...And It's Ruined

Saturday night I ventured out with a couple of buddies to the Atlantic Beer Garden, located on Boston's waterfront. We picked this bar specifically for it's location on the water, because there is no better spot to be than on a roofdeck in Boston on a warm, spring evening. The view of the city lit up on a gorgeous night was awesome and reminded me why I really don't ever want to live anywhere else.

The only problem was the music. Admittedly, I've fallen out of the music scene in the past couple of years. While I used to be plugged in with who the new up-and-coming musical acts were, now I've got no idea who half these bands even are, as evidenced by the fact that the majority of the bar was signing along to a song I've never heard before. Personally, I blame the terrible crop of DJs that Boston has to offer. Most of them are so boring I would rather listen to the same songs on my iPod versus some old guy trying to sound hip while the in-studio babe tries not to sound like an idiot. [Sidebar: the in-studio babe is a staple of morning radio which I have never understood, because who cares how hot she is... it's radio. She could be the most attractive woman in the world and it does me no good.]

It wouldn't be so bad if my displeasure at the music was simply a product of my laziness in not working hard enough to stay connected to the music scene. I could live with that. But the far more disturbing thing was when I would start to hear the opening riff of a song I actually knew and loved... only to hear it quickly under-cut by a techno baseline. Now, I have long been an opponent of techno music. I simply don't get the appeal of the same baseline thumping into my ears over and over again for 15 minutes at a time, sounding as if the CD was a scratch. But, I also understand my musical tastes may not be for everyone, so I was willing to leave techno alone. All I ever wanted was for them to respect my music in the same way. But they don't. The new thing is to take a rock song from the mid-90s and early 00s and give it a techno 'remix'. The DJs who do this tell you it is because they want to "freshen up" the song. (Please note, they did not say "improve.")

I don't like remixing songs any more than I like re-making movies. In both cases I find the attempt by one person to make something better in their eyes usually ends up wrecking the original for the rest of us. I just want to know who told these people that what they were doing was a good idea. Did no one stand up to them and say, "Honestly, it's fine the way it is. Why don't you try making something new and creative on your own?" (I'll answer my own question here: it's because they don't know how to actually be original, which is why they get a job playing everyone else's music for a living.)

Look, I know that this practice is just going to continue no matter what I say, so I'll offer this compromise to the remix DJs out there: leave pre-2000 music alone. I'm giving you 11 years worth of music to take and shape however you wish, just stop messing with the good stuff. Half the music that comes out today is pretty bad, so you can't really screw it up. Who knows, maybe you can take a song that flopped and turn it into a hit without the young people in the bar realising it had been released before. I'm sure the one-hit wonders can use the royalty checks a lot more than Guns 'N Roses anyway.

The Perfect Holiday?

When everyone sits around and discusses their favorite holiday, Thanksgiving and Christmas are usually the first two off the board. This is, of course, understandable. Who doesn't love two days where the central themes are eating, family as well as gift-giving and gift-receiving? After that come the other big-name holidays like the Fourth of July and Labor Day. However, in thinking about it over what was a great weekend, I'm left wondering why more people don't list Memorial Day as their third-favorite holiday. If you consider all the factors, it has everything you need.

First off, it is one of those day 95% of the country has off, so you can make plans. Many companies will designate non-Christmas and Thanksgiving holidays as 'floating' holidays, so half the time you are unsure if people will have Presidents' Day off (and, really, unless you've actually been the President then you should stop complaining and get to work). However, unless you work in the food-service industry or some other entertainment venue looking to cash in on everyone else having the day off, you probably have the day free. Also, I appreciate that Memorial Day doesn't come with any real obligations. No couple has ever spent the run up to Memorial Day fighting about which set of parents' house they have to go to first. I like my holidays to be low-key and this is about as low-key as you can go. You can go to a barbecue, host a barbecue, or you can't do neither and stay home.

Memorial Day also has no real theme, which I appreciate. As such, you can celebrate it however you wish. There is enough Patriotism that you should thank a veteran, but not so much that you feel guilty if your house is not awash in Red, White and Blue like people think it has to be on the Fourth. The entire day is about moderation. There are parades, but they aren't the marathons that come with Independence Day - it's a small band, the local tee-ball teams and a few local veterans. The whole experience is over in thirty minutes (like a parade should be).

Plus, it marks the unofficial start of summer, which is always nice. There is a little extra pep in everybody's step on Memorial Day because it means that summer vacations is right around the corner. This is where it wins versus Labor Day because while the holidays are just about equal weather-wise (hot without being oppressive), Labor Day marks the end of summer and means snow will start before you know it, which is kind of a bummer (and this from a guy who loves snow). So, let me just say thank you to all the Veterans out there. To everyone else, enjoy the holiday, it may be as close to the perfect holiday as you can get.

For The Bruins

Don't worry, I'm not hopping on the bandwagon. I've said it before: I have too much respect for the Bruins fans in this town to do that to them. This is their moment. (Although I would like to add, even though I would rather go to a Celtics game 10 out of 10 times, the music is so much better at hockey games.) I just want to give the team and their fans the credit they deserve.

I've always contended that Bruins fans are among the most loyal in this city because while everyone talks about the Red Sox not winning the World Series for 86 years, at least they were trying. For the past 20 years the Bruins ownership wouldn't even put a serious effort into it; they would always settle for the third or fourth best free-agent or the over-the-hill player with the big name who signed for cheap. Yet, the Bruins fans would always show up, 8 or 9 thousand strong, despite knowing full well they had no chance in hell of winning the Cup that year. It's one thing to support a team run by idiots who try and fail, like the Patriots did until the Krafts showed up, it's entirely another to live and die for a team who's owner could spend money and simply won't.

So no, I'm not going to turn into one of those fans who started watching hockey 15 minutes ago, yet claims to know how to fix the Bruin's power-play woes and thinks wearing a brand-new Tim Thomas shirt will be enough to fool the diehards. At the end of the day I want the Bruins to win, but I'm not going to lose any sleep if they don't, and I know that is enough to make me unworthy to join the celebration. My inclusion (or any other bandwagon-jumpers) would only cheapen the experience. Instead I'm just going to say Congratulations, good luck against Vancouver and enjoy the ride.

Weekly Sporties

-Yesterday, 17 year-old Jordan Spieth of Dallas made the cut at the Byron Nelson Championship for the second straight year. Now, Jordan is scheduled to be a freshman at the University of Texas next year and as such he can't keep any prize money he makes this weekend (last year he would have walked away with roughly $90,000). Therefore, you might think that Spieth would be tempted to forgo school, take the money and turn pro. Now, normally this would be where I tell Spieth that he's played this course hundreds of times and because of that he has a tremendous advantage over his fellow competitors, he shouldn't judge himself by how he plays this one week and that going to school for a couple of years would make him a far better player in the long-run. Only, I don't need to say any of that because Jordan said pretty much exactly that in an interview Friday afternoon. He seems exceptionally grounded. For once I have high hopes a teen prodigy is going to turn out ok.

-On Monday Fred Wilpon, the owner of the New York Mets, gave an interview in which he categorized several of the Mets players as over-priced and under-performing. That's all well and good for a guy hosting a show on New York sports talk radio, but probably unwise for the guy who owns the team. After all he's the guy who put this team together, so he's essentially saying, "Hey, everyone, I did a terrible job." Honesty only gets you so far in sports management. Not to mention the other potential impact. While he doesn't have to worry about pissing off the current Mets players because, frankly, he's not wrong when he says they mostly stink, he should worry about how he's going to look to other potential free-agents the team may want to go after. No one wants to play for a guy who's an idiot and a loudmouth.

-Then again it may not matter because the Wilpons might not own the team that much longer anyway. Not only did they lose a ton of money in the Bernie Madoff scheme, but they are now being sued by people who lost even more than they did, claiming the Wilpons knew what was going on and did nothing. As it is, they already had to sell 49% of their team this week for a reported $200 million, a figure which makes it sound like they were desperate for the cash. I know $200 million sounds like a lot of money, but if you can get 49% for $200 million, quick math leads me to believe the entire team would only cost $400 million. This is a team in the largest media market in the world, so even though they take a back seat to the Yankees, it still seems awfully cheap. (For perspective, the Houston Astros were recently sold for $680 million.) You know, I'm not sure if the Wilpons are smart enough to pull off a multi-billion dollar Ponzi scheme.

-One last baseball note: it was announced that former Giant Barry Bonds is going to pay for the college educations for the children of Bryan Stow, a Giant fan beaten into a coma by a group of rival fans after attending a Giants game against the Dodgers in Los Angeles. Some in the media have accused Bonds of simply doing this to get some good publicity after his very public and embarrassing trial for lying to a grand jury. Personally, I'm almost positive that is what Bonds is doing. I'm also positive I don't care. That family is going to be swamped with medical bills, they'll take whatever help they can. Even if Bonds is only doing it as a PR stunt at least someone other than Bonds will benefit. It's like that old saying: if you are going to pretend to be someone you're not, at least pretend to be someone nice.

-A couple days ago someone leaked the story that Danica Patrick is going to begin a two-year plan following this year's Indianapolis 500 that would phase her out of Indy car and into NASCAR full-time by 2012. I'm sorry, but am I the only one who is sick of this girl? I mean, she hasn't won anything at her current racing level except one race that no other elite drivers showed up at. Shouldn't she at least prove she can drive successfully before she gets a raise? This isn't even failing up, this is not even trying and still moving up the ladder.

