Great Expectations

I should open this by admitting that I have never truly understood why so many people in this country are fascinated by England's Royal Family. I can only assume it is because of the drama which we assume goes on behind the palace walls or the fact that they have been around for so long people feel like they know them, but whatever the reason sometimes it seems like there are people in America who care more about what the royals do on a daily basis than most British people. But I bet even the most ardent royal-watcher would admit the media coverage of the birth of the Royal Baby was a tad too much. It is one thing to camp outside the hospital once the baby arrived, but showing up weeks beforehand with literally no news to report felt stupid and a waste of the money that news organizations are always claiming they don't have. All that being said, I can understand why the media would be so anxious to cover this story and that is because the news is usually so damned depressing. It's nothing but fires, fatal car accidents, wars in foreign countries where people are mad at the United States both for helping and simultaneously not helping, depressing unemployment numbers and a major American city declaring bankruptcy. Who wouldn't want to talk about a cute little bundle of joy instead of all that? But, here's the question I just can't shake - what if the kid turns out to be an asshole?

I've never had kids of my own but I have to assume raising your child to not be a complete tool is pretty much the main goal of every parent. Sure, they would like their kid to grow up and be the President of the United States but I'm sure just as many people wouldn't mind if the kid was much less successful but happy and the people at work didn't think he was a total douchebag. Well, this kid is already guaranteed to be the King of England, so William and Kate's main goal now is making sure the kid grows up to be mostly normal. That is certainly not going to be an easy job because, as many people pointed out yesterday, his birth will probably be the only labor he is ever involved in and absolute power corrupts absolutely. On top of all that there is the very scary reality that even the best, most caring parents in the world could do 99% of their parenting correctly and still produce a terrible adult. Nurture can only take you so far before nature rears its ugly head. Of course, most of the time this is a totally subjective issue. No child born in the world is ever going to be universally loved. I don't care who you are, at some point in your lifetime you are going to run into a person who just rubs you the wrong way and the feeling will be mutual. Plus, because of the family he is born into some people will just not like him on principle. Those aren't the people I worry about. Also, asshole is a relative term - some people throw it around to mean the guy who took the last bagel, but that is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about becoming reviled the entire world over.

Given the amount of positive media coverage this child has already been given, what would happen if in 20 years he turns into a complete psychopath, killing his father to usurp the throne and then trying to restore the English empire through colonization - starting by trying to re-invade India and killing millions of people in the process before turning his eyes to the rest of Europe, trying to expand until the entire continent is under his rule? It certainly would seem weird that we were so happy he was born if the kid turned around and became a conqueror. It's not the most far-fetched scenario either - that kind of ambition seemed rather commonplace just 200 years ago and while the Royal Family obviously doesn't have the kind of power it did back then they still have enough money and sway that they could do some real damage if they felt like it. The only difference between then and now is that when terrible people came to power 200 years ago we hadn't spent the first 20 years of their life talking about what a great person they are - people just had to cross their fingers and hope for the best. Of course this is both the best and worst part about living at this period in time - thanks to social media we know everything which is going to happen in the short-term and it makes us think we know what will happen in the long-term, which is crazy. Better to focus on the present and forget trying to predict the future.

Also, we are so public with our convictions, which leads to more embarrassment. Do you think the media would appreciate the irony of touting this kid's arrival as a joyous occasion if he turned around and started reigning misery down on the world or would they just ignore it altogether - like when sportswriters praise a free agent signing the day it happens but when that guy turns out to be a giant waste of money and a roster spot everyone has a revisionist view and claims they were the lone voice who knew this was a bad idea? Sadly, I kind of think it will be the latter. Mankind may make some great strides in the next couple of decades but I am pretty sure the media thinking we are too stupid to go back and check the tapes is a tradition which will continue on. Now, I don't want you to think this is what I am rooting for. I hope the kid grows up to be a fair and beloved Monarch. But I just think we should let him grow into that role on his own, rather than immediately declare him the greatest thing which has ever happened to us mere mortals. Otherwise historians are going to view this period of time as being full of morons (you know, more than they already will.) Let his parents worry about treating the child's arrival like it was the first birth in history because that is their job and we can wait until the child has formed something of a personality before we decide his place in history. After all, you'd hate to have a houseful of commemorative "Royal Baby" plates and have it turn out they are nothing more than a good way to start your "Worst People of the 21st Century" collection.