How Cold Is It?

There are phrases used in everyday life that we accept even though most of us have no idea what they mean. For example, last night when it was hovering around nine degrees, someone came in from outdoors and I heard them say that it was 'cold as a witch's tit' outside. Now, this was not the first time I have heard this phrase and it won't be the last. However, if you think about it (and obviously I did for the entire drive home) it makes no sense. I don't remember reading any stories as a child in which the witch was cold to the touch. I know they like to eat children and ride brooms, but nothing about their average core body temperature. Thanks to that business in Salem, there are no witches left to confirm or deny this claim and I think it is wrong of us to make assumptions about the lack of warmth of their chests.

However, if you do feel the need to come to some kind of plausible conclusion, you should consider the fact that every time you see a witch in a cartoon or children's story they are stirring a bubbling cauldron. Don't you think bringing a container that size to a boil is going to take a very large, hot fire? That would make me think the room (and everyone in it) would be actually quite warm. I get hot just straining out my spaghetti. Therefore, I am proposing a change: because everyone has seen The Wizard of Oz, we all know witches are not fans of water. As such the new phrase, which should be said whenever an area is in the midst of a drought, will be that something is 'dry as a witch's tit.' Makes just as much sense to me.

-Another phrase I am sick of hearing happens whenever two football teams known for being rivals play one another, as the Steelers and Ravens are this week. Throughout the week leading up to the game, media members have repeatedly been saying that there is "no love lost between these two teams." Well, obviously. You don't love anyone you have to ram yourself into at full speed over the course of three hours and you really won't like them if you have to do it twice a year. But, the real reason this phrase bothers me so much is that there is never love between any football teams. Teams might have mutual respect for one another, but you are never going to hear them talk about mutual love. I've always thought if you want to turn a negative into a phrase, then the opposite situation should at least exist in real life. So, until the first time two teams engage in a group hug before the game, I don't want anyone telling me how much love has been lost between two groups.