Monday, August 31, 2009

A Fantasy Football Draft Recap

*This post is all about fantasy football. If you don't want to read it, that's ok, I won't blame you. I know that fantasy football stories are much like my golf stories in that none of you want to hear them. Just please come back tomorrow, I need the readers.

So, last night was the draft for my fantasy football league. Unlike a lot of guys, I only have one team and play in only one league. I have enough trouble keeping track of that team, I don't need to have more. Planning the draft was kind of a problem, cause the participants in this league are a little spread out. One guy is in New York, another in Miami and still another lives all the way in San Francisco. There was talk about using video conferencing, but that seemed excessive considering this isn't the actual NFL draft. Besides that, I really didn't need to see their faces as they took the Colts' third wide receiver. Also, we don't need to Skype; we're not long-lost relatives. So, while this cut down on the typical shit-talking that happens in a fantasy football draft, with everyone at their own homes at least no one felt left out of the fun and this year's draft was very quick and efficient.

If you're wondering why we still have the same guys in a league despite being so spread out, I'll tell you: when you get a good mix of people in a sports fantasy league, you desperately fight to keep that mix together. Inviting in new people can be a recipe for disaster, that's why we've kept the league at 8 instead of the typical 10, because expansion is a dicey prospect. It's very annoying being in a sports league with people who aren't good at fantasy sports. They'll leave roster spots open, forget to replace injured guys and not make subs during the bye week. It's like a free win and that's not fun. So when you have a group of people that all keep up with that kind of stuff it's imperative that they stick together. Hell, you can even be in a league with people you don't like as long as they're good fantasy owners. It can lead to conversations like this:

Guy #1: Hey, I'm heading over to Brian's, you want to come?
Guy #2: No, I can't stand Brian.
Guy #1: Oh. Well, we have the fantasy draft in a couple weeks, did you want to replace him?
Guy #2: Of course not. Don't be stupid.

We also have a good commissioner, which is key to any league. He needs to be the right mix of "dorky enough to care to organize everything" without crossing the line into "cares so much he'll constantly be changing rules for his benefit, because if he loses the league championship his year is ruined." It's a delicate mix. The one time I tried fantasy baseball the commissioner changed the rules 4 times between the draft and the start of the season and then declared that if a certain person won the league it would not count. When I called him on this I was then asked to leave the league. I haven't talked to that guy since (see, kids, sometimes fantasy sports are the only reason that some people are friends to begin with).

As for the draft itself, I hate my team (this is always my reaction, by the way). I had a bad season last year and thus had the first pick. I basically controlled the rest of the draft. We have a keeper league, which means you can keep one guy from last year's roster (another reason expansion would be difficult). It also means the big guns (Brees, Peterson, Brady) are already taken. I kept LDT from last year (which should prove how bad my team was) and wavered between Maurice Jones-Drew and D'Angelo Williams, ultimately going with Jones-Drew. When the guy after me picked Williams I almost immediately wanted to trade them for each other. My buyer's remorse comes on quickly. Picking first in a snake draft is tricky because you have the first pick, but then don't pick again until the 16th pick. It's a lot of time to watch talent come of the board. It's much better to have the 4th or 5th pick because at least then you can be in the middle of every round.

I won't bore you with all the details (I know, I know - too late), I'll just say I went very running back heavy with LDT, Jones-Drew, Frank Gore and Ryan Grant as my first 4 picks. I have no QB because I missed the first big wave and had to settle for Aaron Rodgers. Then in the later rounds it was just about finding the best available Notre Dame alum to fill out my roster. And, yes, I gambled that Brady Quinn will be Cleveland's starter. Either way I expect a return to glory this year. I've won the league 3 out of the last 4 times and anything less than a playoff run will be very disappointing.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

A Movie That Teaches

It was actually kind of cold here yesterday. Apparently, we just ended summer a couple weeks early this year. Anyways, when it's cold, rainy and the only thing on TV is coverage of the Ted Kennedy funeral it's a really good time to catch up on movies that you may have missed in the theatre. So yesterday I got around to watching I Love You, Man. I'm a big fan of Jason Segal and I think that Paul Rudd can be really funny, so I really enjoyed this movie. The basic premise is that a man (Rudd) needs to find some guy friends to fill out his wedding party. He meets Segal and hilarity ensues. The DVD features some funny extras (as you would expect from a cast like this) that make it worth the rental even if you have already seen the movie. It also serves as a reminder that Rush is an extremely underrated band. But, perhaps the most important thing this movie provided was a public service announcement; namely that ladies tend to go overboard filling out their wedding parties.

Ladies, I understand where you're coming from - you want everyone to feel included on your special day. But, here's the bottom line - some of you just need to cool it with the bridesmaids. Unless your husband-to-be comes from a huge family, anything more than six and you will be pushing the limits. I know how girls are, you can't really have that many close friends anyway. Cause here's another tip - you do not, in fact, have to have a girl as a bridesmaid just because you were in her wedding. If you were in her wedding and haven't talked to her since, she doesn't make the cut. Hell, I would discourage you from inviting her to the wedding. Also, another fun fact - those guys who are at the fringes of being asked aren't really huge on being a groomsmen. Being a groomsman is actually kind of boring. After the bachelor party (which you can go to, groomsman or not) it really boils down to having to have a lot of pictures taken while everyone else is at the cocktail hour. They're only agreeing because they either already had the groom in their wedding and want to return the favor, or because they're hedging their bets should their fiancee decided that she needs 10 bridesmaids herself (it's a lot like helping people move in that regard).

