Like Father, Like Son

If you read this blog during the summer/fall than you probably remember reading about my father's many attempts to keep the squirrels off the bird feeder in the back yard. As you would expect, the feeders were put out to attract all the various species of birds which are in the area but every time my parents looked out the window rather than see a robin or blue jay they would see a squirrel hanging upside down and stuffing its face with birdseed. This lead to my father trying many different tactics he saw on the internet to keep the squirrels away. First he went simple - using a stronger but thinner test of wire to hold the feeder, thinking it was too thin for the squirrels to climb down. He was right in that they didn't climb down - instead they gnawed through it in short order. Next he bought a very expensive "squirrel shield" which guaranteed it would keep the squirrels out of the feeder - a guarantee which failed after a day. After that he went nuclear, cutting a hole in a bucket and covering 90% of the bird feeder so only small birds could fly up. But even that didn't work because they squirrels found a way around that as well, leaving him with defense which not only didn't work it didn't look very nice either. The point was, no matter what my father did he couldn't keep the damn squirrels off the bird feeder. In the end he essentially conceded defeat by refusing to fill the feeder anymore (which the mice in the shed appreciated). I fully expect him to spend the winter coming up with a new defense plan and after this afternoon it is pretty apparent that I will have to be in those strategy meetings with him.

My favorite Christmas decoration to do every year is to run an extension cord from the house to the back of the yard, where I wrap the two random pine trees at the edge of the property in Christmas lights, one in white lights and one in a multi-colored strand. The white tree is small and therefore easy. I have never had an issue with it. The multi-colored strand is not as cooperative. In my head it will end up looking something like this but my first few attempts were not what you would qualify as successful. The first year I simply didn't have enough lights, which meant the tree was more sad than majestic. The next year I had enough lights but I still wasn't happy because I bought the tiny lights which go on your standard Christmas tree. That works fine inside the home but when the tree is going to be the only source of light in the darkness I wanted them to be much brighter. The next year I upgraded to the big glass Christmas lights with disastrous results. As it turns out the brand I bought wouldn't allow you to put two strands together without blowing a fuse. It took me about six trips to the hardware store to buy spare fuses before I finally caught on and figured out a way to align the lights with an outdoor power strip. It wasn't perfect by any stretch but it was a little better. Last year I thought I finally figured out the best way to rig up the lights with big, heavy-duty LED ones which could have as many as 500 in a row and been seen from several houses away. When I first lit the tree up last year everything was perfect... and it only stayed that way for about two weeks. Right after Christmas I lost half a strand of lights, then half of the other before the entire thing went dark on me. I thought it was the same fuse problem as the last brand of lights, which was frustrating but I was still pretty pleased because I figured I had the recipe, now it was just a matter of getting the right mix. I should have known this was not going to be that easy.

My first hint there was trouble afoot came over the summer, right around when my father was dealing with his squirrel issues. I was out mowing the lawn and discovered one of the bulbs from the lights in the middle of the lawn, nowhere near the tree. (You see, I bought the heavy-duty lights because I wanted to leave the lights on the tree all year. In my head this tree is going to get huge and I will just keep adding strands to the bottom rather than have to re-string it every year. If all goes according to plan (which seems increasingly unlikely) I will eventually have a 20-foot Christmas tree in my back yard.) I certainly wasn't happy about it but figured it was knocked off by all the heavy snowfall last winter and eventually blown by Mother Nature to that spot. It wasn't until I found a couple more and noticed tiny teeth marks in the plastic that I could finally admit to myself it was probably some damn squirrels. These idiots were mistaking the bulbs for fruit and then trying to bury them all over my yard. Through the summer I found about 6 bulbs and dutifully collected them. I was pretty sure the lights were supposed to work even if one or two lights fell off but thought that once the lights were working again I would try and find where they fell off an reattach them. I had meant to get my lights fixed well before now but Christmas decorating has kind of gotten away from me and with the first serious snowfall of the season expected to arrive tomorrow night it was now or never. I headed out this afternoon, thinking the whole thing would take me 10 minutes since I already had the replacement fuses. It turned out to take even less time than that, but not for the reasons you are thinking.

I started by plugging in the lights, hoping they would light up for the hell of it but that obviously didn't happen. Working my way back through the wire I quickly found out why - not 10 feet in the strand was completely broken. As if that wasn't bad enough the line was broken a second time roughly 10 feet later and a third time about 30 feet after that. At this point it finally occurred to me that squirrels are not precise with their cuts and wouldn't just cut the wire near the bulb they think is fruit - they'd cut the whole thing and not care about the consequences. Clearly, this was not something which could be repaired even if I had wanted to fix the strand, which I obviously didn't. (My father always says that sometimes you have to decide which is more valuable: the time would spend fixing certain items or the money you would spend to replace that item. Considering you can buy a cheap strand of Christmas lights for $3 they are at the top of that list.) I quickly changed tactics and tried fooling myself into thinking the second strand of lights would be better, that the squirrels wouldn't be able to get that high because the branches are too thin to support their weight. A clean break in the second strand after about 20 feet quickly put an end to that. After that I just pulled the remaining lights off the tree since they were obviously useless to me now. The remaining question is whether I should bother to put lights on this tree at all or if I should continue to put the lights on (which would have to be done early tomorrow) but take them down after the holiday because I certainly don't want to have to keep buying new lights every year. At this point I think the obvious solution is that I can't keep doing what I have been doing. Not only because it isn't working but because expecting anyone in my family to come up with an effective defense against a few squirrels would be a real Christmas miracle.