Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Commercial Break-Down

Well, we have once again come a post where I have to pick apart a commercial I have seen too many times and now can spot all the problems with it, "Mystery Science Theater 3000"-style. This particular commercial is for Liberty Mutual Insurance. Now, the good people at Liberty Mutual shouldn't blame themselves for this. Hell, they shouldn't even blame me. They should blame the time-out system in college basketball. Honestly, why do college basketball coaches need something like 10 time-outs per half? You know what, if you can't give your players instructions with 1 minute to go (which would be about 3 possessions) and hope that they know what to do should the situation change, then you are just an awful coach who needs to work harder in practice. I know all coaches are control freaks, but needing to call a time-out after every possession in the last 1:30 of the game is ridiculous. You have no idea how large the wave of relief is that washes over me when I realize the losing team is out of time-outs, because it means the game might actually end in the next half an hour. I'm as big a sports fan as there is, so when even I want your game to be over you know it is taking too long.

Either way, because of how long the last 2 minutes of college basketball games take and how many commercial breaks are involved I have seen this particular ad, called "Doing the Right Thing" (apparently we name commercials now) approximately 4,000 in the last week. Before we go any further, you can view it for yourself.


:01. First off, why is a blind woman going on a train? I feel like this simple question should not be ignored.

:03 God, who makes out at a train station? More importantly, who does it 5 feet away from their baggage? Get a room or stop leaving unattended bags. Focus, people!

:04 Ok, if I saw someone grabbing for my luggage I am very likely to punch first and ask questions later. I know the old man was just trying to help, but apparently he never learned the lesson to keep your hands off other people's property. Also, the only time I did something similar for a blind person, he yelled at me. Ever since I have assumed no blind person ever wants assistance.

:12 Yeah, great that you helped that guy up, but how about you make your teammate, who just nearly broke a guy's ankle with a low tackle during a casual rec league soccer game, do that and say he's sorry while he is at it? It's the only way he's going to learn to cool off, because this isn't the Premier League. (You just know he's a frustrated college athlete who is pissed he ended up selling insurance.) Maybe a ass kicking is just what he needs.

:20 Seriously, that sucks for that guy, but if his papers were so damned important, why not put them in what appears to be a perfectly acceptable and working briefcase? I kind of believe that is the point of them. Also, if those were really important legal documents, I'm pretty sure you're just going to have to make new copies anyway. Nothing says 'professional' like a patent with a tire track on it.

:28 I will only accept this as an act of kindness provided that you are not letting her slide with extra items in a "10 Items Or Less" express lane. Her cart looks pretty empty, so I think she makes it. Good thing, too, because I highly doubt that guy was letting her go first if she had 50 items to ring up. And I feel like he's really doing the favor to the cashier by getting that crying baby out of her lane faster.

:35 This is undoubtedly the weakest pay-it-forward I have ever seen. The guy was already running and the raft blew into his path. You know what? I don't think that one should count.

:40 Woah, lady, you are going way above and beyond what is necessary given the act of kindness you witnessed. Unless all those leaves blew off your tree (possible, considering I don't see an actual tree in the other woman's yard) you are banking some serious karmic good will. I hate raking with every fabric of my being, so personally I would need something more akin to rescuing a busload of nuns before I raked a yard which was not my own.

:49 How lazy are the people in this office? I know it sucks to clean up a spill that you didn't cause, but how much effort does it actually take to get off your butt and wipe up some coffee? How about showing a little pride in your work space? Sitting there watching a spill makes you lazier than normal. I certainly don't want you handling my insurance claim.

:51 Again, not giving this woman a ton of credit for holding the door because I don't feel like she wanted to. I think the other guy just pushed his way in and she was left playing doorman for the next group, which is why three or four other people get through right after.

:54 So, it's the blind lady from the start of the commercial. Hold on, so now we're entering into some kind of time-warp morality vortex? That's a little heavy for insurance, isn't it?

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