Trust me, in the end pausing to re-examine your list works out for your benefit. It's supposed to be a very special day full of very special memories. In 10 years do you want to be showing your kids the wedding album and when they ask who that man in the corner of the picture is, you have no idea?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Am I Done Yet?

One of the great things to do in life to sit down and read a really well-written book. When you're deep into a book that is thought out, structured well and put together in a way that allows the story to flow, it's nice to sit down and just read in silence. I'll polish off a good book quickly, because I won't be able to put it down. But, when a book is not very good, it becomes a chore to have to finish it. It almost feels like homework. I'll find myself constantly double-checking how many pages I have left until I'm done with it and skimming through sections. Still, I'll power my way through, because I'd rather read all of a bad book than half of one. It could turn out to have a really good ending and I wouldn't want to miss it (by the way, that almost never happens).

Recently I picked up a copy of the Manny Ramirez book, Becoming Manny. Usually I like sports books (biographies in particular), but I found this to be a tough read. As biographies goes, I think I prefer the unauthorized version. The writing itself was fine, but because this was written with a lot of help from the Ramirez family, I thought it took on a real "yeah, but..." feeling too it. All of Manny's odd behavior is quickly followed by an excuse to let him off the hook. He was raised differently than you and I... He's just shy... He's misunderstood... It's different in a Latin family. Also, due to the fact that book is co-written by a child psychologist a lot of Manny's behavior is tied to how he was raised and blame is passed off to the culture of coddling athletes from a young age. Plus the section where they talk about how "pure" Manny is are now comical when you consider the steroid allegations that have come out since the book was finished. The bottom line is this: he's kind of a weird guy, he's narcissistic and will only do something when and if he feels like it, but he hits the curveball like nobody's business. If he couldn't he would probably wouldn't be allowed to be so weird.

-Today Channel 4 was set to break in every half hour to tell us all about the damage that Hurricane Danny was doing to the area. Unfortunately, Danny sort of faded a lot over the last 24 hours and not only is it not even a tropical storm anymore, now it's not even making it all the way to Boston. But still, they scheduled a weatherman to come in for updates and by God, they're going to use him. So, every half hour while I was trying to watch golf, Barry Burbank popped up on my screen to tell it was raining. Not historic rain, mind you, just regular rain. It reminds me of a party where someone ordered a keg of a beer no one liked, despite everyone telling the person not to order it. Then you're left drinking some sort of crappy ale you don't even like, just so this guy can return the keg and get his full deposit back. If only there was a person who could have predicted that this storm was going to dissolve so that the weatherman didn't have to waste his day at work...

Friday, August 28, 2009

Twitter, But Not

-Apparently today marks the last episode of Reading Rainbow. I have to be honest, I didn't even know the show was on anymore. "Take a look, it's in a book... It's reading Rainbow." That's in your head now, isn't it? Welcome to my Friday.

-As cool as it may be that Nick Green was able to come in and pitch two scoreless innings in last night's game, I didn't think it was all that funny. The Sox were only down five runs at the time and if the offense is clicking they can make that up in two innings. Seemed like they were throwing in the towel a little early is all. Not the message you want to send when you're in the wild card hunt.

-Hold on, there's a wide receiver that's acting like whiny dickhead? That almost never happens... more than four times a season. Also, refusing to learn the playbook is not the best way to show the rest of the league that they should take the chance and trade for you.

-Last night Step Up and Step Up 2 were both on TV (you know, just in case you didn't want to have to wait to get your burning questions answered). I think that could be considered an anti-commercial for Starz.

-Speaking of terrible movies that didn't need sequals: the final Final Destination opens this weekend. Apparently it's the fourth one. Raise your hand if you knew that. And if you not only knew that, but have seen them all, take that hand and slap yourself in the back of the head.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

So Much For Private...

When Ted Kennedy passed away the other day, the family said that they were going to have a private memorial service for the Senator. Well, as I'm typing this, the Ted Kennedy funeral procession from Hyannisport to Dorcester is being carried on no less than 10 channels (even Fox News, if you can believe it). That seems a bit excessive to me. Remember when funerals were private? Now news cameras are in churches (which I have always had a bad reaction to) and hearses are followed by helicopters like it's a speed-limit version of the O.J. car chase. Apparently the only thing that's going to be private about this whole thing is the mass inside the Kennedy home. This is where the practice of sitting shiva makes so much more sense.

I get that he was a public figure, but do we need wall-to-wall coverage? It's a lot like the Michael Jackson story to me. I had initial shock, but seeing as how I didn't know the man personally, I don't feel I need to be this included. I'm curious about the story, but only need the big picture details. Perhaps a photo of the hearse as it goes past the stand where Mayor Menino will be paying his respects, maybe a quote or two from family friends. That seems like enough to me. But when you have this much air time to fill you invariable get into all the minutiae that crosses the line from relevant to "I just can't have silence here." All I know is this: if you didn't vote for Ted Kennedy but are a big fan of soap operas you, my friend, are shit out of luck today.

-Now that he's been released by the Red Sox (finally - should have traded him back in May when he still had some value), I'll give you Brad Penny's line for the first game he pitches in the National League: 6 IP, 3 ER, 2 BBs, 4Ks. Just you watch, he'll sign with some National League team still in the wildcard race (my money is on the Rockies) and be a good starter for them, right up until they need him to pitch against a quality line-up. Between Penny, Smoltz and Saito, this was not a banner offseason for Theo Epstein.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

That Almost Never Happens

I'm not overtly political, but I never hid the fact I like Ted Kennedy. We came down on the same side for a lot of hot-button political issues. Plus, he did a lot for both the state of Massachusetts and it's residents. When you come right down to it, it was a pretty simple formula: he was from my state and all the women in my life like him, which is usually good enough for me (even now I wonder who's taking the news worse: my mom, Liz or Kennedy's wife). So I was saddened to hear about his passing early this morning. Obviously he had been in failing health, but you never got the sense that the end was this near. On the whole its just a sad story and there really is nothing more you can say about it.

