This One Is For You, Canada.

Ok, Canada, you won the gold in the sport that means the most to you. Good for you guys. Big kudos to the USA Hockey team, which was apparently the youngest in the field. They went in expecting to not even medal, so a Silver shouldn't be that much of a disappointment. Still, the Gold Medal winners are the only ones that get their anthem played and the only thing I like more than a well-sung National Anthem is one that has crowd participation. In honor of that, here is one of my all-time favorite YouTube clips.



...and on that note, back to ignoring hockey unless the Bruins are doing well in the playoffs.

Your Country Or Your Baby-Mama?

The only thing better than high-profile drama between two professional athletes is when you throw in the frenzy that comes when those same athletes are asked to represent their country. A couple months ago the story broke that John Terry, the Captain of England's national soccer team, had been caught cheating with the girlfriend on one of his teammates, Wayne Bridge. Now, two guys fighting over a girl is nothing new; once again, this just proves that no matter how old you get, you never get that far out of high school. Terry was stripped of his captaincy, but not removed from the team. Apparently, there was some one better ready to take Bridge's place so the team sided with their former Captain. Only then the guy who was supposed to start got hurt and England turned back to Bridge to be on the team. He told them (very politely, cause he's British) to screw off.

I respect the hell out of this guy. I also am one to never forgive an indiscretion like this (though, if you wait it out I'll very likely forget, because I forget a lot of things). While he's likely to catch a lot of flack for "turning his back" on his country, the fact that none of his teammates respected him enough to call for Terry to be kicked off the team speaks volumes. Still, if I was this guy I would be awfully tempted to accept an invitation to the team and then cause an international incident as I went in, spikes up, to tackle my own teammate on the World Cup stage. Perhaps it's for the best that he gets left at home.

-It's a little weird to see the big hub-bub about the Canadian women's gold medal hockey celebration spilling back onto the ice after the arena was empty. The IOC said they are "looking into this," which sounds ominous until you realise this is the same organization that just ruled China used underage gymnasts back in the 2000 games. They do not strike me as the type to rush to punish people. First off, the arena was empty. Secondly, I would be disappointed in them if they didn't celebrate with beer and champagne. They just achieved a life-long goal and did it with the added bonus that it was in their home country. And I know that we have this image of women being all 'sugar and spice and everything nice,' but these girls are hockey players. Also, it's a sports arena: can we stop pretending like this is some holier-than-thou place? I mean, this is the Olympics, not Church. This is the same sporting event where the Olympic Village has run out of condoms. Let's all get off our high horse here.

Time To Break Up The Big East

The other night as I sat down to watch the Notre Dame/Pittsburgh basketball game, I was hoping for a close game, but went in fully expected Pittsburgh to pull away in the second half. While Pittsburgh is ranked #16 in the nation, Notre Dame has had a fairly unspectacular year and was missing their best player. Should have been a fairly simple win for the Panthers... so, of course, the Irish won by 15. It's just the kind of loss that has come to signify the Big East conference this year, which is why it occurs to me that the Big East can't keep going like this. It's too big, too crowded and too full of solid teams. It can't survive if they keep this up. They need to cut some of these teams out for everyone's sake.

The problem is that merely being a good team isn't enough in the Big East. You have to be great or you will never make it through conference play. Just look at the Irish - of their 10 losses, 8 have come in conference. Barring a shocking run in the Big East tournament, they won't make the NCAA tournament, but it's possible that two A-10 teams could be invited to March Madness even though both of them would likely finish in last place in the Big East. #13 Georgetown, which ran Duke (arguably the best team in the ACC) off the floor, currently sits 6th in the Big East, behind a Marquette team that isn't even ranked. UConn beat then-#1 Texas, but sits just ahead of the Irish with 11 losses, 8 of which were in-conference. The teams are just cannibalizing each other.

By creating this sort of Super-Conference for basketball, all they've done is make sure that no team can get through the season with a record good enough to secure a top seed in the NCAA Tournament. Just two weeks ago everyone thought Villanova was a lock for a #1 seed, but they've suffered a couple of in-conference losses since then and aren't even first in the Big East. No one can keep up a level of sustained success when there are 12 games against Top 25 teams on your schedule. Now, ideally they would get down to 12 teams, but let's start slow and get rid of two teams. My first candidate? Louisville.

Frankly, don't even know why Louisville wants to be in the Big East. First off, I don't know how good you may be at geography, but they are decidedly not East. They have to have huge travelling costs with having to continually go to Pennsylvania and New York. Secondly, when they had their best success in football it was the Bobby Petrino run-and-gun style, which doesn't work when you're play in the Northeast and facing snow, wind and temperatures in the 30s. Don't you think Cardinal fans would be much happier taking Arkansas's place in the SEC (Arkansas jumping to the Big 12 to replace Missouri, who jumps to the Big 10), where they can cultivate the awesome Louisville/Kentucky rivalry twice a year?

Next I was going to suggest South Florida, but we can't kick out two schools that have football teams, because realistically every conference is trying to get to the magic number of 12 for a Conference Championship game. Instead, how about Seton Hall? They're sort of in the same boat as Marquette - good not great, but can get on a good run and make some noise. The problem is they just can't do it consistently enough. They would, however, do very well in the Atlantic 10. They could cruise to an automatic NCAA bid almost every year. It's a much easier path.

So, that's my suggestion to start with. The conference is still loaded so they can still claim to be the best basketball conference, which makes everyone remaining in the Big East happy. Louisville get to market a great rivalry and save on travel costs and Seton Hall can be a perennial contender for the NCAA tournament. Now we just need the rest of the schools in the Big East to agree with me.

Throwing Everyone Out

Just like when something is a trending topic on Twitter, if a local story goes national, it never seems to be for an uplifting reason. The big story last night was Central Falls High School in Rhode Island deciding to fire the entire teaching staff, including the principal. Apparently the school has been doing terrible in standardized testing for a while and has an awful graduation rate, so they were attempting to work on a couple different plans to turn the school around before deciding that the grand show of firing every teacher at once was the way to go. There were protests and rallies with a lot of grandstanding on both sides, but every teacher will still be fired. Say what you want about the rest of the school, but apparently the Central Falls Drama Department appears to be the one area in which they're doing rather well.

Now, I'm not one to advocate for anyone getting fired, especially in this economy, but I have to say my sympathy for the teachers wained a little last night after I saw a couple of them appear on the ABC National News and take the ever so classy stance of blaming the kids. One of them even went so far as to say, "Given the students we had to work with, I think we did an excellent job." Nice. My empathy went down even more when later in the story a student said the following, "Without them we wouldn't not be nothing." It's not every day you see a triple-negative sentence. Now, the school is allowed to hire up to half the faculty back if a new plan isn't approved, but I really don't think the English teachers should be in that group.

-While I think the story about missing actor Andrew Koenig is really sad, how is it that this story has been going on for almost two weeks and I'm just now learning that his dad was the original Checkov?

-Also, congratulations to Seth Green on his engagement. Just further proof that you can be 5'2" and still land hot women if you are a successful actor. I'm sure he got the Hillary Duff treatment that evening. (If you don't get that reference, do your own damn Googling.)

Give It The Fonzie Treatment

One of the more frustrating things in life is when things break for no reason. If you constantly drop your phone or it gets wet, stepped on, run over and crushed - well, you can't really act too shocked when the '9' button suddenly stops working. But, it's very annoying when things work just fine one day and suddenly the next day those same buttons are useless. Recently buttons on my iDock began to do this. With no real warning or cause, the volume and toggle buttons on the dock just stopped working. What makes this stranger is the fact that the toggle buttons are part of a larger circle that make up one button, which has specific pressure points for specific actions (think of like they are situated west and east) and the other two buttons on the same circle (north and south) still work just fine. Now, it's not that big a deal because I can still change the song just using the iPod itself. The bigger issue is the volume, because when the iPod is playing through the dock the only way to change the volume is to track down the remote and change the volume from there. I feel like an idiot having to walk across the room and find the remote, just to turn a song up when I am a foot away from the thing. Really, it's the exact opposite of what a remote is supposed to be doing.

I could understand the problem if the dock had recently fallen or gotten some liquid into it, but it's been very nicely situated on top of my bureau ever since I bought it. Barely moved (if at all) after it came out of the package. Also, I'm hesitant to open it up and look inside, because I'm not savvy with the hardware of electronics. I may as well be looking into an open human chest cavity. At this point I'm seriously thinking of trying to kick it or something to try and shake whatever wire came loose back into place. Then, at least if something else on this thing stops working I could explain it away, "Oh, the radio part doesn't work ever since I threw the dock against the wall."

