Meet My Kids

Last night was a terrible night for TV. There wasn't a Celtic, Bruin or Red Sox game to be found. Also, I haven't picked up a new book or video game in a while, so I was hurting for something to pass the time. Somehow, in my travels to find entertainment on the Internet, I landed on MorphThing.com which is a website that will combine pictures to show you what two people would look like if they ever mated. Also, you can upload your own picture to see what it would look like if you and various celebrities combined into one person (they have a pretty large selection of pictures that are ready to go). But, the feature I messed around with the most is the one that shows what would happen if you and that celebrity ever had a kid. So of course I had to see what would happen if a couple of my favorites actresses and I ever got trapped in an elevator with no other way to pass the time. Other than the hair never coming out quite right, they turn out pretty good for a free service.

We start with Natalie Portman. She went to Harvard so she could
conceivably be in town for an alumni meeting or something.

Not bad. Though, I told you the hair isn't quite right
She appears to be fighting baby pattern baldness.

Jessica Biel.
This would be the only reason it's cool to be Justin Timberlake.


Skipping over the face for a second, where did that shirt come from?
How do you morph a green t-shirt and a white t-shirt,
yet come up with a yellow shirt with a blue collar?

Scarlett Johansson.
Sure, she's currently married. But, most celebrity marriages end in divorce,
so I'm just covering all my bases.


Ok, so our kid would be a little cross-eyed.
I'm sure there is a doctor that could fix that.

Alright, that was all a fine preamble,
but let's get to the one I really want to see:
Me and Shakira.


I can't be sure, but she may be laughing at how absurd the possibility of me
and her hooking up actually is.


Ouch, you got stuck with the Rakauskas chin. Tough break, kiddo.
Also, how do two brown-eyed people have a blue eyed child?

Well, At Least It's Kinda Catchy

I frequently give up on listening to the radio for stretches of time because they play the same 14 songs over and over again until I just can't take it anymore. But, every couple of months I find it's not a bad idea to start listening again, just see if any amazing new songs have come along that I should be aware of. [Sidebar: this is also the way you should work having the movie channels on cable. After having free HBO for three months, I'm all set for a while. I only need to see Watchmen, Yes Man and Get Smart so many times. But, in a couple months when there are more new releases worth checking out I'll see about getting another month free.] The last couple of days I have been listening to the radio more than my iPod, just to see what I might want to add to my library. For the most part the answer is that there is nothing worth adding. But, one song did catch my ear, though it may be for all the wrong reasons.

It's an interesting little diddy by a country group named Jaron and the Long Road to Love and the song is called "Pray for You." Here are a sample of the lyrics.

I pray your brakes go out runnin’ down a hill
I pray a flower pot falls from a window sill
and knocks you in the head like I’d like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you’re flyin’ high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know where ever you are honey, I pray for you

Alright, for now let's overlook the obvious problems that this man had coming up with a group name (terrible band name - way too wordy). I am surprised this song made it on the radio with today's easily-offended audience members not demanding that it be heavily edited. It's a country artist so you know that some people are willing to let it slide under the guise of him just being a good 'ol boy that doesn't know any better. But still, could you imagine the outrage we would be hearing from various parenting groups if this was a rap artist who had lyrics like this? They'd be denouncing it as supporting violence against women. I'm not a rap fan by any means, but you could make the case that there is a serious double standard going on here.

I Guess I Can Use Them As Coasters

Today I was in my local Marshall's because... well, I was driving passed it (like you really need a reason to stop into Marshall's). Seriously, it's my favorite store because you have absolutely no idea what you are going to find in there on any given day. The flipside is that you need to buy whatever it is that day, because there is almost no chance it will still be there when you go back. Anyway, I was especially lucky today because inside I found a treasure trove of Celtic-related DVDs. First there was the 2008 Championship video, which I needed another copy of because I stupidly lent my last copy to a guy I used to work with, who was promptly never heard from again. Then there was a special 2-disc edition of Larry Bird: Legend, which I had on VHS, but not on DVD. Lastly was a 7-disc retrospective of the 1986 Celtics team, featuring every game of that year's NBA Finals as well as a special season wrap-up DVD. But, here's the best part - each DVD was only $4.99. It was a deal and a half, as I like to say.

The only question is what I'm going to do with two of the DVDs from the NBA Finals recap, specifically games 3 and 5, because I can't see any reason to ever watch them. Why would I want to watch a game that I know the Celtics are going to lose? It makes no sense. Frankly, they didn't need to include them and I doubt anyone would have complained about it if they did omit them. The Red Sox did the same thing following the 2004 World Series, when they sold a DVD set of every game from the ALCS through the Championship. Do you think any Red Sox fan has ever watch the first three games of the ALCS, or really has a desire to? Why would you ever feel the need to watch the Red Sox get blown out, like the did in Game 3? I guess if you knew people who were Yankee fans they could have the first 3 DVDs, but it's just odd that they were there to begin with. And, since I don't know any Rockets fans, that option is out anyway. Anyway, I'm thinking I could use them as coasters, because even though it would wreck the DVD, at approximately 70 cents each, that still is less than a pack of actual coasters would cost.

-I have to admit, I had started to get into soccer a little bit lately. With the World Cup coming up and having played a lot of FIFA on Playstation, I was actually interested in the outcome of the Bayern Munich and Lyon match yesterday. Then I saw this and remembered, "Oh yeah, that was why I'm ok with not watching soccer." Bunch of flopping ninnies.

Be Happy They Aren't Ambitious

Last week as I was taking the train in town for the international pub-crawl, I couldn't help but notice all the graffiti on the back of buildings along the train tracks. It seemed like every surface that faced the tracks had some level of tagging on them. I'm not talking simple designs like a kid putting his girlfriend's initials in a heart, but 10-15 foot tall designs that were multi-colored and intricate. Now, I wasn't always sure what I was looking at, but I am sure that these designs were not something that you would be able to put up in 20 minutes. It got me to thinking about how much planning must go into these things. You would have to first think up a design, get some paint, find a wall with nothing else on it and then stake out the area long enough to know how often the cops come around (therefore how much time you would have to work on your project without getting caught), before finally doing the actual graffiti under the cover of darkness. After all, putting graffiti on something you don't own is a crime, so it's not like you could do this on a Saturday morning.

Still, I think we should be happy these people have decided that this is as far as they want to delve into the criminal world. As far as I know, spray painting isn't a gateway crime leading to bigger things and we're lucky for that. Clearly these people know how to plan and execute a crime, because rarely do you see unfinished work on the back of buildings. It may take a trip or two, but that work is getting done. The last thing we want is these people to escalate to major crimes, because they obviously have some planning skills. If they put their minds to it, who knows what kind of intricate bank robbery schemes would hatch. Instead they feel like the best use of their time is making sure that their initials are there for everyone on the Franklin/Forge Park train to see every ride home. Let's not tell them anything different.

-Yesterday, the word "Boobquake" was a trending topic on Twitter. I had never heard of it before, but apparently it was a movement by a Purdue University student to encourage women across the globe to wear something slightly more revealing than they normally would to counteract an Iranian Cleric's claim that scantily clad women cause earthquakes. First off, why wasn't this a bigger story leading up to yesterday? I could have found out about rallies that may have been taking place and gone to, you know, lend my support. Instead, Google News was trying to push stories about financial reform into my head. This was a great idea, and because of that we'll ignore the fact that yesterday a 6.5 earthquake hit near Taiwan. I'm sure it was unrelated anyway.

I Bet That Movie Is Gonna Suck

There is an interesting story in the LA Times about a brokerage firm that is trying to get approval for a new type of exchange which would allow people to bet on how movies are going to open. I constantly hear people say they can guess how much a movie will open to, now they can put their money where their mouth is. You can read the entire article here, but the gist of it is this: they would sell investors contracts based on how a movie is projected to open, with $1 million dollars of opening money translating to $1 in the contract (e.g. - a projected opening weekend of $40 million is a $40 contract). As the opening weekend approaches you can then option to either keep the contract or sell it back to the firm. If you keep the contract and the movie makes more money than expected you make $1 for every million over the projection. If you sell it back and the movie tanks then you made $1 for every million under the projection. While I hardly doubt that anyone would be able to get rich off this idea, but it is kind of a fun way to see how much better the general public knows what is going to happen over of the head of most movie studios. I mean, do you think any one out there would have kept a contract for The Bounty Hunter?