Instead, I'll shift the focus a little bit. A surprising fact about the news was that I found out by actually reading a newspaper. Most of the time I'll get my news from various Internet sources or by turning on the TV, but this morning I made my way downstairs without turning on either and saw the large headline on the Boston Globe. Now, as I had said Senator Kennedy had been in failing health and the Globe probably had the issue ready to go, only needing to fill in the appropriate dates to finalize the story. Still, when you stop and think about the world we live in today, with the constant "breaking news," when was the last time you walked past a newspaper and the headline actually broke news to you? In this day and age, by the time a paper comes out the news is usually 8-12 hours old.

You almost need to have blinders on to the world to make it until the morning to see yesterday's news. I typically go to bed sometime around midnight, by which time news has broken, been reported on, jackasses like me have commented on it on their blogs and we've moved on to the next breaking news story. Even if actual big news breaks overnight the newspapers wouldn't have time to run with it. Gone are the days of iconic headlines. Now, people just go for shock value. Maybe, given the way that Kennedy was an old-school Senator, it's appropriate that I learned of his death in an old-school way. Either that or I should turn my TV on first thing in the morning like the rest of the world.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Accessory Overkill

I've always like the idea of a motorcycle road trip across the country. Something about the open air and riding off into the sunset across middle America is very appealing to me. Harley Davidsons (it has to be a Harley, by the way, no crotch-rockets for me) have been romanticized for years in the movies. However, I also enjoy leg room, reclining and not getting wet if it rains. As a result, I stick to cars (Oh yeah, one more thing - I also have no idea how to ride a motorcycle). Besides, living in Massachusetts means that you only have so many days to ride, which puts motorcycles among the items that it's better to know someone that has one and will let you use theirs instead of you actually having to own it yourself (other items on the list include pools, convertibles, boats and country club memberships). Still, I get why people would like to bike their way across the country.

Today when I was at a red light I was next to a slightly older couple, probably in their mid-50's, sitting on the husband's bike. Now, they were not a small pair, so their bike was already a bit larger than standard. But, the thing that caught my eye was that they had every accessory you can buy for a cruiser: windshield, full back on the seat for the person riding in back (complete with seatbelts), MP3 player controls on the handlebars, GPS with video display, individual drink systems in addition to the multiple cup holders the bike already had, extra large luggage bags on each side and a communication system that allows them to speak directly into each other's helmets without having to shout. My point to these people is this: buy a damn car already.

-Is it wrong that, in reading this article about a body being found on Atanta Braves player Chipper Jones's ranch in Texas, the main thing that stuck with me was not the tragedy of someone losing their life, but that there have been over 80 straight days in Texas in which the temperature has topped 100 degrees? Is this ranch near San Antonio or the surface of the sun?

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Most Useless Piece of Clothing

Since Saturday's birthday party was luau themed, I figured I should get a new Hawaiian shirt for the occasion. I already had a couple, but one more couldn't hurt. Also, since there are three of them hanging in my closet, I can officially claim to have a Hawaiian shirt 'section' in there. Now, if my time on the golf course (especially down in Rhode Island) has taught me anything, it's that etiquette requires under the Hawaiian shirt should be a tank-top undershirt, more commonly known as a "wife beater." I guess that's in case, should I feel the need to walk around with my shirt unbuttoned (unlikely), I would still have my stomach covered. Plus it just really completes the look.

I don't know why, but I actually have a couple of these in my wardrobe collection. And while wearing one in the 90 degree heat of Saturday, I realised how utterly useless this piece of clothing is. The whole point of an undershirt is to provide you with an extra layer of defense, so should you either lathered on the deodorant or have a sweating issue, you've got extra coverage. Typically, I'll just use an older tee-shirt for this assignment (division championship shirts are great for just such an occasion). But, with the tank-top kind the main areas of concern remain uncovered. In other words, your armpits are still wide open. And, as I was sweating, the 'beater didn't do anything to cover up this problem. I just don't even know why they still makes these things.

-If you ever needed more proof that the National League is the way to go for aging pitchers, look no farther than the case of John Smoltz. Couldn't wait to get him out of the Red Sox rotation, but you put him against a National League line-up and he looks great. When you factor in the resurgence of Matt Holliday and Julio Lugo that just seems like further proof. I think if you're in a contract year and want one last big payday, then you need to get traded to a National League team for the stretch run. Just watch, someone will give Smoltz a deal for next year.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

First Taste of Cake

Tradition around the family has been that kids don't typically get to try cake until their first birthday. So, because it was Charlotte's birthday she was about to try cake for the first time.

As you can see, the girls came ready to respect the luau theme.

Charlotte got a nice big cake for her first birthday. Now, both Addison and Abigail were very tentative the first time they tried birthday cake, so we expected that Charlotte would do the same and ease her way into birthday cake...


...but, then again, maybe not.


"So, this is what all the hype was about. I can see why."


"Why have you been holding out on this for a whole year?"

