Weekend Sporties

-Hey, Matt Damon: I went to hundreds of Celtics games between the mid-90s and the early 2000s and I didn't see you once. Suddenly after a couple of NBA Finals appearances you are sitting courtside for a nationally televised Celtics/Lakers game? I know what you're doing and I don't like it. You and Affleck can go to as many Red Sox games as you want and I won't say a word, but don't think you can bandwagon your way in with Celtics fans just because you've made some of my favorite movies of the last decade. The Bourne series is only going to get you so far, buddy. When I see you at a Celtics-Grizzlies games in the middle of March we'll talk. Until then I've got my eye on you.

-So, I was on board with the NHL doing an All-Star fantasy draft, right up until the moment I found out that the last guy picked gets a car. You know, it was funny to think about a millionaire having to sit there and sweat out being the last player picked like the fat kid in gym class, but giving him a prize takes all the fun out of it - the fat kid never got a car at the end of class. It's not like they even need it - I'm sure Phil Kessel could afford to buy himself a new car if the mood struck. But, God forbid we make people feel unsure about themselves for even a second. This is what is wrong with sports today - even the professionals aren't immune from the "Everyone gets a trophy" mentality.

-The NFL also held their All-Star game this weekend with the Pro Bowl. Now, even though this game has never been known for big hitting, this year seemed to be especially void of any attempts at defense and was universally regarded as an affront to the sport. No one who watched it seemed very happy, yet the game got its highest ratings since 1997. If you want to know why there is not going to be a lockout and why the players will eventually agree to an 18-game season, that is your answer. Things are going too well and the owners are making too much money to kill the Golden Goose. They might miss a couple weeks of offseason training, but I fully expect a deal to be done by the time training camps are scheduled to open.

-I was disappointed to learn that former Celtic coach Jim O'Brien was fired by the Pacers over the weekend. Not because he was a very good coach (the Pacers stink this year), but because Jim seems like a nice guy. I remember meeting him at a Celtic fan event in 2002 and talking for a few minutes before he agreed to take a quick picture. But, before my sister snapped the picture O'Brien looked at my hands, which were full of beers (it was open bar and at the age of 22 I was taking advantage) and said, "You have to hide those. Your mom is going to see this picture." It was that kind of attention to detail that made me believe the Celtics were in good hands.

-Because I am such a golf geek, I was interested to see the ratings for this weekend's golf tournament. I was mildly surprised to learn that they were up 54% from last year. Now, the realist in me understands that the improvement is most likely because of the facts that Tiger Woods was hanging around (he's always good for a bump in ratings), Phil Mickelson was in contention and most of the country was trapped in their homes by cold weather so more people were in front of their TVs than last year. However, the optimist in me hopes that it is because people will start to realise that golf is made up of more than Tiger, Phil and 100 nobodies. The problem for the PGA is that the realist has the much more sound argument.

Protest Music

The biggest International news story this week has been the protest and demonstrations throughout Egypt. Now, I would never pretend to know enough about Egyptian politics to offer an educated opinion on the matter, but I just know whenever I see people protesting I feel they need a good protesting song. This is as good as you are going to find.

[Sidebar: Also, as you're watching this video, remember that this was one of the songs Tipper Gore and her Parents Music Resource Center used as proof that albums needed to start putting warning labels on them, because she thought the lyrics were too violent. Ah, the 80s were such a simple time. The stuff on the radio today must make her head explode.]

Probably The Only One Who Cares

For the most part, I love the Internet. Before the world wide web most stupid arguments were never settled - people would stubbornly hold their positions until the other person either relented or left. It was simply a battle of wills and who was actually in the right was never a factor. But now people can pull out a phone, hit a few keys and tell you exactly which player won the Cy Young in 1993 without breaking a sweat. It has saved the world from countless drunken bar fights. However, what I don't like about the Internet is the new fad of allowing people to vote on just about every issue by clicking a few buttons, because I do not feel enough people think things through before they vote. The vast majority of people just hit a button and press send without carefully weighing all the factors. Now, before I go any further, I will acknowledge that I take all voting seriously and that is my issue. But I believe if you are going to have an opinion on something it should be an actual opinion you took the time to think through and not some kind of snap judgement you arrived at in two seconds.

The reason this has come up is that all afternoon Comedy Central has been airing the results of it's online "Stand-Up Showdown", which is supposed to count down the Top 20 comedians and the results are just irking me. As the specials count down, it is becoming clear that voters have not taken into account which comedians are actually funny and instead are just going along with who is the most active on Facebook. Admittedly, I watch a lot of stand-up specials and I feel rather informed on this issue and I don't feel rather informed very often, so I'm probably taking this more seriously than I should. I'm also willing to concede that these results probably bother me more than they will actual comedians. The thing is that while 98% of the population will never give these results a second thought, the 2% who will are producers and executives who will then end up giving unfunny people television deals based on their ability to get people to vote for them and not whether or not they actually make people laugh. People, this is how we end up with shows like Michael & Michael Have Issues. Think about that next time you assume your Internet vote doesn't matter.

-The new thing in sports broadcasting appears to be these subscription channels that bounce between every game going on without pausing for commercials. The latest one to pop up on my television guide is ESPN's Buzzer Beater, which covers college basketball. Now, I like it in theory, but I feel like someone needs to assume control over which games get shown. Sometimes it feels as though they are trying a little too hard to cover every game. This isn't like college football with only 120 D-1 schools - a lot more schools are playing major-level college basketball. They're not all worthy of a look-in, is all I'm trying to say. I'm sure that the alumni of these smaller schools want to know what is going on at their Alma Mater, but that doesn't mean the rest of us want you to cut away from the two Top-25 teams playing each other to make that dream come true. If they haven't made the Sweet Sixteen this decade and they aren't in danger of doing it again this year than perhaps we can keep them out of the rotation.

Friday Sporties

-So, Yao Ming was once again elected to start for the Western Conference All-Stars, despite being injured for almost the entire season. Look, at this point I'm done complaining about how fans shouldn't be allowed to vote for All-Star starters, because I have realised my pleas are falling on deaf ears. How about instead I complain about the people in charge of making the actual ballots. Honestly, why was he even allowed to remain an option? And don't give me this line about All-Star ballots being printed months ago. I've seen the ballots: they would take about ten minutes to design with even the most basic of software and considering the NBA is a pretty big client, I'm sure whatever company prints the ballots would bump the NBA to the front of the production line no matter what day they show up. You could have done them later in the year, at which point Yao was already hurt. Leaving him on the ballot is like handing a child scissors and being surprised when they cut themselves.

-Speaking of All-Star games, the NHL's All-Star draft is tonight, in which two captains will pick teams regardless of conference affiliation. I'm very excited to see this, mostly to see who ends up being the last guy picked. I mean, not excited enough to figure out if I have the NHL channel, but I'll at least try and find results online. For a guy who only pays attention to hockey during the playoffs, that is saying something.

-There are reports that Albert Pujols wants a new ten-year contract in the neighborhood of $300 million. First off, that's a very nice neighborhood. And while the Cardinals are going to say they can't afford that kind of salary, for the best player in the game I think you find a way. However, if they can't work it out, the only way you can sell your fans on letting him walk is by pointing out Pujols would be 41 at the end of that deal because I doubt he'll be worth that kind of money by that time. Just ask the Yankees - their deal with Alex Rodriguez looks terrible already and he has about 7 years left. If I'm the Cardinals, I would see if he would take fewer years for more annual salary. It's better to let a guy walk a couple years early than to be paying him two years too late.

-After 17 seasons, Jeff Fisher abruptly left the Tennessee Titans yesterday. I'm not totally surprised that he's leaving, I simply would have thought that if they wanted to part ways, Fisher would have been forced out earlier in the off-season. This is kind of late to fire a coach. I can only assume that this means it was a late-surfacing issue, which means unless the next guy hired specifically wants him, Vince Young is still out as soon as he can be released. Happiest people about this? The Indianapolis Colts. With these moves the Titans officially start to rebuild while the Jaguars and Texans keep on chugging in mediocrity. You can pretty much start planning for another division banner right now.