My bigger hope that this translates in some form as an increased consumer focus-group. Maybe as more and more terrible, generic romantic comedy contracts keep getting sold back and losing the brokerage firms money, the guys running them will start to report back to the heads of the movie studios (in my head they all hang out at the same country club in Beverly Hills) and start demanding better movies. In actuality, the more likely result is that these firms will instead put more money into the marketing strategy of those same terrible romantic comedies or start hiring the same people who set lines in Vegas to figure out more realistic numbers. Those guys have it down to a science to get just the right number that makes it really hard to be sure one way or another. However, because those guys keep track of everything to make their predictions, this would also lead to movie stars and directors having stats about how their movies opened and performed in the long run, which could then lead to a fantasy league for movie stars. Anything that leads to more fantasy sports can't be a bad thing.

-This afternoon during my quest for entertainment, I paused on the NFL Network to see what they were offering. The guide said it was the NFL Draft. "Surely," I thought to myself, "they must mean an NFL Draft recap, because no one would actually sit down to watch the draft a second time." As it turns out, it really was just a replay of the NFL Draft. Now, I'm all for the NFL Draft, but I don't like to watch replays of actual sporting events if I know how the game ends, so why would I, or anyone for that matter, want to watch what is essentially a list of names being read when you already know which name is about to be called? The whole reason you watch the draft is because you don't know what is going to happen. If this is something that you really would want to do I think your family needs to stage an intervention and you need to unplug your cable box for a while, because you need some help.

Four Thoughts

Just some quick ones from the weekend:

-So, I finally got around to seeing the latest Terminator movie, Terminator Salvation. Mostly the plot was kind of shaky, because I wasn't sure what the end game of the villains was really supposed to be, but the action was good. Given that most directors today are more concerned with how a movie looks over how the script actually is, I guess you can't go into any sci-fi movie without expecting that sort of trade off. The biggest revelation to me was discovering that, no matter what role Christian Bale is playing, he can't speak intensely without going into his Batman voice. I'm never going to be able to listen to him ever again without immediately starting to mock the screen, yelling, "The Terminator can't kill me, I'm Batman!"

-Edwin Volquez of the Cincinnati Reds was busted for a positive drug test last week and suspended 50 games. Now, it doesn't really matter to the Reds because he's hurt anyways so the suspension won't effect any of his playing time (that's a fairly large loophole in the steroid policy, don't you think?), but to salvage his reputation for future contract negotiations, he wanted to clarify that he wasn't taking real steroids. Instead he said the positive result came from some medication he was taking because he and his wife are having trouble starting a family. Now, I don't know if this is a lie or not, but if it is, it's one of the better lies of all time. No reporter is going to question this explanation because women reporters will be sympathetic to his plight and no male reporter would ever ask too many questions about another man's plumbing.

-I'm not trying to come off as petty, because I actually don't think it effected the game or the series, but I honestly think the Miami Heat are pumping in crowd noise. Watching the game today it never seemed as though the noise on TV was being matched by what I was seeing. No one is clapping at the "Let's Go Heat!" chant, but it was loud and clear on TV. Also, I'm seeing thunder sticks, but hearing cow bells. And for a lot of empty seats the crowd sure was loud. Maybe it was just because the people behind the announcers were into the game and they were being picked up by more microphones, but if the team is actually manufacturing crowd noise then that is a really sad statement about the Miami franchise.

-I know that his draft-day fall hurt him in the wallet, but Jimmy Clausen has to be thrilled where he ended up. He's going to a team that has little competition to stand in his way to being the starter by mid-season, has a good offensive line, an outstanding running game and he can throw to Steve Smith. If he just does his thing he'll make back the money he lost in his next contract while Sam Bradford is in traction after getting sacked 100 times in two seasons and Tim Tebow is still sitting on the bench in Denver because Kyle Orton refused to go away. He and Colt McCoy actually may have lucked out in the long run, even if it didn't feel like it Saturday night.

Food Ignorance Is Bliss

As a person who is lucky enough to not have any food allergies, I never have to read labels for ingredients. Unless you have to be absolutely certain of what you are putting into your body, I don't know why anyone would actually want to take the time to read a list of ingredients on a bottle or package. Let's be honest, everything is going to be some mix of sugar, high-fructose corn syrup and then things you couldn't pronounce. And, for all the people who are trying to eat healthier so they can live longer, I feel the need to point out that whenever the news interviews a 110 year-old guy for one of those fluff pieces, he's been eating bacon three meals a day since he was five. I just find the process meaningless because, even if you are trying to be diligent about what you are eating, it will end up that whatever is good for you this week will be bad for you by next week. That's pretty much how it's been since people started worrying about what is in their food. Ask yourself this question: are eggs good or bad for you? You have no idea, do you? Exactly my point. I figure that eating almost anything is ok as long as you don't eat to excess.

Because of this philosophy I pretty much don't want to know what I am eating and I feel that it's better this way. However, no one else seems to feel that way lately because apparently saying that something tastes good is the equivalent of an invitation for whoever made it to rattle off all the things that went into it. As someone who can be a fairly picky eater (given my size I know you may find that hard to believe), I'd rather not know because all you are going to do is make me not want to eat something. ("This is great, I love it." "I'm glad you like it, it's my grandmother's recipe for fish liver." "Yeah, I don't like it anymore.") Perhaps in the future, when it comes to food we should all just take the compliment and not provide answers beyond what we are being asked.

-You may remember about this time last year I showed you guys a video of the UConn and USF baseball teams passing the time during a rain delay by having a dance-off. Well, this year provided us with further proof that baseball teams have way too much time to kill during their downtime, as FAU and Western Kentucky stepped it up a notch by not only having a dance-off, but also providing the crowd with skits during their rain delay earlier this week. Now, sure, it smacks of a slight desperation just to be on SportsCenter and PTI, but it obviously worked, so who am I to argue with their methods. Also, while the UConn video was shot on a grainy camera from the press box, FAU stepped it up with some editing and production value. Excellent promotional tool for their communications department.

Why Do You Have One Of Those?

Last night as I was flipping around after the NFL draft, I paused on a random action movie showing on one of the movie channels. In the scene I caught, there were two guys fighting in a kitchen. One of them grabbed a knife, while the other guy grabbed a meat cleaver. This got me to thinking: this sequence happens in every single action movie fight that ever takes place in a kitchen, but do you actually know anyone has a meat cleaver in their kitchen? I don't have one in my kitchen and I don't know anyone that has one in theirs. Seriously, no one needs a cutting tool that large in this day and age. I don't think most sets of knives even come with meat cleavers anymore because, frankly, they're dangerous, cumbersome and unnecessary. Yet, when we watch movies we just accept that every kitchen has a meat cleaver in it. No one ever stops and says, "Why would you need a knife that big in your house? Those people aren't butchers or chefs." The other thing is now that I've noticed this I can't stop noticing it. It really takes me out of the movie when that thought flashes through my head.

-Since I'm usually very quick to criticize the NCAA when they screw things up, I'll take a moment to praise them for making the right call in announcing that while the NCAA Tournament will expand, it will only expand to 68 teams, not the 96 everyone expected. Basically, it will now have three Play-In games instead of the the one that it currently has. This is great because there were only a few teams that had a legitimate complaint about not making the NCAA tournament this year and now those teams can be satisfied without flooding the tournament with teams that have no chance to win. Also, the new TV deal will put every game on either CBS or one of the stations owned by Turner Sports, meaning no more getting stuck with a game you don't want to see just because one of those teams is within a 600 mile radius of your home. This is a great win for the fans. I'm sure the NCAA will screw it up and eventually we'll have a 96 team tournament, but for now I congratulate them for proceeding slowly and listening to the fans who wanted as little expansion as possible.

-I feel I have to correct a mistake that I saw on ESPN during their draft coverage. There was one graphic that flashed every time the Patriots went on the clock (which was a lot considering how often the team moved down).

Here's how it looked.
New England Patriots, Key Players Lost:
Junior Seau, Ben Watson, Jarvis Green.