Saturday, August 22, 2009

4 Quick Ones For A Saturday

-Here's my problem with all the new stadiums that are going up around the world today: they're full of fun things to distract you while you stand in line to spend $10 on a beer. Now, if the team you root for is bad, it can help to keep your mind off of that fact. But, it's all being done at the expense of what should come first and foremost in the construction of a stadium. If you spend a billion dollars on a sports stadium it, at it core, should be a good place to watch sports. There shouldn't be obstructed views that prevent you from seeing right field if you have bleacher seats. Most of all the architects shouldn't be so concerned with having such a big scoreboard that it makes it difficult to actually play the game.

-So, Ted Kennedy is trying to get the state to change the policy and pretty much allow him to name is own replacement when steps down. In other words, he's already planning for his death. Why, Teddy, how very Irish of you.

-The justice system in this country confused me. Run a huge dog fighting ring across a couple states? Your sentence is 20 months in prison. Shoot yourself in the leg in a nightclub? You'll do 2 years. Get drunk and high, get behind the wheel and kill someone? 24 days. Yeah, this all seems very fair.

-I think Memphis potentially getting stripped of their 38-win season should be a huge red flag for Kentucky. When you hire a guy like John Calipari, who likes to recruit these one-and-done high schoolers who have no type of loyalty to whatever institution they intend to go to for a semester, then you should fully expect some problems down the line. And, when you factor in the fact that this is the second time a John Calipari-led program has been stripped of a Final Four appearance you can not act surprised if it comes up again. While I think Calipari will be extremely cautious, because you can only dodge this kind of thing so many times, that doesn't mean that he will change his spots overnight. You've been warned.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Birthday Girl

May I just go on record as saying, Holy Crap that was a fast year. I can't believe my youngest niece turns a year old today. A quick review of her life in pictures.



She slept a lot the first couple of weeks she was around. That's what babies do, I'm told.

She's a very happy, smiley kid. Just so you know, the first time she smiles at you, you're done.


She's brilliant. She has already learned that there is no need to do something when a pillow can do it for you.

And also, she's very used to wearing crowns.
That's a skill that comes in handy for the little ladies of this family.


So Happy Birthday, Charlotte. Here's to the first of many.

Love,
Uncle Tommy

Thursday, August 20, 2009

A Heat Blizzard

Yesterday, as we entered another day of high temperatures and higher humidity, my sister pointed out that a heat wave is a lot like a blizzard. In both cases you want to just stay inside and only venture out when you have to. In both cases you have to hoard certain foods because people seem to buy in bulk when the weather gets extreme so they only have to go to the store once. Both conditions are loved by news stations: every August like clockwork you can count on a canned report on staying cool in the summer heat, just like every November comes with stories about hardware stores selling out of shovels and rock salt. Both make you change plans quickly as things are cancelled for snow or bad air quality. And lastly, both types of weather lead to people bitching about the weather and talk of moving elsewhere.

As I thought about it, I think I prefer a real blizzard to a heat blizzard. When there is snow on the ground, sure you have to shovel it away, but then you're pretty much done - everything is back to normal after a day or two. There is no physical labor required for a heat blizzard (in fact it's highly discouraged), but it seems that they last longer than a snow blizzard. Part of it is also personal preference. I just always prefer to be in cold than in hot. First off, I run hot so I'm never as cold as normal people. I have no problem golfing in February and 30 degree temperatures. However, you couldn't get me to commit to carrying a bag for 9 holes in this weather. Secondly, I have an extensive and lovely collection of sweatshirts I can put on when it gets cold. Whenever you get cold you can simply add layers - but, when its this hot out there is only so much you can take off and still leave the house.

-We'll stick with the weather theme another couple of paragraphs. For the last couple of days we have all been waiting for the line of thundershowers to roll through and signify that the heat had broken. Every day on the channel devoted only to local weather the report called for thundershowers. EVERY DAY. So you can imagine my disappointment as it hasn't rained here all week. Turns out that the storms were rolling in from the west, hitting Worcester and disintegrating. OK, fine... whatever. I'll give them a pass as they were trying to predict the future.

But today I wanted to go hit a bucket of golf balls. This was the one day that the forecast in the morning called for no rain all day. I was all set to go out when, around 2:30, the sky opened up. It was if someone was pouring a bucket of water on my house. I turned on the local weather channel and under "Current Conditions" it was a sun. Now, look, I can roll with you messing up what the weather is going to be like in 4 days, but how can you screw up right now? Turns out, I can answer my own question. You can screw up because, right after the "Current Conditions" graphic came the local doppler radar. It was blank - no rain in the area. If the radar is lying to you, then frankly, I'm not sure what your supposed to do.

The worst part was that it actually got muggier after the thunderstorms rolled through.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Colonel

I could not tell you the the last time that this family had KFC. I vaguely remember that we had it once when we were on a camping trip (it was in the RV, if that helps jog the memory). Up until last year there wasn't even one around here and we had no pressing urge to try and seek one out. Once it did open we still went about our lives without the Colonel. However, tonight my dad decided he wanted to try some of that new KFC grilled chicken. My review after the long absence is as follows: eh, it's chicken. Eat carefully and watch out for bones. The instant mash potatoes were gross. The best part of the meal was the corn on the cob on a stick and, of course, the biscuits.

But the thing that blew my mind was the Mega Jug. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of seeing one of these things it's a 1/2 gallon bucket (complete with handle and top to create a smoother pour) that you can fill with whatever soda you wish. There isn't even any ice to lighten the load - this is all soda. I couldn't imagine going through this in one meal, even with 4 people. I had a mostly empty two-liter bottle in the fridge and used the Mega Jug to re-fill it. Good thing that I had one glass from the Jug, otherwise it would have over-flowed the bottle. Even I think this is a lot of soda, and I'm a man who likes his Diet Pepsi.