-While we're on the subject of racing, NASCAR driver Kyle Busch was pulled over this week while going 128 mph. I don't have a joke for this, I'm just really surprised it doesn't happen all the damn time. I go too fast transitioning from off the highway to streets with traffic signals, I have no idea how you go from being able to drive 200 mph to suddenly being asked to keep it under 65.

-So, former Cavaliers coach Mike Brown was hired as the new Lakers coach and most people don't think it's going to be a good fit. I disagree. One of the hardest thing about coaching superstars in the NBA is learning that they are really the ones in charge because coaches are much easier to replace. Well, Mike Brown already coached LeBron James, so he'll be used to it when Kobe completely ignores what he drew up in the huddle to go 1-on-5. It's like buying sneakers that have already been broken in. Saves a ton of time.

-Nets forward Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian got engaged the other day when Kris game Kim a diamond ring worth $2 million dollars. If I could speak to Kris for a second: Dude, I've shopped for an engagement ring before - it's supposed to be 2 months salary, not 2/3 of a year's salary. And, I hate to break it to you buddy, but this isn't gonna work out. You don't make enough to support this girl. You're a marginal NBA forward who will be lucky to get a contract next season and marrying a girl who comes with her own camera crew isn't going to help you in free agency. (Teams hate distractions.) Meanwhile, one of the Kardashian sisters already came out and said your wedding would rival the Royal Wedding. Does that sound like a girl who knows how to save money for the impending lockout? As Chris Rock once said, women become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and I'm not sure you can keep Kim at the level she expects. You're about to spend your entire rookie contract on a wedding that is going to be annulled within six months. Think this through.

Faking Humility

Early this morning former Bulls player Scottie Pippen was being interviewed on ESPN radio when he said that while Michael Jordan was the best scorer NBA history (the implication of the word scorer being that Jordan wasn't an all-around player), given his size, athleticism and skill someday LeBron James could very well go on to be considered the greatest player ever. As you can imagine, basketball purists all over radio and TV went crazy.

At first listen I was outraged like everyone else because this statement is nuts. Jordan has six rings to James' zero and even if the Heat were to win the title this year, they are Dwayne Wade's team, not LeBron's (so, ironically, James would be playing the Pippen role). I mean, you can't be the best player ever when you openly admit in an interview that you weren't good enough to beat the Celtics without help. (I don't care how true it is, great players never admit weakness.) Either way, people couldn't figure out what Scottie's reasoning was behind saying something like this. Some thought maybe he and Jordan had a falling out. However, after thinking it through, I think I know what happened: Jordan told Pippen to do this.

In hearing this interview, I was reminded of a movie I once saw in which a fading TV actresses was in a mall with her personal assistant, feeling rather depressed because she was about to be replaced on her show by a younger actress. Her assistant, in an effort to cheer her up, pretended to just notice who she was standing next to and began flipping out like any other fan running into a celebrity would. The commotion she caused attracted the attention of several people nearby who were also very excited to see this famous actress and swarmed, looking for pictures and autographs. The once-depressed actress suddenly felt much better because she had gotten this attention and praise. Seeing the aftermath of Pippen's interview, I think he did this same move for Jordan.

The way I see it playing out, Jordan (who's ego is reportedly as massive as his skill on the court) has spent the past two seasons listening to everyone chirp how Kobe now has to be brought up in the discussions of the best players ever. (NBA fans are so fickle with this debate that whoever won most recently must be the greatest ever. Apparently to most of these idiots, the NBA didn't exist before 1994.) When the Lakers lost this season, MJ figured he was safe for another year. But over the past couple of weeks the Heat have become a beast of a team, with LeBron doing the majority of the heavy lifting. This has caused everyone to wonder just how good LeBron will be when all is said and done.

So my theory is that, not wanting his buddy's legacy to get swept under another tidal wave of over-praise should the Heat win the title, Pippen stepped out front and said something controversial about Jordan's place in history. And, because they are easily manipulated like sheep, all the NBA people came out in defense of Michael. All afternoon former player after former player was on TV saying that Pippen is crazy and no matter how good LeBron James may turn out to be, he'll never be as good as Michael Jeffery Jordan. I can only assume Jordan is sitting in a dark room thinking, "They still love me!" I think we should all be so lucky as to have a friend as loyal as Scottie Pippen.

A Crazy Story

My very first assignment in my very first journalism class in college was to write my own obituary. The reason is because the first news job most young journalists used to get out of college was writing obituaries (now most journalism majors don't even know where to find a newspaper). You see, obituaries are often very straight-forward stories and therefore are the easiest to write. [Sidebar #1: For the record my obituary had me falling from the balcony of the Boston Garden following a Celtic win and included a fake quote from my mother saying, "It was the way he would have wanted to go." My journalism professor told me I had to re-write because, "there is no place for humor in the obituaries." Never did like that guy.]

Anyway, while I may not have agreed with that premise, I do agree that the obituaries are often some of the most compelling stories in the newspaper. Take, for example, the case of Huguette Clark. Ms. Clark was a 104 year-old reclusive multi-millionaire, who's fortune at the time of her passing was estimated in the area of $350 million. Clark's vast fortune had netted her several expensive real estate properties, including a 42-room apartment on 5th Avenue in New York City, valued at $100 million, which she hadn't been in for 20 years and a mansion in Connecticut that she never set foot in. (Hey, she only had 104 years to get around to it.) Apparently her real love was expensive French dolls (I, and no doubt her neighbors, am just happy it wasn't cats), which she would only buy from one guy and even then she would only negotiate through a closed door. This is the kind of story that couldn't be made into a movie, because people wouldn't believe it.

The point is, everyone has a story to tell and even if the person they are written about never became famous, some of the greatest stories you've never heard are told in the obits. [Sidebar #2: I wish I could tell this was why they are often the first section most Irish people turn to, but that's not the reason why they are the Irish comics. It's because the obituaries are how Irish people keep score. Apparently, he who can go to the most wakes, wins.] That is why I'm glad most of these stories get told. It would be a shame if people outside the family never knew how amazing their friends and neighbors really were just because they were also modest (or reclusive). The old saying is that everyone gets 15 minutes of fame, and I think if you had to choose, it may as well be your last 15 minutes.

Greatest Speech Ever

Last week I wrote that the main goal of a commencement speech should be to entertain and keep it light. No one wants to be depressed on graduation day. Well, for the last couple of years Harvard has been trying to do it both ways. On Class Day, the day before graduation, they have an actor, comedian or television personality come in and make everybody laugh. They follow that up by having a serious speaker on the day of the actual commencement. For example, this year they had "Parks and Recreation" star Amy Poehler speak at Class Day and tomorrow's Commencement address will be given by the first female President of Liberia. As you can imagine, I would much rather just go to Class Day.

That was especially true in 2000 when Conan O'Brien, at what I would argue was the peak of his comedy powers, came in to speak at Class Day. What followed was fantastic and hilarious, but I only was able to get the transcripts. You see, this was all the way back in 2000, before everyone recorded everything and posted it on the Internet within 4 hours. Or so I thought.

Imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon a bootleg copy of Conan's speech on YouTube. I present it to you now. Some of the jokes might be dated, but the main comedy holds up 11 years later. That's when you know it's good writing.

Another Wrong Prediction

In an interview that aired over the weekend, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis spoke grimly about all the bad things that will happen if the NFL lockout continues into the fall and eventually causes the cancellation of games or, God forbid, the entire NFL season. And the thing is, Ray wasn't just talking about bad tidings for the league or even the individual players, he meant the entire United States. Lewis predicted that crime rates would skyrocket and there would be far more arrests and evil in the world. When asked why no football on Sundays would mean more crime, Lewis looked at the interview and simply said, "Because there is nothing else to do."

To me this says a lot more about Ray Lewis, who, if you have never seen him interviewed before, definitely has some evangelical preacher in him. I understand that Lewis has lived, breathed and bled football since he was a kid, but this sounds like he has begun to take himself and the game far too seriously. Just because sports fans might not be able to go out and watch people beat the hell out of each other for three hours on 17 Sundays in the fall it doesn't mean the country is about to turn into some post-apocalyptic society. The world appears to survive the normal, regularly-scheduled football off-season months just fine. We love football, everyone knows that, but it doesn't make the world turn.

The way I see it, criminals are criminals, no matter what they have for viewing options on Sunday afternoons. This logic is the same reason I get so mad at the people who think rap lyrics or heavy metal make someone act out; violent people are going to be violent whether they are listen to Beethoven or Slayer. I have never put serious planning into committing a crime and I highly doubt not being able to see the Jaguars play the Lions is going to cause me to change my thinking. Conversely, if someone wants to break into a house they aren't going to be dissuaded just because it's the week the Raiders play the Broncos. If he honestly thinks that football is all that stands between us and chaos, perhaps Ray Lewis should take a good, hard look the circle of friends he runs with.

