He's Your Problem Now

Whenever a relationship ends, there is a period of regret and reflection. Human nature when thinking about the past is to gloss over the bad times and focus solely on the good - forgetting for the moment that the person was and continues to be bat-shit crazy. This kind of reflection only serves to make the regret stronger. Because you're thinking about only the good times, thoughts start to creep in that perhaps you were too quick to end the relationship and could have done more to try and save it. That regret deepens further if you can't seem to find anyone to take their place, but discover that your ex is now in a stable and happy new relationship. Suddenly you can't figure out why they weren't this way with you and what makes this new person so much better? The good news is that crazy can only be kept hidden for so long. A time will come when you will find that they have begun to act just as insane in their new relationship. Then you can relax, regain your confidence because you made the right decision and feel sorry for the poor idiot who fell for their act just like you did. I'm talking, of course, about Red Sox fans and their relationship with Manny Ramirez.

Red Sox fans have always had a complex relationship with Ramirez, which continues even though his time in Boston ended badly and he's been gone for two full seasons. There are still those in Red Sox Nation who wish the Sox had never let Manny go, because we have never been able to replace his power in the line-up and when Manny left a lot of what was interesting about the Red Sox on a day-to-day basis went with him. The team is more professional, but professional is boring, they'll say. (Sadly, I agree on this point. The 2010 Red Sox are like watching paint dry.) They even wanted the Red Sox to claim him off of waivers from the Dodgers if he fell to us. They had forgotten all about the abusing of clubhouse staff, the not running out of ground balls, the iffy (at best) defense and the refusing to be put in the lineup even though there was an injury because he had been promised the day off. "He could provide the spark that could get us back in the division race," I would hear them say on sports talk radio, forgetting that he could also be the spark that blows the Sox clubhouse apart. Fortunately, Manny reminded them all over the weekend why he was let go in the first place when Ramirez managed to end his run in Los Angeles in a spectacularly dickheaded fashion.

For those of you who didn't see it, let me set the scene: LA is in Colorado playing the Rockies. The bases are loaded for the Dodgers, who are clinging to slimming playoff hopes. A win would go a long way. Manny, who hasn't played since being placed on waivers a couple of days prior and is rumored to be on his way to the White Sox, is called upon to be a pinch-hitter. Manny has never been the kind of player to strain himself for the good of the team even if fully invested and with Chicago putting a waiver claim on him he's contractually halfway out the door, which means mentally he's already gone. Nevermind the millions of dollars they paid him or how they stood by him when he failed a steroid tests - he simply doesn't want to be a Dodger anymore and in his mind that is all that matters. The first pitch is about a full foot outside, but called a strike. Now, it was a bad call, but not the worst call of the season, the month or even the week. Manny immediately starts jawing at the umpire. Much like when a manager has to work to get ejected, Ramirez will not let it go in a thinly-veiled desire to get tossed. Mercifully, Manny is finally tossed after seeing just one pitch in his pinch-hit appearance and just like that his Dodger career is over. No one in the Dodgers dugout seems too surprised or upset about the turn of events. They almost seem relieved. Like I said, crazy always manages to resurface. Suddenly no one was sad the Sox didn't make a move to bring Manny back.

So today when Manny was introduced in Chicago I had to laugh as everyone on SportsCenter was gushing over the possibilities that Manny could be a great addition to an already powerful line-up and that this could be the move that powers the White Sox to a division title. Yeah, that could happen because there is only a month left in the season and the White Sox are competitive. A motivated Manny Ramirez is still a hell of a ballplayer. But, Manny is also in a contract year and not one to let a little thing like a division race push that out of his mind. Let Ramirez hit five homeruns in a week and then ask the club about a contract extension beyond this season. Let's see how invested he is if they don't jump at the chance to pay him $20 million a season. Or, let's see what happens if Manny isn't the spark and the White Sox are five games out with a week left in the season. The White Sox should remember that there is a reason Ramirez was passed over by the entire National League and most of the American League without being claimed. So, if this is the spark that gets them going, good for you, Chicago, you took a risk and it paid off. But, if at the end of the season Manny is leaving the ballpark before the last game even ends and yet no one is sad to see him leave, you can't say we didn't warn you.

The Emmys For Shows I've Seen

Every year the Emmy's bring a stunning fact to light: I don't watch a lot of quality TV. Now, I watch as much TV as the next guy, but year after year the Emmys reward shows that I simply haven't seen or don't like enough to watch more than once. Apparently, my tastes are just not outstanding enough. [Sidebar: When did we stop awarding 'best' in favor of 'outstanding'? Did the Emmys get taken over by the Little League Moms of America?] You would think that this would inspire me to broaden my viewing horizons to include better shows, but I'd be fooling myself if I said I was going to do that. I'm going to keep on just watching the shows I already do. Instead, I'm going the other way and simply handing out my own Emmys, which will only be picked from the shows I do watch. As I only seem to watch 8 shows, expect to see a lot of repeats.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Winner: Maggie Siff, "Sons of Anarchy"

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Winner: Adam Ferrara, "Rescue Me"
Alright, I admit, I haven't watched "Rescue Me" in a couple of seasons, I just like Ferarra's stand-up routine. I assume this is how most Emmy voters do their jobs as well.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Winner: Katey Sagal, "Sons of Anarchy".

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Winner: Timothy Olyphant, "Justified."

Outstanding Drama Series
Winner: "Sons of Anarchy"
I've always thought the best dramas are the ones that leave you feeling like your guts have been slightly twisted. This series does just that.

Outstanding Reality Competition Program
Winner: "Big Break, Sandals Resort"
It had the added advantage of being the only reality competition program that I have every watched.

Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series
Winner: “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”
Hey, look, the Emmys and I agreed on one!

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Winner: Sasha Alexander, "Rizzoli & Isles"
What do you mean that show isn't supposed to be a comedy?

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Winner: Neil Patrick Harris, "How I Met Your Mother"
Sadly, he's quickly become the only reason to watch this show.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Winners: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "Seinfeld"
Isn't it standard Emmy protocol every year to give a statue to someone from a show that's already been cancelled? Besides, I see more episodes of "Seinfeld" on TV than almost any other show, so it's like it never left. I guarantee the reruns get more viewers than her new show.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Winner: Jim Parsons, “The Big Bang Theory”
Wow, the Emmys and I agreed on two. Higher than I thought it would be.

Outstanding Comedy Series
Winner: "Family Guy"
I know it's a cartoon. I also know isn't as critically-acclaimed as shows like "30 Rock" or "The Office", but frankly, that's a good thing. Every now and again it's nice to have some low-brow comedy. I'm tired of being made to feel guilty just because I don't watch "30 Rock" religiously. I laugh when this show is on and that's pretty much the only criteria that should matter.

What's In A Name?

Yesterday I was driving down the highway and passed a strip mall. On the directory outside the mall there was a sign for a store called Computer Store. Not even The Computer Store, just Computer Store. Zooming passed at 50 mph, I was struck by two thoughts in about five seconds: First, the founders of this store appeared to have spent literally zero minutes coming up with a name. They couldn't even be bothered to think about it and banter a couple of possibilities around - if they had I doubt Computer Store would have been the winner. Seriously, it appears they got everyone who was investing into a room and one person said, "We want to open a store that sells computers. We will call it Computer Store... (45 seconds of silence). Good meeting, everybody." The second thing to hit me was that I have no doubt that if I had a computer issue, I am bringing my PC to Computer Store. Think about it: when you are that unoriginal it must be because you are supremely confident in your abilities. You only have a name that simple if you have no doubts you will be remembered and recommended by customers. You can't be bland and terrible at your job. But, who needs a catchy title like Geek Squad if you can instead be remembered as the guys who fix every problem without a hiccup? No need to think of a marketing plan; just let the work speak for itself.

Further down the road I saw the exact opposite side of the coin, as there was a large billboard for a local attorney, Scott B. Brilliant. Now, I'm not saying that I think this was a made-up name cobbled together by some marketing team, but I do think that this guy has been thinking about what kind of business he was going to be opening since he was about 10. You don't have the last name Brilliant and end up working somewhere your name isn't going to be seen. You just know that as Scott was growing up he had a plethora of fake business cards ready to go for whatever industry he would end up going into: Brilliant Auto Repair, Brilliant Carpet and Window Cleaners, etc. Therefore, I do not think the design meetings for this billboard were quick. Brilliant appears to have put a lot of thought into how he would present himself to potential clients, as evidenced by the use of the middle initial that is also conveniently a verb. Also, I bet he got a lot of traction from those Guinness ads a few years back. (However, I feel like he earned that right because you know every time he got less than an A on a test in school he heard about it from his friends and teachers.) A quick look at his website shows he does Civil Litigation and Insurance Disputes. I just wonder if he helped draw up the insurance coverage plan for Computer Store.