Whatever, just hearing about KFC makes me think of this.

-Ok, new rule: Varitek catches Beckett from now on. I don't care how much his back or hip is hurting him. With the season slipping away, you can't waste a Beckett start. Now is not the time for the staff ace and a new catcher to be "feeling each other out."

-I need someone to explain to me how a team with a $123 million payroll still has massive holes in it. Seriously, we're pinch-running with pitchers, we have our first baseman playing left field in crucial series and can't have anyone else run for Ortiz in the late innings of a tied game. Not to mention, the bullpen is leaky. This is not a great return on the investment. It just makes me wonder if Theo could still be considered a boy-genius if he had to run the Pirates and their $25 million payroll for a year.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Just Under The Wire...

-The Brett Favre signing kind of bothers me. Not the taking forever to make a decision, or the retiring and then unretiring, because giving up something that defines you, and has since you were 10 years old, is not easy. Not even the wall-to-wall coverage of his waffling on ESPN bothered me because, apparently unlike everyone else that writes about sports, I know how my remote works. When I heard a Favre story was coming up, I change the channel. The only thing funnier to me were the anchors on ESPN complaining about ESPN's coverage of the Favre waffling. If you have such a problem with it, you could always talk to your boss since you are the ones in front of the camera.

What annoys me is that he was so determined to go only to the Vikings. It has nothing to do with the offensive system being the same. He's just pissed that the Packers couldn't deal with his act anymore and decided to move on. Conveniently he's ignoring that the Packers embraced him and his interception-throwing ways for 16 years, going out of their way to defend him and put him on a pedestal. If you wanted to keep playing that's fine, but to go to your team's rival, in the same division so you'll play them twice a year is beyond dickheaded. Given Favre's status as a Packer living legend its even worse. This goes way beyond someone like Curtis Martin signing with the Jets - this would be Jeter signing with the Sox.

-Have you ever wondered if some of your co-workers don't like you very much? You have that sneaking suspicion that they talk about you behind your back and generally wouldn't be sad if you left for another job? Well, as much as that sucks, as least your supervisor isn't breaking your jaw and then everyone else starts celebrating.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Ok, That's Pretty Impressive

Normally, I don't pay much attention to track. Even when I was on the track and field team in high school, I only worried about the "field" side of things. It probably has to do with the fact that I have no speed to speak of and track is, of course, all about speed (freshman year of college as a joke I tried to clock my 40 time - I will just say it was not good). Another reason is I just can't get excited when records are broken by a total of .001 seconds, which is how much most track records are broken by. When it's that close, to me that could be a matter of someone just taking too long to push the button. Every four years or so I'll check in on track during the Olympics, but even then it's only for the 100 meter dash.

Still, I find Usain Bolt breaking the world record in the 100 meter dash to be very impressive, because he didn't beat it by 1-100th of a second, he beat it by a full 10th of a second. He was the first person ever to break the 9.7 barrier and this weekend he crushed his own time, coming in at 9.58. Tim Gay, who was in second place, ran a very impressive 9.71, which would have been a world record at about this time last year but instead is an afterthought. Do you know what you can do in 9.58 seconds? Not very much. I bet most of the time I can't even name that tune in less than 10 seconds.

-I'm not totally surprised that Tiger finally lost with a lead in the final round of a major. We see guys who have a long history of winning come up short eventually. It happen in sports all the time: Douglas beat Tyson, Brady lost a playoff game, DiMaggio went 0-fer. The thing I'm most pissed about is that I had Y.E. Yang on my fantasy team for 3 weeks... and dropped him right before the PGA Championship. My timing sucked.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Too Bad I Didn't Bring A Book

After spending some quality time with my favorite American-turned-Dubliner, I was driving home last night on Rt. 27 pretty late in the evening. Now, for those of you who have not travelled in these parts in a while, despite sounding like a big highway, there are long stretches of Rt. 27 with no streetlights (or lights of any kind), as both sides of the road are state preservation lands. So, just to ensure I had plenty of time to spot any deer or other animal that might be inclined to wander into the road from these preservation lands, I made sure that my high beams were on. And as I drove down the road, it occured to me that a lot of people don't seem to understand the common courtesy that comes with using your high beams.

As it turns out, finally flicking off your high beams as you pass doesn't do me all that much good. You've actually already been blinding me for the last 100 yards or so. What you need to do is turn them off once you can see my headlights. Also, even though my car comes with all sorts of fun features, like a self-darkening rear-view mirror that cuts down on the glare, that doesn't mean you shouldn't also turn off your high beams if you're behind me and on my bumper. Normally, because I drive a pretty jacked-up SUV, unless the car behind me is an 18-wheeler or perhaps an F-350 I barely notice the headlights of the cars behind me. Last night, thanks to the guy behind me, I got to have an extremely bright cabin. Honestly, if we were in bumper-to-bumper traffic and I had some reading to do I may have appreciated it, because then I could have saved my battery and not had the dome light on.

-Congrat, Theo. You just had to trade a prospect to undo a move from three years ago that you never should have done in the first place. I would have rather you went back 5 years and got Orlando Cabrera, but I bet that the Twins were just willing to pay more.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Album Thoughts

There are few things in life as satisfying to the soul as when you can have a goal in mind, start it, get it done completely and have it come out as well as you could have hoped for. This is why I'm always giving myself silly projects to do in my world, because I like the feeling of completion that comes with a job well done. This week my self-assigned project was getting my iTunes in order, from correct album info and song order, to cover art for every song. I actually started last week and despite having to check the info on almost 1,000 songs (that's what I get for starting my mp3 library with an iRock instead of an iPod), I got it done in less than a week.