Also, I hate to break this to Mr. Lewis, but sports fans are an adaptable bunch. We have to be - teams and players move at the drop of a hat. Trade my favorite player? Eh, I'll just adopt another guy I don't really know as my new favorite guy. Lockout professional football? Hey, I'll still have college football to get my fix with. Some people are concerned with how Fantasy Football might be affected and what this could do to that multi-million dollar industry. People, you can play fantasy GOLF. Guys that determined can make anything into fantasy sports. You don't think there is a guy in a darkened room right now, trying to figure a way to turn college football into a viable fantasy option? We'll find a way to make it work.

I also take exception to Lewis's claim that there is "nothing else" to do on Sundays in the fall. I for one would probably get a lot more done if I have a Sunday free. There is always some home improvement project I have been putting off for far too long. Actually, I would be more active because fall is the best time for golf here in New England. And the people who spend time at work betting in football pools or adjusting their fantasy rosters could actually get some work done. I'm not saying I would rather spend my Sundays in a museum, but I am saying that there was a time before we all became football-crazy and we managed to make it through to the other side.

So, no, Ray Lewis, we're not going to see a steep rise in crime if the player and owners can't find a way to divide up $9 billion in profits. We're not going to be happy about it and we'd much rather be able to watch football, but just because billionaires are fighting with millionaires it doesn't mean the people caught in the middle are going to take it out on society. Maybe Lewis won't know what to do with himself, but the rest of us will manage. And if Lewis can't find something to do, I suggest taking up a new hobby. Maybe he can become an amateur meteorologist, because those guys are usually wrong in their predictions as well.

The Joke Comes Alive

I've heard no less than half a dozen comedians do some version of the observational humor, "You should never go food shopping when you're high." The thought behind the joke being that people are so hungry from the drugs they will buy way too much food (because nothing makes a joke funnier than having to explain it). Now, the best jokes are the ones which have a grain of truth to them, but I figured these comedians were just speaking in hyperbole and no one ever actually did this. However, I had just walked into a convenience store Friday night when in behind me came a man who was clearly high as a kite. It was then I got to watch the joke play out live in front of me like an impromptu "Saturday Night Live" skit.

The kid, who was probably in his mid-to-late 20s, immediately made a bee-line for the Doritos (as you do). After spending a minute debating Cool Ranch vs Nacho Cheese with a look on his face that told me this was clearly the hardest decision of his life, he ended up getting both. Then it was over to the beefy jerky section for some more snacks and another tough decision as to just which flavor of jerky to get. [Sidebar: I had just stopped in for a soda, which was in my hand at this point, but I was in no hurry to leave because I didn't to miss the rest of the show.] Now the kid had his jerky, but wasn't sure if this was going to be enough, so he began to slowly circle the store, waiting for another craving to pop up and buying every piece of food that caught his eye. Before too long he waddled to the front of the store, both hands full of chips, beef jerky and various other kinds of candy.

It is at this point of the story I want to give total credit to the guy working the register. For one reason or another the beef jerky package wouldn't scan and the clerk wanted to get another one with a clearer price tag. The high kid was willing to go get it, but the clerk insisted it was unnecessary and that he would get it. Brilliant move, because it left the pothead standing at the counter with even more candy options literally at knee-level. As the clerk went to get another bag with an easier-to-scan tag on it (and clearly taking his sweet time to do so), the kid bent down at to pour over all the options at his fingertips. I think the kids walking into Willy Wonka's chocolate factory were less awed by candy.

By the time the clerk came back three packs of gum, two cans of mints and three candy bars had been thrown onto the pile. Simultaneously the kid almost had a religious experience when he looked to his left and saw a display of Big League Chew. If he had more money on him he might have just bought the entire display. As it was he needed two bags for all his goodies, something I have never seen before at a convenience store. I didn't even know they had bags behind the counter. I'm just happy that the kid lived nearby and clearly walked to the store. First (and most obviously) because I wouldn't want this asshole on the road in his condition, but secondly because I'm not sure he was going to make it out the parking lot before ripping this food open.

So, let this be a lesson to all the comedy nerds like me who spend way too much of their time watching stand-up comedians: you're not just learning about the timing and crafting of a good joke, sometimes you're learning valuable life lessons at the same time.

A Rapturing Interlude

So, despite much fanfare and hand-wringing, yesterday came and went without the Rapture taking place.* One thing about the world I can never understand is why we give some crazy people attention and credibility but not others. I guess it has to do with whether or not they are successful in other areas of life, as if that would somehow translate to success in forecasting the end of the world. For example, one guy says the world is going to end and just because he happens to own several radio stations we act like he might know what he's talking about, even though that same guy said the world was going to end in 1994 and then when it didn't he blamed bad math. (You would think that would have instantly discredited him, but it didn't.) Meanwhile, if the guy down the street says the world is going to end, he gets a visit from the cops because he's only an alcoholic and therefore he's "bothering people." It's a vicious double-standard.

*(I mean, I'm assuming. I write my Saturday and Sunday stuff on Thursday. Maybe everything and everybody is going crazy right now and I'm not even here. If I don't post anything on Monday, consider that my bad.)

Weekly Sporties

-Late in the week another of Lance Armstrong's former teammates came out and said he saw Lance taking performance enhancing drugs. I am so sick of this story. First off, Lance hasn't been a competitive rider for years and secondly these people only come out of the woodwork when they have either been caught doping themselves or have a book to sell. As you can imagine, they make for a less-than-credible witness. At this point I only want to hear from the world of cycling if someone has proof Armstrong failed a doping test and even then I probably wouldn't care all that much.

-Minnesota Timberwolves GM David Kahn stuck a major foot in his mouth this week. Shortly after losing the draft lottery to the Cavaliers, Kahn said he knew the team was going to lose because the NBA has a 'habit' of creating draft lottery storylines and the Cavaliers had sent the owner's 14 year-old son, who has a rare medical condition, to represent the team at the draft. Kahn said the Wolves simply couldn't compete with a sick kid. Now, I'm sure that Kahn was trying to make a joke, but he forgot the first rule of comedy - people aren't going to find a joke funny when the punchline involves a kid with a rare disease. He's probably going to get fined by the NBA for it, but considering the Wolves have gotten worse every year he's been in charge it wouldn't be shocking if that comment turns out to be a fireable offense.

-Staying in Cleveland, they're feeling pretty good about themselves because they not only won the lottery with a pick they got from the Clippers, but they still have their own pick, which ended up being #4. They think this could be the beginning of a turnaround for the franchise. I would just like to offer the Cavalier fans a warning: draft picks are only as valuable as the person in charge of making them. Take this from a fan of a team that once had three picks in the top 21 and walked away with no players who would help the team.

-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar came out this week saying he was very disappointed that he didn't have a statue in front of Staples Center in Los Angeles. I'm sorry, when did getting a statue become the ultimate sign of respect? What happened to simply retiring a number and being put in the team Hall of Fame? It used to be statues were for important historical figures, but now anyone who wins one championship feels they should be bronzed. Let's have a little higher standards - those things are expensive.

-In that same vein, it was announced this week that Drew Bledsoe is going to be inducted into the Patriots Hall of Fame later this year. See, that's an appropriate level of praise and respect for a guy of Drew's character who had a good, but not great career. For the entire 2001 and 2002 seasons I was firmly in the Drew camp during the "Brady vs Bledsoe" debate (yes, kiddies, at one time that was a real controversy around here). Clearly, I got that one wrong. But, it's nice to see the Krafts haven't forgotten about Drew. Hopefully he will show up to a few more team events now.

-So, after a year of making googly eyes at the Phoenix Coyotes only to be shunned by them at the last minute, a group representing the city of Winnipeg quietly and quickly made a deal to get the Atlanta Thrashers to move to their city. (It's always interesting to watch the deals that try to get done in public flameout while the deals that actually get finished are always finalized behind the scenes.) The most amazing thing I learned in this whole ordeal is that the Thrashers have been in Atlanta for 11 years. Seeing as how they have never made an impact in the NHL I still think of them as an expansion franchise who have only been around a couple of years. Normally I would be against a team getting stolen from their fans, but I'm not sure the Thrashers have any fans in Atlanta. At least in Winnipeg they might play in front of a crowd.

-A couple days ago the Ryder Cup announced the 2018 match is going to be played in France. (I'm not sure if planning events seven years into the future is confident or naive.) It used to be that the Ryder Cup was only played in Great Britain, but organizers have said they want to make an effort to include more European nations as host countries to grow the sport. That's all well and good, but... France? Not only did they not have anyone on the last Ryder Cup team, but the people who projected the team out to 2017 (golfers have that kind of time on their hands during a particularly rainy spring) don't even see any great French golfers down the line. To me this is like when the NFL tries to build up fans in Europe - they can show the games there all they want, but they would be better off playing more games in Mexico, because at least those guys pretend to watch. Golf already has a foothold in Spain, so hosting the Ryder Cup there seems to be the wiser choice.

-As a child of the 80s, I would be remiss if I didn't take a second to mention the death of Randy "Macho Man" Savage yesterday. Admittedly, he was never my favorite wrestler, but he was a major player at the time wrestling really took off as a main-stream sport. If Hulk Hogan was Magic Johnson and Andre the Giant was Larry Bird, then Macho Man was at least Isiah Thomas. His impact was amazing considering the business he was in.