-And, not that I want to dump on a guy who was just fired/quit, but for the last 24 hours everyone has been talking about how great a coach Jeff Fisher is. Yeah, he was there for 17 years and took them to the Super Bowl, but he only had six winning seasons. That's like a 36% winning average. Now, that will make you a Hall of Fame hitter in baseball, but that doesn't sound very impressive for a coach. We need to stop talking about longevity as though it is a sign of success. Just because you've been around a long time, doesn't mean you are an all-time great. It could just be a sign that the owner likes you and doesn't feel like paying the money to bring in all new people.

Dear Mother Nature...

An Open Letter To Mother Nature...

Dear Mother Nature,

Alright, that's enough.

Look, everyone in Massachusetts gets it: you are capable of causing havoc whenever you feel the urge. You win, we yield. I understand, as a life-long resident of New England, during the winter season snow is common and expected. That is why I did not complain when you hit us with that first blizzard. Also, I understand that last year we got off pretty light compared to some other areas, which is why I didn't complain about the second one. Or the third one. But now you're just pushing it. At least before the snow was light. But this morning it was over a foot of heavy, shovel-snapping snow. (And keep in mind that this is coming from someone who actually likes snow. I think it's very pretty to look at and shovelling it gives me a great workout. Coming in with a shirt so soaked-through that the gray has turned black is actually very satisfy, endorphin-wise.) The thing is, we all have a breaking point and I've reached mine.

This is officially ridiculous. It's not just the amount of snow that has broken me. It's how often it has been snowing and it's the snow on top of snow on top of snow. I just need a break. Every time I turn on the weather report I see those telltale little flake graphics on one of the days of the week. You're covering us with fresh powder every week and you're doing it in foot and a half increments. And when you aren't burying us under fresh snow you're keeping the average temperature hovering in the mid-20s, which means there is no melting and we can't even get rid of the last pile.

It's that last part which has been particularly distressing. At some point there is just no place left to put any more snow. The piles get so high that it actually becomes impossible to get snow over them, which means people stop trying and instead make the piles wider, which in turn makes the space between piles decrease with every new flake. It's a claustrophobic person's nightmare. Most two-lane roads in my town are down to being only wide enough for one car to get through at a time. I can only imagine what the narrow streets of the North End look like right about now, but I would guess they're nothing more than bike paths at this point.

Look, I know we've still got a couple more months of this and I'm not asking you to skip the rest of winter. All I'm asking is for a couple of (relatively) warm, sunny days. Just let me get my driveway down to bare pavement and take a break from clearing off my truck day after day. It would give me some hope that I might actually be able to play a round of golf before July and hope will help get me through the next couple of months. (Even though, with the rate that schools have been blowing through their snow days, the courses should still be empty in July because the kids will still be in school.) Oh, but don't make it too hot, cause I really don't like extreme heat either. Thanks.

Sincerely,
-Tom

Nothing On TV

Most days I find I need some kind of background noise as I type away in solitude. If I'm really into what I am writing I can work in silence, but the majority of the time I need something to keep my ears and brain perked up. It helps me focus when I have to concentrate on what is in front of me versus the noise behind me. Podcasts are great to fill the silence, but a majority of those are not uploaded until after noon, which means I have time to kill in the morning. Usually I can simply put my iPod on shuffle, but I haven't bought much new music in the past few weeks, so that relationship has gone stale. This leaves me with TV. And while I enjoy shows like SportsCenter, I can only see Pacers/Grizzlies highlights so many times. After that I have to start searching for something else, which is where my problems arises.

Mid-morning television is a wasteland of reruns from various CSIs, Law & Orders and other crime dramas. This wouldn't bother me if I hadn't seen them all three times already. This got me to thinking about shows that I miss watching in reruns. Some of the best shows on TV used to be available on other channels for a while, but then they disappeared without a warning, almost as though they were re-cancelled. I get that you can't air television shows forever, because after a while the dialect becomes dated and the show seems like it aired just after television was invented (Seinfeld appears to be the only exception to this rule). I just feel like some shows are yanked out of syndication before their time is up.

I am always interested to see what shows seem to live on forever in reruns, while others get some play, but then disappear. For example, every day I flip passed old episodes of Just Shoot Me. Now, I don't know anyone who watched this show when it was airing on its original run and yet, nearly a decade after being cancelled, it is continually on my television guide. Meanwhile, superior (at least in my opinion) shows might be shown once or twice before they disappear forever. One show that this happened to was News Radio, which makes me sad. I used to love this show. And there used to be a time when you could catch a couple of episodes a day on a random channel, but those days are no more. Instead I have to wade through old episodes of shows like Las Vegas which, trust me, are not aging like a fine wine. I understand that some shows manage to find new audiences once they get to reruns, but if you barely had any viewers the first time around, I need you to accept reality and get off my TV. There has got to be something better for me to half-watch instead.

Skipping Ahead

Apparently, we're in for another round of snow Wednesday night which is going to give us somewhere between 6 and 46 inches. Whatever. Totals like that don't even phase me anymore. Let me explain why: normally at this point of the season the Boston area has received 16 inches of snow. This winter has already hit us with over 50 inches. You can see why I've become numb. Honestly, in times like this I don't even have the energy to complain about it. Hell, I barely have the energy to shovel it. I've written before about how at some point the snow gets to us and most Massachusetts residents reach a level of self-negotiating that is normally reserved for alcoholics:

"Ok, I can handle one or two inches without shovelling, no problem. How much snow is it? Five inches? You know what, I bet I can drive over that. It's supposed to be warm later in the week, that'll take care of melting most of it, right? It'll be gone before you know it. But, anything over six inches and I have to get out there... Well, maybe I can still drive over six inches. I do have an SUV. Eight, that's the number. Anything more than eight inches and I'll shovel..."

The thing is, because we are so beaten down by the snow, the local meteorologists don't even feel like reporting on anything less than a blizzard, which annoys me. Last night the entire weather report was about how much snow we're expect to get on Wednesday and didn't mention a thing about Tuesday. Well, I woke up this morning to two more inches of snow in the driveway. Now, I understand that when we're getting snow in foot and a half chunks every other week, reporting on some flurries seems like a talking about someone spilling a drink on the deck of the Titanic. However, that doesn't mean I don't want to know about it. Seriously, you can't leave this stuff out. You guys pretty much get the summer off, so don't think you can gloss over small totals. I'd rather know it's coming than be surprised first thing in the morning.

-There was a story earlier today about a big football booster at UConn who has donated over $3 million to the program and would now like it back because the University didn't hire the football coach he wanted. It was an interesting (in a how-sausage-is-made kind of way) article on just how much influence some boosters expect to have in exchange for building a new weight room. While I don't think he will or should get his money back (donating money doesn't make you athletic director), it does shine a light on the state of UConn football. I mean, $3 million wouldn't make you among the top-ten boosters for the University of Texas and this guy thinks that kind of money should allow him to essentially run the entire operation. Suddenly I can understand why Randy Edsall left for Maryland.

AFC/NFC Championship Ramblings

-I don't think there is anything ESPN loves more than an issue they can run into the ground by having all 10,000 of the former players on their staff come on television to give their opinion about it. So, they must have been ecstatic yesterday when Bears quarterback Jay Cutler (who is already known around the league as kind of a prick) left the NFC Championship game despite not appearing to suffer a serious injury. The past 24 hours have been filled with former players and coaches coming out and questioning Cutler's heart, toughness and desire by saying that when a trip to the Super Bowl is on the line it doesn't matter what the injury is, you should play through the pain. Now, I disagree with most of them because I don't believe you can become an NFL quarterback unless you love football and work really hard to get there, but I do have one thing to add (and it actually pains me to say this): Brett Favre doesn't come out of that game. If you want to know why teammates got on a jet and flew to Mississippi before the season started to haul him out of retirement one last time, that's the reason. I don't think Cutler will ever get the same treatment.

