Let's Find Out Together...

This afternoon I decided to take in a screening of the "Sherlock Holmes" sequel. Even though most of the reviews were saying that this wasn't much more than a carbon copy of the first movie, I figured it was safe for viewing because I actually liked the previous Holmes movie. To put it another way, even if the second batch of cookies isn't as good as the first one, at the end of the day you still end up with a plate of cookies. First allow me to offer my quick review: Not bad. A little too long, a little too reliant on the super-slow-motion action sequences which were a staple of the first film and not nearly as clever as the first one, but still more entertaining than most. I remember worrying that the first film was going to be too much like an action-movie to include a proper Sherlock Holmes mystery and then being pleasantly surprised when it turned out that it had several clever little twists to keep people interested. Apparently, they wasted all the good twists in the first movie, because part 2 is pretty much a straight-up action flick. It's not a bad movie, but it is simply not as good as the original.

However, as often happens when I go to the movies, the real action was taking place not on the screen but in the theater around me. You can tell the movie had been in the theaters for a couple of weeks, as we were located in the smallest room furthest from the entrance. And I do mean small. There were only 10 rows in the entire theater and only 6 of them were stadium-style seating - I didn't even know they made movies theaters this small anymore. Not that it was crowded. We were in the very last row and shared the place with 9 other people, two of whom came in after the movie had started and landed at the far right end of our row. However, that location clearly wasn't good enough for them, because after about ten minutes they decided to head to the opposite side of the row, meaning they had to cut in front of us. Normally this wouldn't bother me at the movies, but when there are only 10 people in a room I happen to believe that no one's views should ever be obstructed. They landed just a couple seats over to my left and, you guessed it, they were chatty.

I understand that people who talk during movies are always going to be a hazard. What I want is for people to pick a lane. Either talk all the time so I know to get up and move, or be quiet for long enough stretches of time that I can safely assume you just wanted to make one point to the person you were with and will be quiet from here on out. But what these two were doing was actually the most annoying thing of all: they were talking in bursts - trying to guess what was going to come next by recapping what had just happened. They would be quiet as the scene went on, but as soon as any scene with dialog would end I could hear one of them explaining to the other what had just happened and then they would guess at how the movie was going to end. Now, since they clearly didn't help to write this thing, they wouldn't be finished with this prognostication by the time the next scene started and continue to talk over the first few moments of dialog. Also, they were at an annoying volume. Either talk so loudly that I can yell at you without looking like a jerk or be so quiet that you don't bother anyone else. These two were talking just loud enough to be obnoxious, but no so loud as to get themselves ejected. It was a masterful stroke of distraction.

The thing is, it is not like they were ever going to figure the movie out. If you saw the first "Sherlock Holmes" than you know how this works: the film show you several things that may or may not mean anything in the grand scheme and it is only when you get to the end of the movie that the director reveals what was important and what should have been ignored. To sit there and try to figure out if what some random character said ends up being the key to the entire plot is a waste of time and in the end you are more likely to miss a key clue than to come up with an answer when there is another hour left in the film. Just shut up, watch the movie and enjoy the experience. Not to mention, there is no real purpose in guessing the ending of a movie. Let's say you did figure out the mystery at the center of "Sherlock Holmes". Are you going to get up and leave, confident you know the ending? Of course not. You're going to sit there and wait to see how it actually ends, just like the rest of us. The bad news for you is that since you felt the need to broadcast your hypothesis for the ending, I now know that you were way off. Better to keep your guesses to yourself because now, instead of only knowing you're annoying, I also think you're an idiot.