Strength Against Strength

All this week the major broadcasting networks have begun trotting out their line-ups for next fall (nothing like planning ahead, I guess). It's the first glimpse at what got cancelled and what got picked up. For TV nerds it's a very exciting time because they like to see what the next hit show will be. Simultaneously it's very exciting time for the people with gambling issues, because it's a whole new set of things to bet on. Odds almost immediately began to pop up on what show will be the first to be cancelled and just how many episodes it will take. (I'm totally serious about that, by the way. You really can put money on stuff like that in Vegas.) However, in checking out what is going to be on TV next fall when I won't be able to obsess about football or basketball due to both probably still being in the middle of their respective lockouts, I notice some thing and it had nothing to do with Vegas.

A quick look at the upcoming schedule has revealed that everyone wants to cram all the good shows into a two or three hour period. I don't mean two or three hours a night - I mean for the entire week. Really, why are the few good shows we have left on at the same time? There are nights when absolutely nothing is on TV, but then every show I enjoy comes on at the exact same time. The more annoying part about this is that you know the networks have an idea of when shows are going to be on, so they could totally avoid these kinds of conflicts. I understand the mentality that says you want to put your best stuff against the other guys best stuff just so you aren't conceding the victory, but is that really the best way to go about this? Wouldn't you rather completely crush them at least one night a week instead of tying or marginally losing to them for five?

I think the reason this bothers me so much comes from when I worked at the second sports-talk radio station in Boston. See, we were losing in the ratings, so the heads of the station adopted a policy - have one of the producers listen to the #1 sports-talk radio station and when they went to commercial break, we were to go to commercial break immediately after. It was never properly explained to me, but I believe the thinking was people listening to the other station would flip over to our station to hear what topic our hosts might be talking about, since they were obviously sports fans. Then they would get sucked in to that last minute of conversation, thus staying through the break. It probably won't shock you to learn that the station wasn't on the air for much longer.

See, I always thought it made more sense to listen to the other station and then extend the current segment after they went to break, thinking that we would keep more listeners with our sports talk instead of annoying the people who flipped over to hear sports talk and instead got more commercials. People who then probably kept flipping around the dial until they landed back on the #1 station (who by this point was back from break) and forgot they even landed on our station at all.

That's why I think some of these networks would be better off staggering their best programs throughout the week. Most TV viewers are loyal and they are going to stick with the show they watched last season even if the new show on another network is better, so why not at least give those new shows a chance by putting them up against the weakest of the other guys shows and let them build some fans instead of trotting an unknown commodity out against the biggest and the best? I'll give you points for cockiness with that strategy, but all you've done is get your show cancelled.

Now, you might be thinking that these programmers believe all their programs are good and they can win every night. That's why they're doing this - confidence. Trust me, I've seen the line-ups and even these executives know most of their shows are garbage. That's why we're getting two-hour extended "Biggest Loser" episodes - they know they can't even come up with enough good programming to fill two hours, let alone two nights. I guess they figure that coming close to winning on one night a week is just as good as a real win the rest of the week. Either way, it looks like Wednesday is going to be movie night around here.

One In A Million Shot

I'm sure most of you out there are familiar with the expression: "You couldn't do that again if you were trying." For those of you who aren't, it basically means that something very lucky happened to cause a ball to bounce a certain positive way, a nail to go in on the first try or some other activity that should have taken multiple attempts to succeed only took one. However, I've discovered that it is never actually used in this way, because no one uses it after they do something good. Instead people only break this phrase out after something bad happened. For example, I will say it when playing golf and finding myself trying to hit through trees (which happens a lot). I never connect with the forty to fifty thick branches in my way, but get through all of those only to nail the smallest, thinnest, highest and final branch dead-center. Never would have come close if I was aiming for it, but in trying to avoid it I was spot on. Hence, I couldn't do that if I was trying.

Well this afternoon I had an all-timer: after pumping gas at my local station I was trying to get back into my car when the driver-side door refused to open back up. Didn't matter how hard I pulled or whether I tried the inside or outside lever, it wasn't budging. Since I was at the busiest gas station in the area I didn't think it was right to make the other ten cars in line wait while I used the pump area to figure out the problem and since I also wasn't about to climb through my open driver's side window like one of the Duke boys, I ended up going around my truck, entering through the passenger's side and then climbing over the center console, which is when I notice the problem. I then drove home without getting a good chance to fix it, visions of broken locking mechanisms that required hundreds of dollars to be repaired dancing in my head.

Fortunately, it wasn't nearly that bad. Turns out that as I was getting out of my car to get gas I, unbeknownst to me, closed the door on my seat belt. Normally not that big of a deal except that during that motion of closing the door the belt had managed to slide between the teeth of the locking mechanism and were now so in the way the teeth couldn't open enough to release the door. Pulling on the inside handle of the door while giving it one good shoulder block was enough to get the door open, so I could take a better look, but it didn't get the belt free. What was amazing to me was that the belt had slid between the teeth in the half-second they were still open and managed to slide through an opening with about a millimeter of clearance on either side. If I had been sitting there trying to do this it would have taken me a half-hour and three dozen tries.

I know this because getting the belt to slide back out proved to be a lot harder than getting it in. It wasn't just that the belt had gotten crammed in the door, it had wound its way around the lock. It was a process of holding the door handle with one hand while trying to shimmy the belt out with the other. In the end I just ended up pulling the hell out of the belt and causing a minor hole. (Just goes to show how tight it was in there.) You know, reoccurring problems in a car are usually something I worry about, but something tells me this one isn't happening twice. If it does, rest assured, it will have happened without me trying to do it.

False Starts

For absolutely no reason, I woke up at 5 AM this morning. I didn't need to go to the bathroom, there was no loud noise outside my window, I don't remember having a disturbing dream at the moment, my cell phone wasn't ringing and my alarm didn't go off, yet I was up like a shot. Normally waking up early isn't that big of a deal because I would rather not sleep the day away anyway, but a full two hours before my alarm was scheduled to go off and only five hours after going to bed is a little too early, even for me. So there I laid for the next couple of hours, desperately trying to talk myself into going back to sleep. As anyone who has ever tried this before probably guessed, it did not work. I've always wondered why some people can seem to fall asleep in a minute and a half, whereas people like me spend an hour tossing and turning. I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking about this kind of stuff. When curiosity about these kinds of things leads you to think this might be a good career path for you, it is a good idea to find information about the Best Nursing Schools.

This of course made me wonder if anyone can actually talk themselves into falling asleep. Sleeping is one of my favorite activities and yet I could not convince my body this was the right plan of attack. Adding to the issues is the fact I have never been able to nap - once I am awake for the day, I am awake for the day and apparently, I was awake for the day. I actually feel that trying to convince myself to go back to bed was doing more harm than good because once my alarm did finally go off and I was resigned to having to get up that was when I was overcome with the urge to roll back over and sleep for another few hours. Alas, at that point it was too late. Even though my day technically started two hours earlier, now I was officially up. Stupid internal clock being broken.

-However, mine was not the only false start of the day. I was driving down the road this afternoon when I came to a red light. The car ahead of me (the first in line) was doing that move drivers in a hurry always do, in which he slowly but surely inched ahead during the red light so when the light does finally go green again they have a ten-foot head start on the rest of the world. The problem was this guy was a little too light on his brakes and soon enough he found himself almost a full car length over the line and nearly in the path of the cars going down the cross street so he had to stop. Not a big deal, it's happened to all of us at one time or another.

What got my attention was when the driver then decided this had to be the longest light in history and he had time to kill, therefore now seemed as good a time as any to track down something he dropped between the seat cushions. As I watched from one spot back the driver's outline began to root around in the space next him, searching for whatever he suddenly had to have (in my mind it was a quarter). It was at this point the light changed. You would have thought, given the way he half-ran the red light not two minutes earlier, that he would have stopped what he was doing to peel off down the street. But... no. (For a guy in such a hurry he sure was easily-distracted.)

Now he was preoccupied with finding whatever had previously disappeared. He actually didn't look up for so long that the car behind me had begun honking, which finally caused him to slowly pull through the intersection (I would have honked myself, but my reaction time has been slow all day thanks to the lack of sleep last evening). I can only hope that when that guy eventually got to where he was previously in such a hurry to get to he at least found what he had been searching for. It certainly would suck to be late and not twenty-five cents richer.

Quick Movie Reviews

For a while there I thought we might actually have a nice spring. The end of April provided us with a string of sunny, warm-without-being-hot days and I honestly started to believe that we were being rewarded by Mother Nature for surviving one of the harsher winters on record. Turns out I was wrong. The last two weeks have been rainy, not particularly warm and, overall, pretty damn awful. While this weather has been great for my lawn (which looks better than it has in years and, yes, I realize what that says about me when that is so important), it has not allowed people in this area to get out and finally partake in some outdoor activities. Honestly, I've gotten around two days of yard work in and haven't even had a nice enough weekend to go golfing yet, which is a crime. The only upside is that I don't feel guilty about catching up on all the movies I never bothered to go see or rent. I mean, I would feel lazy if I sat inside on my couch during a beautiful day, but that feeling goes away when it's raw and rainy out my window. Therefore, just in case this weather does break in the coming days, I figured I would provide you with some quick movie reviews so that if you see them coming up on the guide you don't have to debate sitting inside or enjoying the day.

The Losers: Allow me to sum this movie up in one word: BOOM. It is not much more than big explosions, gun fights and witty one-liners between the bad guys. So, of course, I loved it. Still not totally sure of what the plot was, but I'm fairly certain that was beside the point.