-During the game the Bears were tight-lipped about what the problem was and it wasn't until late this afternoon that they revealed Cutler had actually suffered a sprained MCL. While I don't think the Bears did him any favors by waiting to release this information, I feel like the main culprit in this becoming a mini-scandal was the broadcast team for FOX. Normally, I find sideline reporters to be a fairly useless bunch, but if there was ever a time one could have come in handy, it was right there. I didn't hear a peep about the training staff working on Cutler or anything. I mean, if you're not going to give us information like this, what are you even doing there? But, no, please, give us another cliche-filled interview from the coaches about halftime adjustments.

-I clearly missed the memo about the re-design of the AFC and NFC Championship trophies, so forgive me if I'm late to the party, but who thought the new design looked good? It went from a very simple wood-based trophy to a silver outline of a football. I'm all for updating a look, but whoever was in charge of that either needs to be fired or go back to the drawing board, because my first thought was that they ran out of time before finishing.

-The thing I enjoyed most about the AFC Championship was afterwards when Mark Sanchez, in his best "I'm not one to make excuses, but hold on while I make an excuse", said the Jets had communication problems all game, specifically during the drive in which the Jets were stuffed three times at the goal line and came away with no points. I'm sure not being able to hear his offensive coordinator was not helpful to the cause, but that really has nothing to do with an offensive line not being able to gain one yard in a playoff game. But, don't worry Mark, I'm sure being the next Donovan McNabb will suit you well.

-So, my first thoughts about Packers/Steelers have the Packers with a slight advantage. The Steelers have been holding their offensive line together with glue and now it looks like they will be without their starting center, who was the only guy to make it through the entire season at his position. I think the Green Bay defense will be able to get to Roethlisberger and their secondary will make a couple plays on his hurried throws. Also, I think Green Bay's offense is built for a dome and I'm not sure Pittsburgh will be able to keep up on the fast Dallas track. I'm not expecting a blow-out by any means, but unless something changes in the next two weeks, I'll take Packers in a close game.

I Don't Know Where It Came From

Have you ever had a song pop into your head while you are doing something completely unrelated? Well, it happened to me this week while I was clearing the driveway after another snowstorm. Dire Straits' "Sultans of Swing" popped into my head and has been stuck there ever since. What is even weirder is that this song always makes me think of baseball, which is not normally something I think about while shovelling. Plus, pitchers and catchers don't even report for another three weeks or so. Anyway, I'm hoping putting it up here will get it out of my head. Fingers crossed.

Which One Is This?

I'm finding that as people in Hollywood continue to recycle ideas, they have also begun to recycle movie titles. While that is understandable if it is for a remake of an older films, such as Star Trek, it can get confusing when the two films have no connection whatsoever. This can specifically become an issue if you are just flipping around, see a movie with a title you are familiar with and enjoy and, assuming that is the only one, you do not bother to double-check the guide. You go in expecting one movie and come out with another one entirely. For example, did you know there are two movies named Black Sheep? One is comedy starring Chris Farley and while it isn't his best work, it will do if there is nothing else on. The other is an extremely low-budget horror film about killer sheep on the loose that looks like it was written and filmed in about four days and for $100. In other words, one of them is fine to land on, while the other sucks. Guess which one was on TV multiple times this week?

The reason this annoys me is because it is just so incredibly lazy. Don't these people have access to the Internet and IMDB? How long would it take to double-check if the title you had in mind was already used? There are hundreds of thousands of words in the English language, I'm sure it wouldn't take more than twenty minutes coming up with a different set of words to use for a movie title that would be equally clever. (Obviously, in the case of the horror Black Sheep, that time was invaluable, because they only had twenty minutes to build the entire set and write the ending of the script, but I'm talking about the other times there have been movies with recycled titles.) So, here is the offer I'm willing to make the screenwriters of America: let me worry about your movie's title. Just email me a short synopsis of your film and, for a small fee, I'll write back with three or four title suggestions. Don't worry, I'll do my research and they will be completely original. Anything to prevent me from getting excited over the prospect of watching Denzel Washington's Man on Fire, only to discover it is the one from the mid-1980s.

-I feel like I watch certain television shows with the wrong frame of mind. For example, this afternoon I watched a couple episodes of How It's Made. For those of you who have never seen this program, it shows, step-by-step, how everyday items are put together either by hand or machine. Well, after watching a woman spend hours of her life weaving a hammock together, only to tie it off with one knot at the end, my first thought was not to appreciate her craftsmanship, but to realise that the entire project could be undone by simply cutting that one knot open. I highly doubt that is the purpose of the show.

This Is Getting Ridiculous

Imagine you're driving down the street when you come to a red light. Needing to take a right turn and not seeing a "No Turn On Red" sign, you turn and continue down the street. A few hours later, safely in your home, you get a phone call from the local police that some anonymous person saw you take the turn and, even though you didn't see it, there actually was a "No Turn" sign at the intersection. Because of that you will be mailed a ticket. That would be crazy, right? Well, that sort of thing has already happened not once, but twice on the the PGA Tour this year.

A couple weeks back Camilo Villegas was playing in Hawaii and hit a particularly poor shot that came up short of the green. The ball began rolling back towards him and, in a moment of frustration, Villegas swung at the chunk of divot he had created. This is a no-no. (It should be noted that the ball did not appear to go through where the divot would have been, but it is still a rules violation anyway.) Unaware of his penalty, Villegas finished his round and signed his scorecard. A couple hours later a former golf reporter sitting in a clubhouse in Florida got a hold of a rules official to let him know about Camilo's faux pas and told them to check the tape. After watching the tape the official decided that it should have been a two-stroke penalty and since it wasn't scored that way on his card, Villegas had signed an incorrect scorecard and thus was disqualified from the tournament.

Fast forward to this morning, when Padraig Harrington was playing in Dubai. While picking up his marker after replacing his golf ball on the green, Harrington brushed against the ball. It rolled forward, but appeared to roll back to its original place. Since it appeared to be in the right spot, Harrington played the ball as it was. However, someone watching at home noticed that the ball had not actually rolled all the way back, probably coming one or two dimples short. (Get your hands on a golf ball sometime and check out how small a dimple is. You want to talk about nit-picking.) Again, had it been caught by a rules official in the moment this would just have warranted a penalty and Harrington could have played the next couple of rounds. But, since it wasn't caught until hours later, his scorecard had already been turned in and Harrington was also disqualified.

Now, I'm not complaining about people calling in rules violations, even if I do think these are the same people who used to remind teachers when they hadn't yet handed out that night's homework assignment. Unlike most sports which have refs watching everyone and it's their job, not the players, to let people know when rules are being broken, golf is the only sport in which you are expected to call violations on yourself. It doesn't matter that there are 12,000 rules in golf and half of them are obscure - it is on you to call it. I'm also not going to take this time to complain about the unfairness of the way that this only seems to punish the most popular players, because they are on TV more... other than to say if this same thing happened with a guy no one had ever heard of he wouldn't be on TV and no one would have seen it.

Instead, my objection is with the idea of punishing people retroactively. If the PGA is happy to embrace this sort of 'interactive TV' with fans being able to call in rules violations (and since this has happened twice in three weeks it is clear they are), then they either need to speed up the process of getting a rules official to the replay tent or change the rule to let players be assessed the penalty, but not be disqualified. It is stupid to disqualify a player based on a rule from the 1800s. I'm sure the people who came up with the original rules of golf never envisioned how far technology and TV would bring the game. Also, these rules aren't written in stone. Just add a provision that should a rules violation be discovered after a round has been completed and no intent to cheat is suspected that the penalty is enforced prior to the next round beginning. Given how sponsor-centric professional golf is today, it would make sense to have adopt a rule which would allow guys who unknowingly commit a penalty to stick around for the weekend. You think people in Dubai are happy that one of the more popular players in the world today is missing three days of their tournament? Of course they aren't. And, ironically, I bet the people watching at home aren't all that happy about it, either.