-I think it's pretty stupid of ESPN to come out and publicly announce the suspension of Tony Kornheiser. Seems kind of petty, almost like they're trying to make an example of him. Furthermore, I actually believe all this talk about his comments about Hannah Storm have actually brought more attention to a topic that would have been forgotten if they didn't keep bringing them up when mentioning the story on SportsCenter. Now it's seeped into other news organizations (my mom asked me about what he said, which proves how big the story has gotten). If they had just quietly given him a couple weeks off it would have seemed like much less of a big deal.

Please Turn In Your License, Sir

On the way home from a couple of quick errands this afternoon, I was coming down a side street towards a red light. There was one car at the light, then two parked cars, half sticking into the road because there was no lane for parking (but clearly parked and empty), then another car. The last car was just far enough over that I couldn't tell if he wanted to park or be part of the traffic flow. When the light turned green he didn't move. I started to go around him, cursing his existence for not being courteous enough to have a blinker on and still missed the light. It was at this point that the guy (who was young enough that he should have been more alert), perked up and then pulled in behind me. In other words, he thought the empty cars were part of traffic, even though they were obviously unoccupied. These are the kind of people I share a road with.

-So, Randy Moss has come out and said that he thinks this coming season with the Patriots will be his last. His contract is about to expire and he doesn't expect to get an extension in Foxboro, because the Patriots don't pay. He said there were no hard feelings and that this was just business. All in all I would say that these comments were very measured and thought-out, just what you would expect of a veteran who is secure with his legacy in the NFL. The only thing I take exception to is when Moss said the Patriots don't pay. If that was the case, they wouldn't be up against the cap every single year. They just don't pay soon-to-be 34 year-old wide receivers who have seen their production drop. They will be paying Vince Wilfork (I hope) and Jerod Mayo. They're simply trying to get the most bang for their buck. Don't make them out to be the Buffalo Bills in this scenario.

-Wait, now I know "trying to trade kids for a bird" sounds bad. But, before we all rush to judgement here, perhaps we should find out what kind of cockatoo it was. I mean, was it the kind that repeats what you say? Did it do tricks? These are the kind of things I want to know before I jump to a conclusion.

Quick Movie Reviews

A phone call to Verizon last month, the purpose of which was just to add another phone line to the house, revealed that we were in line for a whole slew of upgrades. We were now going to get the Golf Channel (YES, YES, Y-E-S!!), several new high-definition channels and the big haul was three free months of HBO, Cinemax and Showtime. So, I've been catching up on my movies the last couple of weeks; both the ones I wanted to see but never made it to the theatres to do so, or the ones which I had no desire to see. (Who am I to turn them down when it's free and there is nothing better on TV?) Anyways, most have been terrible, but I'm giving you my reviews anyway. There are several of them, so I'll make them quick.

Yes, Man A very nice rip-off of Liar, Liar. But, I liked that movie, so this one was fine. I'm less offended because at least it was Jim Carrey copying himself instead of taking a lesser actor and using them to bastardize a sequel, like they did with Jamie Kennedy and Son of the Mask. Frankly, the most unbelievable part of this movie was when Carrey's character was taking guitar lessons from some kid and the song he learned was "Jumper" from Third Eye Blind. Really? Some 17 year-old is going to teach a song that came out when he was 5? I don't care that it came around later in the movie, it bothered me tremendously.

Dance Flick I'm not usually a big fan of parody movie that try to cram 15 movies into one, but at least they are usually good for a chuckle or two. Not this one. I didn't laugh once.

The Soloist I feel like Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey, Jr. were openly trolling for Oscars in this movie. Alas, they just didn't tug on the heart stings enough. (Get it? Heart strings? Cause it's a movie about a guy with a cello? Nevermind, let's just move on.)

You're Welcome, America This came out last year, but I only got around to seeing it now. I love Will Ferrell and think he did the best job of any SNL performer when imitating George Bush. But, I got the joke after 15 minutes and this thing was an hour and a half. Could have been half as long and it would have been better.

Journey to the Center of the Earth You know how occasionally rides at amusement parks are based off of movies? In this case, I think they had the ride ready before the movie was done. It's basically three people in front of a green screen for a couple hours.

The Mummy 3 Ouch, Brendan Fraser goes 0-2. I used to really like this guy as an actor after School Ties and With Honors, but he's had some really bad misses lately. This was another movie where they probably paid the writer $15 and spent the rest on special effects.

12 Rounds If you accept going in that it's an action movie starring a wrestler you will have a much more enjoyable time. There is no heavy thought involved and also some very large explosions. Kind of all you could want from this, actually.

Death Race Yes, Jason Statham, we get it - you like cars. Maybe you should start liking movies that have plots.

Role Models You should just see I Love You, Man instead. It was funnier.

Found Time

Last time I was in a restaurant there was a small line when I got to the hostess. After giving my name, I was told that there would be a 10-20 minute wait before getting a table. I was given one of those little buzzers to let me know when my table was going to be ready and headed off to the bar. The thing went off roughly 5 minutes later. Now, I'm not complaining, but I kind of feel like this always happens. The conclusion I have reached is that the restaurant industry has banded together to purposely lie about how long waits are going to be, because this way they look much better when they come in under that deadline.

This, of course, begs the question: why don't more companies do this? Everyone is excited when they don't have to wait as long as they anticipated, why not give everyone that minute of excitement? No one complains when you do something faster than expected, so it's not like it'll show up on a performance review. If someone tells you that a procedure is going to take 3 hours, but you get out of there in under 2 suddenly you've got free time, which is something we all enjoy. If you've cleared 3 hours of the day and get out early, you've been refunded an hour to do whatever you want with. All of a sudden you're in the adult version of recess. It's the best feeling ever.

-So, the big NBA rumor right now is that the reason Josh Howard was traded from the Mavericks is because he showed up to a game in November too hung over to play and that was the beginning of the end of his time in Dallas. Apparently he had gone out the night before and still was not in game shape for a 7 PM start. To summarize Ron Burgundy, "I'm not even mad, that's just impressive." What makes this story all the more strange (I don't doubt for a second that he was hung-over, by the way. Josh Howard never struck me as the type of guy who knows when to say when.), is that this allegedly happened in Washington before a game against the Wizards. And who was he traded to? The Wizards. Now, I worked in a stadium for two years and therefore I can say with confidence that the Wizards had to know about this story. After every home Patriots game the stadium would be buzzing with the latest dirt about the visiting team: what guy looked hung over, who wasn't talking to the coaches - anything that would make the guys working in the bowels of the place feel like they had a scoop along the lines of Mortensen of Schefter. So, if the Wizards knew about this and traded for him anyway, then I can see why they would choose to give a guy like Gilbert Arenas $110 million dollars - they're idiots.

Do I Need To See This?

I was stunned at the world-wide reaction to the Tiger Woods press conference yesterday. For all the talk that golf isn't a real sport and that Kobe or LeBron might be more well-known, I can't think of another athlete that gets the world to stop for 15 minutes just because he is reading a prepared statement. It was everywhere yesterday - you couldn't avoid it if you wanted to (Ok, fine. You probably could have if you, you know, work during the day.) The point is that he was on 10 or 15 channels and all over the Internet. If you ever wanted to know who wins a popularity contest, I think that just about settles it.

As for the statement itself - frankly, watching it just made me really uncomfortable. Fortunately for me, I don't have much experience having to deal with people who are going through addiction rehabilitation, but that is clearly what Woods was doing yesterday. It felt like I was watching something that should have stayed behind closed doors, but instead Tiger's people thought this spectacle would be better off taking place in front of the entire world. All I wanted to know was when/if he will be coming back this year and I didn't get my answer. I learned more from the fact that there were leaked photos of him practicing than from anything he said. For the first time I am actually doubting that he might be back for the Masters, but I don't doubt he'll be back at some point this year. At the end of the day, that's all I care about. Tiger didn't let me down, because I didn't expect anything from him but great golf. And frankly, if you expect more than athletic greatness from your favorite athletes, you better be under the age of 15 or else I feel pretty sorry for you.

-I find it kind of funny that the Knicks fans are celebrating the fact that their team was able to unload several bad contracts for expiring ones. They seem to think this means that it is almost a certainty that LeBron James will be playing in New York next season. While I don't doubt they have a better chance to land him than several of the teams who will have a lot of cap space this free agency period, I don't know if they should start printing those new jerseys just yet. It was a good first step, but they need to make sure they management follows through. As a Celtic fan I know what can happen when you put all your effort into one plan of action, only to have the reality go in a completely different direction (see: tanking for Tim Duncan or Greg Oden and ending up with neither). They need to actually be able to sell James on the long-term plan or else next season will end up with David Lee and Gilbert Arenas on the cover of the media guide.