Radio Contest Ramblings

So, all this week I tried and tried to win a radio call-in contest on the local classic rock station (remind me another time to write about how we as a society need to get together and define the word "classic") by being the 25th caller. It was an exercise in extreme frustration. This was not the first time I tried to win tickets to this event. Two months ago I was part of a contest on Twitter in which 3 of the 11 people who entered won tickets (roughly 27%, which should be great odds). I was not one of the three. Later, I signed up for a Facebook account specifically to win tickets to this same event and I was one of only 12 people who got all the questions right. I still didn't win. Why I thought I would have a better chance in an open contest against hundreds of thousands of listeners is beyond my comprehension. [Editor's Note: It should be pointed out that the event I was attempting to win tickets for was not sold out. In fact, it still isn't. I could have, at any time in this little experiment, gone online, bought tickets and put myself out of my misery. But, it was the principle behind the whole thing.] Anyway, here are some thoughts I collected along the way:

-The very first time I tried to win the tickets I not only got through, but I was caller number 8. I feel like I got through too easily and this gave me a sense of false confidence. Since the last two times I tried to win I was against a low number of people, I assumed these tickets were not a high-demand item. I forgot a key thing I had learned when I worked in radio: people want anything that is free, they don't care what it is.

-The person who designed the phone system where it rings once or twice before changing to a busy signal needs to be kicked in the face. Same goes for whoever thought it would be a good idea to have a three second silent pause before the busy signal kicks in. Like I need to be teased like that.

-Still, the "rings, then goes to busy signal" is an upgrade to the phone call where it just rings and rings and rings and no one ever picks up, which happened to me three times. I can only assume when this happens it is because the DJ is busy collecting the winner's contact information and I'm caller number 26, but still, let me know for sure. To allow me to hang like that is just cruel.

-I had a shockingly low success rate for even getting through to the station. I tried calling 31 times and only got through on four attempts. Those four times I was caller number 8, 4, 14 and, worst of all, 24. Frankly, I think I would rather never get through than be that close and not win.

-You wouldn't believe how mad you get when you hear the DJ talk to the person who did win, because they never sound excited enough for your tastes. You just find yourself talking to the radio, "You don't deserve to win, Michael from Sudbury!"

-Still, at least Mike from Sudbury was kind of excited. One time the guy who called in had no idea what he won, where he was going or when the tickets were for. Apparently he just called for the hell of it and wound up winning. I officially hate that guy.

Now, I wish I could wrap this up with the fairytale ending that I won tickets on the final chance, but I didn't. I never even got through on the last day. This is why I don't buy scratch tickets.

Upon Further Review...

Every once in a while, I catch myself being old and thinking things that would never have previously cross my mind. When a car speeds down my street I will find myself thinking, "That guy should slow down." Or whenever I see any of the latest teeny-bopper, boy-band popstars I often think, "Dude, get a haircut." It is because of times like these I appreciate any chance I get to roll my eyes at the previous generation when they talk about how great it was in the 'old days'. As old as I occasionally act, I have yet to pine for simpler times or the days before some technological achievement. I get the most chances to roll my eyes when it comes to retired NFL players, who like to sit around and put-down the current NFL game by saying that it is played by pampered millionaires who aren't nearly as tough as the guys they used to play with. Please. Today's players are bigger, stronger and faster than those guys thanks to year-round training and the realization that you can't smoke a pack of cigarettes a day if you want to be considered an elite athlete. The guys who play safety today are bigger than the guys who used to play offense line in the early days of the NFL. The reason the pads are so much bigger in today's NFL compared to the early days of the league isn't because guys are soft - it's because guys today hit with the force of a truck and people finally started to notice that repeated collisions like that aren't great for your long-term health. If they are wearing more protective gear it is not because they aren't as tough, it's because they want to be able to actually walk away from the game with their health.

I also think, thanks to advancements like high-definition instant replays along with more stringent rules enforcement, that it is harder to play football today than it was back even a decade ago. I talked a couple weeks ago about how much of a difference HD has made and that watching a game from 2002 may as well be from 1972. Well, because we now have a clear view of everything, these days plays are called almost to the letter of the law - there is no getting the benefit of the doubt anymore. During last night's Patriots preseason game there was one play that was a perfect summation of the difference technology has made in the game. Patriot's tight end Alge Crumpler went out on a sideline route and came down with the ball, but was ruled not to have maintained control of the ball. First off, 20 years ago they would have given him the catch just for the effort. If you watch a replay of an old NFL game those guys just had to grab the ball and get both feet down to be awarded the catch. But last night when the refs went to the video they were checking that Crumpler not only caught the ball and got both feet in, but also made sure his hands were on the ball throughout the entire process of bringing the ball into his body and that the ball didn't move even a little when he hit the ground before the refs would give it to him. By today's standards, half of the "great" catches in NFL history wouldn't stand up to a replay review. You could make the case that things are too tightly called, but I'd rather have it this way than go back to the days of out-of-shape quarterbacks and officials who were pretty much guessing on certain plays.

-Count me among those who were truly bummed out upon hearing that Nationals' phenom Stephen Strasburg is going to need Tommy John surgery and will miss not only the rest of this season, but most likely next season as well. Now, given the number of times this surgery has been performed with little to no long-term problems, this probably won't be a big blow to his overall career. At least they know what it is and how they can fix it. He'll probably be able to come back just as strong as he was before he got hurt. However, it just stinks for the Nationals, because he was the first positive momentum the team has had since their initial season in Washington. Since then it has been a litany of bad signings, missed draft picks and mounting losses; even opening a new stadium didn't help. Strasburg was pretty much the only reason to watch the Nationals, which is too bad because I actually want to see them do well. Frankly, I'm sick of the same seven teams be in contention in the National League over and over again. I was getting excited at the idea that this team was being built the right way, around young pitching, and was going to be in it for the long haul. Instead they are back to searching for a number one pitcher and most likely filling that role by signing someone who would be a number three pitcher on another staff. So much for the Nationals making a big jump next season.

You're Going To Make Me Choose, Aren't You?

Pretty much the only reason I wasn't jumping for joy at the announcement that Conan O'Brien will be coming back to TV in November is because of when he is coming back: 11 PM, Monday to Thursday. That is the same time that The Daily Show is on TV, which has the distinction of being the only show on TV that I never miss. And it was episodes like the other night's, in which they talked about the power that certain words have over certain people, that make it not only one of the funniest and smartest shows on TV, but also one of the most thought-provoking. That being said, I can not stress this part enough:

DO NOT WATCH THIS AT WORK
OR AROUND ANYONE EASILY OFFENDED!!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Hurt Talker
http://www.thedailyshow.com/
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Seriously, the Masturbating Bear can't compete with that.

Park It Somewhere Nice

I decided this morning that I am not a fan of valet parking. On the surface you would think I would be a fan because it save the hassle of driving around, trying finding a parking space, finally getting one... only to find yourself six blocks from the building you want to be in. Also, considering I have never been the quickest parallel-parker, you would expect me to like how it takes that totally out of the equation. However, there is just something about handing a complete stranger my car keys that makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I think it goes to the fact that I can't see where they are taking my truck once they go around the corner. I've seen too many movies, so I think they could be taking off on a joyride, like the guys in Ferris Bueller (hell, I assume it is written into their union contract that they get to do that once a year). Also, handing over my keys goes against every instinct I have had since I could first drive. I've always believed that before you lend anyone your vehicle you need to see the condition their car is in. If they have dents running up and down both sides then you obviously aren't going to let them behind the wheel. You don't get that kind of reassurance at a valet stand. Those guys could beat the hell out of their cars and you would never know. What you do when you valet is basically put your trust that this company has done their due diligence in terms of screening these employee and checking their driving records. And since we all know how "hard" it is to pass a driving test in this state even their due diligence isn't that comforting.

However, despite these reservations, I would never say anything to the valet, because even I know that you never, ever want to be the person who tells them to "be extra careful" with your car. Obviously, everyone wants them to be careful with their car - it doesn't matter whether it's a Cadillac or a Ford Focus. To feel the need to remind these people to be careful just because it is your car carries a certain level of arrogance - as if you care more about your car or the money you paid for it was harder to earn than everyone else. If these people screw up your car, they'll get fired (that is the best case scenario) and more likely sued. They know that, they don't need you to remind them of it and so it doesn't need to be said. Some woman who was dropping off her Lexus as I was picking my truck back up said "Tell him to be careful" to the guy in charge of the stand and even I quietly began hoping whoever got behind the wheel backed it into a pole. I assume that in the valet world being told to take extra car of some one's car is the equivalent of being a short order cook when someone sends the food back - anything goes at this point. All you have succeeded in doing is drawing a big bull's eye on your car. Frankly, if that statement ever slipped out of my mouth I would be downright terrified to get back into my car after that. God only knows what this guy could have left as a present and where he left it. Now who is the one who has to be careful?

