Lost Classics

Every now and again, the various movie channels near the top of my television's guide will stop showing the same five films on their regular three-hour rotations and throws in a random movie from back in the day. And I do mean random - we're not talking blockbuster or award-winners. I can only assume they were lumped in as a package deal for a cable channel getting the rights to a more famous movie. But, even though they might not have been box office gold, these movies still hold a special place in my memory banks. Occasionally, I feel like we should celebrate these obscure movies from my childhood, in what will be a who-knows-how-frequent feature: Rakauskas's Ramblings Lost Classics. Today's movie is 1991's "Career Opportunities."

The movie stars Frank Whaley, whom you have totally seen in other projects but have no idea that is his name. He is just the type of nondescript actor that was a staple of comedies in the late 80s. Whaley plays Jim, a local loser who has had a series of part-time jobs and a habit of talking to the camera, in a blatant attempt to rip off Ferris Bueller. After getting fired from his last job, Jim's father lands him a new one as part of the overnight cleaning crew of his local Target, because back in the day your parents could get you a job without telling you and without you having to go on a single job interview. (It was a simpler time.) On his first night on the job Jim is locked in the store by his boss and left to clean the entire place all by himself. Again, entirely plausible in 1990. This, of course, leads to the obligatory movie montage of Jim cleaning using various methods and machinery to get the job done faster. The lesson being that just because you don't want to be there and no one is watching, that doesn't mean you shouldn't do a good job.

At some point during the night Jim meets up with Josie, played by a pre-breast reduction Jennifer Connolly. (The best kind of Jennifer Connolly there is.) Josie was the typical spoiled rich, popular girl in high school and hid the fact that her father was abusive from everyone (in typical 90s fashion this information is quickly glazed over). The kind of girl who was allegedly perfect on the outside, but it turns out her life isn't so perfect (another 80s movie staple). She is still in the store because she fell asleep in the dressing room while debating stealing a skirt. Again, this was the extremely early 90s, you need to just accept it and move on. During their time locked in Target together, playing with all the stuff they could open, Jim and Josie begin to form a real connection, leading to them planning to run away together with some money Josie has stolen from her father. (I don't remember the exact amount but I think it was some number like $20,000, which seemed like more than enough to last forever in my 11 year-old brain.)

However, all is not well because two crooks have also broken into the store. (What are the odds?) The crooks, who are on a robbery and murder spree, are played by a very young Dermot Mulroney and his brother Kieran. [Sidebar: I just learned they were related four seconds ago. Also, Kieran Mulroney was a writer on the latest Sherlock Holmes movie. Man, Wikipedia is awesome.] They intend to rob the Target, then kill Josie and Jim. However, Josie easily tricks the robbers because, again, this is pre-breast reduction Jennifer Connolly. Thinking she wants to run away with him, Dermot Mulroney allows her and Jim to live and loads up the car for their escape. Only Josie double crosses the robbers and takes off in their escape vehicle with all the loot, leaving Jim alone to deal with the now pissed-off killers. (With 20 years of hindsight, she's a total bitch for doing this.) But, never fear because our hero is able to outsmart the crooks using methods not seen since "Home Alone" came out four months earlier. At the end the crooks are arrested, Josie returns and she and Jim head off to California with their money and (at least it is implied) a car full of free merchandise. It is a happy ending for everyone involved, except Target's insurance company.

Let me tell you why I love this movie, even 20 years later: it is everything my 11 year-old brain wanted. I can tell you there was no greater fantasy for a kid than to be locked in a department store overnight and just run around, playing with every toy you could open. I remember that we didn't have any Targets around here at the time, but I thought they must have been the coolest stores ever. (By the amount of Christmas shopping I do there, it turns out 31 year-old me agrees.) Plus, this hits all the late 80s cliches perfectly: the slacker who steps up in the big moment, the hot girl who isn't so hot you think she's out of your league and the easily tricked villains. It is just the kind of quick and light movie that didn't make you think and you knew was going to end fine for the main characters. Every time it is on I feel like a kid again. Obviously, if you haven't seen this movie I'm going to recommend it just on the so-bad-it's-now-good factor. But, as an added bonus I'm willing to bet that you will be able to get through most On-Demand catalogs for free. So, even if you hate it, at least it didn't cost you anything.