple of days. The former Japanese superstar was the rare player who seemed to handle the transition to the America rather well, collecting some clutch postseason hits while playing for the Yankees. Because he played for the Yankees Matsui is getting more attention than a player with his career usually would and that includes a debate about his chances for the Hall of Fame. Matsui didn't come to America until he was 28, which means he missed about 7 years of potential stats in his prime. This raises the interesting question of whether or not the stats from his time in Japan should be added to his MLB stats or whether they have to stand alone. For example, if you just look at his MLB numbers his 175 career homeruns don't sound very impressive. But if you add in the 332 he hit while in Japan suddenly you are at 507 and 500 homeruns are usually enough to gain you entry into the Hall of Fame. The case against combing the numbers is very simple - American baseball writers don't really have any idea what type of competition he faced in Japan. For all they know he hit all those home runs against guys who would be at the AA level here. After all, he never came close to duplicating the power numbers he put up playing in those leagues. (The number of Japanese pitchers who have come over to America and fallen flat after two seasons do not help his case.) However, you can also easily argue the case for combining all his stats into one career total by pointing out that just about every generation of baseball has some kind of caveat to it. After all, no one who played in the 1950s had to worry about 103 mph fastballs. Still, I don't see Matsui getting in - he simply didn't play at a high level for long enough. Still, as a long-time Red Sox fan who was much more afraid of him than Alex Rodriguez when it came to playoff time, allow me to pay him the ultimate rival level of respect: I'm very happy to see him go.

-I've always said that, outside of the National Championship, bowl games are more for the alumni than the current students. As I sit and watch random bowl game after random bowl game try to remind us that college football is still going, I can't help but wonder how excited some of these players are to be there. Sure, teams which never have sustained success are thrilled to be invited anywhere, but if you are at a powerhouse program which had a mediocre year do you really want to play one more game which isn't going to matter? Of course not, you'd rather get this year over with and start preparing for next year. That is why I was hardly surprised at reports that several USC players had tweeted some disparaging remarks regarding El Paso, where the Trojans are playing Georgia Tech in the Sun Bowl. Sure, head coach Lane Kiffin said all the right things at the press conference when the team arrived, but then USC was over an hour late to the pre-game celebratory dinner. (To their credit, Georgia Tech got fed up and left. They probably don't want to be there any more than the Trojans, so I like that they had the self-respect to not be stood up like that.) The thing is I don't even blame the players or the coaches. USC goes into each season expecting to be in a major bowl and anything less is seen as a failure. If I were the athletic director I would have refused any bowl invitation for this year. I'm sure there would be some alumni who would be upset, but I'm pretty sure the majority of them would be fine with not appearing in a game which is played before New Year's Day. I've said Lane Kiffin should cut out the petty antics because he is the head coach at USC and that means something. Well, the same should go for the AD - it is ok to be a little snobby about your post-season plans. Honestly, he should be pleased that his players think they are better than a mid-level bowl game because it should motivate them to not be playing in one next season.

Better You Than Me

As much as I love this "Family Guy" clip, I actually hate flying trash when it is on the highway. There are few things in life more terrifying to me than driving down the highway at a fairly high speed and seeing a random plastic bag come rolling down the lane towards you. Seriously, I'd almost rather it be another car. Because what happens next is almost inevitable: the car ahead of you will pass close enough to send it flying back up into the air and straight at your car. Then it is a waiting game to see whether the bag goes under or over your car and if it goes under you have to hold your breath until it reemerges from your undercarriage. Seriously, watching a piece of trash go under your car and then not come back out totally sucks. Because now you have to wonder if you are dragging this thing or if it has gotten itself wrapped around something rather important and is slowly melting, no doubt causing damage which will cost hundreds of dollars to repair. (I guess this says a lot about the level of cars I have owned in my life if I am convinced a plastic grocery bag would have forever ruined how well they drove.) The only benefit of this paranoia is that it has made me very conscious about littering near highways.

Monday morning I was running out to buy one last Christmas present and was heading down Route 128. They've been doing a lot of construction on that part of the highway, which means there are lots of signs, cones and other construction-related material laying around for people to accidentally clip with their cars. (It's one of those projects which has been going on for years and when it is done will leave the road looking exactly the same.) If you've driven on this part of the highway in the last couple of months you know it is not uncommon for some piece of debris to be in the breakdown lane. Also, that morning had been very windy ahead of the temperature changes which came in that night. I can only assume it was these two factors coming together which led to two or three massive wads of police tape to ball up and sit on the side of the highway like modern-day tumbleweeds. I'm not sure what the police needed to mark off, but judging from the size of the bundles my best guess is it was an entire acre of land. This is exactly the kind of thing I would hate to be in the road. The good news for me is that I was able to pass by without incident. However, not everyone shared my good fortune, because less than two miles down the road I was passed by this woman.

Now, it may be a little hard to tell from that photo but beyond the top streamer of police tape which is around 15 feet in length, there is a second strand dragging down along the white line. That lower strand extended much farther - closer to 60 feet long. (I guess that is one way to make sure no one is tailgating you.) Under normal circumstances, like if we were walking down the street, I would like to think that I would assist the woman in untangling herself but there wasn't much I could do to help her at 60 mph. (Clearly, I did the next best thing and took a picture of it.) The only good news was that either it wasn't bothering the driver or she didn't notice because she showed no signs of wanting to pull over and get the tape away from her axle. The last I saw of her she was blissfully continuing down the road as I turned onto Route 24. She may have been hoping that it just flew off on its own, but I hope she eventually stopped to collect all the tape. I know that crawling under your car on the side of a busy highway on Christmas Eve morning is not how anyone wants to start their day, but I can't imagine driving like that for very long is good for the car and pulling it off and then leaving it by the side of the road only makes it someone else's problem.

I have to say, it is very strange to see someone else living out your nightmare scenario. For example, it is one thing to watch a stranger trip - that's just funny. But the second that trip happens as they are walking on stage to deliver a presentation you know they were already nervous about it stops being funny because I think we have all had that fearful moment flash through our brains at one time or another. Seeing another human have to experience it for real is when an entirely new range of emotions kicks in. On the one hand you feel this very strong sense of empathy, because you know how much you don't want that to happen to you. On the other hand you feel a tremendous amount of relief simply because it isn't happening to you. Now, it is entirely possible that the woman driving the car didn't care because she was confident no amount of rouge tape was going to stop her vehicle and she knew that she could wait until she reached her destination to deal with it. If that is the case than I'm almost glad it happened to her because clearly the universe sent this situation to someone equipped to deal with it. I'm sure I would have dealt with it as well, I just don't want to have to. Then again, if people would just make a more conscious effort to clean up after themselves no one would have to deal with it.

Airing of Grievances

No one really wants to hear other people complain about the holidays. There is a strange arrogance to the act, as if the person doing the complaining is the only one who has to deal with stressful situations while everyone else is floating through without any problems. With that in mind I made a conscious effort to be a little more positive on the blog for the last couple of weeks. However, Christmas is now over. Therefore with that self-imposed gag order removed, I feel comfortable going back and going over a few things which irked me during the holiday season. Here they are in no particular order...

-Mall VJs. The new thing in malls is to have TVs set up in the food courts which play music videos. Now, I was already feeling old because not only did I not know who sang half the songs I heard, I also didn't come close to getting the music trivia right, which is something I used to pride myself on. With that in mind I did not need the extra confusion of seeing these VJs saying things like, "Hey, it's Tamara" like were are on a first-name basis. Luckily, it turns out this is not an issue of age, as most people seemed confused as to who this person was. You are not famous enough to go by only your first name. Hell, you're not famous enough to act like I am supposed to know who you are, period. This is not MTV during its heyday when the VJs doubled as celebrities - you're pretty much only there to provide background noise so if you want to use this job as a stepping stone you would be well-served to stop acting like you are famous. But, the topic of music brings me to my next subject.