-There are conflicting reports over whether Rajon Rondo asked off the Team USA roster this summer because he didn't feel up to playing or if he asked off as a way to beat team officials to the punch of telling him he wouldn't make the final roster. Either way, I'm fine with him not playing this summer. For all the talk about Doc needing to manage the minutes of older guys like Allen, Pierce and Garnett, the Celtics really need to keep an eye on Rondo this coming season. People forget how gassed he was by the end of the Finals. The guy plays at full tilt and is constantly crashing to the floor. How much wear spending all summer training with Team USA puts on players has always been an area of debate in NBA circles. Personally I don't think it causes too much damage unless the player has had several recent seasons with long playoff runs, which Rondo has. So, I'm glad he's getting the rest of the summer off. While the Celtics spent the summer beefing up the frontcourt with guys like Harangody and the O'Neals, they never did get around to signing a backup for Rondo, so his health is critical to the season. (No, I don't consider Nate Robinson a true point guard and Avery Bradley is already hurt.) I'm sure he's bummed about not being on the roster this year, but if Rondo keeps playing the way he has for the next two years he'll be all but impossible to ignore for the 2012 Olympics.

In Case I Fall In A Well...

There is an amazing story in the news right now about a group of Chilean miners trapped thousands of feet below the ground in a copper and gold mine. Thirty-three miner were found alive two weeks after the mine had a cave-in. They had managed to find their way to a safe area and then ration their food until rescue workers were able to dig a relief hole to give them food and water. They are far from done with this ordeal though, because given the shaky status of the mine around them, digging a hole big enough to get them out has to proceed slowly and could take until Christmas. In the meantime they managed to lowered a telephone line to the men and asked them what they needed, which is where the story gets a little weird. The first thing they asked for were toothbrushes. With all due respect to the dentists of the world, I don't think that would be the first thing I would have asked for. In fact, thinking it through, it would be the third thing I would ask for. Here's my list (obviously excluding food and water, because those should go without saying*), so file this away in case I take up a new career in mining:

1. Toilet Paper. Seems that it would be rather self-explanatory. Actually, you would think that it would be already included, but go back and read the story - you'll notice it is not listed among the items sent down. This fact makes me hopeful they never re-open this mine ever again.

2. My iPod. Look, I won't be able to read in the dark, at least give me something to entertain myself or I'll go insane. I thought about asking for a laptop, but it's highly doubtful I would get much of an Internet connection a half-mile below the earth. Plus, I'm not sure a laptop would fit in a six-inch relief hole, but an iPod definitely makes it. I know the power would die in a couple days, but frankly, I would hope this shared knowledge encourages you to get a move on.

3. Toothbrushes. Probably weird to some of you that this is behind an iPod, but I figure if I'm not eating much then it can get pushed back a notch. Just know that I'll give my teeth a good cleaning before I make it to the surface to ensure I look my best for the cameras.

4. A Notebook. I'm going to go out on a limb and nominate myself as the group's official biographer. Clearly being trapped will snap my consecutive days blogging streak (currently at 619), so I'll have to re-start once I get out. At least this way I have a hell of story to tell.

5. An Air Mattress. Loyal readers know the love affair I share with my bed. Sleeping on rocks for four months is not an appealing idea for me. That's why I need you to roll up the mattress and send it my way. I'll deal with getting it inflated. I'm not even asking for the electric pump... though, if you think about it, it would be kind of a dick move to send a guy trapped in a well an air mattress with no pump.

*Same goes for asking for a Pickaxe in this scenario. Remember when you had the "If you were trapped on an island, what would you bring with you" conversation with your friends? There was always that asshole who felt the need to say, "I'd want a boat." Well, obviously we would all want a boat, that's not the spirit of the conversation. Sure, digging tools would come in hand but that isn't the point of this exercise.

Playing Catch-Up

-So, the Cleveland Cavaliers recently announced that they would be changing their uniforms back to something more reminiscent of the pre-LeBron James days. (Please, no one remind them they were terrible when they wore those uniforms. Let them have this one.) While the new uniforms shouldn't be considered a huge change, I figure that this is all just part of the grieving process as they try to get over being dumped on national television in an hour-long special. And, if all the chick-flicks I have been forced to watch through the years have taught me anything, they are very close. In the movies first comes anger (Dan Gilbert's hilarious temper-tantrum email to fans), then a make-over (new uniforms) before finally getting their groove back. However, this is the NBA so instead of rebounding with a sensitive new man who makes them happier than they have ever before, expect something more along the lines of trading for a journeyman center with a bad contract who takes them to a first round exit from the playoffs.

-You ever come across an innovation that makes so much sense it almost makes you angry that it took them so long to come up with it? For as long as I have played video games, nothing has frustrated me more than the unexpected movie at the end of a level. I often turn down games and listen to music because you can only hear Jon Madden say the same thing so many times, but because of this I have often miss the start of the video as I scramble to find the remote control to turn the sound back up. Well, on this year's edition of Tiger Woods golf, they actually give you the option of re-playing the video once it ends. It is so brilliant but so simple. The fact that there have been ten versions without this option now boggles my mind.

-You know what continues to bother me? The cost of shipping these days. I found a shirt online the other day that I kind of liked. Even better, it was on sale. The shirt cost $18, but shipping it to me would have cost $8. You know, I wouldn't even mind paying that much if I thought it meant the clothes would come carefully packaged, but that won't be the case. I've bought enough clothes online to know that all it will be is a sealed bag with a stamp on it. I was tempted to write the company an email and offer to send them a self-addressed, stamped envelope large enough to hold the shirt as a counter-offer. Alas, I doubt they would take me up on it, so I didn't bother to buy anything from them.

-Last week someone asked Kurt Warner's wife who she thought should play Kurt in a movie. [Sidebar: I don't know if a movie based on Warner's life is really being worked on or not, but we should all expect it eventually. You just know someone started on a script the second the Rams won a Super Bowl. I'm actually stunned they waited for him to retire before they began production.] Anyway, Mrs. Warner said she thought Denzel Washington was a good choice. First of all, doesn't Denzel seem a little old for the part? Research shows he is a full sixteen years older than Warner, which could make the football scenes a little tough on him. It's probably a better idea to get a younger actor and make them look older than trying to pull off the other way around. Secondly, does Brenda Warner know what her husband actually looks like? It appears Mrs. Warner has been spending a lot of time on the MyHeritage website. I'll say this, though - if Denzel pulls that role off give him an Oscar immediately.

You Have To Let It Go

When Avatar first came out, a buddy of mine told me that I needed to see it in theatres to fully appreciate the special effects. Well, I never got around to that, but I did manage to see it once it was out on DVD. I felt like that was good enough and I got the general idea. But apparently there are too many people like me out there for the likes of James Cameron, because he has decided to re-release the movie later this month for yet another limited run in 3D-theatres featuring some new scenes. (I had wondered why a DVD like Avatar came without any special features or deleted scenes, but I guess now I have my answer to that question.) It may be re-released under the guise of new content, but clearly this is an attempt by the movie studio to try and squeeze every last dollar out of this thing. I'm also sure James Cameron is more than happy to go along because it just pads the movie's lead as the highest-grossing movie of all-time. But, I feel compelled to point out to Mr. Cameron that he needs to stop chasing after that title, because this movie's reign as highest-grossing will be short lived. I'm not expecting some mind-blowing movie to come along, but it is simple economics: the price of movie tickets show no signs of going backwards and soon enough it will cost $15 to see a film in the theatres, making it easy for another movie to come along and steal the crown. It doesn't make that movie any better (just like Avatar isn't any better than other high-grossing movies like E.T.), it just means it came out later.

Anyway, the other point I would like to make is that James Cameron clearly needs a new film project to work on. Avatar has now been released to theatres like four times - dude, you're all done, find a new script. As a fellow perfectionist I can sympathise with the fact that you are never satisfied with the product and have convinced yourself you can make that one scene a little better or the script a little tighter. I get that there is a part of your brain that constantly zeroes in on the 2% you aren't happy with instead of the 98% that turned out great. But, at some point you have to realise that the movie is out and you can't keep tinkering or else you're never going to be truly done and you're going to drive yourself mad. Also, you're not going to win an Oscar for a movie that came out two years ago, even if it is still in theatres, so let go of that dream as well. All you are going to accomplish if you keep changing things and re-releasing the movie is to ruin the originality of the first edition. It is like that old saying: we can't miss you if you don't leave. I'm not saying you have to put the movie away forever, after all this is Hollywood - people 're-boot' movie franchises that started five years ago. But, even George Lucas, who would also consider himself a tinkerer, knew enough to let Star Wars sit for a couple of decades before he went back and started messing with new technology to improve on the original. Cameron, what I'm saying to you is this: if you're not careful you're going to wind up with Jar Jar Binks in your movie.

