The Price Is Wrong

I've always had a quiet desire to be on a game show. Specifically, I want to be on "Cash Cab". I think that it is the perfect level of game show for me: the questions are easier than "Jeopardy", the prizes money is low enough that you wouldn't feel the intense pressure of "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire" and you wouldn't get the scrutiny from people back home should you be unable to figure out a puzzle, because everyone thinks they are a "Wheel Of Fortune" master from the comfort of their own living room. As an added bonus, even if you get three questions wrong and get kicked out of the cab at least you got a free ride out of the deal. I've even got my strategy for finding the cab at the ready should I find myself in New York City anytime soon. But, I will tell you one game show that I hope I never find myself on - "The Price is Right." Because if today was any indication, I should never be left alone to guess the prices of items.

Recently my parents cleaned out some room in their pantry. During the reshuffling process they discovered a few household items that they decided were never going to get used ever again. (In the case of a couple of them it is dicey as to whether they were ever used in the first place.) Among the items were a pasta maker, two ice cream makers (turns out that you can actually buy those items in a store for not that much money and a whole lot less aggravation than it takes to make them yourself), as well as a few miscellaneous pots, pans and other containers. Rather than box them up for a yard sale that may or may not ever happen, they decided to simply donate them to the local Salvation Army. I figured I would help them out by bringing the box down to the donation center, but that is where the issue started. You see, the guy at the receiving door just gives you a blank sheet and tells you to write down the items and conditions of the stuff and then at the bottom you write an estimated value of your donation. The sheet is already signed, so it's not like they check your math. It's all very laid-back and vague, which was my problem.

I'm a man who needs specifics - I think too much when left to my own devices. This is why when I cook something I like the recipe to be as detailed as possible. I was full of questions. [Sidebar: Don't worry, the following questions were only asked in my head. I could tell the kid clearly wasn't interested and wouldn't have been able to answer them if I had asked.] Did they mean the value of it now, or when it was bought? What if it was bought many years ago but never opened, does that factor in? A couple of these appear to have been bought in the early 80s, so am I required to adjust for inflation? Are we talking how much the Salvation Army would be able to get when they sell it? Along those same lines, I would imagine an ice cream maker is a seasonal item and it's winter, so should I figure in a sales price or would you wait until spring to put it out on the rack? Or did they mean I should write down how much I think I would be able to get if I sold this stuff myself? Some of you guys might remember my yard sale policy: just go. Pay whatever you feel like, I clearly don't want this stuff anymore. So, if this was a yard sale I'd most likely sell the whole box for a grand total of $12. None of the answers to my questions were on the paper.

The bottom line is that I could have put any number in here and it wouldn't have mattered, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna be one of those people who lies about the value of my charitable contributions. First off, I'm the kind of guy whose taxes get randomly pulled for an audit. Secondly, exaggerating about how much you give to charity is just an invitation for karma to come and kick you in the balls. In the end I probably went a little high with how much I thought everything was worth, but not nearly as much as some of the other people who donation sheets I saw. (Really lady, you think your old TV is worth $500? You can get a brand-new flat-screen for less than that.) This experience reminded me that I am really bad at knowing how much I should be paying for stuff. Perhaps this is why I'm so awful at haggling. Either way, just remember to have your pets spayed or neutered.