Entertainment Quickies...

Yep, one of those days with lots of little thoughts, but nothing worthy of an entire blog post. It's cold, we're getting another half a foot of snow tomorrow and everyone around here has been defeated by winter. You can't blame me for fighting some writer's block...

-It was announced earlier this week that Regis Philbin will be stepping away from Regis & Kelly at some point over the summer. Almost immediately, people began to speculate over who would be stepping up to fill his shoes. Here's my question: why is this such a desirable gig? Does anyone out there watch this show? I personally don't know any people that do. It's not like this launched Kelly Ripa to super-stardom, so why is would people be so anxious to take his job? You have to get up really early, pretend to care what awful movie the celebrity of the day is selling and act as though you are really excited the entire time. I mean, I would do it, but I have little else to do with my mornings.

-It sounds like Anne Hathaway is going to be the new Catwoman. While this new Batman franchise appears to be much better than the previous installments, I have to wonder if this is a good idea. I mean, Halle Berry went from Oscar winner to irrelevant not long after making her version of Catwoman and Michelle Pfeiffer's career was never the same either. Hathaway was just starting to get out of the whole "awkward princess" type-casting. I know superhero movies are no longer seen as the career-killer they once were, but I don't know if you can ever be taken seriously again once you have been thrown around by wires while wearing tights.

-The new season of American Idol debuted last night and it sounds as if the overnight ratings were not good - down significantly from last year. (I didn't watch it, but I never watch it, so don't blame me.) Personally, I'm fine with this because I'm sick of this show and the fact that the local Fox affiliates have to consider what happens on it to be actual news. I held out and won my battles against shows like 24, Lost, and Heroes. Every time the ratings are bad I am one step closer to outlasting American Idol.

-I always have to scoff when I hear actors trying to sell their generic movie with the premise that their new film is nothing like all those previous generic movies, because they would never make that kind of film. For example, Natalie Portman has been going around saying how much she hates the stereotypical romantic comedies and thinks they are insulting to women. Yeah, I'm sure No Strings Attached, about two friends who start sleeping with one another while vowing not to fall in love, is just chocked full of new ideas that no one has ever seen before.

-So apparently Jessie James and Kat Von D have gotten engaged. You know what, I have a feeling those crazy kids just might make it...

Sporties

-Let me go on record as saying I hope Al Davis never hands over control of the Raiders to anyone else, because his press conferences are awesome. First off, he looks like the Crypt Keeper and secondly, he pretty much talks about whatever is on his mind at the moment, damn whatever questions people ask. Yesterday while introducing his new head coach, Hue Jackson, Davis took the opportunity to once again defend his decision to fire the last guy by repeatedly putting down the guy, who was not in attendance and therefore could not defend himself. That's gotta make the new guy feel good. I imagine it would be like going on a date where the other person spent the entire night bashing their ex, only add in people and cameras there to document the entire thing. At least Jackson has a window into what is going to happen to him in three years.

-Staying in that same vein, it can't be a good sign when, right after holding a press conference to announce the signing of a new reliever, the GM of the Yankees came out and said he was not in favor of the signing nor was he involved in the negotiations. Brian Cashman said it was nothing again the player they signed, Rafael Soriano, but simply that he didn't want to spend that kind of money on a set-up guy while clearly ownership disagreed. I'm sure this is not the first time Cashman's opinion has been ignored by someone with the last name Steinbrenner, but seeing as how this is the last year of his deal, Cashman might want to think about leasing, not buying.

-Staying in the New York area, after weeks of trying to convince Carmelo Anthony to accept a trade to the Nets, the team announced this afternoon they were done trying to bring him to New Jersey. I get why Anthony was not a fan of the deal: he wants to play for the Knicks and the Nets are not the Knicks (not even close). However, given that the Nets are owned by a Russian oil billionaire who may have made his money through some very shady dealings, perhaps it is not wise to turn down his offers. At the very least I certainly wouldn't agree to go fishing with him any time soon.

-This is one of those annoying times of year when ESPN tries to get us to pay attention to tennis, simply because they own the broadcast rights for the Australian Open. Yeah, I didn't care last year, I don't care this year and, I'll save you the trouble, I won't care next year. Please stop interrupting SportsCenter with updates. There is a reason we banished this tournament to the other side of the Earth.

-And, since we're talking about ESPN, they just announced a deal with the University of Texas to create a Longhorn-only channel for 20 years and a cost of $300 million. While it is not uncommon for a conference to have their own network, it is a first for a single university to have their own station. I fully expect this to be the start of a trend and before too long it is going to be the death of major conferences in college athletics - why share TV money with other schools when you can have it all for yourself? But, on the bright side, it should just about kill off the BCS. So... that'll be nice.

Oh, Ricky

The big buzz of today comes from the other night's Golden Globe awards, where apparently during the ceremony host Ricky Gervais was pretty pointed in some of his insults. Gervais took the time to point out a few of the stars' bigger flops and implied that some of them only got nominations after they bribed the correct people. Now, I wasn't watching it because award shows are not my thing, but I'm told there was lots of uncomfortable, forced laughter from people who were trying very hard not to look pissed off (and, for a room full of actors, failing miserably) and at one point Gervais was taken off of the telecast. It sounds as if no one was spared from Ricky's opinion and today showbiz people are up in arms that Gervais was so blunt. Ricky has already come out today and said that he doesn't expect to be asked back to host a third time, but that even if he were he wasn't planning on doing it anyway.

I guess my question to the people who organized the show is: what did you think was going to happen? Gervais has a history of not caring what people think and saying what is on his mind, and that is exactly what he did. Hell, he did the same thing last year when he made a joke about Mel Gibson and it turned out to be the only thing people remember from last year's ceremony. (Do you remember who won for Best Actor last year? I certainly don't.) I guess you can make fun of Mel Gibson all you want, but make a couple jokes about Bruce Willis or Johnny Depp and suddenly you're a monster. To me the fault lies not with Gervais, but the producers who made the decision to roll the dice with Gervais a second time when they should have known the buzz from last year's Gibson joke was only going to make him bolder. You can't hire a guy who made his mark by saying outrageous things and then be uptight because he said something outrageous. It really is the equivalent of bringing a wild animal home and then being shocked when it starts ripping up your furniture and isn't house-broken.

I also think the main reason I am taking Gervais's side is that I can't drum up a ton of sympathy for a room full of millionaires who are there to dress up in (free) expensive clothes, get drunk and be told how great they are by receiving awards that don't really mean anything. Gervais wasn't standing there ridiculing people who are trying to cure cancer or global warming. He was making fun of actors, who are probably among the least self-aware people on the planet, and I'm always in favor of people getting a little dose of reality, especially if it has been a while. I think it is healthy every now and again for successful people to be reminded that they could always stand to be a little more humble. Frankly, if this is how he treats people that he considers colleagues and hopes to work with, I want Gervais to be the one hosting the ESPYs next year. I would love to hear his thoughts on LeBron James and 'The Decision.'

More Playoff Ramblings

-In the normal stages of dealing with a loss in your life, there are said to be five step: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance. What I have discovered since watching the Patriots fall to the Jets last night is that in dealing with a sports loss, there are only four different steps: anger, more anger, bargaining and then acceptance. The anger mostly comes out during the game and in the few minutes after the final whistle. ("What the hell kind of call was that?!?") Then comes the bargaining. ("You know what? This probably for the better. I didn't want to host a Super Bowl party anyway. And, at least now my weekends are free again.") I'll let you know when I reach acceptance.