-While we're on the subject of movies, I saw a preview the other day for a new Resident Evil movie. Do you know that they have now made four of these things? I sat down and really thought about this and I can honestly say that I don't know anyone who has seen a single one of them. I mean, they must make a ton of money, because new chapters come out every couple of years, but who are the people who actually go to see these movies? I know my fair share of sci-fi and video game nerds (hell, I count myself amongst them) but none of them have ever recommended a Resident Evil movie to me. What is even more amazing is that they started out based on a video game, but at this point I think the movies have been so bad they have managed to kill the video game franchise. It leads me to wonder who the people are that keep green-lighting these films. Is it just one particularly stubborn executive who really likes the game and therefore refuses to see that the movies are terrible? Also, the other thing I want to know is how bad these movies have to do before they agree to pull the plug and not release any more of them. If no one sees the latest one will that be the end of it, or are we destined to have new ones every couple of years, like new versions of the Friday the 13th movies? Really, a Grand Theft Auto movie would be so much better.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Charlotte!

It seems like just yesterday my niece Charlotte joined the family,
but today is her second birthday.

When she first got here she slept a lot.
Even now she remains a champion napper.

She has also become a very good eater.
Because she is half-Rakauskas, she is obviously a big fan of cake.

And as you can see, she is quite the stylist child.

Happy Birthday, Shazz!

Love,
Uncle Tommy

You Remember He Cheated, Right?

Like a lot of people, I really wish Congress made better use of it's time. There are so many issues facing the Nation right now, we would all be better served if Congress concentrated on them instead of things that really don't concern them, such as baseball's steroid issue. I understand that steroids in baseball have somehow become a morality issue and those are the ones that politicians love the most, because it allows them to seem higher and mightier than everyone else and that is what brings in the big donors. And it's the dog-and-pony-show aspect of these hearings that makes me the maddest. The simple truth is that the Congress men and women never want to hear about the actual steroids or the suppliers, they just want the chance to call professional baseball players into a televised setting, frown at the players like a disappointed school principal and then berate them for letting down the youth of this nation, who look up to baseball players as heroes. (That clip always seems to make it onto SportsCenter.) After that those same Congressmen get off their high horses and go back to their offices, where they take huge checks from lobbyists to look the other way on safety regulations and mess around with interns. But at least they didn't lie about take performance enhancing drugs. You know, priorities.

That being said, I have to admit as a man who never like Roger Clemens I took great joy in sitting back yesterday as it was announced that he will be indicted on charges of lying before Congress. Anyone who watched him half-ass his way through his last couple of months in Boston always knew that his rejuvenation in Toronto was not achieved solely because he rededicated himself to fitness after the Red Sox refused to give him a huge contract once he got fat and was a .500 pitcher. These charges seem like the perfect example of how karma not only comes back around to get you, but she picks up a head of steam on the trip. However, as I was watching some breakdown of the charges on ESPN, the one of the Congressmen mentioned that the key to the charges being brought against Clemens was the testimony of Yankee's pitcher and Clemens's training partner, Any Pettitte. The Congressman said that basically without Pettitte it was a game of "he said/he said" between Clemens and his one-time trainer Brian McNamee. Pettitte was apparently such an impeachable witness that when he backed McNamee's story instead of Clemens's that proved to Congress that Clemens must have been lying. This reminded me of something that I don't think is brought up nearly enough: Andy Pettitte took steroids.

For all the uproar that still surrounds guys like Sosa, Bonds, McGwire, Palmeiro, A-Rod and Clemens, Pettitte was right there with them and has somehow managed to sidestep all that and fly completely under the radar. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but the way the media seems to not only ignore Pettitte's steroid use but practically praise him for being brave enough to admit it makes me want to pull my hair out. I think it infuriates me because people keep saying that he gets the free pass because he is such a great guy, when evidence points more and more to the fact that he probably isn't. He cheated, it took a Congressional hearing for him to admit it and then he threw his friend under the bus to avoid further charges. Oh yeah, he's a peach. Secondly, have we learned nothing from the last year of Tiger Woods's personal life being front page news? Sports writers don't truly know these people, they only know however much the athlete feels like showing them. Now, look, I'm not saying that Pettitte is the worst human alive - I firmly believe that no one is always who they are at their worst moment, just like they aren't fully who they are at their best moment. But I also believe that once is an accident, twice is a trend and three times is evidence, and as such I want people to stop ignoring the evidence about people who are repeatedly at their worst moment just because they throw a baseball 90 mph. Pettitte is just as guilty of cheating as the rest of these guys, it shouldn't take someone like me to remind Congress and ESPN of that.

Who Needs Tickets?

During my time at Framingham State, I went to a ton of Celtics games. It was actually a perfect system because the college was relatively close to the green line, so I was able to drive to Newton, park and take the train in for $5 round-trip. (Free tip for anyone who takes the green line to a game: walk to the science museum stop and get on there. Avoids the crowds and guarantees a seat.) At this point I would buy tickets off a scalper for whatever balcony seats they had available and since this was when the Celtics were averaging 30 wins a year a lot of tickets were available. (Cools kids in college spent their money on beer and weed, I spent mine trying to see a crappy basketball team.) Because I was such a frequent customer I had a couple of scalpers on-call to reserve my seats. Despite this 'preferred buyer' status, I never felt completely comfortable in any of my dealings with these guys. I bring this up because there was a story in the Boston Globe earlier this week about how scalpers are having a very hard time selling their Red Sox tickets this season. The scalpers went the usual route of blaming the economy, the down year the Sox are having and way that Sox fans have become spoiled by success and thus unwilling to watch a team that could very well win 85 games but still miss the playoffs. (They said all this but then mentioned that they weren't about to start lowering how much they jacked up ticket prices.) The scalpers biggest complaint was against ticket services like Ace Tickets, which allows season ticket holders to sell their tickets back to the team, who then turns around and re-sells them through Ace. Scalpers think the service has an unfair advantage because has an agreement in place to deal directly with the team.

While I agree that service like Ace Tickets should be considered shady because they allow the Red Sox to sell the same seat twice, I (as I always do) have another theory as to why scalpers are having such a hard time competing with ticket services: scalpers are generally not members of high society. No one ever walks away from a scalper and thinks, "Now there is a guy I would want to hang out with socially." Instead after you finish your business with a scalper you find yourself walking away feeling slightly dirty and wondering how badly you just got screwed over. Their case is not helped by the fact that scalping tickets is still considered illegal and as such you have to hide what you are doing from the cops. Suddenly going to a Celtics game feels like you stepped into a drug deal. Doesn't get the night started with a good vibe. Also, given all the stories that come out around big sporting events of people buying tickets from scalpers only to discover that their tickets are not authentic, it doesn't matter how closely you examine the tickets before purchasing, there is always a sinking feeling in your stomach that you may get to the front of the line, have the usher scan the bar codes and inform you your tickets are counterfeit. So of course a ticket dealer with a direct connection to the Red Sox is going have the advantage, and it's not because they have a wider selection; it's because people know their tickets are actually for real. You can't put a price on peace of mind like that.

The other thing working against scalpers is that when people ask to see the tickets to make sure they are authentic they can also see how much the tickets really should cost. No one dealing with a scalper expects to pay face value, but to be able to immediately see and calculate how much you are over-paying can be a real kick in the face. Think about it like this - if you went in to buy a car where the dealership was charging you $30,000, but they left the factory sticker on which showed they only paid $10,000 then you probably aren't going to buy that car on principle. You know going in that this dealership is going to make a profit, but you simply don't want to know how big that profit is. The best business transactions are the ones where you think you at least got a bit of a deal, which is impossible when it comes to ticket scalping. In that respect, scalping tickets may be the most transparent of all industries. Now, as long as people wait until the last minute to decide to go to a ballgame these guys are in no danger of going out of business and I have no doubt that the Sox will make some moves this offseason to put some juice back into the fanbase. In the mean time I don't want to hear how hard times have gotten for the guys who in the past have been able to charge $150 for $30 bleacher seats just because the Yankees are in town.

One Pill Makes You Larger...