Here's how it should have looked.
New England Patriots, Key Players Lost:
None.

See, that's much better.

My Reputation Is Spared

So, yesterday was all kinds of awesome. I went into Boston to meet up with Liz, Pam, Kim and Wes and we went on an impromptu pub-crawl. We started at the Union Oyster House, followed that up with the Green Dragon, a quick stop over in the North End, then it was the Times and, if the SJC asks, nowhere else. The only hitch was that I started to feel like crap fairly early in the day. At first I blamed it on the fact that I didn't eat breakfast and had a very small lunch (such a rookie mistake), but trying to counteract it with food did not have the desired effect and actually did more harm than good. Well, it turns out that it wasn't the Sam Summers, but instead some sort of virus that has come to my family through two of my nieces, spread to one of my sisters and now my parents are both fighting it. Thank God. Not that I want to wish ill-health on anyone, but for a while there I was feeling like a lightweight. Really, before I took some Advil and passed out for 12 hours I was thinking this blog post was going to be more in the form of a Hancock-like apology for my terrible performance, "You deserve better from me. I can be better. I will be better."

-One other comment from yesterday. I was walking down the Rose Kennedy Greenway that has filled in what used to be the Expressway. It was the first time I have gotten to stroll through the area during a warm period and actually take in the sights. The odd thing I noticed is that there are a few remaining beams left from the Expressway that have been cleaned up and remain on display. Here's my question: ummm, why? Everyone pretty much agrees that the Expressway was terrible, an eyesore and made the area undesirable. Also, the plan that was needed to un-do the Expressway is universally mocked as the biggest over-budget project in history. (Though, on the positive side, we did get a sweet golf course and ice cream flavor out of it.) Still, why are we trying to remember it? I know that Boston is a city that loves its own history and we love to remind people of the way things used to be around here, but c'mon, we're celebrating the Expressway? Not everything from the past was awesome. We can forget about some things and no one would mind it.

-Here's my unofficial draft preview for the Patriots: I want the team to take Texas DE/LB Sergio Kindle. I like drafting guys from big-time programs who have a history of playing in big-time games. The transition from college to NFL will be hard enough without suddenly getting wide-eyed due to the big stage. Also, he's flexible to a couple of positions, which is a key to playing on the Patriots defense. The team needs some serious pass-rushing help and I think he'll be the best of what's left at pick #22. Also, in a rare move for the Patriots, I think they use all 4 of their early picks. I don't see them using all 12 draft picks, they'll move around and stockpile a couple extra late ones for next year, but I do think they use the early ones to fill some holes. And, for all the talk that they will use their second round pick on Tim Tebow, I have another Florida Gator in mind in the second round: Brandon Spikes. That kid is a playmaker and as polished a defensive guy as you are going to find in the NFL draft. They can hold off on tight end until later in the draft. Also, don't buy into the smoke screen of all the talk about Dez Bryant. First off, I doubt he's still around and even if he is, the signing of Tory Holt tells me the Patriots don't plan to use a high draft pick on a receiver. I think Belichick was burned by trading up for Chad Jackson and doesn't plan on making that mistake twice. Like running back it's a position the team feels they can fill with picks in the lower rounds. Still, I'm pretty excited for the draft because, honestly, after the first five picks no one is really sure how it will all break down. Add in the sudden revelation that Ben Roethlisberger is available and that could throw an entire new wrench into the works.

Maybe Your Standards Should Be Higher

There is an old joke about two men walking in the woods when they come across a grizzly bear. Seeing that the bear is about to charge, one of the men reaches down to tie his sneakers. His buddy turns to him and says "Are you nuts? You can't outrun a grizzly." The other guy looks back at his buddy and says, "I don't need to run faster than that bear, I just need to run faster than you." It's a funny enough joke and I think of it every time I see this new commercial that is on all the time. It's an ad for Verizon Fios and every time I see it, something about it bothers me. During the spot they show a chart of "very satisfied customers" as compared to Comcast. The Comcast bar is very low, at only 19%, while the Fios bar is much taller. The thing is, the Fios bar still only represents a very satisfied customer rating of 49%. Sure, that's a lot more than 19%, but it still means over half of your customers don't like something about your level of service. Now, I'm a Fios subscriber and I'm happy enough with them, but there are things I would like to changed before I would consider myself "very satisfied". Maybe, instead of simply being content to not be dead last and the worst option, Fios should work on being better for their own sake.

-It was nice to see that all it took to get the Celtics to give a crap during the playoffs was a marginal player on the other team calling two of the best players on the Celtics "actresses." I guess if the Celtics go on a prolonged playoff run we will have Quentin Richardson to thank for it. For the first time I can also see why Dwayne Wade was in no hurry to sign a contract extension with the Heat, despite it being an ideal situation with weather and the fact that Florida has no state income tax (always a big deal to athletes). That team has a lot of quit in it. I think if the Celtics win Game 3, that series is over. Guys like Jermaine O'Neal and Michael Beasley not only act like they don't gave a crap at all, but actually seemed inconvenienced that they made the playoffs and pushed back their inevitable offseason. Add in Jamaal Magloire you have 3/5 of the starting lineup for the "I don't care if we win or lose as long as the check clears" All-Star Team. Not that I root for the Heat one way or the other, but I can totally see why Wade may want to play somewhere else next year.

-While I'm very pleased that the Celtics blew the doors off the Heat last night, I'm still not getting too hyped about their playoff chances beyond this round. The bottom half of the Eastern Conference playoff teams were crap this year. Honestly, if the NBA had decided simply to skip the first round of the playoffs and just had Orlando/Atlanta and Cleveland/Boston I don't think it would have mattered much. None of the first round series should go more than 5 games (yet another reason to put the first round of the playoffs back to a best-of-five format). But, on the other hand, I don't think any fan base should get too happy about first round sweeps because none of us will really know how good these Eastern Conference teams are until the next round when they start facing tougher competition.

Color-Coding Food

Let me explain something about the Irish bread recipe my family has - it is like crack to me. It is extremely good, but the problem is that disappears just as quickly as it arrives. Now, I would never want to have it every day, because then it would lose its special nature, but when it is around you have to take advantage and not waste the opportunity. Last time I came downstairs to discover an Irish bread on the stove, I quickly cut off a couple of slices to put in the microwave because the bread is even better when warm. The key, I have found, is that you never want to microwave any food with the butter already on it, because you never get the amount right. People always put on too much butter and so you end up with the extra running down your hand, which is no good.

Anyways, as I was waiting for my bread to heat up I had taken the edge of the bread for an extra piece (that's right, Fatty McGee over here likes to have a snack while waiting for food). I reached into the refrigerator without looking, grabbed the first stick of butter I saw and put some on my bread. It wasn't until I had taken that first bite that I realised something was way off. A second glance at the stick revealed that it was unsalted butter, intended for baking. Obviously, this just wouldn't do. Frankly, I was lucky to have caught it when I did, because you can easily scrape cold butter off a piece of bread, but that job gets much harder to do if the butter has started to melt. I nearly wasted a couple pieces of perfectly good Irish Bread.

This minor occurrence every-day, as they often do, got me thinking. I think we need to start color-coding food. Sure, we already do this to a small degree with the different kinds of milk (1%, 2%, Skim, Whole) which already come with different color tops. This packaging has, on more than one occasion, stopped me from accidentally grabbing the wrong milk in the store. However, I think we need to start doing this with all the foods that looks the same but are actually quite different. Make the extra fatty foods blue, and the healthy foods pink or something. Now, I'm just talking the labels, because if you start putting in food coloring then you're likely to start screwing with the way food comes out of the oven. (Though, that's not the worst idea. It could go along way in preventing food allergies. I may have to come back to this in another blog post.) The point is that I need all the help I can get to save me from myself.

Their One Moment To Shine

I love everything about Patriot's Day here in Massachusetts. I love the early Red Sox game, the exclusivity of only being one of three states with the day off and the fact that the holiday comes right when the weather is getting nice so we can enjoy the day off (let's be honest, a free day off in mid-January wouldn't be nearly as much fun). But, I would have to say that my favorite thing on Patriot's Day is the marathon announcers who get brought out once a year and are then forced to try to fill 4 hours of airtime as people run on-screen. It is some of the funniest TV you will get to see all year. It really is too bad that in the last couple of years we have seen two of the three major local networks stop carrying live coverage of the marathon, because now, instead of anyone who speaks English and has ever run a marathon getting hired by one station or another, the lone station that still carries it live has been able to only hire the best of whats out there for their marathon coverage, leading to the awkward pauses only coming every 5 minutes or so.