The Back-Up Plan: Look, I'm not proud of myself for watching this. I can't even blame it on someone else - I paused for 30 seconds and the next thing I knew twenty minutes had passed and now I just had to watch the movie until it was over. Essentially it's 90 minutes of Jennifer Lopez doing every chick-flick stereotype there is. (I love you, so I'll push you away. Crap, I shouldn't have done that.) Also, it shows I've spent waaaayyyy to much time around pregnant women the passed four years, because I couldn't stop thinking how women carrying twins are never allowed to go full-term.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World: It was kind of a trip, but I'll give it this - at least it was different. It was half video-game/half movie, which if you know that going in makes the entire thing much more enjoyable. Don't try to figure out what is going on, just go with it. Not a movie you see every day, which makes it a breath of fresh air.

How to Train Your Dragon: I figured I should watch it now and know what's going on because I'm bound to end watching it with the next generation soon enough and they have this tendency to talk over movies at the important parts, which would annoying at any time, but some reason is extra annoying when it happens during a bad movie. However, after checking it out I'm not sure the girls and D-Mac will be seeing this for a while. It's got great animation, but it's a little intense for kids so young. Definitely for the 8-10 year-old crowd instead of the 3-5 one.

Long Story Short: This was Colin Quinn's stand-up special under the guise of being a history lesson. Even though I never thought Colin was great on "Saturday Night Live", I thought he was particularly good in this because he was back in his element. Parts of it dragged, but for the most part he kept the show moving along and seemed to make fun of everyone equally. Of everything I've seen the past month, this is the one I would recommend the most.

Commence Commencing

We're officially in college graduation season around these parts and since Boston is such a college town there have been more than a few articles about who will be giving the commencement speeches at the dozens and dozens of schools in the area. (Fun fact: Senator Scott Brown is getting an honorary doctorate from a school that does not have a doctorate program. Perhaps he can hang his imaginary doctorate next to the picture of the corpse of Osama Bin Laden he thought was real.) Now even though these articles never amount to more than a list of names and locations, I am always fascinated by this story every single year and find myself pouring over it, seeing which school is going to have the best speaker (and thus win graduation). Because it seems everyone has a commencement speaker story and they all have one common theme: it doesn't matter who was giving the commencement address, some other school had somebody better at theirs that same year.

I know a lot of people think that who is chosen to speak at commencement is not that big a deal considering most of the student body has been drunk since last Tuesday. However, I disagree - it is actually very important. After all, for thousands of kids this is going to be the final impression of a place they just spent several years of their lives at the cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars. The last thing anyone wants is for them to leave with a bad taste in their mouths. If that happens they might not be so willing to fork over any money when that alumni donation letter comes in the mail. If you think about it that context, suddenly spending a little more money to have an actual speaker instead of a reality star whom no one will remember in three years doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

Not that I want to put too much emphasis on this because, let's be honest, honorary degrees aren't exactly important. I have to laugh at the people who get annoyed when controversial figures are offered honorary degrees, as if it suddenly means we have to take them seriously. As I tweeted the other day, musician Branford Marsalis has over 30 and poet Maya Angelou has over 70. Not saying those two aren't important figures, I'm just saying the honorary degree loses a little luster when you have more of them than pairs of socks. At this point I assume Dr. Angelou doesn't even take them out of the package when they are shipped to her home and she gives them out as stocking stuffers.

That is why I respect the schools that understand the place of the honorary degree and instead go for the person who will give the most entertaining speech. Because that is all anyone really wants: keep it light, keep it fun, keep it quick. I remember when my sister was graduating from college and her commencement speaker had recently been rescued from a hostage situation in Peru. Amazing tale, but kind of a downer for a graduation. You may not think Stephen Colbert has much knowledge to impart to the next generation, but at least you'll have a laugh while he's talking. Looks like you win this year, Northwestern.

A Superstitious Interlude

You know, for as superstitious a man as I am (especially when it comes to watching sporting events), I was never a big believer that Friday the 13th was a bad day. I agree that certain numbers are unlucky, but I've never worried about the combination of a day of the week and a number. The way I figure it, it is actually less unlucky than every other day because people are constantly on-guard on Friday the 13th, waiting for something bad to happen. So, it's the other 364 days of the year when you aren't expecting it that walking under a ladder will prove costly.

However, this particular Friday the 13th was noteworthy because May 13th also doubled as the 61st birthday of one Stevie Wonder. I love Stevie, but a quick perusal through my archives reveals he hasn't made the musical interlude yet. Seems as good a day as any to right that wrong.

Weekly Sporties

-In the wake of the Celtics elimination from the NBA Playoffs, GM Danny Ainge has stated that next season they may start Jeff Green and bring Paul Pierce off the bench as a way to cut down on Pierce's minutes and develop Green. Allow me to translate Danny's comments for you: "I made a God-awful trade at the deadline that ended up making us much worse and probably cost us a chance to win the Eastern Conference. To try and cover that fact up, I'm going to make it sound like we still believe in Jeff Green and grooming him as the future of the franchise was my plan all along, even though we all know that's not the case. Please don't fire me."

-After the Lakers were swept by the Mavericks, everyone began penciling Dwight Howard into their line-up for next season. At first I was worried about that happening as well, but the more I think about it the less I think it will make the Lakers that much better. After all, they will still be running through Kobe, who will be a year older and I'm not sure that Dwight Howard is that much better offensively than Pau Gasol. He would make them much tougher on defense, but I'm don't think pairing him with an aging Bryant makes the Lakers much better than they are now, especially if they have to send Bynum and Odom back the other way. Frankly, I'm much more worried the Lakers could end up with Russell Westbrook, because there would be no alpha-dog issues there and he would be an incredible upgrade to their point guard position. Actually, let's stop talking about this, because it's already making me nervous.

-One last NBA note: due to the recent flooding in Tennessee, it feels like the NBA has been pushing their announcers to pump up the angle of the Grizzlies being a ray of hope for the Memphis area, like the Saints were for New Orleans following Katrina. Well, while I appreciate the media effort, it's not the same. The Saints were always big in New Orleans, whereas the Grizzlies have more sell-outs in these playoffs than they had for the entire regular season. If they Grizzlies left tomorrow about four people would be upset and none of them would be players.

-Speaking of teams that don't matter in their own region: the city of Glendale recently voted to give $25 million dollars for upgrades to the hockey arena and effectively keep the Coyotes in Phoenix for another season. Um, why? I don't think they would make that money back if they had a five-year deal in place. It feels like a lot of money to delay the inevitable.

-Staying in Arizona, the Fiesta Bowl was allowed to keep its status as a BCS Bowl after paying a $1 million fine for improper use of funds. Personally, I am really surprised. I would have thought the BCS would have used any excuse to bring the Cotton Bowl and Jerry Jones' billion-dollar complex into their fold. It leads me to believe that every bowl is just as corrupt and they figure their day is going to come, at which point they can turn to the Fiesta Bowl people and say, "Remember when we stood by you?" Because, as we all know, it's always the high-and-mighty people who have the most skeletons buried in the most closets.

-One last note on a similar theme: various newspapers in England printed stories this week about how the people in charge of choosing the next World Cup site essentially showed up with their hands out, ready for their vote to be bought. And in equally shocking news, the sky is blue. You mean to tell me the hot, dry country smaller than Connecticut with no soccer tradition and strict religious laws wasn't picked on it's own merits? Who would have thought? Oh right, everybody who didn't get paid.

Talking Awesome

While I don't want the next three months of this blog to become all about how much fun it is to have HBO and Cinemax for free, I would be doing a disservice if I didn't talk about one of the perks I found this week which was the HBO special, "Talking Funny". Basically, it is four comedians I have a lot of respect for (Ricky Gervais, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock and Louis CK), sitting around discussing comedy. From the moment I first saw the previews for this special last month during the HBO free preview weekend I was dying to see it, but figured I would wait until I was down in Wareham, because it wasn't airing for another couple of weeks and while I didn't have HBO at home, we do happen to have it at the beach house. Fortunately for me that process was sped up.

It was everything a comedy nerd like me hoped it would be. I've talked before about how much I admire stand-ups because I certainly can't do that, but at the same time I don't like stand-ups who think they are doing important, society-altering work. I admire the skill and respect people who take being funny as hard work, but don't get it twisted and think you're curing cancer. It's that balance which is important. You would think that if anybody had the right to have a skewered perspective about themselves it would be these guys, but it was the exact opposite. A specific example was Louis CK telling a story about opening for Jerry Seinfeld 20 years ago and introducing him as, "The funniest comic in the world". Seinfeld did his whole show, got off stage an hour later and went directly to Louie (showing it had been bothering him the entire hour) to tell him to never do that again, because it sets the bar too high. After CK finished telling the story Seinfeld mentioned that he did the exact same thing a couple months back because he still doesn't want that much pressure when he goes on stage.

You would think that if anyone was comfortable with high expectations it would be Seinfeld, but he talked about always just trying to make that room laugh because he was actually funny, not just because he was Jerry Seinfeld. This led to an interesting discussion of whether people come to see them or to see the act and exactly how many old jokes can you do. Unlike musicians, most audience members aren't coming to hear the classics - they want new stuff. The general consensus was that you could mix in some old jokes, but if you want people to keep coming back you need to mostly have new material.