I'd never had much of an issue with allergies, but apparently when I turned 30 earlier this year my body decided that it was finally time for me to experience them (according to my detective sister, I'm allergic to ragweed, which is currently running high and there is a history of that allergy in the family). As a result I've awoken the last few mornings to find that whichever half of my face I was sleeping on was now a wall of sinus pressure. If felt like my face was being slowly inflated through my nasal cavity. This morning I finally relented and started to take sinus medication, but at first I was kind of hesitant, because the label makes it perfectly clear that what I was about to put into my system is no joke. All over the label and directions it screams, "Just one a day. One. Do not mess with this stuff and try to take two. One. Do you hear me? O-N-E." With warnings like that I'm surprised this stuff made it through testing. After I opened the box I was surprised to discover that this medication doesn't comes in some giant horse-pill. It's a little, tiny pill the size of the tip of a pen but, apparently it packs one hell of a punch. I have to admit, it was kind of a letdown. The worse part is that it hasn't been all that effective either. But, I'm certainly not about to press my luck and take a second one. I would hate to be on the news as having overdosed on sinus medication.

While we're talking about over-the-counter drugs, why does it seem as though it's always the weaker the medication, the bigger the pills? Like I said, this "take more than one and risk becoming addicted" pill is really tiny. However, if you come down with a condition which requires you to take medication four times an hour invariably those pills will turn out to be the size of an infant's fist. Obviously the huge pills can't pack much of a punch, otherwise you could take the same one a day format that is in place for the other medication. If they have so little actual medicine in them, then why do they come in such a big container? With so many people out there who have trouble swallowing pills wouldn't it make sense to try and make pills that have to be taken repeatedly as small as possible? Plus, I think it would help a person mentally if the medicine you only had to take once came in huge pill form because then you would look at it and say, "Well, yeah, it'll be hard to get down, but look at the size of it, it must be packed with medicine." Conversely, who cares if you have to take 18 pills a day if they are the size of a chocolate sprinkle? And since I'm already giving the pharmaceutical companies ideas, let me just say that putting something in the meds that made them taste like chocolate sprinkles wouldn't be the worst thing you could do.

-I want to go on record right now and personally thank the Minnesota Vikings for sending a jet with three teammates down to Mississippi and demanding that Brett Favre either get on board with them now or forever ride off into retirement. I find it fitting that the Vikings put an end to this, because their initially telling Favre that they were willing to wait while he weighed all his options was what started this drama in the first place. The bottom line is that Favre is back and the waiting game is over. I had visions of this saga dragging out another three weeks or so before Favre announced his return (as we all knew he would this entire time) with one preseason game left. While the media camping out just to get footage of his plane arriving and the O.J.-like helicopter video of his SUV travelling to Vikings' headquarters was way over the top, I'm just glad to know it's over. Now we can start to think about the actual games which, I'm sorry to say for Vikings fans, I do not expect to go as well this season. Given that last year was a mini-career renaissance, no one should expect Favre to put together the same kind of year. I expect the interception numbers to be a lot higher than they were and the bad passes to increase. They'll still make the playoffs, but I'm expecting the Packers to win the division and Vikings to lose in the divisional round. You can't put all your hopes on a 40 year-old quarterback with a bad ankle and expect him to bail you out time and time again. But, hey, at least he's not Tarvaris Jackson.

What Did You Think Was Going To Happen?

I've never worked in talent management, but I often think I could do it better than some of the people who have decided to do it for a living. All it requires is a little common sense to make sure that you are putting your talent in front of an audience that would actually be interested in seeing that person perform, because if you attempt to force someone who is a square peg into a crowd of round holes no one is going to walk away happy. Yet, talent managers are constantly trying to make that work, often with really bad results. Over the weekend, the Insane Clown Posse had their annual festival, which they call the "Gathering of the Juggalos." (For those of you who don't know who the Insane Clown Posse are, it's a sort of rap/rock group and their hook is that they dress like clowns and their songs are extremely vulgar and violent. They were mildly popular for about 10 minutes in the late-90s.) Anyway, this year the organizer's for some reason invited reality-star Tia Tequila to the festival and, in an even bigger mystery, Ms. Tequila accepted their offer. I can only imagine she needed the money. Tequila took about three steps on stage before the Juggalos (which is what the Posse has nicknamed their fans) started throwing things are her, tossing anything they could get their hands on. At one point Tequila was hit in the face with a rock and has now threatened to sue to organizers of the event, hoping to bankrupt them and thus ensure this was the last "Gathering of the Juggalos."

The person who I think needs to be sued here is whoever manages Tia Tequila. I don't know what he/she was thinking when they made this arrangement, but four seconds of research would have told them this was a bad idea. You remember those really quiet, anti-establishment kids in high school who no one really messed with because deep down everyone assumed they were kind of nuts? Those are the people that make up 90% of an Insane Clown Posse crowd. Putting a wannabe pop-starlet like Tia Tequila in front of them was like throwing a lamb to the wolves. I honestly can not think of any reason that her managers would expect a positive result out of her appearance there. I mean, really, did the her manager think that Tequila's album sales were going to spike and all the Juggalos would run out and buy her album because of this? These are not the people who listen to her music. (I actually don't know any kind of people who listen to her music, but that's another topic for another day.) It reminded me of the time that Ashlee Simpson's father (who was also her manager), scheduled her to perform at halftime of a bowl game. Putting a fake popstar in front of 95,000 football fans who are definitely not her demographic, hate her music and will probably violently react to her presence because they are drunk? What could possibly go wrong there? People like Tia Tequila and Ashlee Simpson should stick to appearances like mall openings and quasi-celebrity reality shows. Trust me, it'll be better for everyone involved.

-Speaking of things that are not going to end well, let me go on record now as saying the Denver Nuggets need to trade Carmelo Anthony as soon as they get a decent offer. Anthony will be a free agent following this season and even though he has has a lucrative contract offer on the table (with a lockout and restructured salary cap looming for the NBA, the contract is for more money than anyone thinks Anthony will be able to get in free agency), Anthony hasn't signed and actually went the other way, putting his Denver-area house on the market. NBA insiders think Carmelo wants to end up on the Knicks, but I don't think the Nuggets necessarily have to trade him there. They don't have any responsibility to get Anthony to the team of his choosing, they're only responsibility is making sure they get something for him, because if the Toronto Raptors have taught us anything over the past year it's that you can't change an NBA player's mind and you'd better get something in return for them. Don't get into a staring contest with interested teams and then watch as the trading deadline passes with Carmelo still in Nugget's uniform. While it would probably annoy the Nugget fans they'll be a lot more annoyed it Carmelo leaves after the season and they have a giant hole in their lineup. He wants out and it appears he is leaving one way or the other, so you have to get something in return or it could push the franchise back for years to come. Just ask the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Just To Be Equal, You're An Idiot

The other day Miami Dolphins wide receiver Brandon Marshall was interviewed about the possibility of an NFL lockout for the 2011 season and said that if that happened he would simply go to the NBA and play for the Nuggets or Heat. (Cue heavy sigh.) Ok, since I crapped all over LeBron for saying he thought he could play in the NFL, in the interest of fairness I have to go the other way and inform Marshall that he is a giant jackass. First off, the NBA is also probably facing a lockout in 2011 (oh yeah, the winter of 2011 could suck), so Marshall is as oblivious as he is egotistical. Even though he hasn't played organized ball since before college, Brandon thinks he could make the jump to the NBA because he was a letter-winner in high school. Oh, well, when you have credentials like that, who am I to argue? What Marshall needs to do is go and take a look at the number of great college players who never even get drafted. We're talking about players who were not only letterman in high school, but some of them went on to be the best in their college conferences and they still didn't get a contract in the league. It should drive home the point that those who make the league, even the 15th men on 14-man rosters, are unbelievable skilled at what they do. Brian Scalabrine would school Brandon Marshall's ass on a basketball court.

Now, I get why Marshall thinks he can play ball. At 6'4" he is tall for an NFL wideout and as such his teams have run plays where the quarterback simply throws the ball up in the air to the back of the endzone and watches as Marshall comes down with it. I'm also sure that whenever he goes out and plays against all the other wideouts on the Dolphins or Broncos he lights them up and scores 30 points. The problem for him comes from the fact that 6'4" isn't tall in the NBA and those guys can leap out of the building. (Point of reference: at 6'9" Jonathan Ogden was often referred to as a "mountain of a lineman", while 6'8" Luke Harangody was deemed too small to play power forward in the NBA.) He'd be undersized at almost any position in the NBA, save for point guard, and I think the NBA guards would salivate at the the idea of him running point. I would put the over/under on his turnovers a game at 10, still take the over and my guess is that he would get maybe one rebound a game, which would be purely by accident. While the transition is from basketball to football is not an easy one, it is the more common of the two. Antonio Gates was a decent college basketball who turned himself into an elite NFL tight end because he couldn't hack it as a professional basketball player. It's easier to dominate a physical game like football with the pure athleticism that you need to play basketball than it is to try to bully guys in basketball like you can on the football field.