-I'll give the Jets all the credit: they talked a lot of crap, but at least they backed it up. They out-played the Patriots from start to finish and it was a great win by them. Can't say much more than that. The team I'm kind of sick of hearing from are the Baltimore Ravens. They talk an awful lot considering 98% of their roster has never won a single thing. They keep getting credit as a Super Bowl-winning defense, but that was over a decade ago and the majority of that crew has long since passed. Until this current group at least make it through to a Super Bowl they need to stop talking.

-While we're on the subject of people who have not earned the praise they have been getting: Atlanta's Matt Ryan needs to stop being referred to as 'Matty Ice' until he at least wins a playoff game. I know it is not really his fault, as that nickname has been largely pumped up by the media, but he could easily go to people and ask them to stop calling him that. However, he hasn't and as such he's earning all the ridicule today. Until he find another nickname (I recommend a simple 'Matt' until he wins), he's just going to have to keep reading variations on the "he melts in the playoffs" headlines that have been all over the place since Saturday night's loss.

-I can not, in good conscious, start rooting for either Pittsburgh or the Jets going forward. Therefore, I think what I'm actually going to do is focus on the NFC and just watch Bears/Packers. Since I don't have a horse in that race I figure I won't get too bothered by the outcome either way. Still, given that he led my team to a Fantasy Football Championship this year, I'll be pulling for Aaron Rodgers to win for real next month. Seems only fair, and I apologize to the fans of Green Bay in advance.

-The Packers/Falcons game was so out of hand Saturday night that I actually flipped around in the second half. At one point we landed on the Miss America pageant during the talent competition, pausing just in time to watch Miss Arkansas perform her skill: dueling, yodelling ventriloquist dummies. Yeah. Let that sink in. Not surprisingly, she did not win.

What's Your Sign?

So, for about one day this week, people freaked out and Twitter exploded with news that the Zodiac signs have changed. Apparently, over the last few years the earth's axis has tilted and because of this shift (which people never felt), our destinies are no longer what they used to be. Overnight I had gone from Aquarius to Capricorn. While I don't believe in horoscopes, this still annoyed me - mostly due to the lack of songs about Capricorns. Aquarius might not have a robust catalog of tunes, but at least there was one song I had heard of before. Now? I got nothing. Then again, it might not count because I was born before the Earth tilted or some other such nonsense. But, if this was my last week as an Aquarius, let's go out on a groovy tune.

How Cold Is It?

There are phrases used in everyday life that we accept even though most of us have no idea what they mean. For example, last night when it was hovering around nine degrees, someone came in from outdoors and I heard them say that it was 'cold as a witch's tit' outside. Now, this was not the first time I have heard this phrase and it won't be the last. However, if you think about it (and obviously I did for the entire drive home) it makes no sense. I don't remember reading any stories as a child in which the witch was cold to the touch. I know they like to eat children and ride brooms, but nothing about their average core body temperature. Thanks to that business in Salem, there are no witches left to confirm or deny this claim and I think it is wrong of us to make assumptions about the lack of warmth of their chests.

However, if you do feel the need to come to some kind of plausible conclusion, you should consider the fact that every time you see a witch in a cartoon or children's story they are stirring a bubbling cauldron. Don't you think bringing a container that size to a boil is going to take a very large, hot fire? That would make me think the room (and everyone in it) would be actually quite warm. I get hot just straining out my spaghetti. Therefore, I am proposing a change: because everyone has seen The Wizard of Oz, we all know witches are not fans of water. As such the new phrase, which should be said whenever an area is in the midst of a drought, will be that something is 'dry as a witch's tit.' Makes just as much sense to me.

-Another phrase I am sick of hearing happens whenever two football teams known for being rivals play one another, as the Steelers and Ravens are this week. Throughout the week leading up to the game, media members have repeatedly been saying that there is "no love lost between these two teams." Well, obviously. You don't love anyone you have to ram yourself into at full speed over the course of three hours and you really won't like them if you have to do it twice a year. But, the real reason this phrase bothers me so much is that there is never love between any football teams. Teams might have mutual respect for one another, but you are never going to hear them talk about mutual love. I've always thought if you want to turn a negative into a phrase, then the opposite situation should at least exist in real life. So, until the first time two teams engage in a group hug before the game, I don't want anyone telling me how much love has been lost between two groups.

Seemed Important At The Time

This morning I realised that it's probably better I don't have a time machine. It is good that I am comfortable with this revelation, because it is very unlikely I will ever have access to one and I would be best served by coming to grips with that reality now. Not that it was ever likely. Frankly, I'm not sure where to begin if I were to construct one and oh yeah, I'm not a scientist nor have I done any research into time-travel. I can't even use one of my friends' time machines. To the best of my knowledge, none of them (another hurdle is that there is not even a scientist among that group) are close to making one either. Furthering the proof I will never have a time machine is the fact that if I had invented it or somehow gained access to one, I'm pretty sure I would have shown up and given it to the past version of myself at some point during the previous couple of years.

You may be wondering why I only figured this out this morning. Well, it has to do with the price of gasoline. There is a gas station near my house that always has the lowest price on gas. Always - never fails. Not only do they have the lowest prices, but they will take an additional few cents off if you are willing to pay cash for your fuel. (Apparently they have to pay a small fee for every credit card transaction and would rather pass the saving from a cash transaction on to us.) Well, this morning I needed gas and didn't have any cash on me, but I still went to the always-cheap station, where I paid $3.09 for a gallon of gas. After fueling up I went on down the road, and almost immediately I passed a second gas station, where the sign out front said gas was $3.04 a gallon. Son of a... Apparently the 'always cheap' station has decided that they don't want to be too cheap and no longer feels the need to be the lowest priced station around for people paying with their credit or debit cards. Had I been able to pay cash I would been under the second station, but as I paid with a card I lost out on five cents in savings. Driving passed the station I couldn't help but think, "Oh, if only I could go back in time ten minutes to give myself a heads up."

And that was the moment I figured out a time machine would be wasted in my hands. Because that is the kind of stupid things I would do: bend the laws of space, time and physics to travel back in time and save myself thirty cents. I wouldn't go back and save lives or stop wars. [Sidebar: Louis C.K. does a very funny bit about why people shouldn't assume that just because they are from the future they would suddenly be able to stop wars. Look it up if you have the time.] Instead, I would constantly go back and warn myself to not do things like having a tuna fish sub on my way to my cousin's wedding (which I then missed due to food poisoning) or to avoid watching last year's Game 7, as the ending was too painful. (Maybe, eventually, I'd get to stopping the wars. But I'd have to finish my own list first.) So, it appears my missteps are permanent. Either that, or future me is waiting until I am in serious need of his help - like paying 10 cents too much for a gallon of gas.

More Snow Ramblings

When a storm of this size hits, it's not just the snow that you have to deal with - it's also all the clean-up the next day. Let's get to some more snow thoughts:

-Yesterday we ended up shovelling too early, another band of snow came through and this morning we were left with the oh-so-annoying total of two and a half inches of fresh powder on the driveway. I decided to just do 98% of it without the assistance of the snowblower (the other 2% being the end of the driveway which had been plowed under). Anyway, when I was starting the snowblower after an hour of shoveling, I had to pause for a moment after I thought I saw smoke coming from one of my gloves. I had a half-second panic attack, worried I had held my hand too close to the exhaust or something along those lines and the glove had caught fire. Turns out that what I really saw was steam coming out of the top of my glove because my body was giving off so much heat. You know, as much as I love my heavy-duty Patriots coat, moments like that make me wonder if it is a little too heavy-duty.

-Here's a free tip for you: if offered, turn down a doctor's first appointment of the day during the winter months. If by chance there is a major winter storm the day before, it could end up that you are at the office well before the doctor. And really, do you want to be the first person that doctor sees after sitting in their car for an hour on a commute that should only take twenty minutes? He's already going to be sticking instruments way too far up your nose, the last thing you want is for him to be agitated when he does.