The Power Of Emphasis

It's funny how just the slightest change in tone can completely alter how a sentence is perceived. Put too much power behind one word and suddenly what you meant to say can be sent completely sideways. I was listening to the news this afternoon and heard the exact same quote on two different channels being said by two different journalists and each put the emphasis on a different word, so each one seemed to be implying a different message. Here's what they said and where they put the emphasis:

"It's always a good idea to get your facts right before you speak."
This gave it a slightly sarcastic tone. From the sound of it the person in question was annoyed that the speaker didn't take the time to craft out a comprehensive thought and just fired out the first thing that popped into his head. Basically, he could have a hell of a career in sports talk radio. Annoying, but not really awful.

"It's always a good idea to get your facts right before you speak."
This puts the sentence in an entirely new direction, because by just shifting the emphasis one word over, now your insulting the speaker for not being well informed and speaking out of turn. Not even the slightest bit funny, you just sound angry at the guy.

The simple solution would seem to be to simply write this stuff out, but then you have to watch out for the comma placement. You have no idea how much time I spend putting in commas, because I try to write the same way that I speak and I pause for dramatic effect way too much for my own good. A fine example of what commas can do for you:

Dave says Mike is a great player.
Dave, says Mike, is a great player.

One of those Mike is the good player, the other it's Dave. Two little commas can change the entire basis of the story (yes, it was a big editing day for me, can you tell?). Basically, I think from here on out I'm just going to start writing with no punctuation whatsoever and you guys can figure out for yourself what tone I was going for.

No, Danny, No...

I hate when people do something just for the sake of being able to say they did something, yet that is what the Celtics did today when they acquired Nate Robinson. To begin with I'm not a fan of Mr. Robinson (we'll get to why in a second), but I mostly didn't like this trade because it seemed more reactionary than anything; a failed attempt to match the Cleveland Cavalier trade for Antawn Jamison. Cleveland went out and got a nice complimentary piece to add to their championship run, meanwhile the Celtics went out and traded for a shoot-first, back-up point guard. It doesn't seem the kind of move meant to guarantee long-term success. They needed to get younger, but they may have just gotten crazier.

The Celtics problem this season has not been with offense, but they still went out and got a shoot-first "point guard" who only plays that position because he isn't tall enough to be a shooting guard. In addition he has played the last two seasons in the Mike D'Antoni offense, which is as run and gun as you can get (thus inflating his stats). I think any offensive numbers he has put up should be taken with a grain of salt, just like any player who plays along side Steve Nash or Jason Kidd should probably be considered 80% of the player that their numbers would suggest.

The other issue I have is what this could possibly do to team chemistry. Eddie House was the kind of player who has a different handshake for each teammate and seemed perfectly content to play the role the team asked him to. Great for the locker room. Nate Robinson is the kind of guy who wants to gun it as soon as he gets into the game and keeps entering the dunk contest as a way to get more attention. Also, he'll try these dunks in games, which is not really the time or place. He also doesn't seem particularly bothered by losing as long as he gets his stats (see: Davis, Ricky) and D'Antoni's system has allowed him to not have to worry about playing defense for the last couple of years. For a team that prides itself on defense, adding Nate Robinson does not seem like the kind of move that will help them get past the Cavaliers or Magic. I shudder to think what he and Rasheed Wallace might do to the young guys in the locker room (JR Giddens and Bill Walker may have just dodged huge, career-altering bullets).

This is the second year in a row in which Danny Ainge has gone out and taken a flier on a guy with questionable work habits and a less-than-stellar reputation (who I was also not a fan of). Last year it was Stephon Marbury and that didn't exactly work out. The Celtics lost because they didn't have enough height, Stephon spent the summer crying on a webcam and now he plays in China. While I don't think Nate is going to have to start working on his Chinese, I also don't think this move means I'm going to have to clear my calendar for game nights stretching deep into the summer.

-While I normally wouldn't think of this as a big story, I just want to know if Nancy Grace will be on TV, railing about how guilty this woman must be before all the facts roll in...

Breaking Through Twitter

Really, that 140 character limit just kills me sometimes...

-So, Tiger Woods is holding a press conference Friday at 11 AM to announce... something. It's a pretty smart ploy: limited media access (therefore controlling some questions), comfortable environment and taking place in the middle of a day in which there are two golf tournaments and the Olympics going on. It will still be a huge story, but it should be a little less of a frenzy this way. Also, it will be nice to end speculation either way once we know he when he play again, because really thats all anyone cares about anymore. Once he is back just playing golf then the rest of it will fade away. Really, Donte Stallworth killed a guy and still signed a new contract today. We live in a very forgiving society.

-So, it's the first day of Lent and I still haven't decided what I'm giving up yet. I kind of feel like being bold and giving up chocolate. Then again, I'm not sure I would actually make it all the way through. Tell you what I will not be trying to give up and that is Diet Pepsi. I wouldn't make it to Friday.

-Watching the Westminster Dog Show last night reminded me of how weird those people are. Dogs are not meant to be fluffed up and paraded around. Dogs are meant to be played with, which leads to them finding ways to get dirty in a perfectly clean house and then they take up more of the bed than they need. I think these dog show people are the same kids you grew up with who bought toys and kept them in the package because they were worth more that way. Sure, eventually, but where is the fun in eventually?

-I can't believe my niece Abigail is turning 3 today. It seems like just yesterday we were staring through the glass in the nursery at her, marvelling at how big she was and annoying the crap out of my sister by commenting on how much hair she had. Ah, memories.

It's A Vicious Circle

For those of you who have never been lucky enough to live in the Northeast corner of the United States, let me explain how the weather cycle works around here. People lose their minds the first time that we are scheduled to get more than 6 inches of snow, feel kind of stupid when we only end up with 3 inches, don't believe the weatherman the next time he calls for significant amounts of snow, get crushed because that will be the time he is right and that sends us into a cycle lasting the rest of winter in which we over-preparing for one snowstorm and under-preparing for the next one. It is how it works every single year. In other words, I should not have been surprised with what happened today.

Last week we were scheduled to get a large storm in the middle of the day. Now, last time this happened no one took the weatherman too seriously and it caused major problems all over the place. At the time I was working 9 miles from where I live and it took me over 2 hours to get home. Because of that, people did not want a repeat and cancelled everything in anticipation: people stayed home from work, schools let out early, late activities were cancelled and all sports were postponed. Only then it didn't snow much at all. We ended up with less than four inches of light, fluffy snow. I guess the 57 computer models never accounted for the fact that winds can shift. Everyone was feeling pretty stupid for over-reacting to a storm that ended up never materializing.

So, when we were scheduled to only get 3-6 inches of snow this afternoon, no one took it too seriously. Plus, it's school vacation week, so no one had to worry about kids getting home from school. Thus, no plows went out, everyone went to work and no one worried too much as it began to snow heavier around the middle of the afternoon. Only this was the worst kind of snow that you can get - the kind that mixed with rain and created really heavy slush which was covering a thin layer of ice. Awesome. Before everyone snapped out of it and got the plows on the roads it was pretty much a nightmare out there. But, on the positive side, I had forgotten the adrenaline rush you get when you turn the steering wheel to the left and the car keeps going straight. Really reminds you why you buy a car with all-wheel drive.

-So far in these Winter Olympics neither Lithuania nor Ireland has won a medal of any color. Guess we can see where I got my winter sports prowess from. But, at least I finally saw a Lithuanian competitor today in the biathlon. Sure, she was coming in 34th at the time, but that's better than nothing.

Pitino, College Football and The Olympics

-Apparently, Rick Pitino's people have started to put out feelers for him to be the next coach of the New Jersey Nets. He is denying it, which means it absolutely happened. I can understand why he wants to get out of Louisville (been there a while, had some "off-court issues", doesn't want to share a state with Calipari) but I can't imagine he really wants to go back to the pros. He had some success with the Knicks, but that was so long ago that no player would remember that. All they will remember is him bombing with the Celtics. He would be better off looking for another college-level position. (Sure seems like the UConn job may be open after this year.) But, of course, as a Celtics fan I would love to see this happen. I can think of nothing better than keeping the Nets rebuilding for 10 more years and getting the chance to boo Pitino twice a year at the Fleetcenter.

-Now that college football is over, several major college conferences are starting to look at expansion. You see, the big money in college football comes from Conference Championships. But, to have a Conference Championship you need to have at least 12 teams in your conference. As a result, the Big 10 Conference (which has 11 teams despite its name, by the way) is looking to add another team and the Pac-10 (which does have 10 teams) are both looking to expand, and both have set their eyes on the University of Texas. I can see why, as Texas has great athletics throughout the university, famous alums and rabid subway fans. But, the Big Ten is mostly made up of teams from the Midwest and the Pac-10 is all Pacific Coast teams. Texas moving to either conference makes as much sense as Boston College being in the ACC (in other words, it would happen only because of a crapload of money). Leave Texas alone. Here's what I propose instead: Utah and BYU move to the Pac-10 and Missouri moves to the Big 10 and Boise State jumps to the Big 12. Everyone wins.