-Radio stations. If you look at the ratings books for this month, the stations which switch to Christmas-only music typically come in towards the top of the charts. So, I have no problem with them switching earlier and earlier. However, if you are only going to play one genre of music for two months, you could at least do some digging to have a greater variety. Sometimes I seriously wonder if these program directors think there are only 10 Christmas songs they can work with. I know many listeners would prefer it if these stations stuck with the classics because most new Christmas music is awful, but after a couple weeks the repetition is maddening. Even if people don't want to hear all new music you could always use other Christmas songs from popular artists. For example, Springsteen does a fine version of "Merry Christmas Baby" which never get played. Meanwhile, the only thing I am more grateful for than anyone who took the time to get me a present is that there are 300 days before I have to hear the Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band sing "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town" again. I don't know how the DJs don't go insane.

-Lazy Parents. Some days I think I would like to eventually have kids of my own... but then I go shopping at Christmas time and that feeling goes away. I've been around enough kids to understand that after a while their own child's whining becomes like white-noise and parents barely hear it. Also, parents can't respond to every request their kids have or they will never get anything done. That is fine for you. But for the rest of us your kid's voice is like nails on a chalkboard. The thing is I don't blame the kid, I blame the parents who decide not to hear it, because ignoring it is pissing the rest of us off way more than the child's whining ever could. Honestly, what did you think was going to happen when you brought a small child to the toy department a week before Christmas? I know babysitters are expensive and the extra cost at Christmas time is just not feasible, but how about you put in a little effort over here and then go back to being lazy when you are in housewares? The kid is going to whine a lot less staring at blenders and that is really all the rest of us want.

-Price Tags. I'll start this part off with a confession: I lied about how much your gift cost. Doesn't even matter who I'm talking to, I'll usually under-value the item I got someone because I am surrounded by individuals who want me to spend $1 on them every year and get mad when I go over that budget. So, I'll take a few bucks off the final price so they don't worry about how much I've spent. The thing is, this deception would be easier to achieve if price tags would come off. Half of the price tags I tried to remove this Christmas were on the package with way more glue than was necessary. Even worse are the tags which are perforated and come off in sections. I would understand that if it was the section with the price on it, but most of them split the tag down the middle for no reason whatsoever. I keep my nails pretty short and so getting an edge to start pulling the tags off is annoying enough without getting a quarter of the tag off before it rips and I have to start the process all over again. Considering most items scan in without the tags anyway why are we so determined to keep them attached?

-Register Clerks. I don't need them to comment on the things I have purchased. They are the ones who work there and see this stuff every day, so shouldn't I be the one who is surprised by what deal I found? Even if they are saying something nice it still feels like forced conversation. One woman made the extra point to loudly announce to no one in particular that the item I was buying was expensive. Thanks, because I love attention so much and what I really wanted was for everyone around me to look in my direction. Also, stop staring at my debit card while you are waiting for the transaction to process because it makes me paranoid that you are either trying to memorize the numbers or the card has been rejected for some reason, even though I know there is no reason for me to worry. I know they are probably bored and just looking for a way to break the awkward silence but considering this 30 second interaction was never going to lead to a life-long friendship, I am officially relieving them of that feeling of obligation. In the future just say hello, tell me a total, hand me a bag and wish me a good day.

Pocket Full Of Surprises

As so often happens, while I was out Christmas shopping for other people I found several things I would like for myself. This happens just about every year, mostly because Christmas shopping is the only time I actually spend in store anymore. (It's the same insulated phenomenon which leads to people complaining about there not being any good new music released anymore because they only listen to music from their iPod. It's not until they are in their car for an extended period that they finally turn on the radio and discover the cool 'new' band everyone has been listening to for the last 6 months.) Anyway, the good news is that before these finds I had been having a hard time coming up with a list for my family this year and a couple of these discoveries were able to be put to good use. One of things I found for myself was a very cool pair of golf shorts. Admittedly, royal blue shorts with a white pinstripe pattern on them are not typically something you would find in my wardrobe, but every now and again I like to take chances with my clothes and the golf course is a wonderful place to experiment with looks, because even the ugliest pair of pants in the normal world will be seen as stylist as long as you are holding a putter. I first saw these shorts a couple weeks ago at the local TJ Maxx, but didn't want to pull the trigger on them because I was shopping for other people. When they were still there a week later, which never happens with items in stores like TJ's and Marshall's, I figured it was fate and added them to my Christmas list.

Since giving directions to where they were in the store proved to be slightly difficult I eventually went down, found them myself and physically handed them to my mom while promising to act surprised on Christmas day. It was only after I opened the present yesterday I realized that for all the times I had held these shorts I had never actually tried them on. The tag said they were my size, but considering the number of times I have experienced buying two shirts from the same store which were the same size and discovering that one fit perfectly while the other didn't fit at all, you would think I would have known better. So yesterday during a lull between the storms of children opening presents I ran to the bathroom to try them out and I am happy to report they fit just fine. However, while I was putting them on I felt something in one of the side pockets. I assumed it was the packet of spare buttons, even though it felt a little too big. Reaching in I discovered it was actually three coins. Sadly, another second later I realized they weren't legal tender, but coins of the chocolate variety.

As you can imagine, this was more than a little strange to me. I asked my mom is she put them in there to add an element of surprise since I knew what the gift was going to be, but she was as unaware of the contents of the pocket as I was. I would claim it was a Hanukkah miracle since gold coins are a staple of the festival of lights, but since Hanukkah ended a week ago I don't think that was the case either. (Also, there is the little factor of my family not being Jewish.) I have been trying to come up with a few theories as to what could have led to these random candy coins in these shorts and here is what I have got so far: some little kid was bored while his mother was doing her shopping and decided to engage in a little mischief, some parent lost track of their kid who then opened a bag of candy and rather than pay for it the parent decided to stash the evidence in the nearest article of clothing (the shorts do come with surprisingly deep pockets) or someone stole something which came with these coins and didn't want the candy (which is smart. It is always the superfluous items which end up getting robbers caught). Whichever of those you pick to be the truth, by asking my mother to buy me these shorts I think I just made her an accessory to shoplifting.

I have long held the policy of washing my clothes before wearing them for the first time. Some have argued that this is unnecessary, claiming that the day you bring clothes home from the store is the cleanest those clothes are ever going to be. I guess that may be true with clothes which are wrapped in some kind of plastic container like socks or shipped directly from the manufacturer, but for the rest of the clothes you get it just seems like the smartest move. I know this is one of those things we have decided as a society to not think about because then no one would buy anything, but you can never be sure how long any piece of clothing has been hanging on that rack or how many people tried it on before you decided to take it home. Hell, for all I know these shorts were bought by someone else and then returned and the chocolate coins really were part of a Hanukkah present. If the thought of a total stranger trying on the pants you are currently wearing isn't enough to get you to wash them before putting them on your body than you are clearly just more comfortable interacting with strangers than I am, because now not only am I going to wash my clothes before I wear them, I'm going to check the pockets as well. All I can hope is that next time the money will be real.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Wishing everyone 

a wonderful day.

Hope Santa brought you 

everything you asked for.

As my Christmas present to you, 

here's a little Christmas mix to listen to 

while you open presents.