Seriously, I do kind of feel bad for these people, because there is not much you can say when people are running. Repeating, "he's got a good rhythm and pace going" can only take you so far. Imagine watching a NASCAR race in which the cars never bumped each other and it was just 500 miles of a car (very politely) searching for an opening to go through. Well, that's what watching a marathon is like. As a result, the announcers have to make some of the more awkward conversation that you are every going to hear come through your television. As a man who takes great delight in awkward conversations, it is one of the highlights of the television year. One of the better ones that I heard this morning was when the normal sports anchor asked one of the race announcers why some of the elite runners would be wearing gloves. Her response? "It's cold this morning." Well, thank God you were here to bring us that informed opinion, because us non-runners never would have figured that out. Later this same woman mentioned that the defending men's wheelchair champion had had a baby recently and that "can really throw off your training." Again, way to keep your priorities.

Now, I'm sure it's not easy to comment on running, because much like a pitching motion or golf swing, each person's is unique and tailored only to the person who is actually doing the motion. If someone has a funky running style, but it works for them, who are we to comment if they run more upright than most? That's why I think it would be better if the announcers just decided to give the marathon the Mystery Science Theater treatment and crack jokes for four solid hours. I imagine that they could have had some real fun when the woman leading the marathon almost threw up around mile 24.

-While we're cleaning up marathon coverage, can we do away with the interview with the race winner once they have crossed the finish line? What are you expecting these people to say that could be so important we need to hear it the second they break the tape? They've just put their bodies through hell and probably want to collapse as soon as they make it to the end, but instead we feel the need to shove a microphone in their face and ask how they feel about the race they just finished. Mostly, the answer is something along the lines of "Grahksladshda... tired... dsahdasjhs... good time.... fsadhsadasd... pushed me at the end." I think, much like asking boxers who have just been punched in the face a hundred times, that this is a giant waste of time. We're not going to learn anything different if we first let them have a drink, a seat and a rest before we start bombarding them with questions. In fact, the reporters would come off as much less intrusive.

A Biased View

I'm willing to admit that if Kevin Garnett was not a Celtic, I would be ripping him today for throwing elbows in last night's game. After all, Garnett seems to rub a lot of players the wrong way and, as I've said before, you can only be in so many altercations before you have to wonder if it's you. The fact that guys who aren't even in the same playoff series have come out and said that Garnett has a history of playing dirty should speak volumes (still, perhaps Joakim Noah should worry about his own series and not suddenly grow a voice when he knows he won't be seeing Garnett again this year). Garnett has always been an intense player, but he also needs to be smarter with his actions. He can't let a marginal guard take him out of the game and even worse, getting suspended for the next one during a crucial playoff series. Beating the Heat will be hard enough without having to start Rasheed Wallace and his gut at power forward in Game 2. [Sidebar: Rasheed, no one is going to yell at you if you want to.... you know, run, at some point this season. This isn't like being in the halls at high school.] Garnett needs to dial the intensity back and think it through.

All that being said, however, KG is a Celtic and thus I put all the blame on Quentin Richardson. I don't know why he felt the need to go stand over Paul Pierce and if you want to talk about a guy having a reputation, Richardson was traded about 8 times this offseason. There's a guy it seems no one wants on their team, despite his obvious skills. Danny Ainge actually had tried multiple times to sign him through the years. Given the fact that Richardson has come out and said he doesn't like Pierce or Garnett, I would say that it's probably a good thing Danny never pulled that one off. Though, I do want to thank Richardson, because I was having a tough time coming up with the one player on the Heat I was going to have an irrational hatred for until the series is over (I was going to go after Jermaine O'Neal due to his previous playoff history against the Celtics, but it just felt forced). That problem has been solved.

-I know that movie directors are often put under a lot of pressure to bring their film in under a certain time limit. A lot of people are scared away from seeing something in the theatre if they hear that a movie is almost 3 hours long. Still, I think at times directors take it for granted that we haven't all read the script and therefore don't know the entire story like the people who lived this movie for the last 4 months. It turns out that oftentimes a scene that has been cut would come in handy to see in the context of the movie. Recently the movie channels have started showing the director's cut of Watchmen. Now, this was a movie that I had to watch twice to figure out what the hell I was looking at to begin with, but now that I've seen the extended director's cut several parts make much more sense. I think that film-makers would be well served to bring in a couple of friends who have never seen the movie before (and if the story is based on a book, haven't read the book either) to come in and watch the film before it's released. This way they could ask any questions that may arise during the movie and if those questions would have been answered in a scene that was cut then the director would have a much better idea of what he needs to keep. And if you still need to cut for time, I'm sure there are some background shots for ambiance we could all live without.

Neither Of You Should Get The Name

It has not been a good spring for David Ortiz. First the Red Sox didn't extend his contract, then for the second straight season he has gotten off to a slow start, leading to speculation that he may be benched shortly, and now he's getting sued. Turns out that Ortiz opened a night club in the Dominican Republic and he called it the 40/40 Club, which is the same name as a couple of clubs owned by rapper Jay-Z. Why Ortiz couldn't just name the club the Big Papi Grille like his restaurant in Framingham we may never know. Now, I'm actually willing to overlook Ortiz being unoriginal because, let's be honest, he's a baseball player and not a marketing major. Also, it's not like Jay-Z is even a professional baseball player, let alone in the 40/40 Club, so you can see why Ortiz's people may not think he has exclusive rights to the name. Or maybe Ortiz thought since his club in the Dominican Republic it would fly under the radar. Either way, Ortiz has allegedly been in Jay-Z's club before, so it's not like he can claim ignorance. The bigger question to me is why Ortiz would even want to name his place the 40/40 Club, cause it's not like he's even slightly connected to those numbers.

For those of you who may not be baseball fans, the 40/40 Club is made up of people who have stolen 40 bases and hit 40 homeruns in the same season. As of right now, only four players in history have ever reached those numbers (Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco and Alfonso Soriano). Other than also being a suspected steroid user, which 3 of those 4 players are, Ortiz has no connection to the 40/40 number. In fact, he has a grand total of 10 stolen bases for his career. In other words, he's never even come close. Calling it Club 34 (his jersey number) or Club 54 (his career high for homeruns in a season) makes infinitely more sense. Also, while we're at it, Jay-Z should be asked to re-name his club as well, because 40/40 doesn't make much sense for him. Maybe something in reference to his musical career would be more appropriate, even though the 40/40 Club is a supposed to be a sports bar. I'm just really surprised that it ever came to this, because every guy has at some point in his life thought about owning his own bar and thus spent some time coming up with a name for this imaginary bar (we also do the same thing with band names before we've even picked up an instrument). I never would have thought this would be an issue.

-You know what is annoying me this week? iTunes "Album Only" restriction in the iStore. Usually this is used as a way to prevent people from only buying the one new song on a band's greatest hits album and I have always had a problem with bands that do that to begin with. Greatest hits albums are pretty much just a money-grab attempt any way, so I don't like it when they add one new song to the mix as if that makes it ok. "Hey, look, one new song to cover up the fact that we want you to spend money on a collection of songs loyal fans would already own." It's not cool, and trying to prevent fans from saving $8 and only buying the only song that wouldn't be a repeat in their collection is exactly why people find alternate (read: free) ways to download music. I'm more than happy to go the legal route and spend the $1.29, but don't expect me to shell out the cash for the full album just so I can have a third version of the same song in my library.

Just A Reminder

I don't think of myself as an overly-religious person. However, all those years of Catholic schooling have made me fairly convinced that a higher power does exist. So, I think it is fairly amusing when, at a time when confidence in organized religions are reaching very low levels, that God decides to show up and just remind us that he can throw a wrench into the best-laid plans at any moment. "I never gave you wings, but you all invented the airplane instead. Fine, you found your way around that problem... so you can all deal with volcanic ash for a while." I also find it funny that some of the best volcanic scientists in the world have no idea why this volcano has started going off now and also have no idea when it will end. Other than that, though, I'm sure their grant money is going to great use.