Now, Marshall isn't the first NFL wideout to make this claim. Terrell Owens once famously said that everyone referred to him as the "Michael Jordan of football." No, T.O., they don't. I follow basketball and football about as closely as a human can and I've heard exactly zero people use that nickname. Unfortunately, people like T.O and Marshall were given more of a reason to think this transition is realistic when a team of Owens, Gates and Donovan McNabb beat a team of Kenny Smith, Rick Fox and Hakeem Olajuwon on a recent episode of Pros vs Joes. What T.O. will forever fail to grasp is that Fox, Olajuwon and Smith are all long-retired from the NBA and have a combined age of about 150. If you were to take three NBA vets who are still playing and have that rematch and the outcome will be vastly different. What guys like Marshall and T.O. need to do is take a step back and see how disrespectful it is to the people who have played basketball everyday of their life to assume you could do what they do as well as them just by showing up. I'm sure they would get pissed if the Dolphins or Bengals let Kobe Bryant come in for a tryout, so perhaps a little bit of self-awareness is in order. Unfortunately, when talking about the new breed of diva wide receivers that the NFL keeps churning out lately, self-awareness is not one of the first traits that come to mind.

Man Up

I'm sure by now you've seen the video of the guy who was trying to catch a foul ball at an Astros game the other night, only to duck out of the way at the last minute and allow the ball to plunk his (now ex-) girlfriend square the forearm. At first this kid tried to play it off as though he lost it in the lights (oldest excuse in baseball), only to later add in another interview that, "I didn't want to get hit in the face with a baseball." Dude, you should have quit while you were behind. While no one would have believed that you lost the ball in the lights (considering you weren't looking up and the lights are aimed at the field and not the stands that argument was pretty much shot to hell before you even finished saying it), most guys still wouldn't have gotten on you too badly. It's part of the code: We won't crap on each other too badly if one of us is humiliated on national television in a situation that could easily have happened to any guy... unless we are collectively given a reason the torment must be extended. Frankly, you were already pressing your luck between the sideways cap, the Chinese symbol hat, huge elastic bracelet and lip ring. Admitting that you deserted your woman to save your own face was not going to make you look any better. In fact, the only way you could have looked worse was if you had a brought a baseball glove to the game and still ducked out of the way. Of course you don't want to get hit in the face with a baseball - nobody would. But sometimes you just take one for the team. Now you have a face with no bruise, but no girlfriend to go along with it.

Now look, I'm not going to sit here and try to come across like I'm sort of super-macho man, because I'm not. I don't really like conflict and if you ask me to look at your engine and tell you what is wrong with it, when I lift the hood I may as well be staring at an exposed human brain. However, the one thing I'm good at are the protection details. Dude, it's not that hard. You just have to do the little things like make sure when the two of you are out, you walk on the street side, so that on the off chance a car jumps the curb it has to go through you to get to her. (Yes, ladies, we actually think like this.) It's the little gestures that go the longest distance. Perhaps the two best pieces of advice I can give you are these: 1. Don't try to catch a baseball with your body. I field like Edward Scissorhands and even I know that's a recipe for disaster and 2. If you can't catch (and clearly you can't) you should I do what I do and save up until you can afford seats that aren't prime foul-ball territory. Take the situation completely out of the equation. This isn't like Fenway where good seats are going to run you $125 apiece. Down at Minute Man Park you can sit behind home plate for $53 and the way the Astros are playing this season I can almost guarantee that they have tickets available. The seats they were in cost $39 each. That means this guy could have spent $28 extra and saved himself what will easily be a lifetime of grief from his friends. Perhaps you could put the money you saved towards a membership on Match.com.

-Here's one from the "Of Course" files: a couple days ago I mentioned how Jets Coach Rex Ryan stole the show on the season debut of Hard Knocks by being loud, cocky and foul-mouthed. So, of course, the very next day Ryan felt compelled (actually, my guess is that the Jets made him feel compelled) to come out and apologize for being so foul-mouthed. This is the kind of thing that drives me crazy. I understand that if you are watching a live game on basic broadcast TV sometimes the microphones can get a little too close to the sidelines and pick up coaches swearing. When that happens it probably is necessary to apologize, given that kids could be watching. But when you're on HBO at 10 o'clock on a Wednesday night and there is a parental warning right before the broadcast specifically for language, then I don't think you have anything to apologize for. People can't get offended when there is swearing on a show that warns you there will be a lot of swearing. If people still felt like they should complain then we should just do away with parental warnings, because they obviously aren't effective. Ryan said his mother was actually the one that was most shocked by his language, but I find it hard to believe any woman who has been married to a football coach for 50 years and raised another two would be offended by some swearing. I just hope that this doesn't lead Ryan to tone down his act because he was starting to look like a TV star in the making.

What If I Just Tell You What I Don't Want?

Despite what people may think given my food history, I actually like Mexican food. (Really, what is not to like about food made mostly of tortillas, cheese, meat and lettuce?) The thing is that I like mild Mexican food and my idea of spicy is another person's idea of extremely mild. This means my idea of mild is never easy to come by and that is why Mexican is never my first choice when ordering out. I found the key to getting mild Mexican food is to avoid adding anything with peppers, which unfortunately for me, happens to be the key ingredient in a lot of toppings. So what I do is try to get my food with minimal toppings. The problem arises because this makes me the exception to the rule and as a result people in the food service industry seem to get annoyed with me when I don't order a lot of toppings. You would think that this would put me in their favor, because I'm actually making their job easier, but no. No where is this clearer than Chipotle, which for those of you who have never been, is a gourmet burrito-on-the-go chain of stores. (I feel compelled to point out this is not a Chipotle-only phenomenon. A guy in Subway once got downright hostile that I only wanted a tuna sub with lettuce and didn't want my roll toasted.) Anyway, the way it works in Chipotle is that you go in, order your base burrito and then slowly work down the counter with the server as he asks you what you want in your burrito. Usually my conversation goes like this:

Server: You want rice?
Me: Yes, please.
Server: Cheese?
Me: Yeah.
Server: Salsa?
Me: Nope.
Server (surprised): Green peppers?
Me: No thanks.
Server (confused): Red onions?
Me: No.
Server (slightly annoyed): Beans?
Me: Nope.
Server (fully annoyed): Guacamole?
Me: No, thank you.

It is at this point my food and I are sent away under their scornful eye. I can only imagine it is because the server would prefer it if I just went ahead and cut them off by telling them what I want for toppings instead of them having to go through the list. I would be more than happy to do that for you, food service workers of America, but you appear to have a nice rhythm going and I don't want to interrupt that. Not to mention I don't have the entire menu memorized like you do and I would hate to be three bites in before I notice that I forgot to ask for sour cream. The good news for you is that I usually tip well. Just put up with me for the two minutes it takes and you will be richly rewarded.

Five Tidbits On A Friday

-There was an article in this morning's Boston Globe talking about how the wet spring and warm summer have combined to create a stronger crop of poison ivy this year. While this is obviously not something that should be considered a good development for humanity, I would like to think it at least saves my reputation slightly. You may remember it was only a couple of months ago that a bout with the devil weed landed me in the emergency room and having a plant force you to go to a hospital is not a particularly macho moment in any man's life. It's just nice to know that I am not the only one who had to bring out the heavy artillery to fight back.

-Speaking of that lovely time I spent in quarantine, it has forever changed my views on all leaves. Even though I think I know what poison ivy looks like, because I didn't see any on the day I obviously got covered in it I'm never again going to be 100%, absolutely sure of what I'm standing in ever again. Basically I can't trust a pile of leaves. So yesterday when I was golfing and hit into a patch of woods between the two fairways I took about one step in, saw green leaves, took one step right back out and took a drop in the fairway. I didn't even bother to look for my golf ball. Screw it, I can get three for a dollar at Play It Again Sports. Even that one step was probably one too many, because any itch I've had since that step I'm fully convinced is the beginnings of a brand-new outbreak. Not a fun way to go through the rest of the summer.

-Here's a prime example of why I love that you can customize Google News to have a section on the webpage devoted to just your hometown: This morning I was checking the latest happenings in the world. For the most part it was nothing new - Lindsey Lohan is in rehab, the Gulf Oil spill is remaining capped and a crazy person who randomly stabbed a bunch of people was arrested. That was the National News section. Under the Norwood news? A local article that basically pointed out, "Boy, there sure are a lot of barbers in Norwood." See, we only break the important news around these parts.

-There are few things in life that can get me to change the channel faster while watching a Patriots game than hearing the words, "Brian Hoyer now in at quarterback." When the backups go in the game is essentially over and I can search for other entertainment. The only people still watching are the family members of the guys fighting to make a roster. Every year seeing this reminds me how unfair it is that the Patriots still charge full price for preseason tickets. At the start of the second quarter Gillette looked like a ghost town, but you know damn well those people who left didn't get to pay any less for parking than they would have it was the AFC Championship game.