-I watched a lot more of the Olympics than I intended to this weekend. I don't really like the Olympics because with several sports I can never tell what is going on and no idea who wins, as every run looks pretty much the same. But, I will say this - the fields are clearly very equal. I was blown away watching the cross-country skiing and see that the difference from first place to DFL was around 3 minutes. Best guy in the world was a Britney Spears song away from being the worst in his sport. It just reminded me of this Jerry Seinfeld bit:

Let Me Help You Out

So, it's Valentine's Day again. A day that is supposed to be the most romantic of all the days on the calendar, yet for some reason never seems to quite get there. Here is what I have discovered: Valentine's Day only matters to those who have either been in a relationship for less than a year or are not in a relationship now. If this is your first Valentine's Day together, you feel enormous pressure to make it a memorable day. After the first one of a relationship, Valentine's Day sort of loses it's luster pretty quickly. And, if you are single for some reason people equate this with meaning there is something the matter with you, when all it really means is that you aren't one to hop into a relationship just because February 14th is coming. Personally, I like Valentine's Day - nothing wrong with making sure that your significant other knows how you feel. You probably think they know, but it never hurts to cover your bases.

Anyways, just two pieces of advice for Valentines Day, one for each gender:

To the Ladies: Any jack-off can make you feel special the one day of the year he has been commanded to do so. It's the ones who pull it off on a random Thursday in June that you should keep an eye out for.
To the Gentlemen: Don't get engaged today. Far too cliche. C'mon, you can do better than that.

Now, in honor of the holiday I spent a little time throwing together a playlist for you. 15 songs and over an hours worth of music to get you through. But, if you can't close the deal in an hour... well, you have bigger problems than I can help you with.

Opening Ceremony Ramblings

Some thoughts collected while watching the Opening Ceremonies of the Vancouver Olympics...

-While I was right in my guess about the person who finally lit the torch, I would have lost major money if you allowed me to bet on things like "Celine Dion will be prominently involved." They must not have been able to afford her... after all, they did only have a $40 million budget.

-I learned that Ethiopia had a ski team. (Well, it's not so much a "team" as it is one guy, but still.) The more shocking part is that this is his second Olympic games and last time around he came in 87th out of 94 skiers. Who the hell lost to the Ethiopian skier last time around? I can guarantee you this, they probably aren't around this time to do it again.

-Macedonia had to march in with the 'F' countries because technically, for Olympic purposes, their full name is "the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia." Because of this literal attention to detail, I get the feeling that members of the IOC are the kind of people who alphabetize their DVD collection very precisely, thus movies like The Godfather and The Fugitive would be found among the Ts.

-I couldn't get over how many countries only sent one athlete, but had 3 people marching with that one person. Apparently if you want to march in the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, instead of a lifetime of training, it would be much easier to be an official for a small country.

-Do you think that when the delegations from countries like Canada and the US, who had 206 athletes each, walk by athletes from countries like Cyprus they have to fight the urge to turn to them and point out that the entirety of what their country spent on a training program probably wouldn't cover what it cost to buy the Ralph Lauren jackets for the US team?

-For my money, Ireland had the cutest flag-bearer.

-I thought the coolest part of the opening ceremony was visual effect of the Orca whales that spouted through the floor. Unfortunately, that means the coolest part was 45 minutes into a 4 hour show.

-I'm not sure if the sound was just off or it was lip-synced, but everyone seemed to be just behind on the singing. I guess that's a good thing. You wouldn't want a singer to be too good at lip-syncing, it would be like a basketball player being a little too good at intentionally missing free throws.

-Speaking of the singers, I never knew Sara McLaughlin was Canadian. I feel like I'm going to spend the next 16 days repeating the phrase: "I never knew that person was Canadian..."

-Not sure which will get their biopic made first, but when it happens either K.D. Lang will play Rob Schneider or Rob Schneider will play K.D. Lang. [My dad's take on K.D. Lang: "She looks like a young Wayne Newton."]

-You know who I can never stand? Beat poets. My opinion was not changed after last night.

-Another thing I'm not a fan of? Those parties where everyone is asked to wear white, like it's some Caribbean wedding. Some of those jackets were very nice and you're covering them up with ponchos for visual effects? Not cool.

-While all the preamble was visually impressive, the simple fact remains everyone only tunes in to see the torch lit. Therefore, perhaps some of the $40 million budget should have been used to make sure the doors would open when they were supposed to. Take $5 out of the budget and get some extra WD-40 so next time Gretzky isn't standing there with nothing to do for 4 minutes.

Happy 101

So, everyone else has already done one of these, why don't I?

The Rules:
1. List 10 things that make you happy.
2. Pass it on to 5 bloggers who make your day a better one.

10 Things That Make Me Happy

1. When my nieces see me for the first time that day. "Hi, Uncle Tommy!" Always makes me smile.

2. Getting emails from people I haven't heard from in a while. It's always fun to reconnect with old friends.

3. When I hit two good golf shots in a row. Because it just happens so infrequently.

4. Conversations with my friends that are made up of nothing but Family Guy quotes.

5. Finding a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in the freezer. They are so much better when they are cold.

6. Weekend jaunts to cities in the U.S. It's a great thing to getaway, but not have to exchange any money or learn a new language.

7. Midnight dance parties.

8. The first really warm day of spring. I'm expecting it to be about mid-June the way this winter appears to want to drag on.

9. Getting a winning steak going on the "Streak for Cash." For all my talk, it turns out that I'm very rarely right about sports, so it's great when I can be for 4 or 5 events in a row.

10. Finishing a really stupid project. It's very satisfying to finish something that had been annoying me for a while.

Now, as for the "passing it along" aspect - I'm out. Much like with Facebook, I'm too late to the party for this to happen. Everyone has already done this or been tagged. So, I'm not going to tag anyone specifically, just know you can boost it from here if you are so inclined.

Blackout Ramblings

Despite what the weathermen and their maps of doom might have said, we ended up not getting much snow at all yesterday. After forecasts that had us getting anywhere from 6-15 inches of snow on the ground, which caused countless activities in the area to be cancelled, we ended up with maybe two inches of snow on the ground by the late evening. At around 6:30, I had the TV on and was enjoying watching the weathermen try to backtrack and explain to us how they were all so wrong, when I heard a loud buzzing coming from down the street. This was immediately followed by a bright flash and my house plunged into darkness. Apparently, a transformer blew at the end of the street. [Sidebar: It is at this point of the story I would like to point out there are areas of Washington, D.C. that have 50 inches of snow on the ground, but have yet to lose power, whereas we got a dusting and apparently our equipment couldn't take it. Not your best moment, Norwood.]

Now, I think this qualifies as a blackout, because it happened at night, which I believe is the main criteria that separates a blackout from a simple power outage. Anyway, here are some thoughts collected while sitting in relative darkness for almost 3 hours:

-We are well-equipped to deal with darkness in this house. Everyone had a flashlight in their hands almost immediately. We could have had a sweet flashlight tag game going in a heartbeat. [Note to self: play flashlight tag this summer, as it is fun.] Also, enough candles to make it seem as though we were back in the Old West.

-Speaking of the 1800's, no wonder every farmer back then got up at the ass-crack of dawn to work the land. It's really easy to get up at 4 AM when you go to bed at 9 PM cause it's dark and there is nothing to do.

-What is it about using a flashlight to scan a darkened room that makes you feel like a cast member of CSI? I wanted to start using all sorts of sophisticated science dialog but then I realised, oh yeah, I don't know any.

-Not only are there a lot of candles around here, they are all scented. As a result, every room smell differently. If you were in the hallway it could be a little overwhelming as they all mashed together. Is that Christmas Tree, Lavender, Kiwi and Autumn Splendor? Why yes, yes it is.

-While I am a master of getting a fire going, my brother and father are fantastic at pointing out what they would do differently to build that same fire.

-Everything seems classier if eaten by candlelight.

-We had a lot of kindling at our disposal, because we have been cleaning out the office. As a result of this there are lots of old records that need to be shredded before being thrown away. But, instead of shredding them, last night we decided to use them to keep the fire going. I have to say, it is impossible to throw any type of official-looking paper into a fire without feeling like you are about to cover up a crime. "This document would save the orphanage. I guess it's too bad for the children I like my living room warm. Muhahaha!"

-Once the lights came back on I reminded that, for a guy who rarely has to be anywhere at specific times, I have a lot of clocks in my room.

This Is Why You Call Ahead

Yesterday I was determined to play some golf. I wanted to get at least 9 holes of real golf in, because I was tired of just going to the driving range. Also, we're apparently going to get a foot of snow this afternoon so I figured this was my last/only chance for a couple weeks. In preparation I called around and found a couple golf courses that offer winter golf as long as it is not actively snowing. Even the weather cooperated, because it was 37 degrees on Tuesday, which is downright balmy for Massachusetts this time of year. So, I Under-Armoured myself up (seriously, I was covered from my toes to the top of my head... I'm such a label whore) and headed out to the first club in Canton.