Gift Gasp

As I've gotten older it has slowly dawned on me that there is no such thing as 'the perfect Christmas gift'. You can get something the person will really like or truly needs, but if it was something they couldn't live without than chances are they would have found a way to get their hands on it before December. I'm not saying you should forget about holiday shopping, buy gift cards for everyone on your list and simply call it a season, just that we should stop putting so much pressure on ourselves to find an amazing item for every single person on our holiday shopping lists. This is something I know I really struggle with because of my shopping habits. I shop like my list doubles as a scavenger hunt and thus have a tendency to hesitate about buying an item which would make a perfectly acceptable gift because it is not exactly what I started the day looking for. One more than a few occasions I have not bought a gift which was in my hand, gone to multiple locations without finding something better and then slunk back to the original store to only to discover the gift which would have been quite good is now gone. At least I know how crazy this behavior is. The sad thing is that it is nothing compared to what I do when I actually find what I am looking for.

When I started my holiday shopping I had one specific item in the back of my mind that I wanted to find, but did not hold out much hope of success. Since I haven't given it to the person yet I can't give you too many details, but just know that I was hoping to find a holiday-themed version of this thing and it is almost never associated with Christmas. So, I had lowered my expectations before I even started, but made sure to look around every store I went into on the off-chance they made it. As expected, my first few days of holiday shopping brought me nothing. However, I was in my local TJ Maxx (if you know me at all then you knew if I ever found this thing it was either going to be in a TJs or a Marshall's) when out of the corner of my eye I spied the item. This is where the story gets a little embarrassing. Not only did I audibly gasp when I first saw it, but for a moment I forgot that I was in public. I stalked over to the display table and dramatically swooped my arm down to grab it from the bin. I was a half-second away from hoisting it over my head like Excalibur when I snapped back to reality and remembered that no one else around me was aware what was important enough to warrant this little one-man play and if they were watching me I probably looked a little strange.

[Sidebar: This is hardly the first time I have done something like this, because I often let my mind wander a little too far. I've admitted this in a previous blog post, but it is worth repeating - if you ever see me standing in line at the bank just know in my mind I'm actually going over scenarios of what I would do to save everyone if the bank was robbed and they suddenly looked to me to play the action hero. (While the reality is it would not end well for anyone involved, in my head Jason Statham has got nothing on me.) The good part is that I never act on those thoughts because I don't think security would appreciate that. But, I am sure I am not alone in this. I believe people are constantly starring in their own biopic which is only being filmed in their mind and is way more dramatic than what is actually occurring. It is something we learn to do as children when we pretend with our toys. The only difference between how we used to do this as kids and now is that as kids we were allowed to act these scenarios out and now if you try them people think you are peculiar. Moral of this rant? While mostly awesome, growing up does have a few disadvantages.]

Still, it is moments of discovery like this which keep me shopping like my list is a challenge and not settling for any gift just to get all my holiday buying done. If I feel 'eh' about a gift than the moment of buying it is also very bland. But if I think I am buying the person something they will genuinely like than it ramps up the entire shopping experience. Admittedly, there is something a little selfish about it. If I'm spending the money and not getting to use whatever I am buying than the at least I should get some excitement out of buying it. It is one of the reasons I am much more willing to fight crowds at the mall rather than scan my computer until something interesting comes on the screen - the "Ah-ha!" moment just isn't the same when it is virtual. Honestly, there are worse things in the world I could be addicted to than the feeling of buying someone a really good present. But next year I think every now and again I need to step back and remind myself that sometimes it is just the thought that counts because trying for perfection is really just a recipe for inaction. Not to mention, if I find the perfect gift too many time in one holiday season at some point I will forget where I am and make a scene in a store.

Still Here

If you are reading this, it means the Mayan prophecy which stated that the world was going to end on December 21st 2012 was wrong. I would have brought this up on the 21st, but the Mayans just specified a date, never an hour (I can only assume they had also not foreseen the adoption of a world-wide system of time) and I would hate to have written about how wrong they were only to have the world end within a couple hours. Anyway, now that a couple of days have passed I feel safe in commenting on it. First of all, I find it really funny that in the hours leading up to the 21st the Mayans were already in damage control. Plenty of archaeologists were on TV saying the Mayans never specified this date, their calendar actually says the world is going to end in another 2000 years or so. It reminded me of when a movie studio knows the opening weekend of their new movie is going to be disappointing and starts to talk back expectations before the first screening. There don't appear to be any Mayans left, but at least someone out there was willing to stick up for them. Which bring me to my next point: if the Mayans were so smart than why didn't they see their own demise coming? This is also why I refused to call the Psychic Friends Hotline after it went bankrupt. With Psychic Friends like that, who needs enemies?

I'm not going to get on the Mayans too much because they are hardly the first people to predict the world was going to end and have it turn out they are wrong. If anything they should feel a lot better than the people who predict it now, when people should know better. Still, I am always fascinated to see which people get really into which theories when discussing the end of the world. Of all the prophecies, why was this the one which became such a sensation? (It couldn't have been the movie "2012" because that was terrible.) There has to be a reason that several people I know who are normally very rational and well-educated were convinced that something carved into a stone by people who thought the sun was magic and practiced cannibalism was going to be accurate. I always assumed the calendar ended on that date because the guy in charge of carving ran out of room or time and figured he had a thousand years done, which should have given him plenty of time to find a moment to get back to carving but just never got around to it. (Happens to the best of us - I certainly hope I'm never judged on the stuff I forgot to finish.) I'd like to say this hype should serve as a warning the next time someone starts making guarantees about the end of the world, but it probably won't. Failed predictions appear to be the one thing which will actually survive the end of civilizations.

Weekly Sporties

-When the New York Jets lost to the Tennessee Titans on Monday night, it officially (and mercifully) ended any chance they had to make the playoffs. Since they have nothing left to fight for this season the team has begun to look towards the future and announced that they will bench struggling starting quarterback Mark Sanchez. However, they will not replace him with backup Tim Tebow, but will jump Tim in favor of 3rd-string QB Greg McElroy, who led the team to a 4th-quarter comeback a few weeks ago. After that revelation the New York Daily News reported that if Greg McElroy starts the final two games of the season, Tim Tebow will request a trade. There have since been additional reports that the Jets will try and trade Sanchez this offseason. Even though the Patriots and Jets share a division I usually don't consider the Jets rivals and take no great joy in their failure. The thing is everyone told them bringing in Tebow was a bad idea the second they did it. Everyone tried to warn them it would rattle Sanchez, who has never had a competent backup his entire NFL career to threaten his playing time, and cause more trouble than it was worth. So now that it has played out in exactly that fashion everyone is having a good time with the "I told you so"s. But to me the really funny part where the Jets mention trading Tebow and Sanchez, as if the league is going to be knocking down their door for the opportunity. The reality is that no one wants these guys. Tebow has somehow become more damaged even though he barely played and Sanchez got a massive extension before last season and no one is going to want to take on that contract. They may release Tebow, but I expect Sanchez to be back with the team next season. The real question is whether or not the front office who signed off on this mess will be back with them.

