Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Composing A Letter Of Disinvite

Alright, so I know that last week I said I would stop talking about the Naked Man Incident of 2010 on this blog, but it appears that I have lied. The reason for me ending my own personal media blackout is because I've learned a few things about the "Letter of Disinvite" and I want to share them with you. For example, did you know that the police do not send the Letter? Yeah, turns out that this is entirely left up to us. Also, there isn't a standard form to fill out or anything. It is literally a letter that we just have to write free-form and send to this man on our own. Plus, while I have a name I do not have an address, which means I have to track him down. What do you want to guess are the odds that he has a listed number? We don't even get a complimentary stamp for our troubles. Finally, what this means is that this man, who clearly has a problem staying on his meds and who previously found his way into my house by accident, will now get a letter from us in a moment of clarity. As I said before, I love getting mail from people and I would be concerned that this would lead to him thinking we are somehow friends. Given my luck you just know that somehow my address will be the one thing he clearly remembers next time he goes off his medication and then becomes convinced something important is going on at my house, leading to another visit.

Another problem with this scenario is that we're counting on this guy to confirm he got the letter, which might be asking a lot. Organization doesn't appear to be a high priority in his life. Not to mention the low odds that he would respect a Letter of Disinvite if he ever forgets to take his pills again. So, I could very well send it, only to have him show up at my house again and deny he ever received anything in the mail. When you stop and think about it, not only is the Letter of Disinvite legally worthless, but kind of a pain in my ass. Given all of that, it should come as no surprises that we're pretty much going to move on from the whole thing (except for the fact that I got a great story out of it you will all eventually be sick of hearing) and not send the Letter of Disinvite. However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to write it. Since the Letter of Disinvite is legally as powerless as an office manager sending an email reminding everyone to make sure they empty their lunches out of the fridge every Friday and even if he got it he could just as easily ignore it, I figure posting the letter on this blog is just as effective as mailing it to him. Hopefully he'll stumble upon it somewhere down the line. Here's how I figure the letter should be written:

Dear Matt,
First off, is it cool that I call you Matt? I feel like since I already know you're circumcised, we've crossed over that line of formality. Anyway, I hope you are feeling better. Clearly the first time we met you were having a pretty bad day. I heard at that time you were off your medication. Perhaps you should invest in one of those little containers that does your pills for the week, as it may help avoid confusion and similar situations in the future. Now, while I am sympathetic to your situation, the purpose of this letter is to inform you I'm going to have to formally request you stay out of my home and off the property from now on. In fact, if you could take the long way around and not even walk on my street I feel like that would be better for everyone involved. (It sounds as though my house was not the only one you visited on Myrtle Street that afternoon.) I know barring you from an entire street seems harsh, but you need to see this from my point of view: it was bad enough that you wandered in while I was home alone, but my nieces are constantly visiting. What if they had been over? I don't want any of them seeing a man naked until they turn at least 35. Also, had they been inside I would not have talked you out, so much as thrown you out face-first. So, avoiding my house is the best thing for everyone involved. I hope you get the help you need, just no where near my family.

Sincerely,
The Rakauskas Family
Myrtle Street

1 comment:

Liz said...

I sincerely hope you send that letter you wrote in this entry. If you don't, I'll probably cry, because it is so wonderful.