-I'm not very surprised that Doc Rivers is thinking about walking away from the Celtics following this year. I feel like all locker rooms start to tune out coaches after a few seasons and, especially in basketball, it is much easier to change the coach than it is to change most of the roster. Clearly adding Rasheed Wallace hasn't worked out and it is unlikely that the run with the current roster will be continuing much longer. Why come back to try to hold this thing together with tape and hope while Danny Ainge tries to rebuild on the fly? Doc has won his ring and has nothing left to prove. Rivers can go to TV and be perfectly content that his resume will get him another job as soon as he feels like going back to the bench. To be honest, I was never that huge of a fan of Doc's coaching style and was surprised that he was able to guide the Celtics to the 2008 Championship. I never would have thought that level of leadership could come from the same man who never changed a line-up, called out a superstar or even got mad enough to get ejected during an 18-game losing streak in 2007. He's exceeded my every expectation. If he wants to walk away and watch his kids play basketball I think Ainge should respect his desire.

-As for those Celtics, I don't like the way they are playing heading into the playoffs. I don't like teams that think they can coast through the regular season and then turn it on at a moment's notice. It sets a very bad precedent when there has been no intensity for the last 3 months. I guess that comes from playing in the worst division in basketball and knowing you have secured a playoff spot 20 games into an 82-game schedule. Still, I'm not overly worried about the Heat. I don't think a team with Dwayne Wade and not much else can beat a team of Pierce, Garnett, Rondo and Allen. The Celtics just have too much fire power. Also, I think the way the NBA playoffs are dragged out is a major benefit to an older team like the C's. I'll say they beat the Heat in 5 games (anything beyond that, however, is up for debate).

Office Ying And Yang

The other day, following my poison ivy-induced trip to the emergency room, I had to drop some papers off at an office and fill out a couple of forms. Now, the woman I had talked to on the phone beforehand made it sound as though it was a very informal thing, would take four minutes and I could pretty much show up at my earliest convenience whenever I had a free couple of minutes. So, I wandered into the office a couple days after the phone call and first saw a woman who was sitting in poorly-lit room with her head hunched down. When I approached her to inquire about the forms I was supposed to fill out she snapped at me, "Did you make an appointment? You can't just walk in here, you know." (As it would turn out, I'm living proof you can do just that.) I now think she was sitting in the dark room with her head down because she didn't want to do any work and thought by laying low people wouldn't see her in the office.

Fairly annoyed at her tone, I started to walk out of the office when I ran into one of her co-workers. This woman started chatting with me, invited me into her (well-lit) office, knew exactly what I was there for, had the forms ready for me, made small talk about my neighborhood, then got my business done and had me on my way in about ten minutes. She was very nice and personable. As I was walking out I passed the first woman out on a smoking break. "Did you get everything handled?" she asked. "Yes, but no thanks to you," I thought. (Outwardly I was still very polite, cause I'm a wuss like that.) Anyways this got me to thinking about the balance that you often see in office settings. It feels like this dynamic is always in play.

It seems as though in every office, no matter the industry, there is always one person who is cheerful, ready, willing, able and wanting to help people get their stuff done. Then there is always one person with the bad attitude who just wants to clock in and hide until it's time for lunch, a smoking break or to go home. Thinking back to office jobs I have had in the past, I can immediately remember who falls into which category. I'm just wondering if HR people do this on purpose. I imagine that someone who pays closer attention to this sort of thing (after all, you can major in HR) would treat it like a battery, in that two positive people would cancel each other out and two negative people would never get any work done. It can't be an accident that it comes into play just about everywhere.

Survey Time

There is an election coming up in November and some primaries before that, so that means we are back into political phone survey time. The last couple of days my phone has been ringing with people who want to obviously read from scripts and disjointedly mispronounce names as they get my opinion on hot-button issues. As a registered Independent and someone with their phone number on the "Do Not Call" list I'm not sure how they got a hold of my number. But, beyond the annoyance of the phone ringing, I'm mostly worried about the precedent this sets, because I don't think the primary is until September and I hope this doesn't mean I have four months of these phone calls coming. The other side, though, is that I like to give opinions to these people because I have this vision of someone going over my answers, saying to themselves, "I want to hear more about what this man has to say," which would then lead to a very successful and lucrative career as a political consultant. The problem, of course, is that I'm a rational person who lands somewhere in the middle on most issues, which makes me just like everyone else.

The woman that called today first wanted to ask me a series of questions, starting with if I had heard of the following people:
Senator John Kerry. Yes, I have actually heard of the guy who's represented my state for 30 years or so and ran for President a while back.
Governor Deval Patrick. First off, she couldn't pronounce Deval, which did not bode well for her. Clearly she is either not from this state or never got this far into her script before talking to me. Still, you should pre-read a script before and ask about names you aren't familiar with. That's broadcasting 101.
The United States Congress. Have I heard of Congress? I actually had her repeat it, because it was such a strange question. If I hadn't heard of Congress, what makes you think I would have heard of a Senator?

Then she wanted to know if I was for or against a couple of hot-button political issues:
Do you want to roll the sales tax back to 5% (sure)
Are you in favor of term limits? (no)
Are you in favor of casinos in Massachusetts? (yes)
Do you think illegal immigrants should be given access to state health benefits and resident rates to state colleges? Wow, we jumped up a notch there, didn't we? Not to mention, there is kind of a lot there and it's not really a yes or no question, is it? You can't just give an up or down answer on that, which was all she wanted from me.

The problem with all of this was that it took so long I ended up having another phone call that I needed to take call beep into my survey and I was forced to hang up on the woman before I even got through all of her questions. I hope that she at least takes the answers I did give into consideration, otherwise I just wasted 10 minutes of my life and didn't further my consulting career one bit.

My Poison Ivy Adventure

So, last Saturday I talked about how I managed to clear a section of my yard of thorn vines to plant some new trees and I felt very productive for the effort. Well, by Saturday night I had started to develop a small rash on both of my forearms just above my wrists. At first it wasn't that big a deal as I get some poison ivy almost every single summer. I just threw on a long-sleeve tee-shirt and went about my night. However, Sunday morning I awoke to find that my lips had just about doubled in size and were now very red and tender. If it was a botox treatment it would have taken me a lot of money to get them this big. Still, I was not too concerned about it, I just figured it would go away if I ignored it (this is the same medical tact I take with all my aliments). The real problem began on Monday morning when I awoke very early to find that half my face was red and puffy, to the point that my right eye was practically swollen shut. Honestly, it looked as though I had been punched in the eye by Andre the Giant. Now, for all the times that I have been attacked by poison ivy it has never spread to my face, so for the first time I was actually concerned. Oh, in addition it had also spread overnight to my stomach, back, up my entire forearms, in between most of my fingers (which had now swollen to about twice their normal size) and a couple patches had sprung up on my legs. I'll admit, I did not look my best.

My mother thought I should go to the hospital but, as a veteran of the poison ivy problem, I started instead to do my normal regiment of taking baths with baking soda (more on that in a second) and taking Benadryl. I thought as long as the swelling went down in my face I could deal with the rest. It was not a very good night, as I kept waking up because of the extreme discomfort. Also, I was sleeping in long sleeves and pajama pants, which I'm not a fan of, because I'm already a furnace at night. I think the kicker was when I noticed the left side of my face was starting to swell up as well, though that went back down overnight. I decided that if the facial swelling wasn't cleared up by Tuesday afternoon I would give in and go to the hospital. In the mean time I started going online looking for home remedies I should try, which leads me to this point: when you are in a severe amount of discomfort, you will begin to listen to anything that sounds remotely plausible. Thus, after reading on some guy's blog that direct heat would kill the itch, I found myself with a hair dryer, blowing hot air directly into my face. I want you to know that not only does that not help, you almost immediately feel stupid for even trying.