-Not that I should have to point this out to you guys, but I am not a civil engineer. With that disclaimer out of the way, I assume that one of the first things considered by those engineers when designing things like traffic lights is that they be resistant to all forms of weather. Well, I am here to remind them this type of weather-proofing should include the wet snow that will stick to just about any surface. I only mention this because it appears the ones around here failed that criteria. I came to a stop light this morning that was clearly down-wind and as such a path for blowing snow. Every single light facing my direction was blocked by snow. I had no idea who had the green light. I ended up sitting there for a minute before a car finally came from the opposite direction. When they stopped I could safely assume it was because they had the red and I was alright to proceed. You would think that a snow test would have already been tried.

-One of my favorite day-after blizzard sights are the cars rocking what I like to call a 'snow-hawk'. This is the line of snow that runs down the center of a vehicle's roof, in a clear sign that the owner of the car tried to clear off their roof, but could not reach this part from either side of the car. I find them funny, because they are clear indicators of just how tall the person driving that particular vehicle is in comparison to their car. For example, snow-hawks are very common on SUVs driven by soccer moms. However, this morning I was taken back when I saw a snow-hawk on top of a Mini-Cooper. If you can't reach the center of a Mini-Cooper's roof, I have to wonder how you reach the pedals.

Blizzard Ramblings

-For the second time is as many weeks, this region was hit with over a foot of snow. Now, you would expect me to complain about it, but I'm not really going to because I am very aware of two things: 1. It is winter and 2. I live in New England. Therefore, I can't be shocked. And, actually, this isn't the snow that bothers me. When there is this much snowfall there is actually a banding together of groups with the understanding that we are all in this together. People are usually pretty understanding when you tell them you are going to be severely delayed. No, the snow that drives me crazy is when there is only two or three inches on the ground, because that is when you have to ask yourself whether shovelling is even worth it. However, there is simply no driving over this much snow, especially not when the plows have constructed a four-foot wall of it at the end of the driveway.

-I did have one winter miscalculation: a couple weeks back my father wanted to bring in all the Christmas lights. I was not in the mood to get up on a ladder that particular weekend and told him we would do it later. Well, since that weekend we have had two storms that have buried the bushes and lights under a combined 30 inches of heavy, wet snow. Hopefully I'll be more open to bringing the lights in around April, because that will most likely be my next chance.

-We have one channel on our cable provider that is nothing but the local Doppler radar. There are no weathermen to tell you what you are looking at, just a straight look at the radar and the chance to listen to some smooth jazz. This is actually one of my favorite channels, because sometimes that is all I want to see. However, because the channel is clearly automated, sometimes it doesn't make those necessary human leaps of deduction. For example, right now Logan airport is shut down - no planes are getting in or out. Technically, since everything is cancelled there are no planes leaving behind schedule and the channel reports no delays leaving the airport. It is moments like this I no longer fear a Terminator-like rise of the machines.

-Speaking of the airport, they are making a big deal of telling everyone that Logan Airport is open, even though no flights are coming or going. That, to me, sounds an awful lot like a place that is closed. If you went by a store and people could go in, but no one was allowed to buy anything (which is the only reason the store exists in the first place), wouldn't you just say the store was closed? I mean, you can go into Logan if you wish, but I wouldn't recommend it unless you have an affinity for paying $5 for a bottle of soda.

-It was actually the strong winds that woke me up this morning. At that moment they were blowing the snow to near white-out conditions - I couldn't even see the end of the driveway. I then turned on my computer and went to my email, only to find several websites had sent me emails about the latest warm-weather golf trips on sale. One of them specifically pointed out that it was in the 70s in Arizona yesterday afternoon. While I'm not going to be booking a trip anytime soon, I did want to take a moment to salute them for the smart marketing techniques.

Yeah, What He Said...

So, I was debating whether or not I wanted to write about the Tucson shootings that happened over the weekend. I was conflicted because it's such a heavy subject and I like to keep this blog light. Plus, politics are not really my thing. The Boston Celtics, the Patriots, golf, music, complaining about other drivers: these are my things. Still, I thought I should just weigh in on the story because it is so big. But then, flipping over from last night's BCS Championship game in time to watch the opening segment of The Daily Show, I discovered that Jon Stewart pretty much said it for me. So, watch this clip and then imagine me adding, "Yeah!" on the end.

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Playoff Ramblings

-I understand that Rex Ryan has almost become a parody of himself at this point and feels the need to say at least one outrageous thing every press conference, but this afternoon he said the coaching match-up between him and Bill Belichick this Sunday will, "be personal." Dude, that's what you said last week about your match-up against Peyton Manning. Every game can't be personal, you know? At some point you're going to need a second adjective. Also, you've only been in the Patriots' division for two years, how much bad blood could have built up in that time? I get that Ryan is trying to deflect attention from his team and saying that if the Jets lose in Foxboro it will be his fault, but considering absolutely no one actually believes that it comes across as a transparent gesture.

-I'm all for homerism in sports, even among the team's broadcasters. When you spend that much time around the players and organization, you are bound to build up relationships. Not to mention, the team usually has final say over who calls their games on the local broadcast, so it is a smart career move to favor the team that is paying you on a broadcast. That being said, I heard the call of the Colts final play in which their local broadcaster was openly calling for either a bad snap or a blocked kick on the field goal attempt. With so much at stake, it came across as desperate. Buddy, you need to at least blame the refs or something. Even Tommy Heinsohn will acknowledge when the other team has outworked or outplayed the Celtics and that guy never will never be accused of being impartial. At some point homerism needs to take a backseat to dignity.

-The big feel-good story last week was that of Ted Williams, a homeless Ohio man with an unbelievable voice who became an Internet sensation and has since been offered lots of voice-over work and a chance to get back on his feet. Well, let me just say that before he does anything else he need to be brought to NFL film's studios to narrate Marshawn Lynch's game-clinching run from this weekend. That was awesome to see live. The only thing missing to make that a transcendent moment is some dramatic music and a kick-ass voice doing the narration.

-So, in advance of tonight's National Championship game, I'm picking the Auburn Tigers to win. I was going to go with the Oregon Ducks and the theory that they have the defensive speed to contain Cam Newton, but then it was pointed out that Oregon has only beaten three ranked teams all season (and USC should never had made the Top 25), while Auburn has beaten five (granted they beat South Carolina twice). I just think they are more ready having come out of the SEC. Pedigree alone has me thinking Auburn is going to hoist the trophy... for at least three years until the full Cam Newton story comes to light and they are forced to vacate their wins.

We've Come A Long Way

Earlier this week I wrote about the issues I was having finding a new wall calendar for 2011. As of right now that hunt is not over, which is what made me go looking for a copy of this song on YouTube. I expected to just find some homemade, slide-slow version as I often do. Instead I found what appears to be the official video from the early 1960s. It is awesome for both its awkwardness and its simplicity. Before finding this, I wasn't sure about using this song as this week's musical interlude. However, now I am sure it was the right call if for no other reason than reminding us just how far music videos have come in the last 50 years. No wonder MTV wasn't started until the 1980s.

Thought It Would Work

At some point in the middle of last night it ended up snowing around here. It wasn't much - no more than two or three inches and it was the light, fluffy kind that falls when it is really cold out. At first I wasn't even going to shovel it away (while my neighbor brought out his increasingly-annoying snow blower first thing in the morning), but apparently we are getting another round of snow tonight and new snow on top of old snow is just a bad deal. That is when it gets really slippery. Anyway, because it was so little snow I wanted to try something different in an attempt to get out of shovelling. (Something about having to shovel when there are less than four inches of snow drives me crazy. I'd rather it be a foot.) I always saw the guys at the stadium break out with the leaf blowers when it was this kind of light snow and thought I would give it a try. I mean, if I could just stand around while swinging my hand back and forth to clear the driveway it would make things so much easier. I had planned to try this earlier and I figured that between the amount and kind of snow, if it was ever going to work, this was it.