-No player has been fined more during NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's attempts to "enhance player safety" than Pittsburgh Steelers' linebacker James Harrison. For a while there it seemed as if Harrison was getting docked massive fines every week for illegal hits to the head, to the point he said he would retire rather than keep dealing with it. (Shockingly, that was a bluff, as Harrison is still around.) I hadn't heard much from Harrison lately, which made me think he may have cleaned up his play, but in an interview given late in the week James showed me that wasn't the case, because now says he goes more for guy's knees than he does for their heads which he believes is just as dangerous a hit. I didn't hear the audio and so I can't judge his tone, but reports are that he went on to clarify, saying he isn't trying to injure people - just pointing out the hypocrisy of Roger Goodell saying he wants player safety while condoning hits which could end a player's season or career. On the one hand I have to agree with Harrison - it does seem to create a strange double standard. The problem is the messenger. This is the same guy who was essentially whining because he could no longer nearly decapitate another player and suddenly I'm supposed to believe he cares about another player's career? Also, you could easily make the case that while knee injuries are more devastating in the short-term concussions are the bigger issue in the long run. I know it sucks walking with a limp when you are 30, but that is still better that than not being able to remember your child's name by the time you are 40. I do appreciate what the players are trying to say, but if they want anyone to listen they need to pick a better spokesman.

-For the last few years people have wondered about the fate of the Buffalo Bills. Owner Ralph Wilson is in his mid-90s and has reportedly told his kids to sell the team when he passes. With a stadium being built in Los Angeles that doesn't currently have a team to occupy it and team playing one "home" game a year in Toronto, many people have speculated the Bills could be moving sooner rather than later. Well, some of those fears can be put to rest as this week the team signed a 7-year deal to remain in Ralph Wilson Stadium. Obviously, like all announced deal it had an opt-out clause which means in reality it is only a 4-year deal, but Bills fans can at least take some comfort in knowing the league will probably have their Los Angeles franchise in place by then and this takes them out of jeopardy of losing their franchise. That being said, I'm not a fan of the deal. It is not that I want the Bills to move - far from it actually. But all this deal does is keep them in their current stadium with a few upgrades. If you have ever seen Ralph Wilson stadium than you know it is not exactly the envy of the league. No amount of make-up or new luxury boxes are going to cover up its obvious flaws. The Bills already have a tough time attracting free agents unless they want to over-pay them and having sub-par facilities is not going to make that fight any easier. What they need to do is start looking at ways to get a new stadium. If they don't do something to improve their image around the league they are going to stay in their current position, which is the middle of the pack with no signs that a turnaround is coming. If that is where they are happy to be than they may as well be in Los Angeles because at least that way the fans in Buffalo will know they can stop caring.

-Sitting near the top of the Eastern Conference, New York Knicks are one of the NBA's feel-good stories of the season so far. Before the year got started everyone thought they would be too old, too mismanaged and too dysfunctional to even put together a playoff run, but they have come out of the gate and surprised everyone. Carmelo Anthony is having an MVP season, which is in stark contrast to last year. A lot of people are speculating the reason for this resurgence is that Anthony is playing so well because he doesn't have to worry about sharing the ball with forward Amare Stoudemire, who has missed this entire season due to an on-going knee injury. Now Stoudemire is set to return and Knicks fans are worried he may ruin the roll the team is on. I've always thought Stoudemire was a little over-rated and too fond of himself, so this sounds about right to me. Apparently some people who work for the team share this concern as well because reportedly they spent a few weeks this summer literally trying to give Stoudemire away to any NBA team that would take him. Unfortunately for the Knicks, due to his bad knees and huge contract no one wants him. To his credit, Stoudemire has said he has no problems coming off the bench, but I don't know how long that will last. I'm definitely going to be interested in keeping an eye on this going forward because with any other team you would suggest moving Amare and getting back less than equal value in the name of winning. But the Knicks, especially as long as they have been owned by James Dolan, do not have a history of choosing substance over style. I'll be interested to see if that philosophy survives should Stoudemire return and the Knicks lose a couple of games in a row.

-Last week I told you the first group of fan ballots are in for the NBA's All-Star game and the results had sparked a debate over whether the game should be considered an exhibition or a serious judge of who the best players in the game are. What is not up for debate is the fact that the All-Star Skills Challenge the night before has grown increasingly stale. The NBA has tried just about everything they can think of to spice up the proceedings but even the best marketing team in the world would admit there is only so much you can do to get people excited about 3-point shooting, players dribbling through an obstacle course and a dunk contest which ran out of fresh material 10 years ago. (I thought the idea of a game of H-O-R-S-E had potential, but the league gave up on it rather quickly.) Since they are not ones to be easily deterred, this week the NBA announced even more changes to the skills competition. This year the players will compete as teams, decided by conferences, with each skill contest getting a certain number of points with the winning conference getting the prizes. Personally, I'm not sure if these changes will be enough to get me to give the night more than a few passing glances. I still think the best way to get people to give a crap about the Skill Challenge is to make the game seem more interesting and if they want people to get interested in this game they need to really start switching it up and playing the All-Star game as US vs the World. Not only would it create some interesting matchups and teammates, it would create more buzz for USA Basketball. It wouldn't settle the 'exhibition vs serious contest' debate but at least it would get people interested, which is better than most people are about the event right now.

-The NBA decided to make these changes to All-Star weekend based on the successful integration of similar ideas during the NHL's All-Star event. It is too bad the NHL doesn't appear to want to take a page from the NBA's style of labor negotiations because while the NBA players were stubborn enough to lose a few paychecks and ultimately a couple weeks worth of the games, they weren't stupid enough to hold out to the point the season was cancelled. This week the NHL cancelled even more games, all the way through January 14th. That date is important because from the very start experts have said that if the league wants to cobble together any kind of legitimate regular season they would need to have a deal done by the middle of January to get things like free agency and training camps done. So, with no hockey into the new year and both side digging in for the long haul, it is looking more and more likely that pro hockey will lose its second full season in less than a decade. The players are scheduling a vote to disband the union, which would give them the right to sue the league individually and claim a monopoly, which is what several NFL players did during their labor negotiations a year ago. When the NFLPA did that it seemed to hasten the proceedings, but in that case both sides seemed as though they wanted to get a deal done and just needed a push - I don't get the same vibe here. I think there are plenty of hockey owners who are willing to kill the entire season just to get the better end of a deal. This is especially annoying because the only reason this lockout exists is because most of those same owners couldn't be trusted to work within the rules they had agreed to during the last labor negotiations. If only there were a way for hockey fans to lock those guys out.

-Back in September, I mentioned that Fred Couples had been elected to the Golf Hall of Fame by the slimmest of margins. The way this Hall of Fame voting works is that if no one gets the 65% of the vote needed for enshrinement, the person with highest number of votes over 50% gets in and Couples got 51% of the vote. Immediately this led to people in the golf media calling for a change in the way voting is done. Well, if the Hall wants to change the way its members vote, they shouldn't look to the foreign golf writers for leadership, because this week their votes were counted and Colin Montgomerie will receive enshrinement as a result of the same clause because he also received just 51% of the votes. The good news for Fred is that this should take him off the hot seat as the most controversial member of this year's class because at least he has a Major victory to his credit, whereas Monty not only doesn't have one of those, he's never won on North American soil. He does, however have 31 European Tour victories, which give him fourth-most all-time for that tour. Also, he is undefeated in Ryder Cup play and every golf fan knows the Euros value that more than the American writers. Still, this had led to a very heated debate about just how important Majors are to a career and just what makes a Hall of Famer. Monty was very good, but was he an All-Time great? The stats say no and while I know there is an 'it' factor which can't be explained in these situations, being unable to come through when the pressure is at its highest does make you wonder just how great a player really is. This isn't a team sport where you can claim your teammates let you down (which is something no Hall of Famer should be saying anyway). Either way, it leads me back to something I have said time and time again about Hall of Fame voting for every sport: sometimes not electing anyone that year is better than letting in people who are only marginally worthy. Lowering the bar does nothing but a disservice to the people who are already in.