I know what you're thinking: "Tom, you love the Beatles, you have quite a bit on your iPod and they're not on iTunes, how did you get the correct album art on there?" I'm glad you asked. Because I believe in being beyond thorough, I would go online for any album that was missing, find a jpeg of the cover art and simply upload it to my iTunes like any other picture. Just in case you were wondering, for some reason AC/DC isn't on iTunes either, which I found weird. So, just to recap: no AC/DC or the Beatles, but all the Go West you could ever want.

Now that I've had to look up roughly 800 separate albums, I feel almost like a bit of an expert. And so I can say with conviction that when it comes to greatest hits albums, you definitely want to title it either "The Very Best of..." or "The Definitive Collection." Sure, you could just call it "Greatest Hits," but that's rather boring. One thing I am not a fan of is calling your greatest hits album, "The Essential." I will decide what is essential thank you very much and, Adam Ant, your compilation comes up very short.

Also, I think the worse album cover that I came across was Orleans' 1976 Waking and Dreaming. Honestly, who thought this was a good idea? It looks like a poster for the movie 300, only if no one lifted any weights before they started filming. Furthermore, how did the rest of the band get talked into posing like that? What was the sales pitch: "Hey guys, want to scare off any potential groupies and turn our concerts into total sausagefests?" I can't believe one of those guys became a two-term Congressman.

Friday, August 14, 2009

10 Sports Thoughts For A Friday...

Again, it's like Twitter, only not. Here are 10 things to get you to the weekend:

-Brady looked much better than expected in last night's preseason game. It's always tougher mentally to come back from an injury than it is the physical side, cause after a year without getting whacked Brady probably feels the best he has in years. It's that little part of his brain that will freak out anytime a lineman falls by his legs that he's going to have to get over and so far, so good. He was sharper than I expected and other than the one pass that turned into an interception, he wasn't hesitating to step into throws. The biggest moment of the night for me, however, was when he dove for the first down on 4th and short. Shows confidence in the knee and that's a play the Patriots need to know they can pull off.

-I guarantee, of those Patriot fans who already had their fantasy football drafts, half tried to claim Chris Baker this morning.

-You know who no one will be lining up to draft? Laurence Maroney. As he ran into the pile again and again for no gain I was reminded of how nice it was to have a guy like Corey Dillon who ran into the pile, but still managed to push it so that it was 2nd and 8 instead of 2nd and 10. The Patriots' running game is a big question going forward.

-While you can assume that teams in Cleveland, Denver and Kansas City are lining up to claim anyone that the Patriots waive, it seems like the Patriots are going to see who Oakland gets rid of. Seriously - Moss, Walter, Burgess all brought over from the Raiders. Belichick must just think if he can wash the Raiders off of them then he can turn them back in to productive players again.

-Perfect example of another a guy another team would scoop up is Julian Edelman. He does a good job of acting just like Wes Welker, but when you have the actual Wes Welker on the roster, do you also need his doppelganger? Not really, so he may not make the 53 man roster. However, he would be a nice insurance policy. But if the Patriots cut him and try to sneak him on the practice squad you'd have to imagine Denver would love for him to sign with them and fill the Wes Welker role in their offense.

-I don't get the Vick-to-the-Eagles signing. I get why a team would sign Vick - this is a land of second chances, he's paid his debt to society - all of that. I just don't get why this team signed Vick. You've got one guy who's always been on shaky ground with the fans (McNabb), who the crowds will be calling to replace the first time the team loses, and another guy (Kolb) who's the heir apparent. You wouldn't bring in Vick and all the PETA headaches that come with him just to stick him on the bench as the third guy, so where does he fit?

-So, there are new batting helmets designed by Rawlings, which allegedly can withstand the impact of a baseball up to 100 mph. The current helmets only have tolerance up to 70 mph. Some major league players don't want to wear them, cause they look a little strange. Now, I'll ignore the stupidity of that for one second (actually, I won't - I'll just ask: how stupid will you look when you have to drink all your food through a straw?) and instead focus on this - what major league pitcher is only throwing 70 mph? Even Wakefield gets into the 80's with his fastball. How were these batting helmets allowed to stick around for this long?

-Most of the time, when a team is having trouble getting people to sign up for season ticket packages, they go out and trade for a big-name player. The Nets are going a different route - they'll just give you the jerseys of good players from other teams. Nothing says "We're rebuilding... slowly" quite like giving away reversible jerseys so fans can switch allegiances at halftime.

-While we're on the subject, the reversible jersey might be the worst invention in fandom of the last 15 years. I bought one when I was young and stupid. It was Curtis Martin on one side and Terry Glenn on the other. I missed twice.

-Normally, one crappy NBA player's expiring contract getting traded for another's wouldn't even catch my eye. Except for two things:
1.) It's Quentin Richardson, getting traded for the fourth time in less than three months.
2.) He's getting traded for Mark Blount's hideous contract. Fun fact: when Blount signed that deal with the Celtics, I wrote an article for InsideHoops.com defending the deal. It led to the first time I ever Googled myself and found an entire blog post, written by some random fan, dedicated to how much of an idiot I must be. Big moment in my writing career.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Water Wizz

So, my mom brought this article to my attention, which is about Adam Sandler and crew filming a movie down in Wareham this weekend. Turns out that they're going to be taking over Water Wizz, which is the local water slide place. At first I was confused as to why they would choose Wareham to film this scene, but the more I thought about it I realised that Massachusetts is not exactly known for it's water parks and pickings were probably slim. As a bonus next summer when this movie comes out I'll be able to say, "I've been there." (This by the way, is why you don't want to watch The Departed with me, cause I say it throughout the movie.)