I rolled up and there were a few cars in the parking lot, which I took to be a good sign. I wasn't quite sure where I was supposed to go and wandered into the clubhouse, which looked really nice to be a member of (another sign I'm getting older is that I actively look at the price to join country clubs). It took me a while to find someone to talk to, and when I finally ran into someone inside it was an older woman who looked at me as if I had three head when I asked if they were open for golf. "We have a funeral today," she said. Umm, does that effect the golf? Is the funeral taking place on the first tee? Nevermind, this must be a thing that they do for members and the guy I talked to must not have known it was happening, so I'll just move on.

So, I then headed to the second club over in Plainville. The person I talked to last week assured me they were open. The website said the hours were 6 AM - 5 PM. But, I pulled into the parking lot at 11 AM and there was no one around. Not another car in the parking lot, not another person on the ground - nothing. The gate was open and I was momentarily tempted to just say screw it and start golfing anyway, but then I figured getting arrested for trespassing would not look good in the long run. In the end I ended up going to the indoor driving range, which was on the way home anyway, where I proceeded to sweat buckets because wearing cold-weather Under Armour inside is more effective than sitting in a sauna.

Alright, so the golf didn't work out. But, I was still going to have a good lunch. I had plans to go to Outback Steakhouse with my dad, because all I wanted was a steak, some fries and a beer. We pulled into the parking lot and got the first spot right next to the door at Outback. It seemed a little too convenient and that fact was confirmed when I noticed the sign on the door that displayed the restaurant's hours - they don't open until 4 pm. What kind of restaurant is only open for dinner? This day was not exactly falling into place the way I had envisioned. But, it was redeemed when we went up the road to TGIFridays and I still got my steak, fries and a couple beers that were the size of my forearms.

So, morals of the story: call and confirm that a place is open on the actual day you plan to go - not a couple days beforehand. Also, a couple beers the size of your forearms can do wonders to improve how a day is going.

30 Things I've Learned As I Turn 30

Normally, I am not one to make a big deal out of my birthday. I have always been the type of person who would rather not call attention to myself on this kind of stuff. That doesn't mean I don’t enjoy my birthday – quite the opposite actually. The thing is I just like to keep it (and my life) low-key. But, this year is different, because it’s a milestone birthday. The rules change for any birthday that ends in a zero or a five. On these birthdays, I like to take a moment to look back. Reflect, if you will, on what I have learned in my life.

Now, when I do this I’m usually filled with a familiar emotion – embarrassment. It’s true that the problem with youth is that it is wasted on the young, because age brings wisdom. You see, when I turned 21 I thought back to the man I was at 18 and came away with one thought: "What a jackass." At 18 I thought I knew it all and I was cocky as hell. That kid needed a head slap in the worst way. Surely the much more worldly man I was at 21 was smarter than the idiot I was at 18. Only then I turned 25 and thought back to the man I was at 21… and was hit with the same emotion. I didn't know nearly as much as I thought I did back then. So, as I hit 30, I am not shocked to realize that all the stuff I thought I knew at 25 doesn't seem all that smart at 30. I’m sure at 35 I’ll read this and laugh at all the stuff I knew at 30. I guess you’ll just have to check back in 5 years. But, in the interim, here are 30 things I've learned at 30, in absolutely no order.

1. People don’t change. This isn't to say people don’t evolve. Their personal tastes can change, their style can change. I recently read an article that said taste buds are constantly evolving, so it's not unusual if someone suddenly develops a new favorite beer at 28. What I mean is that who someone is, deep at their core, is never going to change. If they were a selfish asshole at 15, when they hit 25 and the chips are down they will absolutely revert to being that selfish asshole again. We always want to think that people will change in that situation, but it isn't going to happen. Which brings me to…

2. Despite popular belief you can, in fact, fool yourself. I've found people can talk themselves into just about anything, even after being presented all evidence to the contrary. Everyone else can see the forest for the trees, but you focus on one branch and can tell yourself anything about that branch and you will believe it with all your heart. It's only when the branch falls off and stabs you in the eye that you realize why all your family and friends were telling you to back away from the branch (Holy shit, that was a long tree metaphor). The point is that our heart can often over-rule our minds. A nice segway to...

3. First impressions are usually the best impressions. That's right, the Head and Shoulders commercial was right. Once again, people don't change so you should go with your first instincts on people. If a girl seems too crazy to date, then three years later she won't have gotten any less crazy, she'll just have learned to better disguise it and you will be swayed by how less-crazy she seems. It was right the first time and eventually you'll discover it isn't right now. The crazy is still in there, looking for an excuse to get out. Now, some of you might think this is generalizing, but I it saves time. For example, when I meet people who think Phish is the greatest band ever, I know that we shouldn't hang out. Skips a whole long, drawn-out process.

4. Never bet on sports the first six weeks of any season. You don’t know anything about these teams. Hell, the coaches barely know what is going on with their teams for the first six weeks. It’s a recipe for disaster and lost money. As a corollary…

4A. Don’t buy sports memorabilia from anyone but established stars. It's a little like wagering on the stock market. You can be pretty sure this guy will be a Hall of Famer, but you most likely don't get a vote. For example: right now Brandon Jennings looks like he's destined to be an All-Time great. In reality, he's one knee injury from being the answer to that trivia question where no one has any idea who he even is. Take it from a guy with lots of signed Ron Mercer gear.

5. You can not put a price on making something someone else's problem. Normally I'm stubborn enough to think I can do most home-improvement projects. However, I do not mess with electricity or poison ivy. Sometimes it’s just for the best to sit back and let a job be done right the first time by a professional. I can not tell you the load that comes off my mind when it comes time to call in the guys who I am certain knows what they're doing and let them take care of it while I sit on the couch and drink beer. It's fantastic. [Editor's note: this became crystal clear in 2010. There are two kinds of problems - those that can be solved with money and those that can't. I have discovered you can always scrap money together and thus, I no longer worry about the first kind, but the second kind are the ones I wouldn't wish on my enemy.]

6. Never be afraid to ask the tough question. Maybe you're staring down your boss, hesitant to ask for a raise. Maybe you want to confront a friend about a rumor you've heard. Maybe you want to ask the cable company if it's possible to get extra channels for free. Whatever your question may be, just ask it already. You're never going to get an answer (whether it's the one you want or not) as long as you stand there with your mouth closed. Even if it's not the response you want, at least you have your answer and can stop going back and forth in your head.

7. There are 3 types of people when it comes to ‘drama’:
a. Those who avoid it at all costs.
b. Those who fight to avoid it, but it finds them regardless of their best efforts.
c. Those that create it when there is no need for it.

Just know that Group A shouldn't be friends with Group C and vice versa, because they will not get along, and Group C always finds a reason to be around Group B. Also, reality TV casts its shows exclusively from Group C which is why, as a member of Group A, I never watch reality TV.

8. Be ready to back up your guarantee. The quickest way to never be trusted again is to talk a big game and then come up really small. It's better to be honest and say “I'm not totally sure I can pull that off,” than it is to say you can and fall flat on your face.

9. Always keep mints in your car and at your desk at work. Look, you just never know, so cover your bases. Besides ‘the guy with the mints’ is not a bad moniker to pick up at work. It beats ‘the guy with chronic halitosis’.

10. We're all crazy - it's just a matter of to what degree. I have a friend who is currently dating a girl that hates ketchup. It's not just that she doesn't want it on her food, but she hates it to the point she won't even handle it long enough to pass it across the table. In fact, she would rather you pass it the other way around the table when possible, because she doesn't want it crossing her path, much like a black cat. But, I'm hardly one to talk – I will only put movies onto my shelves when I have enough to add an equal amount to every shelf and thus make sure the rows stay the same length. See? I'm nuts too. The point is that we all have some crazy in us and so you shouldn't judge too harshly when someone does something out of the ordinary. But, you just need to see what level of crazy that person is and how much crazy you're willing to tolerate (see #24).

11. Do NOT be cheap with your bed. This is probably the second biggest lesson I want you to take from this. When I was younger I slept on a messed up boxspring and crappy mattress because I got it in my head that a bed on the ground was what I was supposed to sleep on in my early 20s. I'll tell you this: never again. Having a fantastic bed waiting for you at the end of a day can do wonders. Spring for every accessory they offer, too: double pillow-top mattress, egg-crate pad (or even better, that pillow-top mattress pad), down comforters, high thread-count sheets. I practically sleep in a cloud right now. It's fantastic. No day that begins and ends in a comfortable bed can ever be considered all that bad.

12. Read the damn directions. Also, call ahead and confirm that a store will be open. It will just speed the entire process up. See my post about the Christmas light process I dealt with this winter for further proof.