They also started talking about each other's bits which was really fascinating to watch. I know that comedians have this thing about people stealing their bits, but it proved that two people can actually tell the same joke in completely different manners. Louis CK has a joke about parents taking their kids on vacations and it being so stressful that his only vacation only lasts as long as it takes him to close his wife's car door, walk around the car and get into the driver's seat. Seinfeld said how much he laughed at this bit and starting doing it for Louie, but it was all clean-up, polished and with not nearly as much raw-emotion. (Basically, he Seinfeld-ed it.) Yet it was still funny.

They covered a lot of other ground as well: how much profanity to use, ways to craft a stage act, what their first big joke was, when they knew they would make it as a stand-up and so on. All in all it was really great to watch. Here's the highest compliment I can probably give this program: the biggest problem I had with it was that it had clearly been edited for time. It was 50 minutes and I would have much rather seen HBO extend it for another hour, instead of cutting it down to make sure we got a re-run of "Game of Thrones". If you have HBO it should be on-Demand for a couple more weeks and I really recommend watching it if you have a chance.

It's Their Turn Now

A common theme on this blog is me getting annoyed when people make grand judgements based on limited facts, which happens all the time in the news business. I've always thought it was better to hear directly from the people involved than from some generic, cut-and-paste reporter who showed up five minutes ago and only wants to talk in extremes because it makes for a better soundbite. And while this can happen in any type of news story, it is especially common in sports, because those guys have to travel to a new city every fifth day. Nothing makes me angrier than when people (specifically national sportswriters), try to tell you how a city they do not live in 360 day a year (specifically Boston) is feeling about a specific issue because they are usually wrong.

I'll give you a specific example: a number of years ago Tom Brady was filmed walking around New York City wearing a Yankee hat. This led to people on ESPN shows like "Cold Pizza" to talk about how the city of Boston was freaking out, when the reality was far from the truth. Sure, the guys who have nothing better to do than leave forum posts on sites like Boston Dirt Dogs or the Sons of Sam Horn were probably pretty pissed about it, but the rest of us knew it was just a damn hat and that it didn't mean Brady was planning to leave New England so he could play in the bigger New York media market for the Jets (which was honestly suggested at the time). All it really proved was Brady is most likely a sports polygamist which, while not an admirable trait, is understandable. High-profile athletes tend to run in the same circles and so while saying he hates Jeter would endear him to Boston sports fans, it would make it really awkward for Brady when he ran into him at some Nike event at the Super Bowl.

However, that reality-based conclusion doesn't make for interesting TV and playing off the stereotype that Boston has some kind of inferiority complex towards the Yankees (which we never actually had) is much easier. The good news for Boston is that by winning two World Series, three Super Bowls and one NBA Championship in the last decade, people have started to catch on that we're not actually worried about anyone else. Unfortunately for every other sports city, that has meant ESPN and people of their ilk have begun to turn their attention elsewhere, looking for any excuse to play off an insecurity, whether it exists or is simply perceived.

So, having been in their shoes, I felt bad for St. Louis yesterday when a picture surface of Cardinals' slugger Albert Pujols giving Cubs GM Jim Hendry a hug during batting practice. You see, Pujols is a free agent after this season and the Cubs (St. Louis' baseball rivals) are one of the few teams that can afford to pay Pujols big money for his services and need a first baseman. Therefore, they are expected to be a big player when he hits free agency. This picture led to all sorts of speculation about what this might mean for Albert and the Cardinals: Are talks going that badly? Should they trade him now or risk getting nothing for him? What would he do for Chicago's line-up? Never mind that Albert has probably given that same hug to every GM in every city he's visited this season. It was a guy on the Cardinals hugging an enemy, so this time it was news.

Only it's not news. I'm sure 50 years ago it would have been a big deal but free agency, huge salaries and increased player movement have taken all the animosity out of baseball. It used to be that guys would hate someone just because they played for the other guy, but now there's an above-average chance that guy is going to be on your team next year so don't burn a bridge. Which leaves all professional sports with a feel that is more akin to everyone being in the same fraternity, but playing for different chapters instead of playing for a rival. At this point the only time pro athletes hate each other is if one guy owes another money or it turns out they both have the same mistress (both of which have happened in the NBA). So, one guy simply saying hello to a rival team's GM doesn't mean you should expect him to play there next year. Does this mean Pujols will remain with the Cardinals? Not necessarily. What it does mean is that everyone should calm the hell down and wait until news actually happens before they jump to conclusions about what it all means.

...To The Last Drop

Have you ever noticed that whenever you are anxious to use up something, it seems to last longer than usual? It's like the more you try to get rid of a product, the more of it there is. I'll give you an example: a couple weeks ago I dropped a jar of mayonnaise. Since the jar was plastic it didn't break, but the cap did. Because mayonnaise is one of those things which really shouldn't be left in open air (even in a refrigerator), I was forced to leave the broken lid on then try to make the seal air-tight with a plastic bag and an elastic. And ever since that day I'm hesitant to use that mayonnaise. While I'm 99% sure it's fine, that 1% of doubt leaves me feeling as though I'm risking my stomach every time I spread it on the bread. Therefore I just want to use up what is still left over as quickly as possible and get to open some fresh mayo. And of course, even though I make myself a sandwich almost every day, the level of what's in the jar never goes down. It's like some kind of space/time vortex in my fridge, where my mayonnaise is able to replicate itself over night. Honestly, I'm a couple more days away from making everyone in the neighborhood potato salad just to use this stuff up.

This same phenomenon will also happen every time you buy a new product on a whim. If you ever buy a sample size of something (body wash, deodorant, etc) it will turn out to be a wise purchase that you would like more of. Then the one time you decide to wing it and buy the industrial size bottle of a product without testing it first not only will that product not work nearly as well as you expect, but that bottle of it will last you for a year and a half. (Of course, some of you out there might be saying, "Just throw the product you don't want out." Well, pardon me Mr. Moneybags.)

You might be thinking that this is due to using products you like more and it just seems like they go faster, but that isn't it and I can prove it. I happen to have two kinds of shampoo in my shower: one shampoo I like and one that I don't like as much, but leave in the shower as a back-up. I have to replace the shampoo I like every other month and I never remember to pick some up right away, meaning I usually end up using the back-up shampoo for a couple of weeks before I remember to buy another bottle of my main shampoo. Yet, the back-up shampoo never goes down. I admit I'm not using it nearly as much, but I still use the back-up shampoo enough that it should have needed replacing at some point. Nope. I couldn't remember the last time I had to buy another bottle of it. So, either my fridge and shower are scientific anomaly's or I should only buy things in sample-size from here on out.

There Was Still Time!

It is just me, or are TV shows getting shorter? It used to be that programs would end about a minute before the top or bottom of the hour and lead directly into the next show. But now they seem to end with about five minutes before the next show starts, go to commercial and then come back just to show us the credits. The worst part is that you don't even realise it at first, assuming they are going to come back for another couple of minutes because there is so much time remaining, but all you end up seeing is a list of who worked on the show, which is useless.

Making my case for credits not being necessary are channels like TNT and TBS because they will actually show the credits from the movie which is ending on a crawl at the bottom of the screen while the credits for the movie that is just starting show on top. Honestly, if I don't stick around for the credits in the movie theatres, where I could actually read them in I wanted to, what makes you think I'm going to squint to see them for the half-second they are on a TV? The only people who want to see the credits are the people who worked on the show to prove to their family and friends they did it and, trust me, they already have a copy. I feel this is just a waste of valuable time.

It can't be that there are more commercials, because if that were the case I wouldn't just be seeing the same four commercials every time we went to break. And you just know the advertiser who end up with this last block of commercials aren't happy about it, because the last thing you want is your product to be tied in with disappointment, but that is exactly what happens. Now I'm always going to associate their product with people who don't give me what I was expecting. Is that the message you want, Ford? I hope you at least got a discounted price for the time slot.

What's even more annoying than when I am deprived of my entertainment is when it turns out that I'm also being misled. Given the nature of sitcoms, 2 minutes is usually more than enough time to wrap up whatever hijinks the heroes of the show I am watching are involved in. However, on more than one occasion (especially this week (which is why I'm annoyed enough by it to write a blog post) because several shows seem to be doing two-part season finales) I've been watching something, ready for the conclusion, only to see the dreaded "To Be Continued..." graphic appear. This just served to make me madder, because now I know next week's episode is going to stink as they now have to stretch 2 minutes of content into 22 minutes of dialog.

I know that reality TV shows have really been a blow to the people who write for TV. Honestly, it's not easy or fun to work really hard coming up with new material every week when the guy across the hallway got rich by sticking obnoxious people in a house, getting them drunk and filmed it. I get that. Still, I'm not asking them to turn every show into "The West Wing". I just want them to actually finish jokes or spend another minute to further explain what the hell I just watched. I'm much more likely to come back next week or sit through one more commercial break if I know I'm going to be entertained.