This article also springs a memory to life: when we were kids and would go down to Wareham, all we wanted to do was go to Water Wizz. It was not cheap to go to (especially with 4 kids) and when you consider it was only like 3 water slides you were not really getting much bang for your buck. As a result, my parents were reluctant to take us. Plus, as they would point out, our house is a block from the ocean and that's free. Our counterpoint was that the ocean does not feature any water slides and therefore can not be as good. We were persistent as kids (especially Amy) and we would nag and nag all week, usually to no avail. But, a couple times my parents finally caved and agree to take us on Saturday. As it turned out, usually that Saturday was cold and rainy and no one wanted to go to the water park anymore. Stupid Mother Nature.

-So, apparently golf has cleared the first hurdle and is on the way to becoming an Olympic sport again. I think it's a good idea in principle, but it needs to be tweaked. They want to just do a straight 72 hole tournament for the gold. That's really boring. What they should do is make it a team event, like the Ryder Cup and mix in a best ball or scramble format. Also, no caddies. I think it would be really cool to see Tiger Woods have to carry his own bag for the first time in a couple decades.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Fore!

I love this Tiger Woods story that came out early in the week. For those of you who may not have heard about it, here's the quick recap: On Sunday Tiger and Padraig Harrington were in the last group playing with the lead. Harrington was -11, Woods was -10 and the next closest guy was at -8. Baring two major collapses, the winner was coming from the final group. On the 16th tee Woods and Harrington were told they were being put on the clock for slow play. Harrington, clearly a little bit rattled and thus off his normal rhythm triple bogey for an 8. Woods birdied the hole. Tournament over.

Afterwards, Woods said that the rules official "got in the way" of a good match and shouldn't have said anything. That night there was a story that Tiger was being fined for criticizing a Tour official. The next day Tiger said that no one told him that and he wasn't being fine. I can only imagine that it was because the conversation went something like this:

PGA Official: Tiger, we can't have you criticizing our officials on TV. We're going to fine you for that.
Tiger: No, you're not.
PGA Official: Good call. But, don't do it again.
Tiger, staring a hole through him: ...
PGA Official: Then again, if you see something that could be corrected, feel free to speak up.

Now, on the one hand the rule is the rule so I can see why they put Harrington and Woods on the clock. There is no point to have rules if you're not going to enforce them. Frankly, I wish they would do this more on the local muny courses and maybe a round wouldn't take me four and half hours. But, these were the only two guys on the course so they weren't holding anyone else up and clearly, at this point, the winner was going to be one of these two guys. Every now and again you can let some stuff slide. Plus, it's not like they were going to be way over - 5 minutes tops. I can't imagine that the ratings for the evening news would suffer that much. It was the equivalent of pulling someone over for speeding when they're going 47 in a 45. Sometimes you can look the other way, is the point.

-Tiger's win was his second in a row and the 4th time this year that he's won the tournament before a Major. Seeing as how he hasn't won a Major this year, I'm not picking him for the PGA Championship. Hazeltine National is stupidly long this year (7,600+ yards) so you need to be a big hitter with accuracy. Sounds just like Tiger. But, I'm still not falling for it and instead I'm going with Hunter Mahan. Hunter, I apologize in advance.

-Not that I had any pressing urge to go there anyway, but now that Venezuela has seen an increase in the anti-golf push across the country, I'm really not adding it to my travel destination wish list.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

It's Not The Heat...

It's really been humid around here lately. It's that kind of humid that when the wind blows it's not refreshing - it just feels like someone blowing their hot breath in your face (how's that for a visual?). As a result, I've been hiding in the air conditioning and don't have much for you today, so you're just getting some Celtic Quick Hits.

-I've got to say that I love the Celtics resigning Glenn Davis for that contract. I wasn't totally for the move when it looked like he was going to be able to get big bucks, but with the free agent market drying up pretty quickly and teams not having the cap space they expected, Davis was left with few options that would pay him well and put him on a good team. So, with all things pretty much equal, he signed with the Celtics for 2 years and $6 million and for once an NBA player has signed a contract that is in line with what he should be paid. In two years when the market is better he can try for a better contract somewhere else or the Celtics could have more money to give him with Rasheed Wallace and Ray Allen off the books. But, really, what this does is solidify the fact that the team has two years to pull in another championship. After that it may be back to lottery land.

-I also like the Shelden Williams deal. I think he can be a solid player. He was just the product of being taken way too high in a bad draft and so he's had the bust label following him around ever since. The thing about Duke players is that they never seem to be guys you can build a franchise around, but they are always solid contributors on good teams. He'll make a good sub for Perk.

-I was thinking about going out to be the new Lucky at Celtics games. I figure I have the spirit and I would really like to go to all the home games for free. But, something tells me I'm too big to be taken seriously as a Leprechaun.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The State of Music

After a prolonged period of procrastination, I've finally gotten back to updating my iTunes library. I'm making sure that the music that is on there is up to date with the correct album information and cover art. In addition, I've been going through my CD collection and adding music that had previously escaped being put in the library. I have a habit of going away from certain music for a long period of time. For example, I love Van Halen, but I have gone through a bit of a lull with them and haven't listened in a long while, so they weren't on my iTunes. But, that problem has since been corrected.