13. Everyone gossips. Even if they want to talk about how much of a gossip you are, they sure as hell aren't going to do it in front of you (this ties in nicely to #20, by the way). Right now there are people talking about you behind your back. The trick is not giving a shit.

14. Be sure not to over-stay your welcome. I learned this one from my grandfather who, when he had had enough, got up and left. No big goodbye, no drawn out “one last story.” He didn't want to impose and he never wanted people looking at their watches wondering how much longer he would be there. Much like show business he always left them wanting more.

15. Some activities are age-specific. Sure, some things really are timeless. I’m gonna play video games until the nurses at the home have to pry the remote from my cold, dead hands. But, that doesn't mean there aren't other activities I've had to give up the last few years. Last week someone told me that, “30 is the new 20.” Really? Cause I feel 30 (you should hear my knees pop), and I look 30 (I've been growing out my hair recently and it's allowed me to discover I'm going gray around my temples. Apparently I'm going to look like Paulie Walnuts before too long. At least I would if this hadn't spurred me to make the decision to never grow my hair out again). And if I tried to go to a Taylor Swift concert, everyone would wonder where my kid was or look at me as the creepy old guy. I know you're only as old as you feel but, trust me, go into a dance club with a group of 23 year-olds after you hit 29… you feel really damn old.

16. Never be the first one to follow “the one”. Gentlemen, if a girl just got out of a 3 year relationship and you hope to have a long-term relationship with her, you have to back off. She's going to need to throw the cooch around for a couple months. Give her 6-8 months to work all that stuff out and then she'll be open to a real, solid new relationship. Relationships that start right after a lengthy one ended never work out in the long-haul. Also, you move in to soon and you run the risk she'll dump your ass the first time the ex drunk dials her. And ladies, just know guys hang on to ex-girlfriends a lot longer than we want you to believe.

17. Write It Down. You have a fantastic idea. You convince yourself that there is no way you will ever forget to do this great idea, because it is so brilliant. Well, that may be the case when you had less going on, but that is no longer how it works. Keep a pad of paper handy, write it down and make sure that you remember this later.

18. You are not allowed to get mad at someone when they don't react the way you expect them to. Whenever I have a heated argument with someone I'll walk away to cool myself off. While in this cooling off period, I usually start to go through the next conversation, almost as if I'm writing out a screenplay. The problem comes when the next conversation starts and the other person says something unexpected, because then I get madder. In my mind I'm like a director and I have to fight the urge to yell things like, "That is not your line! No improv!" Because of this I feel comfortable telling you that it is a much better idea to go in with no expectations of how a conversations are going to go, because people are annoyingly unpredictable.

19. The Strip Club Effect. I've talked about this before, but what it boils down to is this: if you want to go to a place at an off-peak time, expect the off-peak staff. You'll be sacrificing service in the name of smaller crowds. It's not a bad plan; just know that it comes with some drawbacks.

20. The thing that pisses people off the most is usually something they do themselves. No one likes a liar, but do you know who really hates liars? Liars. And the people who demand that you never keep secrets are usually the people with the most skeletons in their closet (bonus life lesson: that can be literal. Watch out for the quiet ones). I think it's because by seeing a person who is repeating their worst traits back at them, they are forced to see how terrible they are being.

21. No one repeatedly does something they hate. People have a tremendous capacity to put up with bullshit. Still, everyone has a breaking point and if they haven't reached that point by now, it's not coming. They can bitch all they want about how they hate being the person everyone comes to with a problem, but deep down they like it. They want to be the person that everyone turns to when things go wrong. They just don't want this fact to be taken for granted, so they make a fuss occasionally.

22. Wear whatever makes you comfortable. No matter how in style you may be that day, in 15 years your kids will look back at the clothes you were wearing and be embarrassed anyway. I can already hear my nieces in 20 years looking at pretty much every picture of me from the last couple of years and saying, “Oh look, uncle Tommy is wearing a long sleeve shirt under a polo shirt. How original.” Whatever, it’s comfortable. You may as well be cozy as they make fun of your pegged jeans.

23. Watch TV every now and again. In this world of over-stimulation, it’s a wise idea to engage in some mindless activities once in a while. Just put your feet up and stop thinking for a couple hours. The problem you were trying to work out will still be there after Big Bang Theory. Also, TV can be a good ice-breaker at parties where you don't know anyone else. No one likes the person who physically pushes their way into a conversation, only to kill it by being that person who says, “Oh, I never watch TV.” Well, then go join a book club, you ass, because in this conversation circle we were talking about whether or not a pirate really would beat a knight like Deadliest Warrior says would happen.

24. Couples have to live together before they get married. I can not count the number of couples I knew that were lovey-dovey with each other, planning their weddings and their kids' college graduation parties, only to move in together and break up within 6 months because she refused to clean her hair out of the drain after a shower. You need to find out how annoying that person is now and decide if you can live with that, because in 20 years that cute/annoying thing they do will not be nearly as cute and 100 times as annoying.

25. Some times, ok is just going to have to be good enough. Personally, this was the hardest lesson I have had to learn, because I am a perfectionist. There is always a better way to write that sentence, build that cabinet or organize this room. However, we live in a deadline-driven world and at some point you need to turn stuff in. After that point it is out of your hands. Just do the best you can with the time you have. [Editor's note: this does not apply to this blog because I happen to be my own editor. I can tinker with this stuff until the end of time. If you check back in 3 weeks number 13 – 16 might be completely different. The perfectionist in me still wins!!]

26. Failure is a tremendous character builder. There is something to be said for taking a shot in the stomach and getting back up. When everything comes easy, it'll just make it harder the first time something goes wrong. If you've faced failure before then is easier to overcome it next time. It's the people who are willing to risk failing that usually end up being the most successful in the end. [Sidebar: This also applies to comedy. Are you hot? I have to tell you what no one else will: you're not funny, so please stop trying. Sorry, but humor is one of those things that has to be developed by a trial and error process and let's face it, beautiful people are rarely corrected, because someone out there is trying to have sex with them. See: McCarthy, Jenny.]

27. I don't care if you are 98% certain that a dish was washed, unless you are 100%, wash it again. Just do it. It’s better for everyone involved. How long does it take to wash a dish anyway? You can not put a price on peace of mind.

28. Personal heartbreak can be an indicator of impending fan success. This is why sports can be the greatest thing ever. They can absolutely pick you up when you are feeling down. This isn't even a theory - I have scientific proof. Stay with me on this one:

2003: Months after my friend Jeff (big Patriots fan) and his girlfriend break up the Patriots win their second Super Bowl.
2004: My co-worker Nick (huge Red Sox fan) and his girlfriend of 8 years break up. A month later, the Red Sox win their first World Series title in 86 years.
2005: Another co-worker, David (big Cardinals guy), and his fiancée call off their wedding. The Cardinals win the World Series a scant 4 months later, when David would have been on his honeymoon.
2008: Two months after my girlfriend of two years, the woman I thought would one day be the mother of my children, moves out, my beloved Celtics win their first World Championship since 1986.
2008: Brian, the guy in my fantasy football leagues who no one really likes (don't worry, he doesn't read this blog) and who also is a big Phillies fan, gets dumped by his girlfriend of 5 years. The Phillies win their first World Series in 28 years (aka, as long as he’s been alive).

Seriously, all of those are true. If one is a coincidence, two is a trend and three is evidence, what are five examples? Basically, gentlemen, it comes down to this: face the reality that she's not coming back, take the engagement ring money, find decent odds and put it on your team to win a Championship. Getting over heartbreak is much easier on a new jet-ski.

29. You should listen to other people. They are there to help you. They only want what's best for you and they have enough distance from the situation that they could probably provide good, un-biased insight. Give them all the facts and then sit back as they give you an honest assessment. [Editor's note: you will absolutely, 100%, never do this. I know this because I never do it. But, I know I should, so that has to count for something, right?]

30. Learn to Roll. Ok, so there was some order here, as this is the most important rule of life I have discovered. Life doesn't care about your plans and the timing of things is always going to suck. Flights get delayed, cars get stolen, relationships end, emails get accidentally deleted, pregnancy tests come back positive, people take comments more personally than they should, there is never enough money, jobs become redundant and directions get ignored. And that's just what happened in January. There is no sense in freaking out about it, because it's done. The more ready you are to just take a step back, breathe deeply and then go back into the fire, the better your life will be. I can't promise you much in life, but I can promise you this: shit is gonna happen whether you want it to or not. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, stay flexible and you'll do fine.