Slow Roll

Because I have no one to blame but myself for not having my Christmas shopping done well before now, I was willing to accept my fate of long lines and haggard store clerks when I ventured out yesterday in hopes of finishing my list. I just considered it my procrastination tax. However, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised at what I encountered - no one was particularly snappy, the lines never got that long, even the ones which were slightly lengthy moved quickly and while a few people seemed genuinely stressed they were not about to take it out on the total stranger standing in line behind them. Other than not coming close to finishing my list, I was pretty happy with the experience. The only problems I had were actually getting into the malls. Once I was inside everything went great, but up to that point it was another stark reminder that we really need to have stricter driving tests in this country. It's not even so much four lanes of traffic trying to squeeze through a one-lane entrance, it's the fact that the people in the parking lot are cruising around at 5 mph even though you can see every spot is taken and no one is walking towards any of the cars in the aisle. I'm not saying I think people should be speeding around a crowded parking lot, but if a spot is taken there is no point in inching past it and hoping the car in the spot magically disappears. Also, if the car in front of you doesn't take a spot it probably a safe conclusion that there isn't a spot open.

Yesterday I was at the Natick Collection, which is nothing more than a very fancy way of calling a group of stores something other than a mall. Now, if you wish to enter the Collection through the massive expansion which went up a couple of years ago you have a couple of options of very nice, clean and well-planned out parking garages which will even tell you how many spaces are available on each level. But, if you happen to want to enter the old part of the mall you have to use the older parking garages, which were apparently designed in the heyday of Boston architecture when roads didn't have to go straight and could suddenly become one-way streets in the opposite direction of what you are currently facing. I can think of no other explanation for why else there would be a dead-end section of the parking garage I was in yesterday. Still, an idea is only as bad as the people who fall for it, so perhaps I have no one to blame but myself for turning down that aisle. I knew it was a dead-end street, but was partly hoping that fact would have scared a few people off and I would find a spot on the ground floor. I feel like on any other shopping day I would have felt stupid, but could have moved along. However, on this shopping day I had another problem to deal with - the woman in the Jeep behind me who had the same stupid idea.

Now, if she had immediately followed me down the aisle than I would have understood that. However, what she did instead was watch me from the end of the aisle, see me get to the end of the row, realize I had no place to go because it was a dead end, start to back up, begin the task of turning around in an area which was barely wider than my truck and when I was about 6 points in to my 400-point turn, decide to come down the aisle and stop roughly 5 feet from my bumper, also known as where my truck needed to be in another couple of seconds. I'm not sure what she was thinking - did she assume I was passing up a space? Because I feel like she should know if I had found a space I would have grabbed it and been thrilled. A reasonable person would have assumed that if a person is leaving the section they just entered it must be because this section doesn't have any available spaces. It wasn't even like she was in a mini-Cooper and thought perhaps there was a space my truck didn't fit into that her could would have. Lastly, the fact she felt the need to get that close while I was still turning around was rather infuriating. That would have been too close in any parking lot, but when I have about three feet of space to work with it was a serious breach of personal space. Thus, I only felt a little bad when another car started coming down the aisle as I was leaving and she was starting her 400-point turn. I assume this particular scene repeated itself all afternoon long.

The thing is that the parking situation wouldn't need to be this bad if people would just be willing to accept their fates and walk a little. The reason tempers are so short is that we are all fighting for the same 10 spots which are closest to the door, despite the fact that if we really couldn't handle the steps we would have handicap parking badges to hang from our windows (judging from the able-bodied people who have them, they can't be very hard to acquire). There were plenty of spaces towards the back of these lots and the weather yesterday was just fine for a short stroll. Besides, it is not like these parking lots require a monorail ride into the building like they are Disney World - the farthest spot from the entrance is at most a couple hundred yards. Sometimes there is something to be said for parking far from the store - it can make for a quick escape if you are only going in for one item and know exactly where it is located. Additionally, by parking away from everyone else you lessen the chance the person who pulls in next to you will swing their door open and scratch your car. Unfortunately, while people are willing to put up with crowded stores and long lines, they are unwilling to budge on parking. I guess they are anticipating coming out with arms full of bags and don't want to juggle them all the way to the car. Normally I would suggest making a quick pit stop in the middle of your shopping to drop off the bags, but unfortunately that also teases the people looking for parking spaces because they think you are leaving. The last thing we need is people driving even slower looking for at a spot which is opening any time soon. It's not nice to be that cruel at Christmas time.

How It's Done

So, it just occurred to me that Christmas is coming and it is doing so rather quickly. For some reason the holiday feels as though it is still weeks away, instead of less than a week like it actually is. I guess part of this can be blamed on the weather - when I was a kid we were would have been wearing heavy jackets by now and instead I'm still walking around with a light fleece. That makes it a little harder to get into the holiday spirit. But, I also think the lack of good holiday viral videos aren't helping. Part of Christmas is watching holiday movies and since everything these days is done online that means videos as well. Unfortunately, this year's crop is really substandard. I think people need to be reminded that for every video which takes off and becomes an internet sensation there are hundreds, if not thousands, which are not clever or funny in any way. That's why I'm putting this one back on the blog. Now, I'm not expecting everyone to be able to meet this standard - after all you probably can't afford to put Hollywood stars in the video you are filming in your kitchen. (Though, I would take a run at Nik Cage. Judging from his last few IMDB entries that guy will appear in anything if you pay him.) But, as they old saying goes - shoot for the moon and even if you fail you will still be among the stars. So, put a little effort into it and maybe people won't think it is the holidays until they've watched your video as snow falls out the window.

Drunk History Christmas with Ryan Gosling, Jim Carrey and Eva Mendes from Ryan Gosling

Say Cheese

Thanks to advances in cellphones, these days pretty much everyone has a camera in their pocket at all times. They come in awfully handy when random news occurs but mostly these cameras are used for more important issues, such as when people want to get their friends' advice about an outfit or simply don't feel like typing a long text message to explain something funny which is happening. Despite this convenience, I still don't take that many pictures as I go through my daily routine, which also means I don't share many pictures either. I get too many random visitors on my blog to share personal pictures with the world, but I recognize that not everyone is uptight about that kind of thing as I am. The good news is that you wanted your photos to be seen by as many people as possible, Instagram was planning to help you out. Hidden in their latest terms and conditions agreement appeared to be a clause which allowed the company to use or sell any photo uploaded to the site without telling the photographer or giving them any compensation. They could have done something as innocuous as putting your picture on the front page of their site or as underhanded as selling the picture for a multi-million dollar ad campaign, all without asking you were comfortable with being the new face of a Russian jeans company. For their part Instagram quickly backed away from this, saying while it may have been worded it that, it was never their intention to sell private photos. I actually think their intention was not to get caught selling private photos.

Surprisingly, I don't have much sympathy for people whose pictures were potentially getting sold through Instagram. After all, it is a free site - they need to make their money somewhere. No one creates the next big internet sensation just out of the kindness of their heart. Also I do question if this is one of those things people were freaking out about even though it wouldn't apply to 95% of their users. Instagram appeared to be focused on getting famous photographers to use their site so they were probably the people they had in mind when their lawyers wrote this section of the agreement. It is the same thing which happened when the full-body scanners were first being placed in airports. I always noticed that the people complaining the loudest about how they didn't want their naked pictures to end up on the internet were always the people no one would want to see naked anyway. The other thing about which makes this story feel like people are complaining a little too much is that from what I can tell most Instagram pictures feature what people are having for dinner. Restaurants pay a lot of money to have professional make their food look really good. I don't care how great a picture your iPhone takes, there is no way McDonald's would risk using a picture which makes their burgers look greasy just to save a few advertising bucks. I'm not saying it is right that Instagram appeared to be trying to use personal photos in a public fashion, I'm just saying that most of you don't have to act like they were coming exclusively for your album.