A Hidden Gem

One of the best parts about having Verizon Fios is that they are constantly willing to offer you something for free. Every time you call with any kind of complaint or question they make it up to you by giving you three free months of HBO and Cinemax. No joke: one time they actually offered my family three free months of HBO and Cinemax when we were calling to say we didn't want to extend the HBO and Cinemax beyond the free three months. It's almost like they're a drug deal who remains convinced that the next hit will be the one that finally gets us addicted. Now, even though HBO is the lead dog in the offer due to all the award-winning shows they have on the network, I'm finding that I enjoy the Cinemax channels more. Because while HBO might have the newer movies, they just show the same four movies on a rotation. By contrast Cinemax shows a bunch of different, random movies for a day or two and then they are gone.

A prime example of this happened at the end of last week when they started showing the very extremely under-rated movie, "The Peacemaker". For those of you who have never seen it, "The Peacemaker" stars George Clooney and Nicole Kidman (who they made a brunette so you'll take her more seriously) as a soldier and scientist duo who have to stop a maniac from detonating a nuclear bomb in New York City. It is everything a late-90s action movie should be, right down to the big explosions and wise-cracking one-liners in the heat of a gunfight. It also shows just how important actors are to a movie. If this wasn't Clooney and Kidman I'm pretty sure this movie would be terrible, but because they seemed to actually want this movie to be good and they are both good actors the finished product is spectacular. I love this film.

Now, here's the weird thing: I actually own a copy of it and yet I haven't watched it in years. At any point I could have stood up, walked less than four feet (given my wingspan I probably wouldn't even have to walk - I could lean and pick it out) and put this movie in my DVD player. I have noticed that this is a very common thing with me - I love a movie, buy a copy of it, watch it incessantly for a couple weeks and then put it on my shelf, at which point I almost forget it is there, then get mad when it is on TV and I have missed my favorite part by a few minutes or the best scene is heavily edited for TV. However, rather than putting the DVD in to watch that part, I would rather stay mad. You would think the whole point of buying a copy of a movie was so that I could watch it whenever I wanted, but I never do.

I do this with music as well. I'll buy a song on iTunes and pretty much put it on repeat for a week straight. But after it goes from the 'Recently Purchased' file to mixing in with the rest of my 3,000 other songs I'm just as likely to skip it next time it shows up in the rotation. I think it has to do with getting more pleasure out of things when they seem to happen on their own instead of being planned out. Either way, I'm interested to see what random action movie pops up next. Oh, and you should watch "The Peacemaker", cause it's really good.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there,

But especially to my Mom and my sisters.

Love You!

Weekly Sporties

-I'm a little surprised at the quality of names that are popping up for the open Maryland Head Basketball Coach job after Gary Williams suddenly retirement this week. I mean, I know Maryland basketball is a good job, I just didn't think it was this good. Anyway, one of the names to come up is that of Mike Brey, currently the head coach of Notre Dame. Now, I wouldn't fault Mike if he wanted to leave; he's from the D.C. area and cut his teeth as an assistant in the ACC at Duke. But, I would just offer him this one piece of advice first: it's not always the worst thing in the world to be the basketball coach at a football school. Think about it like this: if you have a great season that's awesome. But if you don't people are concentrating on spring football anyway. Basically people only notice you when you are succeeding while simultaneously allowing you to fail in the shadows. I'm not sure 10 years with no trips to the Final Four would fly in Maryland, whereas no one is all that upset about it in South Bend.

-Boise State, everyone's favorite underdogs of the college football world due to their lack of an automatic BCS Bowl bid, got into trouble this week when it was revealed that some assistant coaches arraigned for players to get discounts on merchandise at local stores. This is an NCAA violation and the school penalised itself 3 scholarships for the next couple of years. This is a blatant attempt by Boise State to cut off the NCAA and hope that they don't get hit with any more restrictions. It probably won't work because in the grand scheme of things, because it isn't much of a penalty. But, still, just to see them try it... it looks like our little program is all grown up.

-Flipping passed ESNU this week, I paused just long enough to see they were televising women's college softball (clearly a slow sports week for the all-college station). However, that's not what caught my eye - the girl in the batter's box was wearing one of those wristbands often seen by quarterbacks which hold all the possible plays for them to run. In football it makes a lot more sense to simply call in a number for the quarterback to reference on his wrist rather than the entire play, because some of those can have lengthy names. But, what could possibly be on this girls playbook wristband? The way I see it batter's only have three choices: take, bunt, swing away. If you need a wristband to remind you of that you have some much bigger issues.

-It was announced this week that a group of professional poker players were getting together to form their own league. The group of about 30 players would be invited to join based on total earning for the year, so as to exclude people who just got lucky at one tournament. This pleases me greatly, because it should signal the beginning of the end of professional poker. At a time when poker should be looking to increase participation, it is instead looking to kick the bandwagon players out, which is stupid. But, it is what the pros want so I say let them go back to playing in dark room for 1/50 of the prize money. Hope they're happy with this decision. Look, it was fun for a while, but I would say we're just about done and the steady rating decline that poker has been on says the rest of the country agrees with me. This is just another nail in the coffin.

-There were rumblings this week that Rory Sabbatini will be suspended from golf for a couple of weeks, due to "repeated incidents of misconduct on the golf course." But, here's what is annoying: because golf doesn't announce fines or suspensions no one knows if he's actually suspended, was just advised to take a couple weeks off or if he was planning not to play anyway. Also, no one knows what these 'incidents' were really about. Has golf learned nothing from the Tiger Woods scandal? They should just come out and tell us what the deal is, because when left to our own devices the Internet will come up with something way worse than the truth. Even though it was most likely nothing more than yelling at a fellow player, by the end of this weekend Sabbatini will have assaulted a group of orphans who volunteered at a tournament to raise money for a dying nun.

-The Kentucky Derby is going to be run later this afternoon and tonight there is a big boxing match between Shane Mosley and Manny Pacquiao. A major horse race and fight happening on the same day? It's like every sportswriter from the 1940s dream!

Rolling Through The Middle

The wonderful thing about growing older is that you finally gain the ability to put the proper perspective on things. At a certain point you have enough life experience to realise how trivial some actions are in the grand scheme of things and stop treating every situation with equal importance. Not everything is a national tragedy. For example, if you lose your new hat at age 8 it's a big deal because it's pretty much your most valuable possession. By 15 you know you can buy another hat and at 31 you're too worried that excessive hat wearing may cause baldness to even walk into a Lids. Over time you just figure out what really matters and what really doesn't.

All that being said, there are some actions other people do which I am never going to stop being pissed off by. (If you've read this blog for more than a month you already know that.) Chief among them are people who cut in line. I can't stand people who think that they are somehow more important than the rest of us or that their time is more valuable. This is especially annoying on the road. I firmly believe the people who stay in a lane that we can all see will be closed in a quarter mile just so they can get ahead of those one or two extra cars are the cause of most traffic jams because they end up making everyone slow down more than they should. If they merged over when they first saw the "Lane Closed" sign like the rest of us we could continue on at a good pace, but instead we have to slow down to let them in. Subsequently, I think they should have their licenses suspended.

But, today I saw the worst traffic-cutting offender of all. While waiting at a stoplight I saw a motorcycle rider in my sideview mirror coming up between the two lanes of stopped cars. He slowly rolled forward while everyone else was waiting for the light to turn green, until he found himself in front of the first car. Basically, he just skipped over everyone else and was suddenly the first person in line. As dick moves go, this one was pretty high on the list. Now, I enjoy "Gangland" and "Sons of Anarchy" as much as the next guy, so I understand that the big appeal riding a motorcycle is the 'outlaw' feeling that comes with it. As such, a lot of motorcycle riders feel that rules don't apply to them.

However, this was no patched-up Hells Angel on a Harley trying to show "The Man" that his rules didn't matter. This was just a fat guy on a Honda who felt he was too good to be fifth in line. I feel like he was going to be an asshole on the road even if he drove a car. Even worse, everyone just let him get away with it. No one opened their doors, said something or even honked at him. We all just accepted it. (And yes, I'm including myself in this traffic-wide chickening out.) All I can hope is that the next time this guy tries this move the first car in line is a cruiser. Hopefully then he'll learn that just because you can fit between the cars it doesn't mean you are somehow better than them.

Sticking To Their (Price) Guns

I am admittedly bad at math and not an economics major. However, I do understand the basic principles of both retail and supply and demand. You advertise cheap prices of the in-demand products to get people in the door (prices which are still way above where they should be) and then once they are in the store you aim people towards the stuff they aren't interested in buying but which you have lowered the price of so much the consumer reaches a point that the deal is too good to pass up and they buy something they don't even really want. It's almost too easy.

Now, I don't think I am blowing anyone's mind when I say that both book stores and record stores are having a tough time these days. Both industries have become almost exclusively online-sales and therefore a lot of stores, especially the non-chain stores, have been forced to close. That is why I am always surprised when I go into either a book store or a record store (you know, when I can still find them) and look at the price of CDs and books. These things have remained constant for as long as I can remember. When facing the reality that there are people out there who are willing to find similar products for less money, every other retailer in the world will at least try and adjust their prices to the market. Not books or CDs sellers.

A new-release hardcover book is going to run you $24 dollars in the store, a number which continues to blow my mind. Do the people who set prices know the Internet exists and offers most of these books at nearly half the price? Even with the stupidly skewered cost of shipping it will still usually work out that the online price is better. Plus if all else fails and you're willing to wait a while for it to come in, you can go to the library (which I hope isn't a new concept) and get the same book for free. Yet books show no signs of going down in price. The same applies to CDs. When I was growing up a CD would cost you roughly $17. Do you know how much a CD costs today? $17. Everything else has gone up in price since I got out of high school, but not CDs.