Late Addition (because 3,500 words weren't enough): This morning I hit shuffle on my iPod and was greeted by the song “All in All” by the band My Friend Steve. This was ironic for two reasons:
1. For all the time I spend on this blog crapping on the music snobs that advocate for the latest indie rock band and look down their noses at ‘mainstream’ music, My Friend Steve is the one band I do that for. They're fantastic, despite the fact no one has ever heard of them. I sing their praises every chance I get. Seriously, it's one of only four albums that I have added to my iTunes in its entirety.
2. I just spent a couple hours crafting this very long post about how much I've changed over the last 5 years, but this band (and especially this song), immediately transport me back to my college DJ days, when I was playing this band every single radio shift I picked up. And, my first thought was adding a link so you could check them out yourself. So, really, on certain issues I haven't changed that much since I was 21.

Team "Please Don't Make Me Watch The Sequel."

Ladies, let me tell you why I am a fantastic boyfriend: when you date me, you get your way roughly 98% of the time. Now, it's not that you're right 98% of the time, it's just that I don't care about 98% of things enough to fight about them. In fact, in taking a second to think about it, there are really only three things I feel strongly enough about to dig my heels in:

1. Bill Russell was better than Wilt Chamberlain.
2. Christmas presents are only to be opened on Christmas morning.
3. The Beatles are better than the Rolling Stones.

Seriously, that's about it. I'm willing to compromise on almost anything else. The catch is that I don't usually pick up on subtleties, so you need to take the direct approach. Allow me to give an example:

My Hypothetical Girlfriend: Hey, we should go ice skating this weekend.
Me: No, ice skating is not my thing. Tried it, didn't like it.
MHG: C'mon, you might enjoy it if you give it another shot.
Me: Nah, let's do something else.
MHG: I want to go ice skating.
Me: Ok, we'll go ice skating.

And it's just that easy. Another effective tool is to not even tell me in advance - spring an activity on me at the last minute. Annoyed because we still haven't gone to dinner with your sister and her new boyfriend? Make a dinner reservation and tell me about it later. I might complain about the lack of notice, but I'll be bitching as I head upstairs to put on a nicer shirt (acting like you told me about this and I simply forgot is also stunningly effective). Believe me, I'll be over it by the time we're at the restaurant. Hell, I'll be over it by the time my shoes are on.

The last (and sometime best) option if you have the patience is to just wait me out. Eventually I'll come around to your way of thinking on my own. This technique always works with movies that I do not want to see on first glance. We may not get to it in the theatres, but when it's out on video and it's a lazy Sunday with nothing else on TV, then it's a good bet we'll spend the day watching some terrible movies. So, really it should be no surprise that the other night, with 3 months of free Showtime and no good TV shows on... I caved and saw Twilight.

I do not get why this is popular. I know some very intelligent women who love this movie and swear by the books, but while watching it I could actually feel my IQ dropping. The dialog is so cheesy that I imagine the first draft of this book was written in the back of some 13 year-old's biology notebook, with hearts dotting the i's and five exclamation points at the end of every sentence. Also, Kristen Stewart spends the whole movie with a look on her face like someone farted right before the director yell, "Action." This was awful, just awful. I could not have liked this movie less. There is absolutely no way I will ever watch the second one... which means check back in a couple months for my review.

My Super Bowl Prediction

It's Super Bowl Sunday - a day that, if you don't have a team playing in the game, becomes all that much less important. But, hey, you can still watch the commercials. Also, it's the last gasp of football for the next couple of months, we still have a month until March Madness, the NBA doesn't pick up intensity until April and it's still not warm enough to spend my weekends on the golf course, so I'll take what I can get. Plus, with two high-scoring teams playing there is a chance for a shootout, so here's hoping for a good game. Let's break it down:

The Saints Will Win If...

They cut down on the penalties, keep the ball as long as they can and force a couple turnovers. They have the running game to keep the Colts offense on the sidelines and I just don't think they want to get into a shootout. It might be hard to fight the urge to start chucking the ball up and down the field, considering that's what got them to this point, but taking a slow-and-steady pace is probably better in the interest of self-preservation. Their d-line is solid, but not spectacular, so they should be able to pressure Manning occasionally. And, despite the fact that everyone is talking about how great Manning is and he's already won a Super Bowl, let's not forget he didn't exactly light up the Bears a couple years back. That was, in truth, the second-worst Super Bowl I ever watched live. He is not infallible. If they don't shoot themselves in the foot, the Saints could very easily win this game.

The Colts Will Win If...

They don't kill themselves with mistakes, play good special teams and avoid giving up the big play. I don't think the Colts have a ton of defense, but they have more than the Saints. If they play smart special teams, force the Saints to look at a long field and then get field position in their favor, this game should be theirs. As long as the corners are smart and just look to make a solid tackle instead of going for the interception that should negate the lack of pressure the d-line will be putting on Brees, because even if Dwight Freeney plays he'll be ineffective. Manning can't force throws and they have to have a small semblance of a running game, just to keep the Saints from only rushing four. They do all that and Manning will only trail Brady by 1 Ring. (Did you honestly think you were getting through this without a single "Brady is still better" reference?)

My Prediction:

Look, no one will be rooting harder for the Saints than me. I'm not totally sure I want to live in a world in which Alex Rodriguez, Kobe Bryant and Peyton Manning are the champions. But, the bottom line is that Manning is playing out of his mind right now. Sure, the Saints could win and it wouldn't be a shocking upset, I just don't think they will. The simple truth is that the Colts only tried to win in 16 games this year and they won every single one of them. Are they one of the best teams of all-time? Absolutely not, but they are the best of this year. Also, with news leaking that the Saints are getting a parade win or lose and I get the feeling the team has a "just happy to be here" vibe about them. As a result, I feel like we'll be seeing Manning and the Colts up double-digits in the fourth quarter and have to deal with an hour of, "Where does this put Manning in the ranks of the All-Time greats?" talk.
Final Score: Colts 35 - Saints 24

-Oh, and one last note to The Who: if you don't open with "Baba O'Riley", I don't know why you even bothered to show up.

A Window Into The Male Mind

My generation is one that grew up on action movies, especially those "simple man in the wrong place at the wrong time, but who now is going to be forced to kick everyone's ass"-type action movies. As a result, every guy I know has a very active imagination about starring in his own action movie. We feel as though we should be ready for a Michael Bay movie to break out around us at any moment. So, when you see us standing in line at either the bank or a convenience store, just know that we're not thinking about work, our romantic lives or what we have to do the rest of the day; in our heads we're running through what we would do should a group of masked men burst in the door and try to rob the place. We're looking for places to jump behind in case of the hail of gunfire, what objects could be used as weapons to take out these robbers and what woman in line would become our love interest when the robbers invariably take her hostage. Seriously, if someone ever tries to rob the local Bank of America when I am there I have a plan ready to go.

I have to admit, though, in our minds we are not always on the right side of the law. Sometimes we think about what we would do if we ever managed to steal a car; or, even better, a celebrity's car. (I fear for the next generation that grew up on Grand Theft Auto. The pull to be on the wrong side of the law will be even stronger.) I imagine that I would first look for the little black book in the glove compartment that would contain the contact information of other celebrities (because I also imagine all celebrities know each other). Then I would drive around for a little bit like the parking-lot valets in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but that fun would come to a screeching halt when the cops found me and the chase was on. After a long chase, I would be forced to make a diving leap from the car before it careened over a cliff and down the embankment, leading to a large, Hollywood-type explosion. That is why I was not the least bit surprised to learn that, once Charlie Sheen reported that his car had been stolen, the car was found at the bottom of a cliff near Mulholland. If the robbers are over the age of 33 I will be stunned. Also, if they are ever found, I bet their biggest regret will be that the car didn't explode upon impact.

-My niece Addison is allegedly turning 3 today. That can't be right. I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. Hell, I still have the text messages from the day she was born saved on my old cellphone (old text messages I wanted to save and a very effective alarm clock feature are the only reason my old phone still gets charged). She can't already be 3.

Chapstick Etiquette

The other day I was standing and talking to a guy inside his office. We were talking basketball, National Signing Day, the Super Bowl... you know, normal stuff. Then, in mid-sentence, he pulls out his Chapstick and starts applying it while not breaking from the conversation. He then tried to keep the conversation going, but I was momentarily taken aback and it ruined the flow of what we were talking about. I'm sorry, am I supposed to pretend that didn't happen?

Dude, you essentially just put on man-lipstick in the middle of our conversation. There are few things that a guy can do to seem less manly than to break out the Chapstick in the middle of a conversation with another guy. Anyone who does that immediately takes a hit. I think it has to do with the fact that to apply Chapstick, you need to first purse your lips to get it on and then do that little lip-smack thing when you're done to ensure that it has been distributed evenly on both lips. There is no way to make that look tough. He may as well have asked me to help him put lotion on his back.

Now, I'm not anti-Chapstick. I don't use it (just something about the feel of it I do not like), but I don't begrudge people who do. I understand that most guys have not been blessed with my naturally soft lips and it's a struggle for them. I'm sure it's terrible for them. It's not like my lips never chap (go ahead, Shivaun, you can re-enact our home video from 1986) but not to the point that I carry Chapstick around with me. I feel like it should be either left in your car or in your desk. Just deal with dry lips for a couple extra minutes and then you can apply it until your heart's content. It's just an issue of courtesy.