Fortunately for the general public who were largely unaware there were at least a few people who were bored enough to actually read the entire terms of service agreement rather than doing what the rest of us do most of the time which is blindly sign it. I admit to being as guilty of this as the next guy - there is no way I want to read through 25 pages of legalese just to download a song, which again brings up the question of why these online agreements are so damn long. After all, if you think about what is really at stake, do we need that lengthy of a document? As I said in one of my first posts on this blog the Declaration of Independence was one page (single spaced, but still one page). If something that important can be taken care of in that few words, why all the paperwork when all I'm looking for is a place to post a picture of a funny t-shirt so all my friends can see it? I can't help but wonder if these agreements are written this way with just this sort of occasion in mind. If you keep producing longer and longer documents with no questionable material in them eventually people are going to let their guard down, trust you and just sign them. That is when you can sneak in whatever bizarre clauses you may want. A few years ago "South Park" had an episode which covered this very topic and featured Apple putting all sorts of strange clauses in their iTunes agreement. I would like to think that spurred a few more people to read these documents. (Score another one for Matt and Trey.)

Of course because this happened on the internet in 2012, for every person who was pissed off about this terrible invasion of privacy there were three people who thought this was going to launch them to fame and fortune, either as a model or a famous photojournalist. Other people didn't care which pictures Instagram sold or to whom as long as they fixed the part about not paying the person who originally took the picture. And to me that is the real heart of this matter - people say they don't like it when companies take their personal information without telling them, but they really don't like it when those companies don't pay them. Some tech experts are saying this could be the end of Instagram since they look deceitful and there are plenty of other photo-sharing websites to choose from. I think this is a much easier fix for Instagram - give people a button which allows them to pick and choose which of their pictures they would be willing to sell to advertisers and then give those users a small fee. It probably doesn't even have to be that much money considering people were going to take these pictures anyway. If anything the chance to make a little money that way is pretty much every internet user's dream. Not only would it stop Instagram's current public relations problems, but it may even increase the number of users and the quality of the pictures on the site. I just hope this incident will remind people that just because a company came up with a cool idea and seems like it is run by fun people, that doesn't mean they won't try to sneak something passed you as soon as they can. After all, buying friends can be easier than making them.

Here We Go Again

I think everyone remembers the roller-coaster ride that was supposed to be Conan O'Brien's ascension to the chair as the host of "The Tonight Show" following NBC's forced retirement of host Jay Leno a few years ago. For those of you who don't remember, NBC gave Leno a five-year head's-up that he was out the door due to poor ratings. However, five years later Leno's rating had significantly improved and the network was afraid he was going to end up on another network and crush Conan. So, instead they gave Leno a show at 10 o'clock which was a ratings disaster and effectively killed any chance Conan had to step out of his shadow. After a couple of failed attempt to move Conan back to midnight he quit "The Tonight Show" and landed at TBS. Leno went back where he started, only now his reputation had taken a big hit as he was seen as a backstabber in the comedy community and everyone who oversaw this shit-show at NBC was eventually fired, as David Letterman sat in the corner firing spitballs at them the entire time. So, basically no one came out of this looking any better, but at least we got a very good book out of it - "The War for Late Night." I hope everyone likes sequels, because it could be happening again.

Earlier in the day a story was leaked to the press that NBC is again planning for Leno to give up "The Tonight Show" when his contract expires in 2014. And again they are planning to elevate the man currently hosting "Late Night" to that job, only this time that man is Jimmy Fallon. (I have no comment on how Fallon will do with an earlier time-slot because I never stay awake long enough to watch his show, so I really don't know how it is. I'm told it is quite good, but perhaps he should talk to Conan about how to keep doing all the things which made him successful when everyone wants to change those bits to appeal to a wider audience. Honestly, is there that much of a difference between the 11:35 and 12:35 audiences?) On paper this plan makes a lot of sense, but you have to wonder why they are leaking this idea so early. I know they aren't totally repeating their mistakes because it is only 2 years in the future instead of 5, but my guess is if Leno is still drawing good numbers at that time the people who advertise with the show won't want anything to change. (I'm sure some of them are already complaining.) If that happens it will be the same scenario all over again. Seriously, just keep your mouth shut until that date get closer and there is actually something to announce.

What I find interesting are all the other factors which could mean this time all this talk might actually happen. First off, Letterman's deal over at CBS expires at the same time. While I have never understood the hero worship of Dave, there is no doubting his popularity. NBC could be a lot more willing to take a ratings hit if Fallon is asked to go against someone like a Craig Ferguson, who may also be changing to an earlier audience. Rather than fans automatically switching from the new guy to the guy who has been there forever everyone would be on equal footing. The big wildcard in all of this is Jimmy Kimmel, who is jumping into the fray by moving his show from midnight to 11:35 starting in a couple weeks. If he takes significant numbers away from Leno than the decision to remove Jay gets much easier, because you can sell advertisers on Fallon appealing to a younger demographic. On top of all that NBC no longer has to fear Leno going to another network. CBS would never take him, ABC seems very happy with Kimmel and if Fox didn't give a show to Conan when they had the chance a few years ago they aren't going to take the plunge into the late-night talk show game now. If the best deal Conan could get was on TBS than there is almost no chance Fallon would find himself competing with Leno.

What is really weird is how fascinating I find all of this considering I don't actually watch any of these shows. You really don't need to - the guests never say anything interesting and if there are any amazing moments from the rest of the show they are put on the web by the next afternoon. Seriously, unless Jon Stewart becomes involved (unlikely, though I wouldn't rule out Colbert), a host switch won't change my viewing routine even a little. I can only assume this interest in how this all finally shakes out comes from the same place that makes me really intrigued as to how baseball teams decide to build their rosters during the offseason even though I know I am going to watch about 25 baseball games all year. I pay attention more because I think about the decisions I would make if it were my network. Just like guys love fantasy football because it gives us the chance to play GM, the thought of being in charge of programming for a major network is quite appealing. Given my affinity for picking which shows are going to be cancelled and in which order, putting me in charge for a couple months wouldn't be the worst idea NBC ever had - that would be green-lighting "Animal Practice". Considering those same sharp minds are the ones handling this succession plan I think the only thing we can really look forward to is another good book in a couple of years.

The Rating Game

I think we all have a person in our lives who hangs onto things for too long. It could be the people I talked about a couple weeks ago who refuse to get rid of their typewriters or it could be that friend who has had the exact same haircut for as long as you have known them. No matter how much you try to subtly suggest or outright demand they make a switch, they insist on keeping things just the way they are. (I'm all for traditions, but continuing to watch movies on BETA isn't a tradition, it's a mistake.) Now, as frustrating as that situation can be, dealing with someone who is set in their ways can be preferable to the people who finally agree to make a change, only to make the wrong change. In some ways, this is much worse because now you feel responsible for this poor life decision since you were the one who insisted they ditch the product which had been working for them all along. It would be like convincing your friend to take the plunge and finally get an MP3 player, then having to pretend you are excited while they show off their new Zune - you simply don't have the heart to tell them they missed the point. This is how I feel about the announcement of a new Nielsen ratings system.