I was really resisting going to the hospital because I had this vision of being in the emergency room, finding myself sitting between one guy who had cut off his finger and another who was having a heart attack, them turning to me asking what was wrong and all I would have in response was, "Um, I'm itchy." You can imagine my testosterone-fuel hesitation. However, I think I was slightly vindicated when the first nurse I saw asked me how bad the poison ivy was and as I lifted my shirt to show her the patch on my stomach she visibly recoiled and immediately whisked me away to the back room and away from any other patients. At this point the doctor came in and he too did not seem very impressed with my puffy face until he saw how bad the patch on my stomach was, at which point he also backed away. I feel like if you can make an ER doctor recoil then you were right to come in. They initially talked about giving me an IV of steroids, but since I wasn't having any vision or breathing problems I was deemed ok for just pills. The doctor prescribed a concoction of steroids pills and cream and then sprinted out of the room before I could make the "Guess I won't be competing in the Olympics this year" joke that the poor man probably has to hear every time he prescribes anyone steroids. [Sidebar: a couple months ago I talked about how, since I am not a drug taker, simple medicine like cough syrup can throw me for one hell of a loop and I have really vivid dreams. Well, those were nothing compared to what I have been experiencing on steroids. We're talking major productions going on in my head: a cast of hundreds, car chases, explosions - it's all very exciting. Honestly, if I talked in my sleep you would be getting quite the movie script out of this. Last night I dreamed an entire Christmas episode of The Office.]

The other thing I tried was an oatmeal bath because that is supposed to help with the itch. Here is what I learned about myself through all of this: I'm not a bath guy. First off, I've essentially out-grown my tub. Trying to submerge my body underwater would have resulted in the flooding of my bathroom. Secondly, I don't like the fact that the water goes cold fairly quickly, at which point you are just sitting in cold water like the world's loneliest pool party. Thirdly, both the baking soda and the oatmeal bath (both are about equally effective, which is to say not that much) leave a ring around the tub that you have to go back and clean later. I really prefer showers, which is where the Fels-Naptha soap comes in handy. Fels-Naptha is a cleaning agent that is supposed to be used as a detergent, but has had a second life as a poison ivy remedy even though it clearly states on the package that you should avoid prolonged exposure to skin. Whatever, it works.

So after a week of keeping myself away from other human beings as much as possible, it appears I've finally got this outbreak on the run. I have a small patch on my stomach remaining, but it is just discolored, not swollen or itchy at all and other than a couple small areas on my arms I am pretty much back to normal. This should not deter me from going on any hikes this summer but, with all due respect to Robert Frost, screw the path less travelled - I'm staying on the ones that have been cleared for people to walk on. Also, I'm out-sourcing any more yard work that comes up this year.

Sports Writers Are Slow Learners

I can not get over how many sports writers are trying to add to the tidal wave of stories today where the main premise is that Phil Mickelson is a good guy who won for his family and Tiger Woods is the adulterer who got what he deserved by struggling to a disappointing 4th place finish at the Masters. Instead of talking about Mickelson's gutsy play on the 13th hole, hitting out of the trees to within 4 feet for an eagle try, writers across America are talking about how this was more than a golf tournament, but more like a morality play. Did we learn absolutely nothing from the last 4 months of revelations? We don't know these guys at all. We don't know what the Mickelson home life is like or what they act like behind closed doors. Do they have a loving, typical all-American marriage? Of course we want to hope and think that, and the Mickelsons have never given us a reason to think otherwise. But, at the same time, how many people would have guessed all the pies that Tiger had his fingers in? Just because athletes and their families put on the happy face in public it doesn't mean that is the way their life actually is.

This is the problem with all these sports writers who can so easily be duped into thinking that just because they interview a guy for 10 minutes after a round of golf that they know who the person is deep down. For all the crap that newspaper writers want to give bloggers or people like Bill Simmons, who write from the fan's perspective without going into locker room or conducting interviews, at least those kinds of writers don't let personal bias get in the way. They mostly stick to what happens during the actual event and are not going to overlook one thing or another because they are getting access to the players. And, frankly, I think that is a much better system. Why don't we all agree to go back to the day where we only praised or condemn athletes based on what we know to be true (their performances on the field) and stop trying to fill in the blanks just to make a deadline.

-I'm not sure what to do with the news that Conan O'Brien will be getting a new show Monday - Thursday at 11 PM on TBS, because that's prime Daily Show watching time. This is hard, cause it's a battle of two of my favorite comedians/nerds. Honestly, there are like 5 good shows on all of television, how hard would it be for people to coordinate it so that they aren't on at the same time?

People Will Pay For Anything

So, the other day Dallas Stadium, home to the NFL's Dallas Cowboys for a number of years, was demolished after the team moved to a new facility. What's weird is that 20,000 people paid for the right to tailgate and celebrate the demolition. Now, I'm all for spending money on sporting events or even sports memorabilia, but what exactly are you getting when you pay to watch a demolition? Honestly, they're not going to let you take a piece of the stadium home with you. I'll be curious as to what the Cowboys actually charged to be there, because the ceremony amounted to about 30 seconds of actual action. And, jokes on them, cause you can watch the same thing for free right here.

-I take issue with Domino's newest line of TV ads in which they try and win back all the people who talked badly about their pizzas in supposedly 'secret' marketing meetings. They show up at their houses with free pizzas and personal attention. Well, what about me, Domino's? I've been eating your apparently sub-standard pizza for years without a peep. I thought it was just fine the way it was and I'm willing to bet it was a lot more cost-effective than the new ingredients will turn out to be. How about some reward for customer loyalty? Where is my free pizza?

-Charlie Sheen is apparently willing to walk away from his hit TV show, Two and a Half Men over a contract dispute. Now, Charlie, I'm sure you are anxious to get back to films so you can make more fine movies like Scary Movie 4 and Good Advice, but I want you to take a step back and think about David Caruso. He walked away from a good TV gig to make crappy movies and he barely had a career left when he went back to TV. As it stands you make almost a million dollars an episode doing your show. There is no way you can make that kind of money in movies, cause you're not that big of a movie actor and you have a... colorful... private life. Honestly, no one is clamoring for another Major League movie to come out any time soon. The grass isn't always greener.

Tom Thinks You're An Idiot

There is a long tradition of athletes talking about themselves in the third person. Ricky Henderson was the one who really pioneered the craze ("This is Rickey calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball.") and Deion Sanders took it to an entire other level when he occasionally referred to himself by his self-given nickname of "Prime Time", making him the first athlete to refer to himself in the fourth person. While I don't think this is a practice that should ever have caught on, I think it's ok as long as you have the resume or personality to pull it off. Henderson was one of the greatest baseball players of all time while Sanders was bombastic enough that people could just shrug and play it off as part of his charm. They could make it work for them.

However, this morning I was reading the paper and saw this quote from Michael Campbell following him finishing tied for DFL at this year's Masters, "I just need to get myself sorted out mentally because it's just not working and Michael Campbell should not be shooting these scores, simple as that." Alright, there are two thing wrong with that statement: 1. Michael Campbell is a golfer. I love golf, but it is not a sport that lends itself to referring to oneself in the third person. 2. He's pretty much only known for winning the U.S. Open in 2005, which was his only PGA Tour win and a victory that is now widely considered to be a fluke. He hasn't won another tournament since that year and hasn't even had a top-20 finish in any major since his 2005 win. So, as it turns out, those are exactly the kind of scores he should be shooting. Perhaps Michael Campbell should just be happy that he got to play in this year's Masters, because his exemptions run out after this year and he is unlikely to be back anytime soon.

-So, Butler University, the darlings of this year's NCAA tournament after a deep run to the championship game, rewarded Brad Stevens, their fresh-faced coach, with a new 12-year contract extension. This is a nothing new. Colleges and universities give coaches big extensions following good seasons all the time and I understand that Butler is just trying to send the message to other universities that may be in need of a coach to back off, because Stevens isn't going anywhere. But, a 12-year contract seems excessive because, let's be honest, all it really means is that Stevens isn't going anywhere for next season. Anything beyond that is up for grabs. Let's just say following the 2011 season Bill Self decides he wants to try his hand at the NBA and the University of Kansas sets their sights (and considerable athletic budget) on Brad Stevens. Do you honestly think he would stay at Butler? Of course not. I'm sure Butler is a great school, but they are not the Jayhawks. That 12-year extension isn't really worth the paper it's printed on. All this will really do is make Stevens pay more money if he ever wants to buy out his contract. The NCAA spends most of their time coming up with rules that don't help anyone, perhaps a limit on how long a coach's extension should be are in order.