-The only good thing about the Patriot starters getting pulled when they did was that it worked out perfectly, timing-wise, for me to change over to ESPN and watch Jimmy Clausen's debut for the Carolina Panthers. Here's my official review of his performance: eh. He didn't play great, he didn't play poorly. Much like I said about the NBA summer league a couple of weeks ago, it's good if you play well in the preseason, but you kinda are supposed to. He was going against Baltimore's second string and as such you can't really give him too high of a grade. I didn't expect Clausen to be the Opening Day starter for the Panthers before the game and considering Matt Moore played just fine and didn't get hurt, my expectations didn't change. I do expect Clausen to be in at some point this season, but Moore is going to really have to screw up in the next two games for that to happen sooner rather than later.

Don't Ignore Experience

I admit, I am not the world's greatest chef. Here's the list of things I make well: cheeseburgers, steaks, pasta, omelets, rice, chicken, pudding and French toast. As you can tell, I pretty much only know how to make things I would want to eat myself. (I'm also quite good at ice cream sundaes and chicken cesar wraps, but I feel like those should be categorized more as 'assembling' than anything else.) If you request a dinner that consists of anything beyond those ingredients there is going to be a lot of staring at cook books and guessing on my part, along with a very good chance your meal will arrive slightly over or under-done. I'm more than willing to try and cook dinner for you, but I am much better when you make something that I can then re-heat later and serve to you on a fresh plate. I am a master of presentation. However, if you insist that I make you something, what I really appreciate during either cooking or re-heating are specific instructions. None of this "microwave for about a minute" junk, because I find that to be unnecessarily vague in this day and age. It isn't like I'm heating over an open fire and being forced to guess if something is getting enough direct heat on both sides; I'm using a microwave with a digital keypad and a countdown clock that allows me to heat something evenly and for precisely how long is required. It'll even alert me from across the room when it's done.

We have a level of technology now that allows for specificity, so let's take advantage. (Plus, I take umbrage to the notion that all microwaves are created differently, thus the power levels in them are different and cooking time should be adjusted on a microwave-by-microwave basis. Unless you bought your microwave back in the 1980s before the technology was perfected or from some brand no one had ever heard of before or since, the high setting is the high setting.) You can tell me on the number how long something needs to cook all the way through and I can be sure to hit that number every time. That is why I love it when I get directions for a frozen dinner and they say, "Heat on high for 43 seconds." What that tells me is someone sat down in a lab somewhere and played around with their microwave to arrive at such a specific number, because that is not a number you would normally put down in directions. Don't ask me why, but we humans like the numbers in our directions to end in zero or a five, so landing on an odd number couldn't be an accident or a typo, it has to be science. As such I never mess around and input my own number, which would be an affront to all the hard trial-and-error work put in by the good people in food development. Honestly, food directions are the one thing that no one ever seems to want to stick to. I'm sure just as much work went into figuring them out as went into figuring out that certain clothes should be 'Dry Clean Only', but one label is held sacred while the other is only glanced at. And you wonder why your chicken nuggets come out soggy.

-So, last night was the season premiere of HBO's annual NFL show, Hard Knocks. For those of you who haven't seen it, basically HBO is granted unbelievable access behind the scenes at an NFL training camp and they document everything that happens for the four weeks to show viewers how an NFL roster is formed. It always ends up being one of the most entertaining shows on television. They pick a different team each year so it doesn't get repetitive and invariably I end up rooting for either the team or at least the various players at the back of the roster. The problem is that this year the team happens to the New York Jets, who I just can't root for because they share a division with the Patriots. And this team, feature attention-hogs like Jason Taylor and LaDanian Tomlinson, should be especially easy to dislike. However, I have to admit that one episode in I'm starting to be swayed by Rex Ryan, who is the Jets' head coach. He's a big, brash and loud guy who curses like a drunken sailor... in other words, he's exactly what you want a head football coach to be. Something tells me that if he was coaching almost anywhere else I would be a big fan of this guy. I do, however, feel bad for whoever is working as an audio editor for the NFL Network, because they like to re-air the show later in the season and that poor person is going to have a hell of a time cutting Ryan's audio down to anything that could air on a basic cable station.

That Was Ill-Advised

Apparently this clip is a couple months old, but it has just now landed in my inbox. And since seeing people fall is always funny, I thought I would share it with you.



Ok, here's the main question that I have for these ladies: if you are not capable of performing a simple lay-up, what on earth made you assume you could pull-off a complicated Harlem Globetrotter-esque human step-stool move?

Don't Blink Or You'll Miss It

I'm noticing that more and more TV programs, specifically sports talk shows like Pardon The Interruption, are adding this little wrinkle where they show a quick cut-in during a commercial break to give you a "live" look back into the studio. It's usually only about 10 seconds and most of the time it either gives you an idea of what the studio hosts were talking about through the break, is a shot of the hosts receiving instructions from the producer through their earpieces (because two people listening to a person off-screen who you can't hear makes for riveting TV) or sometimes you can get an early look at who the guest during the next segment is going to be. I assume if you ask them the producers would tell you the cut-ins serve as a window into the world of TV, but if forced to give an honest answer those same producers would probably have to admit the cut-ins true purpose in life is to keep you watching through the commercials and not flipping around. The thing is that they are rarely worth sticking around for; they are never particularly interesting, they don't add much to the production and therefore I really wish the stupid things weren't so damn effective on me.

I always stick around and yet I couldn't give you a truly good reason as to why I want to see these stupid little cut-in. Actually, scratch that, I know exactly why I always hang around for the cut-in: there could be one time where they'll have the cut-in and the shot will be of the hosts on their phones, frantically scribbling as everyone runs around trying to create new graphics as they prepare to come back from commercial and blow the lid off of some huge breaking news story. But that has not happened so far and if I were a betting man I would guess it will never happen. Still, it would suck if that did happen and that was the one time I wasn't watching. Because that doubt hangs in the back of my mind, I actually have found myself about to change the channel to see if there is something better going on somewhere else, but then catching myself and hanging around to make sure I don't miss the cut-in. This is extremely stupid behavior on my part. I wish I could make an excuse and say that it hearkens back to the days when I was working in TV production, but I never worked on a show that was interesting enough to warrant cut-ins. The only excuse I have left is that I am nosey. But, seeing as how these cut-ins are popping up on other shows, at least I can be comforted in the knowledge that I can't be the only one.

-Everyone else has weighed in on the flight attendant who went a little nutty yesterday, so here's my two cents: as long as he waited until the plane was on the ground to open the door I don't really have a problem with it. Yes, he probably caused big delays for the plane in getting back to the terminal and therefore screwed up the connecting flights for a couple of passengers, which was a dick move considering not everyone on board was being difficult. That being said, here's the main reason I'm on that guy's side: having worked in customer service I know that the customer is not always right. In fact, most of the time not only is the customer wrong, but they're wrong at the top of their voice. But at least when the customer is wrong in retail you only have to put up with them for a few minutes, try to make them satisfied enough so they'll go away and then once they leave you can spend the rest of the afternoon commiserating with co-workers on what a toolbox that person was. However, when you're on a plane with them you have literally nowhere to go. You're stuck with them for hours at a time. Now, if you don't have the patience to put up with people like that for extended periods of time, perhaps being a flight attendant isn't the best career move for you. But, this guy had been at it for years, so my guess is that this passenger was just particularly bad. (Seriously, if you made a guy who's been doing this for that long snap like that perhaps you need to take a long look in the mirror, lady.) So yeah the guy will get fired, but the passenger should be in some trouble as well.

You're Going The Wrong Way

-I was just reading about the prisoner who escaped from a jail in Arizona last week only to be captured in Wyoming this morning. Now before I go any further I want to be clear on something: while I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to do anything that ever lands me in jail, I'm extremely confident in saying that if I did ever ended up there I would not be able to pull off an escape, so clearly these guys are better criminals than me. That being said, if you were to escape from a jail in Arizona, wouldn't you head for Mexico instead of Canada? Seriously, you're already pretty much there. If you believe Fox News there is practically a class on how to cross the US border from Mexico, so going the opposite way should be fairly easy. It's like living in Pennsylvania, deciding you want to swim in the ocean and heading for the Pacific. I don't care if you don't do well in heat, at that moment you should take whatever option is closest.