It is no secret that I think there are major flaws in the current way TV networks measure ratings. The idea of one household in 25,000 being an accurate measurement for entire regions of the country is so outdated it is both laughable and sad. This system was developed before people had multiple TVs in their homes and 800 channels to flip through, so expecting it to still work was ludicrous. For example, today you can have 1 person watching TV while 2 other people are watching different shows on their computers. But while the reality is that 3 different shows are on in 3 different rooms, there is only a ratings box on the TV, which means this system doesn't even paint an accurate picture of the ratings for the house it is in. Clearly, these networks needed to update the way they measure what people were watching. You would think, given how plugged in people are at all times and willing to share their personal data at the drop of a hat, a more accurate system would have been easy to come up with. But, what Nielsen did was to partner up with Twitter to create what they are calling "Social Ratings". The new program will see what people are talking about on the social media site and then use that to better estimate what programs people are watching. I'm not sure if I should congratulate Nielsen on coming up with an even less accurate system than the one they currently have.

I can only assume these programmers don't actually know how the internet works. Snarky comments on the internet appear to be at an all-time high and no where is that more apparent than on Twitter. I love to read Tweets to see what people are talking about, but even Twitter's most ardent defenders will tell you that just because something is trending, that doesn't mean people are fans of it. If a person is the topic of conversation there is an above average chance they have either died, been fired or just did something very embarrassing. You almost never see the name of a show trending and discover it is just people telling you how much they enjoy the show. Actually, if you are going by reaction on Twitter most of the time it would feel like people are watching certain shows just so they can have fresh material to make fun of it later. So unless this program has a way to interpret sarcasm, it will start reporting that "Whitney" is the highest-rated show in history. Also, I wonder what this will do to shows whose fans aren't exactly tech-savvy. It's a little like how the safe, sensitive-looking guy always wins "American Idol" because the only people voting are 13 year-old girls. This would definitely tip the scales to shows with younger viewers. All I'm saying is that if "NCIS" suddenly plummets in the ratings I don't think it will be because people suddenly decided they had enough of Navy-themed crime.

So, they didn't get the program right. Still, I appreciate Nielsen's effort to come into the next century. Given all the options people have to watch shows on their phones or whenever else they want, it makes sense to try and use new technology to measure viewers. What I think they should be focusing on instead of the number of people watching shows live is the program's DVR activity and not just which shows are being recorded. There should be a simple way to let networks know which shows are actually being watched because that will let you know what shows people are truly loyal to. Lots of people record shows and then never get around to watching them for one reason or another. But, if you really enjoy a show you will find a way to carve an hour out of your night to catch up on the latest episode. To me that type of commitment to a show is a much better barometer than just recording what TVs are tuned to which channels, because for all the recorder knows the person with the remote in their hand simply couldn't find anything else to watch or fell asleep due to lack of entertainment. It would be a real shame if going forward terrible shows were allowed to stay on the air for multiple seasons as a result of boring their viewers into submission, because I'm pretty sure this is how "According to Jim" was allowed to last as long as it did.

Hall Call

A few weeks ago I mentioned the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nominations had come out. Well, the ballots have finally been counted and this year's class has been announced. As most people expected, Rush was finally voted in after a long wait (too long, if you ask their fans) but after that the inductees were as surprising and eclectic as ever. This year's class will also include Heart, Public Enemy, Albert King, Randy Newman, Donna Summer and producers Lou Adler and Quincy Jones. As I said when they made the list of final nominees, I never felt like Rush was a first-ballot kind of band but they should have gotten in well before now. That being said, Rush finally getting inducted is not what caught my eye at this news. Reading the members of this year's class I couldn't help but wonder how Quincy Jones wasn't already in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. I mean, the guy worked with Sinatra and Michael Jackson - he should have gotten in by association well before this point. I feel the same way about Randy Newman. Some people say his songs all sound too similar, but since when is a distinctive voice a problem? Even if you don't like the music he creates for his albums you simply have to respect the his trophy case - 20 Oscar nominations (2 wins) as well as 3 Emmys to go with his 5 Grammys. You won't find many people with that much musical talent.

Of course, this goes back to the question of why it took so long for these two performers to get the call into the Hall. I know every Hall of Fame in the world is going to have one or two names slip through the cracks, but the Rock & Roll Hall seems to have more questionable late additions than most. I can't help but wonder if the name of the place is creating a giant level of bias. Even his most die-hard supporters will agree that while Randy Newman may be a lot of things, Rock & Roll is not one of them. I know the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame isn't supposed to just honor rock musicians (mostly because the definition of what constitutes 'rock' music can vary wildly from one person to another) but I can see why putting it on the marquee would cause confusion. It is like when people forget that the Basketball Hall of Fame is not just for professional basketball. There is a Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville, which may lead some people to think every genre has its own Hall, but that isn't the case. The Hall in Cleveland is pretty much supposed to be all-encompassing, but so far they haven't been doing a very good job of it. I'm all for giving the rock guys their due, but not if you are going to ignore other worthy musicians to do it.

Weekly Sporties

-You may remember a couple weeks back when I told you that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell had asked the previous Commissioner, Paul Tagliabue, to take over the appeals process for the seemingly-endless scandal involving several New Orleans Saints in an alleged extra-pay-for-big-hits program. At the time the players were skeptical whether or not Tagliabue would be able to stay impartial, especially since he was Goodell's former boss. Well, it turns out they shouldn't have worried, because this week Tagliabue threw out all the Bounty-Gate suspensions. Basically, he said that there was evidence the players had participated in the program, but that it was all the fault of the coaches. To me, this was Tagliabue trying to cover for his friend Goodell, who clearly over-stepped his authority, while also desperately trying to get this story over with once and for all. I've said it before, but the players insistence that nothing like this ever happened is laughable, especially when you consider the Saints' coaches and GM admitted as much. Also, this idea that it was all management pushing this along is just as crazy, because these are not college kids we are talking about - these are grown men and NFL vets who should know better. Still, at the end of the day I'm just glad this is over with. Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma says he plans to continue with his defamation suit against Roger Goodell, but considering I'm not sure you will be able to find 12 people who actually think he was defamed tells me that should be thrown out as well. Hopefully the Saints will now be able to focus on what really matters - fixing that defense, because that secondary wasn't getting them to the playoffs this year, I don't care which players were on the field.

-Now, if you think Roger Goodell was just going to allow this potential embarrassment to linger in the news, you clearly don't know the master of distraction. Less than two days after the suspensions were tossed out, Goodell announced he is thinking about expanding the NFL playoffs. Currently, only 12 out of the league's 32 teams make the playoffs every year. Goodell would like to see that number rise to 14 or maybe 16 within a couple of years. Usually I would wait until the full proposal has been unleashed to render my judgement on it, but even without seeing exactly what the Commissioner has in mind, I feel confident in saying this is a bad idea. One of the great things about the NFL is that there are only so many regular season games and even fewer playoff spots to be won - it makes every game feel more important. Expanding to the point where half the league is going to make the playoffs pretty much defeats the purpose of the regular season. You don't have to look any further than the NBA and NHL, which have similar teams-to-playoff team ratios and their regular seasons feature large chunks of the games which barely matter. On top of that, Goodell has to ask himself if there are really that many teams worthy of playoff spots every year. Take this season's AFC races - will anyone really be excited if an 8-8 Jets team everyone knew was losing in the first round was included? A couple years ago a 7-9 Seattle team got into the playoffs for winning the worst division in league history and everyone was mad about it. If this measure is passed you can bet you will see a lot more teams with sub-.500 records playing into January just to fill out the line-up. Sure, it would be great the one time a random low-seed caught fire and made a run, but most of the time they would be dismissed quickly and it would almost be like they were never there. So, I say make it be that they were actually never there and just leave the playoffs alone. Still I have to admit, as distraction techniques go, this one was pretty good.