Fame Isn't So Fickle, After All

I don't get celebrity. I mean, I understand why some people get to be famous: they could be really talented or beautiful or, in the case of 90% of reality show contestants, devoid of any talent, but are such attention whores they're willing to let the world laugh at them. That isn't what confuses me. No, what I don't get is why some people are still famous. I thought the whole point of fame was that it was supposed to be fleeting: you know, we all get our 15 minutes and then society moves on to the next person. I've always thought that for a person to make the news they should at least be newsworthy. Who we choose to give fame-extensions to are the ones that I wonder about.

That's why I don't understand why someone like Leif Garrett getting busted for drug possession is big news. Seriously, yesterday it was the third headline in the Google Entertainment News section. Without going to Wikipedia, could you honestly tell me what made Leif Garrett famous in the first place? Was he an actor or a singer? And was he famous in the 70s or the 80s? Beats the hell out of me. The only thing I know him for is being a drug addict and having a really sad Behind the Music special, where I bet going into it even the producers of that show thought they were scraping the bottom of the celebrity barrel. Basically, the guy is a drug addict; so is it really news that he was caught with drugs? At what point do we stop getting updates on one-hit wonders of the 70s?

Fortunately, I have an idea for a system (don't I always?). If it has been five years since your last hit song/movie came out, then you can get a thirty second blurb at the end of the first news block. If we haven't heard from you in ten-to-fifteen years then it's twenty seconds at the end of the second segment and if you haven't put out a good album or movie in over twenty years then we don't have to hear about you anymore. Also, just for clarification, showing up on a VH1 'celebrity' show does not count as re-emerging and actually in some cases that should count as all the updates we are ever going to get on certain entertainers. I think this would really clean up news telecasts and allow us to stop hearing things like, "Bobby Brown in the news today..." (Really, I loved "My Prerogative" as much as the next person, but that song came out in 1988. Enough is enough.)

Those Are Still Around?

Like I talked about last week, I try to use gift cards quickly. It's just a thing I do. Anyway, as I was trying to use up a Visa gift card I got for Christmas, I was torn about which way to go. On the one hand if I used it to buy something off the Internet, I'd have been wasting several dollars in shipping cost, which are officially getting out of hand (I had actually picked out a new Notre Dame window cling for the back of my truck to replace the one that finally fell off, but I refuse to pay $6 in shipping for a $2 sticker). On the other, when you use a gift card in a store you always run the risk that you'll end up with a random 45 cents left on there and that's equally wasteful. In the end I decided to shop online, because I had a better chance of finding something I really wanted instead of buying something just because I wanted to use the card up.

So I was on one site and found something I wanted, only I came up $3 short of using the card all the way up. I decided to see what else this website had for low money. One of the items that came up was a rubber band bracelet for a charity. I'm stunned to see people still making those things. I know they were huge because of Lance Armstrong, but that was five or six years ago. Think of all the fads that came and went just as quickly. Anyone else have a lanyard when they were a junior in high school? Of course you did. But, by the time you got to college they weren't cool anymore and you tossed it out. I'm just stunned to see the rubber band bracelet is still hanging in there.

-Have you ever seen something off in the distance and your brain processes what it is, but then convinces itself that object must be something else? The other day I was driving around when I saw a large shape on the side of the road. My first thought was, "That looks like a big panda bear." But, it obviously couldn't be a panda bear, because what the hell would a panda bear be doing on the side of the road? It had to be an optical illusion - a group of black and white things piled up that simply looked like a panda bear from a distance. Then I got closer to reveal the object was... a panda bear. It was a giant stuffed panda bear doll that someone was trying to throw out, even though it wasn't a trash day for that area. So, while it doesn't speak well of my internal resolve about going with my first instincts, at least I know I don't have to get my eyes check anytime soon.

-You know, today feels a lot like yesterday... almost as if I'm re-living the same day over again. I bet someone could make a good movie out of a premise like this. But what would we call it?

People I Won't Be Friends With When I Become Famous, Vol. 1

There is a profession bowler out there by the name of Pete Weber. He goes by PDW for short, because he's a douche. He's "famous" for wearing wrap-around sunglasses when he bowls (for those unfamiliar with bowling, it is an indoor sport where there is no sun) and stealing gimmicks from wrestlers to make himself stand out. Sadly, it must be working, because I don't follow professional bowling at all and even I know who this guy is.

Anyway, over the weekend a video began to circulate of Mr. Weber yelling at a photographer who was covering the tournament he was in. Apparently the guy had the audacity to take a picture during Weber's backswing. Now, the video is awesome because at one point Weber starts to say, "If he clicks that thing one more time..." and then doesn't finish. That's because the guy could click the camera as much as he damn well pleases and Weber isn't doing anything. He knows it, I know and I bet the photographer knows it to. It reminded me a lot of the Demetri Martin video I talked about a couple weeks ago.

Bowling is barely a sport (actually, according to the rules I use to determine whether or not something is a sport, it is not a sport at all), so this guy needs to relax. I mean, there is no contact, no timelimit and no one is throwing anything at him. This is the exact opposite of real sports like baseball or football, where the crowd can say anything they want and that is during a time when there is a chance you can get hit in the head and die. This guy would wash out of a team sport in about 4 minutes. Also if he is so damned concerned with the noise, to the point that he can hear a camera click, then maybe he should buy some earplugs. It is not the audience's problem he is so sensitive. This is the stuff that makes me cringe. It is also the same argument that comes up when people try to say golf is not a sport and you know what? I got nothing in the way of a comeback when they do.

-Speaking of golf, that brings us to another guy I won't hang with: Scott McCarron. There is a controversy going on right now within the PGA Tour concerning which clubs people can use. Tour officials wanted to outlaw a certain type of groove and have everyone play the same kind of clubs in an attempt to level the playing field. But, due to a lawsuit 20 years ago, there is one set of clubs that were grandfathered in and can still be used, despite the fact that they are not conforming to the new rules. It's all very confusing. The point is, some golfers like Phil Mickelson and John Daly have used the old clubs, which people don't think is very sportsman of them. McCarron, though, brought the most attention to himself by saying anyone who uses the clubs are cheating. Mickelson, took exception to being called a cheater and said he was not going to stand for this. McCarron quickly explained he didn't call Phil a cheater, he simply said he was cheating. Oh, that's much better, thanks for clarifying. C'mon, McCarron, stand your ground - we'll respect you more that way.

More Like Doppel(not)ganger, Am I Right?

Thanks to Liz (who I turn to get most of my pop culture news) I found out that it is apparently doppelganger week over on that Facepage that all you crazy kids have. Therefore, in conjunction with MyHeritage.com, you can go online and see what celebrity you most look like. I figured I would try it, just to see who would get to play me in the cameo role of Liz's eventual Oscar-winning biopic. I went in fully expecting Philip Seymour Hoffman, as that's the guy I came up with when I thought this out (mostly because, if someone other than me is going to play me, he had damn well better be an Oscar winner). But I wanted computer confirmation of my decision. Turns out I was way off. I guess that we give facial recognition software on shows like CSI way too much credit.

This was the picture that I submitted.


Now, the first result was Michelle Rodriguez, of The Fast and The Furious fame. Apparently I should have been clearer that I wanted only the male results. Still, she matched me highest at 67%. Perhaps this explains my love of the Latin ladies. Also, my natural heat. And, upon a second glance, I can totally see the resemblance. Now, on to the rest of the results.

Wayne Brady - 66%
Umm... what? Either I've been spending some major time in a tanning booth that I don't remember, or Mr. Brady has some serious Michael Jackson-like treatments to undergo. I will say this, though, it seems like a sure-fire way to win an Oscar.

James Spader - 60%
I think it's the glasses.
Or it could be because he was on Boston Legal.
Either way, I say no.

David Gahan - 59%
Not only does he not look like me,
I have no idea who the hell he even is.

Lothar Matthaus - 58%
Nope, no idea who this guy is either.
But, at least his first name is Lothar.

George Clooney - 57%
Now, this is more like it.
But, I bet every guy gets some kind of George Clooney picture,
just to get them to recommend the site to other people.

Matthew Perry - 56%
I would have expected the percentage to be higher,
simply for the glasses and goatee. Still, I would have to get the post-Friends, bloated Matthew Perry.

Kanye West - 55%
"Yo, yo. Imma let you finish. I just gotta say,
your program is not one of the best of all time."

[UPDATE: Ok, so I tried it again later with a different picture. Among the more notables this time were Jack Osbourne (it was pre-rehab Jack Osbourne, but that's still better) and former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak, who, while distinguished, really pushes the boundaries of the whole "celebrity" scale (I had to look up who he was).]