Alas, it was not meant to be. While I was able to move the snow with the leaf blower, it was just going to take way too long. There was just enough snow that it would require swiping over the same spot several times and making the entire process take way too much time. Also, in a couple locations I have to move the snow several feet and if it was taking this long to do one spot with three inches of snow I can't imagine how long it would have taken to move once the snow started piling up. For those of you that are looking to try using a leaf blower to get rid of their snow, I'm here to tell you that it will only work on less than two inches of snow. Any more than that and it will be too much for the blower to clear easily unless you're using an extremely high-powered model.

So, while this method didn't work, I am not giving up experimenting for a better system for clearing a small amount of snow from the driveway (there is only one way to clear a lot of snow and I already know that one). What I am looking for is something that will make clearing the snow off of my driveway easier, but also faster. I'd rather shovel hard for fifteen minutes than stand in the cold for thirty - I don't care how physically easy the thirty minute technique is. Something tells me that I'm going to have a few more chances to work on this before winter is over.

Watch Where You Stand

I'm getting down to the last few holdouts in my quest to replace all my VHS videos with DVD copies. All I have left are the movies I was in no rush to replace and a few harder-to-find films, while the rest are old Celtic or Patriot games I'm going to have to copy over with a DVD burner. Now, among these harder-to-find movies is an old Steven Wright comedy special I recorded off of HBO when I was like 10. I was originally planning to burn it over to DVD myself, but the tape quality has really gotten worn out over the years and I'm not sure how good it would look if I did manage to switch it over. I was concerned about being able to finding the special on a DVD until I discovered Newbury Comics (which has really been helpful in this quest because of their huge used DVD selection) has a section of comedy special DVDs, separate from the rest of the regular-length comedy movies. Armed with a gift card I received for Christmas, I went down and wandered around until I found myself standing in front of the comedy shelves, at which point I started to look through them alphabetically and pause to take out a couple that caught my eye. (They might not have been the one I came looking for, but that doesn't mean I wasn't still interested.)

After the third shelf of comedy DVDs, I continue my browsing to the fourth shelf, at which point I notice a dramatic shift in content. Apparently, right after the comedy DVDs on the same rack come the adult movies. It is at this point I realise that not only am I standing in front of the porn shelves, but I've been standing there for a few minutes. This looks bad. Even worse, I appear like the kind of person who has no problems buying porn DVDs from an otherwise normal store, someone who is very selective about their porn, and who also has no qualms about buying it in the middle of the afternoon on a Thursday. I immediately began wildly looking around the store in case anyone I knew was in there and I was filled with the urge to yell ouy, "I'm just looking at the comedy DVDs!" Instead I high-tailed it out of the section and just ended up buying a used copy of Ace Ventura. I didn't find the Steven Wright and don't expect me to look again soon. (I think if you spend to much time in the porn section you end up on some kind of list.) Also, next time I go back and look I think I'm going to make a loud show of asking someone who works there if they could show me where the comedy special DVDs are. At least then people will know what I'm doing over there.

-Earlier this week it was announced that the field in this year's NBA Dunk Contest will consist of the Clipper's Blake Griffin and three other people. Alright, maybe that's not what the announcement said, but from the way people have already declared Griffin the winner it may as well have. Look, I get their excitement: Griffin is a great athlete and a freakishly good dunker. He doesn't jump around guys - he goes over and through them. He is this generation's Shawn Kemp. That being said, I don't expect him to wow us in the dunk contest. Griffin's best highlights are the ones where he jumps so high his eyes are above the rim and he throws the ball in on the heads of three other people. In the flow of a game, his dunks can be awe-inspiring. The thing is, the dunk contest doesn't work like that. Instead you run up and try to put the ball through your legs and behind your waist (or something to that effect). It's more style than power and Griffin is a power dunker. What works in a game doesn't translate to a dunk contest. (Which is half the reason the dunk contest stopped being cool three years ago.) I'm happy Blake is at least willing to give the contest a try and because a lot of NBA fans are sheep who go for big names over the best players he might even win behind the strength of the fan voting. I just don't expect him to unleash some sort of sport-altering dunk and neither should you.

Doesn't Change Anything

There was big literary news this week when it was announced the next run of Mark Twain's "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" will have been edited, removing any trace of the 'n-word' and replacing it with 'slave'. (If you're anything like me the first thing you thought of when hearing that is it doesn't seem like much of an improvement.) Anyway, the publishers stated that the reason they made the change was because, due to the language, many schools have been removing the book from reading lists and the company thought this was the best option they had to make sure the story was still read by younger people. Anyways, this has raised a lot of eyebrows around the world and many people have weighed in on it. Most people feel as though the editing was unnecessary and I'm in that camp. Now, don't worry, I'm not about to go off on some pro-racial-slur rant, I simply feel like this is another example of people trying to be a little too politically correct.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that people shouldn't be offended by the 'n-word'. I hope I am never the kind of person who could tell someone else what should and should not bother them. I'm simply saying that, rather than remove a word from a book and replace it with something else, why not use that time to explain to the kids who have to read it why that word is so terrible? I think that is a better alternative than running from the issue, which I feel like this is. I remember when we read this book in junior high. Beforehand, the teacher explained to us that just because a word was used in a book written over a hundred years ago it doesn't mean we could go around using it now. That was it - took five minutes and I don't remember it being a problem the entire time we were covering Huck Finn in school. And bear in mind that we were not a class full of MENSA candidates, just a group of normal seventh graders. If we could understand the premise of not using every word we see in print than I am sure others could as well. I understand that not everyone enjoys having conversations like that, but life is pretty much a series of uncomfortable conversations.

Also, as someone who fancies themselves a writer, I don't like the idea of people going in and making all these changes without consulting the author. (If he can't be consulted because he's been dead for 100 years then that should be further evidence all hands should be off.) I may be a constant tinkerer with my work, but at least I'm the one doing the editing. Writing a book is hard and I don't care how many literary scholars have read up on him, none of them will ever actually know for sure what Twain would think of these changes. If people are allowed to start going back and changing parts of stories they don't like then there is no telling where it ends and every work ever published essentially becomes a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book. Suddenly "Bridge to Terabithea" has a happy ending and "Romeo & Juliet" end with a big outdoor ceremony where the families come together like My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding.

But, the main reason this bothers me is that I don't think people should be going back and editing things just to fit the current culture. Unless you have access to a time machine, all you are doing is putting a happy face on history and history is the study of the way things actually used to be, not the way we wished they used to be. With that in mind, here's the thing: you can edit out all the references you want, it won't change the fact that people used to throw the 'n-word' around pretty casually. It goes back to this book being a chance for a teaching moment - use it as a way to talk about how far we have come as a society (and in some cases, how far we still have to go). By editing "Huck Finn" I feel like the publishers are instead trying to cover their tracks like they did something wrong. The book was written in the style of the time - you can't change that fact 125 years later.

So, to sum up: while the liberal in me understand why some people are uncomfortable with certain words, the realist in me knows that you can't edit history, the writer in me doesn't agree with changing a literary classic a hundred years later and the editor in me thinks that replacing 219 references sounds like a lot of work.

Who's On The Line?

Yesterday I went and got a new cell phone. I've been doing just fine without one for a while now, but figured that it wouldn't be a bad thing to have one just in case of emergencies. (To be truthful, my family made this decision for me at Christmastime.) The one I picked out is actually very cool with all sorts of newfangled features I will never, ever use. (Really, just send texts and receive phone calls and I'm good.) Anyway, the headache that comes with getting a new cell phone is that you have to transfer all of your old information over from one phone to another. While cell phones have come a long way, with things like built-in memory cards making for easy transferring of pictures or ringtones, it is still not as easy as it should be. For example, no matter how long I tried, I could not find a way to transfer all my numbers over in one big jump. I understand that some stores will do this for you, but by this point it was late in the afternoon and that would require leaving my nice warm house, driving to the store and waiting while they did it, which I assume would take about the same space of time as sitting at home and typing them in myself, only with the added hassle of trying to find my shoes. Therefore, I just decided to do it myself.