Why Not Just Film In Boston?

There is a long tradition of television shows being based in the great city of Boston, MA. But, here's the thing that drives me crazy about most of them: they were filmed no where near the city of Boston, the state of Massachusetts or even the Eastern Time Zone. Instead, most of them are filmed on lots in California with the occasional between scene cut-away shots of the Prudential Center or Fenway Park just to remind you where you should pretend this is all taking place. Any scenes taking place inside will have the occasional Red Sox poster in the background or some guy in a Patriots hat named Sully (and you do not want to get me started on Hollywood's pathetic attempts at Boston accents) because that's what everyone who is not from here thinks about when it comes to Boston. The problem really gets noticeable whenever the characters are on the streets because you can tell that it is clearly California by either the weather or the architecture. It never looks like Boston. There is a certain grittiness to the city that can't be replicated.

Now, I know that the funding ran out on the large movie studio that was supposed to be built in Plymouth (saved a very nice golf course in the process, if that's any consolation), but that doesn't mean the area doesn't have any place to film a show. I'm sure we could find the space if a production company was interested. I would imagine that a movie is a much larger undertaking and those are filmed in the area all the time, so why not a TV show? Clearly people want to base shows in the city, so why not actually film in the area, use the actual familiar landmarks (not just a picture of one) and use actors from the area so that the accents don't make it sound like everyone from here is related to the Kennedys? Honestly, I bet you end up with a better show in the process.

-So, yesterday half of the Kentucky Wildcats declared themselves eligible for this year's NBA Draft. This was not unexpected, because most people felt that if the NBA didn't have an age limit these kids would have tried to go straight from high school to the NBA. Now, personally I don't care one way or another what happens at the University of Kentucky, but I would have to think that this is a dangerous path to go down for the basketball team. First off, with the exception of Carmello Anthony at Syracuse, there is not a great tradition of one-and-doners being able to capture an NCAA Championship. Teams need a couple seasons to really gel and learn to win together. But, the other issue is that it puts a ton of pressure on the coaching staff to recruit well every single year. You can't afford to have a bad recruiting class when you turn over half your roster every year and the half that remained was the benchwarmers who never played. It's a very thin margin for error. If Calipari can't pull in three or four McDonald's All-Americans to fill the void made by all the guys leaving early then Kentucky is going to go from a highly ranked team to one that will struggle to make the tournament.

A Testament To Not Getting Fired

Last night Don Nelson won his 1,333 game as a Head Coach, the most in NBA history. But, I have to say, I've never thought of Don Nelson as a great NBA coach. Sure, he pioneered the revolutionary point-foward position and brought Run TMC into our lives, but he's never made an NBA Finals, his winning percentage is only .565 and he was the coach who introduced the fan-killing Hack-A-Shaq during the NBA playoffs. Also, I think it speaks volumes that he was never considered for the Celtics head coaching job during the early 90's, even though you know Red would have preferred to stay in the family. Nellie's coaching career could best be summed up in one word: eh. He always had a descent enough record to be retained, but never did a spectacular enough job to lead his teams to the promised land. He was paid just enough money that it would not have made sense to fire him, meaning teams would still have to pay his salary, and also he was never bad enough to warrant getting fired mid-season. Basically, I feel like he got this record not by having the best teams or being the best coach, but by continually tricking people into giving him job after job. I guess this is what happens when NBA owners accept mediocrity.

-Yesterday I was watching the annual Par 3 Challenge at the Masters. It's a fun event that no one takes very seriously, because no one who has won the Par 3 Challenge has ever won the Masters. Basically any player with a legitimate shot at the big tournament half-asses their way around the Par 3 course on superstition alone. Mostly it's a chance for players to bring their kids or wives out with them on the course, have them caddy as well as putt for them and the fans get a lot of autographs from players. It's that last thing I want to comment on. Several players would sign golf balls and then fire them into the crowd, where normally dignified men would dive on the ground like idiots for them. There is something very disturbing about seeing guys in their mid-40's running over children to catch golf balls. Masters tickets are not cheap, so you have to figure these guys have some money in their bank accounts. Seriously, if want a signed golf ball that much hit up eBay and save some pride.

-Dear David Ortiz,
Look, buddy, I love you. Well, not really you (I don't know you that well), but I do love what you did for the Red Sox from 2003-2007. However, you were compensated pretty handsomely for your work. Not to mention, the Red Sox gave you a job when no one else in baseball was all that interested in you. Now, you had a really bad opening half to last season and the team stuck by you, despite your prolonged slump. Complaining about not getting your options picked up during Spring Training was not a good move by you. Throw in the slow start again this season and the steroid allegations that came out last year and I have to say you are really not in any position to throw temper-tantrums at the media. You lose the media, Papi, and they can/will slowly turn the fans against you (ask Manny Ramirez how that worked out). Dude, you just need to bear down and let your bat do the talking for you. That's the best way to silence all your critics - not yelling expletives at the beat writers during a pre-game interview.

At Least He's Working...

It's always frustrating to know a face, but not where you know it from. As I have been lying around letting the poison ivy medication do it's thing (I'll tell you the whole story when the story has reached it's end), I have been watching a lot of TV and I keep seeing this one Staples ad where a customer keeps getting annoyed because another customer keeps yelling about low prices over and over again. I knew I knew the annoyed actor from somewhere, but I could not remember from where. I could even picture him sitting at a computer in some movie. Now, this happens a lot, but since I've got the time on my hands this week I was determined to find out where I knew this guy from. I don't want to tell you how long it took me to find out his name, but I did finally track it down (Joey Slotnick) and IMDB page.

I'm not sure how I feel for Mr. Slotnick, because this guy had some appearances in a couple big movies through the years and keeps popping up on TV shows, so you would have to figure he keeps getting checks. But, there has always been a stigma about actors doing commercials so you know he would rather be doing anything else. After all, there has to be a reason that big-name actors like Brad Pitt and George Clooney will only agree to do TV ads if they will only be seen overseas. But, Slotnick seems to have been working pretty steadily thorough the years, so maybe they just offered him so much money he felt he couldn't turn them down or maybe he has family who could use a large discount on office supplies. Either way, at least I can stop trying to remember where I knew him from.

-The Masters kicks off tomorrow, so here is my official preview: I don't expect Tiger to win, but I do expect him to be in contention. I think Woods will have a rough go the first 4 holes, before snapping his head back into the game and finishing in the top 25. My pick for the win is Padraig Harrington. Harrington is playing well, but also staying far enough under the radar that he comes in with no pressure and could sneak to the 54 hole lead. Plus, he's never won this tournament and if he wins it would be his 4th Major, putting him second only to Tiger for Major wins by an active player. He mentioned the other day he was well aware of that stat, so I bet he's very motivated to distance himself from everyone else. Then again, I'm completely guessing.

Couple Fast Ones

I'm still covered in poison ivy and so I don't feel like writing a ton, so you're just getting a couple quickies today to keep the "Drive For 500" alive.

-You know, all the love that Pedro Martinez got on Opening Night is going to make it really awkward when he signs with a team like the Angels in mid-July, comes back for a big game and gets booed. You know he doesn't think of himself as retired, so he'll wait and see which teams are contenders before signing in the middle of the season, just like last year. I like this new mercenary phenomenon that has come around with aging pitchers in the last couple of years. I think baseball players should just all sign one-year deals - it would make July a lot more interesting.

-I was really surprised that Donovan McNabb was traded in the division, but I guess that speaks to the level of confidence that the Eagles have in not only Kevin Kolb, but also their defense playing him twice a year. The Patriots did this with Drew Bledsoe and after the first game it never bothered them again. But, on the other side of the coin, the Packers fought tooth and nail to keep Favre out of the division and now we know why.

-Hey, Basketball Writers of America, great job on putting Dennis Johnson in the Hall of Fame. Sure, you're only about 8 years too late, but I'm sure you thought putting coaches no one had heard of before into the Hall of Fame was a more pressing matter.