-Going into the baseball offseason, Texas Rangers slugger Josh Hamilton was seen as the big prize. However, given his off-field past is filled with drug and alcohol addiction, there were fewer teams interested in signing him than expected, so the buzz about where he would end up was rather quiet. Seattle was said to be very interested, but given their ballpark and current players it would have taken an overwhelming offer to get Hamilton to become a Mariner. All signs were that he would find his way back to Texas eventually. Personally, I expected him to have to wait until after the New Year, when the teams looking to make a big splash get desperate and tend to loosen their wallets, to get a contract offer he liked. But, shockingly, on Thursday afternoon Hamilton signed with the Los Angeles Angels for 5 years and $125 million. Given the way they spent money last year and got nothing to show for it, baseball experts were not expecting the Angels to be buyers two years in a row. The thing you have to remember is that sports teams' rivals are actually the other teams in their own city far more than the teams in their divisions, so I can only surmise all the moves the Dodgers made had the Angels nervous. Now, you can question if Hamilton's history of addiction and the fact that he has only played in smaller markets or ones where baseball is not that important make his move to Los Angeles a bad idea. But he will be in the same clubhouse as Albert Pujols and Mike Trout, so you could argue that there will actually be less pressure on Hamilton here than there would be in almost any other city. Even if he has a down year, it won't be as obvious when the team is scoring 7 runs a game. At least, they had better hope they score that many because they certainly didn't improve their rotation this year, which means a lot of 8-6 games are coming. I guess the Angels plan to fall back on that newest of baseball beliefs: if you can't out-pitch them, you had better hope you can out-hit them.

-Even though it feels like the NBA season just started, the All-Star game is rapidly approaching. The first group of ballots have been turned in and as you would expect guys like LeBron James and Kobe Bryant lead the voting. In fact if the game started tomorrow the starting line-ups for both conferences, which are decided by the fans, would be exclusively made up of players from the biggest markets and marquee teams - it's all Lakers, Celtics, Knicks, Clippers and members of the Heat. What is interesting is that Jeremy Lin of the Houston Rockets is not that far from cracking the line-up, despite not being able to duplicate the statistics he generated last season during 'Linsanity.' A lot of people are saying it is because he is the most visible Asian player in a league that is increasingly marketed in places like China. If that were the case it would hardly be a new phenomemon. When Yao Ming was still playing he would get voted into the starting line-up of the All-Star game every single year, regardless of stats or whether he had even played a game that year. (I do think the argument that "Asian fans vote for Asian players" is a bit of a lazy assumption, but I can't deny there may be something to it.) If Lin does eventually overtake the leading vote-getters, he would hardly be the first player voted into an All-Star game based on popularity instead of merit and that is a much larger problem than wondering who is stuffing the ballot boxes. I know I complain about this every year, but I wouldn't care so much if it weren't for the fact that all the basketball people say it is nothing more than an exhibition, but then use All-Star appearances when discussing a players Hall of Fame credentials. You simply can't have it both ways. Either it is meaningless, in which case who cares who is on the team, or it is a true measure of a players career, in which case we can't leave it in the hands of drunk homers. This continued straddling of the line between the two is infuriating.

-Lost in all the football-driven college conference realignment is the fact that there are far more schools that play basketball than play football. I always wondered what the non-football playing members of conferences thought when they heard they would be forced to increase their travel costs to fly across the country to play all their new conference 'rivals.' Well, it appears this week I got my answer and it is that they are mad as hell and they aren't going to take it anymore. Seven of the Big East basketball-only schools (Georgetown, Providence, DePaul, Marquette, St. John's, Seton Hall and Villanova) have decided to leave and are talking about joining with the basketball-only schools in the Atlantic 10 to form a mega-conference. Personally, I think this is a great idea. Honestly, what does a school like Seton Hall get out of being in the same conference as Temple? Now, immediately people began to wonder how this was going to work, because a basketball-only conference would get a much smaller TV deal than the football-driven one these schools are ditching in the Big East (and, lest we forget, TV deals are where all the money is and college athletics is all about the money). However, while it is true that the pie they would be cutting into would be much smaller, you have to remember that it is also much cheaper to have a basketball team than a football team. You don't need nearly as many facilities, you aren't giving out as many scholarships or travelling as many players. Plus, the football schools were not even giving them equal shares. So, it boils down to simple economics: making less is easier to swallow when you are spending less. The only question now is whether the 7 schools will take the Big East name with them. Considering Georgetown is one of the few remaining founding member of the league I think they have a legitimate claim to it. Besides, the football schools may as well let them have it, because I don't think they will need it for much longer anyway.

-As I have said before, I think the college football coaching hiring system is broken. If coaches want to have any shot at recruiting players to their new school, they must leave their current job while their players are preparing for a bowl game and the kids they have been wooing all year who were getting close to making a decision must now reconsider everything. It is truly unfair to the players, but can you really fault anyone for wanting a better job, regardless of their profession? The reality is that while it is a bad way of doing things, it is a product of how the calendar sets up and I can't think of a better way to configure it. That being said, coaches can still handle it a hell of a lot better than Tommy Tuberville did. Tuberville, the head coach at Texas Tech until last week, was having dinner with several Tech recruits. Reports from one of those recruits say that Tuberville got up in the middle of dinner and never returned. The next day he was named head coach at the University of Cincinnati. [Sidebar: Remember last week I questioned if Bret Bielema leaving Wisconsin for Arkansas was the most questionable coaching move of the year? Well, Tuberville has to be the new leader in the clubhouse. It's not that I think Tech is a better job but, as we just talked about, the Big East is disintegrating. What good is coaching the best team in a league that has four teams and is spread all over the country?] Now, Tuberville obviously couldn't tell these kids about his chances at the job because what if he didn't get it and the kids were scared into playing elsewhere? What he should have done was accepted the job, but asked if Cincinnati could wait a couple days to announce it. Or at the very least until everyone had finished whatever that brought home in the doggy bag. Either way, Cincinnati should not expect any loyalty from him going forward.

-I've always said that if I won hundreds of millions of dollars in a lottery, I would like to buy my own golf course. Nothing too extravagant - just a nice course where I could keep the price low and help grow the game. I wouldn't even want to buy a course with designs of eventually holding a PGA Tour event. However, to a lot of golf course owners, hosting a PGA event is worth its weight in gold. If you can promote your course as a place where the pros have played you can jack up prices as high as you want and there will be people willing to pay it. That is what makes the story about a course in Australia all the more puzzling. The Palmer Coolum course has held the Australia PGA Championship for over a decade, but the course was recently bought by an eccentric millionaire who made a few changes. The most notable of these changes was that he put a 26-foot high, motion-activated, mechanical T-Rex in between the 9th and 10th holes. The players say they wouldn't mind it, but in addition to moving, the T-Rex lets out a very loud roar every now and again, occasionally during their backswings. This is just the first of many changes, as the owner says he wants to add more dinosaurs and eventually build a replica of the Titanic on the grounds. The PGA of Australia countered this by saying they will look for a new place to hold the Championship going forward. Now, I get that it is this man's course and if he wants to turn it into a dinosaur-theme resort that is his right, but if you want dinosaurs on every hole of your golf course why not buy a mini-golf course and save some money? It's like buying an expensive painting and then putting sticker on it. Obviously Australian golf fans are not happy with his actions but considering I was never going to play there anyway, I'm far more offended at the fact he has decided to reenact scenes from "CaddyShack 2". That movie sucked.