-I get very frustrated when I see a situation in which everyone agrees there is a problem and even though that situation may have an easy fix no one is willing to step forward to force people to work together on a solution. I'm talking, of course, about the fact that you can't buy Beatles music on iTunes. Over the weekend Yoko Ono told people they, "shouldn't hold their breath" waiting for Beatles music to appear in the iStore. Do you have any idea how annoying that is? Seriously, I could go on right now and buy all the Go West I could ever want, but no Beatles. Does that seem like something that should be happening in 2010? I'm sure that like all other thing, the main sticking point holding up negotiations is money. Well, iTunes should just pay whatever the people controlling the Beatles music want, because I'm sure they'll make their money back and then some. Honestly, let me get these people in a room together - I'll have this straightened out in no time.

-Recently the NBA announced that they would be holding a couple of regular season games in London this season. Even though I have contended for a while that the NFL should stop trying to cram football down the throats of Europeans and simultaneously pissing off their own fans, I think this is much better marketing idea for the NBA. First off, basketball is a global game, with leagues of some kind being played at various levels all over the world and therefore people might actually know what the hell is going on during the games they watch. Secondly, this isn't like a 16-game schedule with every game having serious implications; there are 82 games in an NBA season and even the players would tell you they don't really start playing hard until April. No one is going to notice or even care all that much if you take the Nets and Raptors and make them play in London for a week in March. As long as the Heat/Cavalier and Heat/Laker games are on TV none of the diehards will complain too much.

-Every year when I glance at the Hall of Fame game (even I think early August is too early to sit down and watch an entire football game), I watch the interviews with the players who were just inducted and I always come away with the same thought: man, those Hall of Fame Jackets are ugly. Honestly, these guys have sacrificed their bodies for years; suffering injuries that are most likely going to end up taking years off the back end of their lives, and what do they get for being the best at their chosen profession? A bust that never looks anything like them and yellow jacket that your wife wouldn't let you buy if you picked it out in a store. Nothing we can do about the busts, but there has to be a better looking jacket they could start handing out.

You're A Star Now

I remember two things about being in L.A. and walking down Hollywood Boulevard and the Walk of Fame: first was a group of Asian tourists going insane when they found Michael Jackson's star, to the point you would have thought the man himself was there, and the other was that people were constantly bumping into one another as they walked on the street because everyone was looking down to read the names and never bothered to glance where they were going. Overall, I would have to categorize it as an underwhelming experience. Still, every time someone is given a star on Hollywood Boulevard they make it seem like such a big deal. Personally, I think we should hold off on the celebration for a minute until a couple of things are cleared up. First off, the honor is diminished when you find out that it isn't that hard to get a star. All you really need is $25,000 (for "creating, installing and maintenance of the star") and someone to nominate you. Anyone can do the nominating, including fans. There is not even any kind of committee to check your career achievements - as long as someone has enough pull to get your name on the list and you've got the cash, a star can be yours. When you stop and think about it, it does seem convenient that several actors have received their stars just as a new movie was about to open up.

Also, like all things in life you must think about location, location, location. What part of the street and in front of what business your star is going to be placed should be a factor. For example, if you make the big time and are in front of the iconic Grauman's Chinese Theatre then you, my friend, are a star amongst the stars. But if you're eight blocks away in front of a Starbucks and some crappy street performer is stepping on your name everyday then clearly you should have chosen your projects more carefully. Also, who your neighbors are could put a damper on the receiving a star. If you find yourself placed somewhere between Marilyn Monroe and Laurence Olivier you are obviously in a good neighborhood. But, as I already said, it's not as hard to get a star as you would imagine, so there are some real duds out there. (Go ahead and peruse the complete list for yourself and you'll see what I mean.) The last thing you would want it to be forever immortalized between David Spade and Godzilla. [Editor's note: I have no idea if those stars are even remotely near each other.] So, if they ever come to you and say they want to give you a star on the Walk of Fame make sure to find out how far down the list they had to go before they got to your name and also where they want to put your star before you start bragging about it to everyone you know.

-I had to chuckle when I read Albert Haynesworth apparently passed his conditioning test in the pre-dawn hours Saturday morning, well before any media showed up. This was unlike his previous attempts which took place for everyone to see and the results were leaked to the media before the stopwatch was put away. Something tells me he passed his conditioning test the same way bad drivers get their licenses - eventually the instructors get tired of seeing them and passes them simply to get them out of their hair. It was stupid to make Haynesworth pass a 300 yard shuttle drill anyway because he's a defensive tackle - he won't run 300 yards in a game. This is especially true in the 3-4 defense the Redskins want to play, in which case he's only going to run a yard at a time and be expected to absorb punishment. I get that new coach Mike Shanahan wanted to show Haynesworth who the boss was after Haynesworth was the only player who refused to do offseason workouts, and Shanahan had the court of public opinion on his side. But if this had gone on much longer public opinion would have swayed and people would have started to feel like Haynesworth was being picked on. Better to let him 'pass' the test and get back to practicing, because Haynesworth's play will be the main thing that determines whether or not Shanahan's Redskin tenure is a success.

He Keeps Coming Back

Let me paint you a picture: let's say you worked at a company that had a very good reputation within its industry, but it had hit a bit of a rough patch. The company was doing alright, but not as well as it used to and not as well as everyone else in the industry seems to think it should have been doing. So, the owner of the company decides to hire a new executive. This executive is coming from another company that also isn't doing so great, but no one thinks it was that guy's fault. At the first meeting you discover that the new executive is extremely charming guy: everyone completely buys in to his ideas and thinks that this is the guy to get the company back on the right track. The problems start a couple months later when it becomes clear the new executive doesn't have any idea how to execute the plans he laid out. The executive tells you all the company needs is some new personnel to make his vision into a reality and starts hiring new salespeople from other companies; except all he seems to be hiring are the salespeople nobody else wanted and, to make matters worse, he's giving them huge bonuses. The company starts to slide even further away from its glory days and goes from doing alright to doing horribly. What's worse, the executive keeps mortgaging the future to try and make an immediate profit, only his moves keeps sending the situation from bad to worse. All the while he's firing bright, young salespeople so he can hire more overpriced salespeople no one else wanted.

Just when everyone thinks the situation can't get any worse, executive gets caught up in a horrible scandal. He's caught embezzling money and has to have a lengthy trial, during which a lot of unsavory and embarrassing details come out. He sends your company to a level lower than people thought you could ever fall to. At this point most of your loyal customers decided they have had enough and stop doing business with you. They want nothing to do with you as long as that executive is around. In a last-ditch effort to prove that he wasn't an idiot to hire the executive, the owner of the company puts the executive in charge of production. While he's not as much of a disaster at this position, he still can't even start to fulfill the promises he made when first hired. Also, it doesn't bring back your loyal customers; many of whom have started to do business with the company down the street who used to be a laughingstock in comparison to your company. Finally the owner can't hide his mistake anymore and fires the executive. This day is generally hailed as the best day your company has had in a long time. The owner then brings in a old, wise executive who has been doing this for a very long time and has a long-term plan, but his first couple of years mostly have to be spent undoing all the terrible work that last guy did. Still, everything appears to at least be heading back in the right direction. The problem is that the owner still has a soft spot for that terrible executive. So, after a couple of years have passed and things are starting to look up, he decides that people would probably not notice if that guy was brought back. So, even though the executive is now doing a piss-poor job at a much smaller company, the owner re-hires him as a consultant to evaluate and hire new salespeople (in other words, the jobs he was fired from just two years earlier). That bad executive now has two jobs, neither of which he is particularly good at.

Could you imagine that ever actually happening or a company being owned by someone that stupid? Well, this week it did. The bad executive was Isiah Thomas, the owner was James Dolan and the company was the New York Knicks. Just two years after being run out of town as the worst executive in history, Thomas was brought back as a consultant and talent evaluator. There can be only three reasons Dolan would even consider this move: either he was dropped on his head as a child, Thomas has incriminating photos of him, or Dolan literally hates his own fans. There can be no other reason. I have never been happier to not be a Knick fan than I am right now. For three years they were promised that they would be getting LeBron James and Chris Bosh in free agency. They ended up with Amare Stoudemire: a man with a bad knee, questionable defensive skills and who won't be playing with an elite point guard for the first time in his career (but at least they didn't give him $20 million a year... oh, wait, they totally did). And now Thomas, the man who ran the franchise into the ground, is back in the fold. He's supposedly being brought in to court players like Carmelo Anthony, which should pretty much guarantee Anthony never signs with the Knicks. I've said before that one of the reasons I love sports is that there is a reason behind everything: nothing happens without a cause. Well, if Knick fans want to know why you continue to sink as a franchise, it's because you are owned by a man like James Dolan. There is nothing worse than being stuck with a bad owner, because it's not like they can be fired. You're only hope is that he goes bankrupt before he puts Isiah in charge of Madison Square Garden, otherwise the Knicks are going to end up playing at some outdoor court by the river.