All That Glitters Is Not Gold

With all due respect to all the wonderful and thoughtful gifts I received this Christmas, the best one of all is probably the new desk chair that I got from my parents. Since I work from home and spend more time chained to my computer than is probably healthy, this chair will get a lot of use and probably do wonders for my back. However, the main reason this gift is at the top of my list is because it is exactly the kind of gift I would never have bought for myself and I feel like that should be the goal when you do any kind of holiday shopping. You see, there was nothing wrong with the chair I was currently using. Sure, the padding had worn a little thin and as such I was sitting on an extra foam pad that didn't look particularly nice but the great thing about chairs is that until the legs break you can still sit in them. And yes, the wheels had started to lose some of the ball bearings which made the chair not roll along as easily but when you remember the chair was sitting on carpet to begin with and had nowhere to roll it is not like the chair no longer worked. Basically it was functional but not much else and I was in the "I hope this breaks so I can replace it" phase. That is why I was not shopping for a new desk chair but was not about to turn this one down. It also helps that it is high-backed with very soft leather, making it one of the most comfortable seats in my house. My father had even gone the extra step of putting it together for me so I didn't have to do that. There was just one issue with that, which is you can't really wrap a chair which has been assembled. Instead they just stuck a bow on it which would have been great, only the bow they picked was covered with that most obnoxious of substances - gold glitter.

At first I didn't think it was a big deal, until I took the bow off the seat and discovered the bow had a shedding problem. The chair had a nice coating of glitter on the seat and even though I tried wiping it off I knew there was no way I had gotten it all. Basically all I succeeded in doing was getting my hand covered in glitter, which was totally expected. As anyone who has ever been within 200 yards of glitter will tell you, this stuff not only gets everywhere it is then impossible to get rid of. Since my family features four little girls we have bought more than our fair share of pink and glittery items over the last six years and are well acquainted with the knowledge that no amount of vacuuming will ever mean you are truly rid of it. Perfect example: two of my nieces were Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz" for Halloween, complete with their own ruby red slippers, which were really just normal shoes with red glitter on them. They came up to my parents house before Halloween to show off their costumes and even now, two months and about half a dozen visits from the cleaning lady later, you can still catch an occasional glimpse of a red sparkle in the carpet. I think the only way the glitter will ever truly be gone would be to get a new carpet and even then I am not sure it would work because no doubt a couple of specks would hide under the carpet pad and wait for the new one to arrive before coming back out. But, lest you think the issue with glitter is contained to one or two rooms occasionally you will seem a piece in a room of the house that the ladies were never in while wearing their costumes, proving that glitter is a little like a tic in that it will hitch a ride with anyone who happens to pass by with someplace to attach itself.

With that in mind I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when after having in my new chair around for a few days I started to find specks of gold all around my bedroom. Now, I don't want it to sound like there are huge clumps of gold glitter everywhere. It is just a few specks here and there, but to be honest that may be worse. If the glitter was in a couple big clumps I could attack it with gusto but by only having a couple specks at odd corners of my room I am unlikely to ever see it when I am cleaning and have absolutely no chance of finding it a second time after leaving the room to grab the vacuum on those few occasions when the light brings them to my attention for a half-second. Glitter also has a the ability to settle in the corners which never get more than a passing vacuum, so it will be there for years. But, more annoying than seeing and then not seeing the glitter is the fact that the stuff has started to spread to pieces of clothing I have worn since getting the chair because I did a load of laundry which included the pants I wore on Christmas and the glitter attached itself to some of the shirts that were part of that load. I would be more inclined to accept my fate if it would just stick to my pants but now several of my shirts are sparkly. Every now and again the light will catch me at just the right angle and suddenly part of my arm looks like a disco ball. I tried going online and doing a quick internet search for the best ways to remove glitter from my life (if you are wondering they recommend going after it with one of those sticky lint rollers) but just like with my father and his squirrel issue it appears that there is no best solution.

Obviously this is one of those things which will never be anything more than a minor annoyance. The only reason is it even worth noting is that a quick Google search for glitter removal yields around 1.3 million results. While this makes me feel better that I am far from the only person frustrated with this substance, the bigger question is why will still allow it to exist in the first place. Sure, there are plenty of substances which are annoying but at least they serve a purpose. For example, bleach ruins clothes and has to be kept under lock and key if you have children in the home but when properly used nothing gets your clothes as white and allows you to feel like your shower has never been cleaner. Let's be honest, glitter serves no purpose. Hell, even the movie "Glitter" was the worst thing ever. Sure, the substance itself is eye-catching but there are many ways something can be designed to draw the human eye to it and those techniques don't remain in your life for weeks. Most of the things which are covered in glitter could come without that glitter and the product would not suffer. (I'm am sure there is a connection between the fact that most things featuring glitter are intended for children and dramatic women.) I can only assume it is thrown in because it is cheap and the manufacturers figure giving it away is the only way to keep their own factories glitter-free. Well, I say in the future we should start working harder to avoid putting glitter where it doesn't belong, which is anywhere. You may say this is going to put the producers of glitter out of business but at the end of the day I think they will be happy to not have to work with it anymore. Besides if they ever get sad about it they can just look somewhere on their floor and I am sure they will see enough glitter to be reminded of why this had to happen. The memories, much like the glitter in their carpets, will last a lifetime.