As I was sitting there, typing away (which was admittedly easier with the full keyboard, but still not as rapid a process as I would have preferred), I thought about how I almost never talk to most of the people on my call log anymore. Thus, I began editing numbers if for no other reason than to whittle down the amount of imputing I had to do. Basically the rule of thumb was this: have I talked to you since the year 2000 and do I remember your last name? Then you can stay. Everyone else needs to get out. However, there were some people I just couldn't get rid of, no matter how long it had been since I last talked to them and I feel like we all have these people on our contact list. They seemed to fall into one of the following categories:

The Possible References: You worked with them four years ago and haven't talked to them since, but you always liked them. You feel compelled to hold onto this number just in case you need someone to vouch for you, because you are sure they would... of course they would.

The 'Somedays...': People that faded away even though you never wanted them to. Your scheduled just got too busy or whatever, but man, you should call them. I bet it would be great to catch up with them. I mean, you're not going to do it right now, cause it's a random Tuesday night and that would be kind of weird after two years, but, yeah, eventually you're gonna call them.

The 'I don't know who this is': Crap, did you work with this guy? Is he a client? Is he someone you should know? Dammit, you can't erase this number unless you know you're not going to need it.

The Space Fillers: You know this number is no longer valid, but at some point you'll talk to this person and get their new number. In the mean time, it's just easier for you to enter their information now while you're doing everyone else's and edit it later.

The Warnings: These are the people that you don't want to talk to ever again. However, you need to keep their number in your phone to guard against the off chance they call you first, you don't recognize the number, pick up the phone and suddenly you're in an hour-long conversation with a person you never wanted to talk to in the first place. These numbers never stayed in the phone before caller ID.

Feeling Dated

Even though we are a few days into 2011, I finally got around to going calendar shopping. I like to have two calendars in my room: the standard wall version with one page for every month and the 365 day-by-day calendar. It is not just because I constantly want to know what day of the week it is, either. One helps fill up a giant gap in my wall space and the other comes in handy should I need to jot down a quick note at some point during the day. Now, when you wait this long to actually begin looking for a calendar it can be a very hit-or-miss prospect. Most people are organized enough to know that they will get the best selection if they buy before the new year begins, but on the flip side of that argument is the common knowledge that calendar prices are immediately slashed as soon as the ball has dropped in Time's Square, to the point you almost feel bad for the people who paid full price for a product that is half-off just two days later. So, basically it comes down to this: if you go into it without having to have one specific calendar in mind, you can still walk out happy and with some money left over.

[Sidebar: Seriously, can you think of another product with such an unbelievable price cut considering the thing is still about 99% useful? There is food in the grocery store being sold after its expiration date which isn't that marked down. (Trust me, I have bought my fair share of soda still on the shelves passed the 'best by' date. If you think about it, 50% off would make sense in June when the year is half over and the calendar is half-useless, but it's January 4th. There are 361 days left in the year. What is the hurry to off-load these things? You mean to tell me people aren't going to need a new calendar in March? Drinks get spilled on desks all year-round, forcing people to try and find a new calendar, but you try and find a 2011 edition by the end of February. Can't be done.]

Well, as expected by waiting this long, I actually didn't find a wall calendar to my liking. (For the fifth year in a row, still no Shakira calendars to be found anywhere.) But, it doesn't matter, because that is not the point of this post. (Yep, seriously, I still haven't gotten there.) What was bugging me today was the practice of putting the phrase "16 Month" calendar on the front of all those wall calendars which feature the last four months of 2010 on the first page. Now, you know as well as I do that no one bought a 2011 calendar in September of 2010 and thus this page is never going to be glanced at after its up on the wall. Putting it in doesn't even seem necessary. Yet, we gladly accept the phrase "16 months" as if it weren't some kind of giant scam. I would just like someone out there to offer to work on a project for sixteen months and then quit after 12, citing the fact that the first four months were done retroactively. You'd be sued for failure to complete the work. I'm not saying I want them to start making calendars that last until May of the following year - I just want the calendar publishers to stop patronizing me. I know I'm not getting 16 months out of this thing, you know I'm not getting 16 months out of it - lets just agree to end the charade.

Coaching Ramblings

-The Monday following the last day of the NFL regular season has become known as 'Black Monday' because it is the day a lot of coaches get fired. While I don't quite understand the tag (you would think the color would be pink, as in 'pink slips'), I have decided to embrace it, because it is just as legitimate to me as 'Cyber Monday' and everyone seems to treat that like it is some long-standing tradition.

-One of the coaches reportedly on the way out this afternoon is the Bengals' Marvin Lewis. Now, technically he won't be fired; it will be a mutual parting of the ways because his contract has expired and simply will not be renewed. But, it was the manner in which he is going out that might be the smartest thing he has ever done in his time in Cincinnati: Lewis told the organization that he wasn't going to discuss an extension unless they met several of his demands. (It is important to note that Marvin Lewis has had two winning seasons in eight years.) Not surprising, the organization has decided not to listen to a coach with no leverage and Lewis is expected to be let go. But, by leaking to the media that the reason he wants out is because ownership is unwilling to spend the money to improve things like the training facilities and scouting department, Lewis suddenly looks like a guy who was fighting an uphill battle his entire tenure, and not an above average defensive coordinator in over his head as the man in charge. Very savvy.

-Another firing that happened over the weekend was Pittsburgh new head coach getting fired following an arrest and a complaint of domestic violence, just two weeks after being given the job. Congratulations, George O'Leary, you are off the hook for shortest college coaching tenure that simultaneously brought the most embarrassment to the school that hired you. O'Leary might have only been Notre Dame's head coach for a couple of days, but all he did was lie on a resume. That's downright professional by comparison.

-Speaking of former Notre Dame head coaches, Charlie Weis is reportedly leaving the Kansas City Chief offensive coordinator position to take over the offense at the University of Florida. This makes almost no sense to me. You have to figure that Charlie, like all people who were at one time a head coach, would like to be the man in charge once again. Well, you are much more likely to get that opportunity as a coordinator in the NFL than one in college. I can only assume that he and Chiefs coach Todd Haley are not seeing eye-to-eye on play-calling. Even then, you would think he would want to stay in the NFL given how badly his last college gig turned out.

-And, while we're on the subject of a coach making a questionable move, UConn head coach Randy Edsall left the Huskies to be the head man at the University of Maryland. Now, I'm not going to crap on him for ditching his team right after their bowl game, because that's the nature of college football. What I wonder is why he would leave a program he built from nothing into a conference champion for a middle-of-the-pack ACC school. You would think if a guy was going to leave it would be for a much better job, and I'm not sure Maryland is all that much better than UConn. I guess when at one school as the football coach you rank behind both the men's and women's basketball coaches, only being behind the men's basketball coach at the new school is somewhat of an improvement.

A Sunny Interlude

So, this week's musical interlude has two reason behind its theme: first off, it's been warm and sunny for most of the week, which has melted a lot of the snow from last week's blizzard and I appreciate that. Secondly, the Fighting Irish won the Sun Bowl on Friday afternoon and, even though the Miami players spent the entire game shivering and acting like they would rather be anywhere in the world, I appreciate that more. Plus, I always liked this song.

My Song For 2011

A couple years back I wrote about the concept of a personal song for the year. The basic premise was that the first song you heard on the radio after midnight was going to be the song that defined your upcoming year. Soon after, I had to amend this to be the best song from one spin around the dial, because most songs on the radio these days are terrible and I would be damned if some techo-remix of a Miley Cyrus song was going to be my personal anthem for the next twelve months.

However, last night was a rare occurrence: I turned on the radio when I got into my car around 1 AM and the actual first song I heard on the radio was my choice. I was shocked when it happened. After the song was over I still gave the effort of going once through the dial, just to cover my bases, but deep down I knew it was for show. The first song I heard is my anthem for 2011. I know Liz will agree with my good luck.