An Alarming Discovery

Some of you may remember a few months ago when I discovered that for almost four years I had been driving a car with a remote starter already installed without ever knowing it. Since I am apparently not very curious by nature, it was only after I thought I would be able to open the broken back door of my truck with it that I took the time to press the blue button on my car's remote hard enough to see what it actually did and was very surprised when the door remain closed but the engine came on. It was a very pleasant discovery, but not at all what I was expecting or going for. Well, much like Christopher Columbus, a couple of weeks ago I continued on my journey of discovering things by accident.

In all the time I have owned my SUV, I have never once pressed the red panic button. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. In fact, considering I went the first 30 years of my life without having to call 911 I would say it is a testament to how boring and normal my life is. Also, this probably comes from the fact I heard my previous car's alarm way too often. My last Explorer came with an alarm that was way too sensitive and I could never figure out how to adjust the settings or turn it off. Thus a basketball off the bumper, a strong breeze or any level of contact in between would make the sirens start blaring as if the car was being broken into by a whole gang of car thieves. The alarm system surrounding the Crown Jewels wish they were this good. By comparison my Mountaineer has been as pleasant and quiet as I could have hoped for. To be honest, I had moments where I doubted the car even had an alarm. At least, that was the case until I was in a parking lot a couple weeks ago and accidentally hit the panic button while putting my keys away. That was the first time I ever heard this car's alarm and I have to say: it was kind of disappointing.

My previous car alarm had been the same standard-issue alarm that had been put into every vehicle that rolled off the line in the mid-90s: the lights would start blinking as the horn went off, followed by a piercing noise that only got louder like a slide-whistle on crack, then a few back-and-forth screams like a European cop car and finally some sharp buzzes. I'm sure that you've all heard this alarm a thousand times. (In fact, I'm willing to bet most of you are hearing it in your head right now.) Well, my new alarm is much more subtle. It is just a quick line of halfhearted and subtle honks, almost as though it is trying not to make a scene. The best way to describe it would be that it sounds like the horn on the steering wheel is being punched, rapid-fire, by the world's weakest human being. It's discreet, which is a good quality to have most of the time, but not when you are trying to scare away people who intend to rob you. I mean if there was ever a time you want to people to look in your direction, that is it.

Now, I'm not saying I want to go back to the point where my car alarm is going off all the time. I'm just saying that should it need to go off I want it to be bad-ass. My last alarm was loud, obnoxious and definitely attention grabbing, which is what you want if someone is trying to steal your car. My new alarm is way too polite for what it is supposed to be doing. It is more, "Excuse me, but I don't think you're my owner, so you really shouldn't be doing this. Oh, all right. I guess I'm your car now." I'm not sure people will hear it and even if they do it probably won't cause them to investigate the situation. I want something that is going to cause people to look over, even if it is just out of annoyance. I mean, I'm all for not bothering people but not if it means I will end up walking home.