That leads me to conclude that, much like cars, these people are clearing so much money on each sale that they don't need to sell a lot. I have a hard time believing it costs more to make a CD now than it did in the late 90s, so if they can get just one person to feel nostalgic enough to buy a physical copy of a CD instead of the digital copy through iTunes they have covered their profit margin for the month. (It also leads me to conclude that I way over-paid for CDs when I was in high school.) Either that or these guys are idiots and are all going to be out of business within the next 5 years. At least if that happens you'll finally see some low prices for hardcover books.

A Highway Mystery

While I don't have one, I can understand the appeal of vanity plates. It is your chance to tell the world, "Hey, I like to make a statement in everything I do. No random set of letters and numbers for me - I have a something that I feel very strongly about." Also, I appreciate the decisiveness that is inherent in the people who have custom license plates. They picked the one thing they want everyone to know and it's not written on a piece of paper they stuck in the window: this was stamped into steel. Plus, it's not like they put this message out there on a whim: they had to sit down and makes sure their message fit in 7 letters or fewer and if it didn't they had to figure out a way to abbreviate that message, then check with the DMV to makes sure it was available. They had plenty of chances to change their mind and they didn't. And much like a tattoo, it doesn't matter if anyone else knows what it means, they know what it means. I admire that. This is exactly why I can't stand a car which has been bathed in bumper stickers, all with different causes - pick one message and go with it, hippy.

However that doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate the occasional backstory. For example, today I was behind an SUV with the vanity plate "POOL". At first I assumed it was because the person was driving a car leased to a company that either installed pools or pool tables. But, a minute later I pulled alongside the vehicle and there was nothing on the door to indicate that was the case. No phone number or decals to be seen. Apparently, this guy just wanted his license plate to read "POOL". [Sidebar: who even thought that would have even been available? I would have just assumed it would have been grabbed up by some company years ago.] Well, now I'm just dying to know what is the deal with this guy and pools. Does he swim a lot? Does he play a lot of pool? I mean, c'mon, there are so many ways this could go.

I know I said it only matters that the driver knows the message behind that plate, but that's when it's just a series of letters. I've never been good at the Daily Jumble and going down the highway at 65 mph is not the time to try and improve my skill. The guy could be a hundred miles away before it clicks. Therefore, I'm not worried about what "FJUTSTY" means because there is no way I'm even coming close to figuring that out. (...And neither will you, because it is not a real example. I just hit seven letters at random. Don't stare at that for hours hoping it will suddenly mean something.) But I know "POOL" can only refer to a couple of things and now I want to know which one this guy meant. I would almost prefer the person was a terrible speller, because then I would never have started down this path. Instead I'm left wondering if this guy is an Olympic swimmer or a hustler. Seriously, one small bumper sticker on the window with a swim team logo would have killed you?

More TV I Shouldn't Be Watching

As I have stated in this space before, there are many reasons that I don't want to be a cop: it doesn't pay particularly well, no one is ever happy to see you and you occasionally get shot at. However, the main reason I wouldn't want to be a cop is that I hate dealing with drunk people and it appears to be 90% of the job description. Drunk people suck. They are too loud, too opinionated (while also never wrong in their opinions), too violent and too oblivious to the fact that everyone around them hates them. Recently I have found myself continually pausing on two shows while in a quest for entertainment that have driven this point home: "Jail" and "Campus Cops". "Jail" is a behind-the-scenes look at the people in charge of drunk tanks and shows just how far one person can fall. "Campus Cops" is basically the same as the regular TV show "Cops" only it focuses on Campus Police.

Now, I admit when I was in college I couldn't stand Campus Police. That was because they only showed up to break up parties, making them the closest thing around to parents and college is all about finding out how much of an adult you can be when your parents are not around. (The answer for most of the people I went to school with was resoundingly "not well".) However, as I have gotten older I have found a new respect for Campus Police because their job is not easy. If you think dealing with everyday, regular drunks is annoying you should see what these poor people have to deal with on the average college campus: drunk 19 year-olds who have one semester of college under their belt so they think they know everything, while in reality don't know anything.

The first episode I saw the police showed up to break up a party. The people who rented the house met the cops at the door and said they couldn't come in without a warrant. (They were, not surprisingly, pre-law students.) The cops said that was fine, but they got a noise complaint and the kids needed to break the party up. The kids then demanded to know who called and complained, getting a little chesty with the campus police. The police told them it didn't matter who called, the party had to disperse, but, since Campus Police was already there they were going to check everyone's IDs and if anyone was underage the people who rented the house were going to be in trouble and have to appear before the school's judicial board. As the blood drained from the previously-cocky party-throwers' faces they began to worry about just how much trouble were they in and what if people refused to leave? Could the nice officers help them to get people out? (That one was actually kind of satisfying to watch.)

The second episode showed an officer responding to the scene of a drunk driving accident, in which a hammered kid drove his car into a fence. Fortunately no one was hurt (the drunks never get hurt), but as the officers tried to ask the kid questions to see if he needed to go to the hospital he just kept telling them he "pleads the fifth." Yeah, I'm pretty sure that wasn't the scenario people had in mind when they drew that one up. Then, as the cop was reading the kid his rights, the officer stumbled over a few words. Trying to be funny, the drunk kid asked the cop if he had been drinking. If the cop had whacked him in the face with his clipboard I don't think a single viewer would have called in to complain.

In the end I find these shows are like car wrecks - I hate that I even glance at them and yet I can't help myself. Much like every kid that gets into trouble onto these shows, I will deflect my own guilt onto someone else - I can only say that if people created better TV shows I wouldn't have to watch these ones.

Ending On A High Note

Even though I had just returned from a wonderful First Communion party, yesterday evening was on a decidedly downward trend. First I watched the Celtics get blown out. (Quick analysis: Rondo and Garnett have to dominate their match-ups and they didn't do that. But, if you're going to lose a game, Game 1 of a 7-game series when you are on the road is the one you can most afford to lose. Not flipping out... yet.) Then I powered up my computer to discover that, despite not even being turned on for about 24 hours, it had picked up a particularly nasty computer virus. It was the kind which poses as virus-scanning software, says it can eliminate all your viruses for a small fee and only seems to get worse the more you try and get rid of it. After three hours it had gotten to the point I couldn't even get online because it would just high jack all my other systems. After fighting with my computer until almost ten o'clock and feeling incredibly frustrated, I went downstairs to download virus-killing software onto a memory stick via my laptop. It was at this point I learned Osama Bin Laden was killed. Suddenly my computer virus didn't seem like such a big deal.

Now look, I know in the grand scheme of the world this actually doesn't change anything. Gas is still $4 a gallon and unemployment remains near double-digits. Plus, it's not like all the other terrorists are going to pack up and go home: crazy people don't stop being crazy when a leadership void is created - they just start following a different crazy person. I understand this doesn't even make us all that much safer, a point Fox News was more than happy to keep hammering home. [Sidebar: you know Fox News, even though it happened under someone else's watch you are allowed to be happy that Bin Laden is dead. I know you've spent the last 2 years telling anyone who will listen that Obama is a socialist Muslim bent on destroying the US from the inside and you've got to be getting frustrated because since that hasn't happened yet you're starting to seem like raving liars, but good news is still good news. If this happened when Bush II was in office you would have spent the night debating whether to put his face on the $5 or the $10. Really, is there anything Obama can do to make you lighten up?] So, no, it doesn't change much, but at least it makes some people feel better.

My only complain with the entire night was when Obama came out of his prep room and down the hall: he was way too formal. Dude, strut a little. Hell, you earned it. He could have even thrown a little spin in when he got to the podium and no one would have said shit. If there was ever a day to use up some executive privileges, this was it. Then again, this is the same man who gave the order on Friday, went down to Alabama that afternoon to meet with victims of the storms, flew back to D.C. Saturday morning and sat through the entire correspondent's dinner listening to jokes about Osama still being able to evade capture and didn't even crack a "Just wait a day, assholes" smirk the entire event. Remind me never to play poker with that man.

After being glued to the TV for a couple hours I came upstairs to watch more coverage in bed, having completely forgotten about my computer virus. However, I remembered when I saw my computer screen and the message window on it. Only this time, it was the actual virus scanning software I have installed on my computer, not a virus posing as it. And the message was letting me know that I had a virus, but if I would like this taken care of, they could easily remove it. (Again, would have been nice if McAfee could have erased it before the virus rendered my computer as useful as a paper weight for several hours, but I'm not going to nitpick.) So, my Sunday went through a bit of a lull towards the end there, but I guess all's well that ends well.

One Last Wedding Item...

I'm sure we've all had just about enough wedding talk for one week, but I did want to add one thing I heard about afterwards and that was the fact that Prince Williams' ex-girlfriend was in attendence. Not only was she there, but wearing a very bitchy "Look at me, dammit! This should be me!" bright red outfit and hat. (Honestly, British women, what the hell is the deal with you and the hats? You make the Kentucky Derby women look restrained.) Look, inviting exs to your wedding is never a good idea, I don't care who you are. So, between that and the fact that I used Billy Idol last week, rendering "White Wedding" out of play under the rules of the musical interlude which I made up this morning, we're going with some Radiohead.