This Sucks

Remember how I said I like yard work? Well, I forgot that yard work doesn't always like me, because of poison ivy. I'm extremely allergic and if I just look at this stuff I break out. Normally I can just deal with it and move on, but this particular outbreak has spread to my face. I'm red, swollen and look like I got punched in the right eye. Fortunately it's not itchy, just swollen. Still, it has not been a good day.

Opening Day/Night

So, today is Opening Day for the Red Sox, marking the beginning of the two weeks that I care intensely about baseball, which ends as soon as the Celtics start the playoffs. [Sidebar: the caring begins again once the Celtics are eliminated and ends pretty much for good once Patriot's Training Camp starts. Really, I would like to care more, but there are just too many games during baseball season. Also, it should be noted that while my "not caring" leaves me at a 4 out of 10 on the interest scale, but when it comes to sports my 4 is equal to most people's 8.] Now, as much as I enjoy the sideshow that goes along with Opening Day, I think that there will be a few things missing from it this year.

The first thing you are missing is that it is happening on a weekend. Opening Day is one of those rare days that isn't actually a holiday, but no one will say anything if you treat it like it is one at work. It lessens some of the importance of the game when it could just be like any other day of the rest of the season. The other problem is that the game isn't starting until 8 pm. Here in the Northeast it still gets pretty cold at night during spring and even though today is warm, that doesn't mean it won't still be chilly in Fenway around midnight, which is when a typical Sox/Yankee game gets to the 7th inning stretch. Afternoon games are the best in April and May, where it doesn't start to chill until the game is over. Lastly, I don't think Opening Day should ever be a game between the Sox and the Yankees because each one of those games is an event unto themselves - they don't need the extra boost that comes from Opening Day. [Extra sidebar: Not that I'm a Yankee sympathiser, but they seem to be getting a raw deal here. When was the last time the World Champions had to open their season on the road against their biggest rival? What ever happened to the victors getting the spoils?] With all that being said, I am still excited for tonight's opening festivities and game.

As for the Red Sox outlook this season, I am concerned that they didn't go out and add some power to the lineup. I know that Matt Holliday was the big fish this offseason and while I wouldn't have wanted the Sox to throw a big contract his way, but they still could have made a trade for a bat. Given the signing of John Lackey, it's not like they wouldn't have had a pitcher or two to make a deal with. I appreciate Theo's idea of pitching and defense leading the way, but that can lead to a lot of 4-3 wins and if a starter has a bad first inning and the Sox find themselves down 5 runs, I'm not totally sure they have the offense to make up that kind of deficit. You have to think that Ortiz's days of being a feared hitter are behind him. They could have used more protection in the line-up. Still, if everyone stays healthy the rotation will get them 90+ wins and into the playoffs, which is really all you want. You can't win the Series without first making the playoffs. I still think the Yankees will be a major hurdle, but I didn't fear them last year and I don't think they are significantly better this year. A third World Series Title in the last seven seasons is not out of the question.

Ode To An Alligator

Met with an absolutely gorgeous day I figured I should begin the process of cleaning up the yard after a tough winter. With the exception of raking, I actually like most yard work. I find it very satisfying to get a project done, especially one which makes things noticeably better immediately. It also helps that there are often fun tools to use to get those projects done. Today I was trying to clear a section of the yard that has been over-run by thorn vines. Now, more on those vines in a second, but to clear the area I used the Black & Decker Alligator and I have to say that this thing was really cool. It is basically a small electric chainsaw with guards on either side to make it work more like a clipper than anything else. It's small enough to get close to the ground to take out vines, but has enough power to take out bigger saplings. I wish I had taken a before picture to show you how much it cleared out, but you'll just have to take my word for it when I tell you it did an outstanding job. Plus, it has a picture of an alligator on the saw, which just looks cool.
-These vines that I had to fight with were driving me crazy. I have no idea what these things were, but I can tell you they were annoying. They were a purple color, only produced thorns (no flowers) and they were everywhere. In one instance there was literally an inch of dirt between two rocks and there were vines growing in that one inch. I can't imagine that anyone would ever plant these on purpose because they didn't look good or seem very inviting. I mean, even a medieval king trying to repel commoners would have thought planting these things was a dick move. But, on the comedy side of things, every time I recoiled my hand after getting pricked by a thorn my father would point out that getting a tattoo probably hurt a lot more. Makes you feel good when that is the jumping-off point on the pain scale.

This Is Great... Let's Wreck It

As I wrote when it started, I happen to love the first days of the NCAA tournament. I find them to be two of the best sports days on the calendar. I actually like the entire concept of the NCAA tournament. I think that having an open competition where everyone starts on (mostly) equal footing with an even chance to win is exactly what you want in college and amateur athletics. Now, sure, every year there is a team or two who can complain about being left out the brackets, but I've always felt that if you took care of your business during the regular season then you don't have anything to worry about. Besides, the teams who are borderline entries are rarely able to make deep runs anyway. Basically, the tournament is as close to perfect as we can get in college sports today... which is why it is so terrible that the NCAA Presidents seem determined to mess it up.

Currently there is a proposal to expand the tournament to 96 teams, which would give the top eight seeds in every bracket a bye and would expand the tournament a couple extra days. On the surface there doesn't seem much wrong with this because it really just means more basketball for everyone. However, it is not like you are letting in more quality teams. All you are really doing is letting in a few more small schools be fodder for the high seeds and allowing more bad teams from major conferences to save face by saying they have made the NCAA tournament. Also, I don't like the higher seeds getting byes, because I feel like this gives them an unfair advantage with a couple extra days rest. Basically, they want to wreck what might be the best aspect of the sport. Plus, I just don't see why they are messing with a good thing when there are other things they should be addressing first. I have never heard a single complaint before this year or anyone calling to expand the tournament, but every year people complain about the BCS from August - January. The BCS remains, but they want to mess with the NCAA Tournament just to make even more money (none of which, by the way, would lower tuition costs). It is such a mistake which, sadly, makes it pretty much inevitable.

-I don't pretend to be a gun guy. I don't own a gun and can't see any reason that I would own a gun in the future. (Maybe if I got a sweet gun rack or something, but that seems unlikely.) The point is, I don't want one, but if you want a gun and you a licensed to carry in your state, then it is your right to have one. But with that being said: Shaun Rogers, if you have so many guns that you forget where they all are and accidentally try to bring one on a plane, then it may be time to take a step back and re-assess whether or not you own too many guns. Also, I would recommend taking a gun safety class as soon as you get out of jail.

They're Getting Bolder

Remember back when 'product placement' was one of those terms that only people who worked in entertainment would know? We could watch movies and be mildly surprised when we saw one of the people onscreen drinking out of a Dunkin Donuts cup, thinking that it was just a coincidence - completely unaware that the reality was Dunkin had paid millions upon millions of dollars to have their cup onscreen for 30 seconds. If the actor was driving a new Mustang we figured it was because the director loved the imagery of a classic American muscle car and never suspected it was because Ford was anxious to start pimping next year's models. I miss those days, because now people are just becoming blatant with product placement in TV and movies.

I get that with the rise of DVRs more people started skipping commercials and so advertising people had to get more creative. It started with logos becoming clearer, bigger and easier to read in the background of scenes. I was fine with that. But, somewhere along the way people just started blatantly putting ads in the middle of television shows. A couple months ago an episode of Bones may as well have been an hour-long commercial for Avatar. Yesterday I was watching Human Target when a commercial for the new Chevy Camaro broke out in the first three minutes. They did everything but begin talking about sticker price. But the worst was when I was watching a show and the actor had dubbed in a line (you can always tell the dubbed in lines, cause they sound just off enough to notice) specifically to mention how roomy her new Toyota was. Seriously, this is getting out of hand. I don't care about products being precisely placed around a movie set, but shows are already down to 44 minutes with the commercials, don't cut into that time further by putting commercials in the dialog.

-So, not that I want to gross you out with details, but after reading the excerpts of the new Tiger Woods "Vanity Fair" article, I bet those guys working for the "National Enquirer" are really proud of themselves and what they do. They probably went to college and got degrees and everything. Nice use of that journalism education.

-Driving around today I saw a sign saying that a water ban was in effect and that people shouldn't be watering their lawn on odd-numbered days. I have to figure that's an old sign. No one would be dumb enough to put that up when roads are still closed because of flooding, right?