The second part of this music project was going through a large collection of mixed CDs that I had made when I had access to a radio station's music catalog. This is where I found a lot of songs of artists that I enjoyed, just not enough to buy the entire album. Anyways, as I was uploading one of these CDs, I found myself blanking on the artist time and time again. I could not, for the life of me, remember who some of these guys were. As I started looking them up, almost all of them were from CDs that had come out in 2005, so it's not like these were songs from that long ago. It got me thinking about how disposable music from this decade has been. For example, do you guys even remember the "Lean Back" craze? I had forgotten all about it until I found it on a random CD this weekend.

Another one of the songs on this CD was Simon & Garfunkel doing "Bridge Over Troubled Water" from their concert in Central Park*. Now, that's a song that stands the test of time. If I can't remember who sang songs that came out 4 short years ago, what are the odds that any of this stuff will be memorable over an even longer period? Moreover, do we even have transcendent artist anymore? Could anybody out there today pull off a concert in Central Park, or would the place be woefully empty? I can't think of a single act who could pull of a concert of that size. People say that the reason musical acts come and go is because people today are too plugged in, too hyper and are too quick to look for the next big thing. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced artists would stick around longer if they put out some music that wasn't as pre-packaged and disposable.


*I know what you're thinking: "Tom, are you saying that you had Terror Squad and Simon & Garfunkel on the same CD?" You bet your ass I did. It also featured Guns 'n Roses and Kelly Clarkson. When I make you a mix CD you're about to go on a musical journey - strap in.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

That's A New One

One time when I was at the DMV, I saw a woman being given 5 chances to answer a question that only had four options. After trying the same answer twice she finally got the right answer through the process of elimination and was passed for her efforts. (She is currently sharing the road with you - don't you feel safer already?) They're not the most stringent people at the DMV, is my point.

Given that standard, I'm rarely surprised when I see people acting like idiots on the road. So yesterday I barely batted an eyelash as I drove down the road and was behind a guy who had his left turn signal on for almost two miles. While annoying, it wasn't that big of a deal. But, then he did something I did not expect: when he noticed that his blinker was on, he turned off his left one... and turned on his right blinker. He then drove for another couple of miles with his right blinker on. Apparently, he was just trying to even himself out.

-I think G.I. Joe opening with a $60 million weekend is just further proof that the life of a movie critic is one where no one really cares about your opinion. The few that saw an advance screening were killing it and those that didn't get to see it beforehand couldn't wait to put out unfavorable reviews on Friday. Meanwhile, I skipped out of the theatre on Friday and told everyone I know to go see it. Josh, who hadn't intended to go for a couple weeks, had his interest peaked by my raving about it, saw it opening night and loved it. It got to sting when word of mouth carries more weight.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

G.I. Joe

It's rare that I look forward to a new movie coming out. Often times I'll see a preview and think "I would like to see that," but it's more of an "eventually" versus an "as soon as possible" feeling. However, I grew up addicted to G.I. Joe. I had damn near every toy you could imagine. Until an age that I would rather not disclose I didn't keep many clothes in my closet, because they got in the way of the various bases I had set up around my room. So, when I saw the previews for a live-action movie, I was pretty excited. The movie looked good, but also I just wanted to make sure they didn't end up shitting all over my childhood. When they announced that the film makers were not going to pre-screen the movie for the press, I did not take that as a good sign.

Still, I was going opening day, come hell or high water. Now, I'm not such a dork that I went to a midnight show or anything (at just under 2 hours, I'm not sure that I would have stayed awake watching it until 2 am - it sucks getting older). I didn't even go to the first show of the day... I had the restraint to hold out until the 2nd showing. The cinema at Patriot Place is quickly moving up the list as my go-to theatre: 1:20 in the afternoon, the day the movie opened and there were only about 30 people in the theatre. Not sure if this speaks more to the movie or the theatre, but I'll take the space when I can get it and I had most of the row to myself. It's better than the alternative of being surrounded by people who insist on talking. I got there admittedly pretty early (and I got a free movie poster out of it - go me) and braced myself for what potentially could have been a bad experience. Happily, I was way off.

This movie was fucking fantastic. It had a ton of action, wasn't too reliant on the green-screen technology and the story moved at a pretty brisk pace. As with all of these kinds of movies (based on comic books and so the dork half of the theatre is way ahead of the other half), they had to take time to tell the back stories of some of the characters, but they worked it in pretty well, not holding the rest of the story up too much. To further keep the dorks happy they snuck in enough elements of the TV show and the comic books, with references to kung-fu grip and knowing being half the battle, to make my inner geek jump up and cheer. My only complaint is that, again, with most comic book movies, it almost felt like this movie was just a set-up for the sequel. It doesn't really end, just more like it takes a pause. You can tell the sequel is already green-lit by the fact that they had guys like Brendan Fraser in for 2 scenes - he wouldn't have agreed to such a small part unless he has a bigger role next movie.

Now, I won't be surprised when the critics kill this movie. But, I would just like to say in its defense that this isn't a movie made for critics. Of course these people won't like G.I. Joe - it's not trolling for an Oscar. But, unlike Benjamin Button, things actually happen. If you like tons of action, then my advice is that you ignore the critics and go check this movie out. Hell, I'll go with you, cause I would gladly see it again.

Friday, August 7, 2009

An Appropriate Response

On the whole, I love Craig's List. Honestly, where else can you shop for a car, golf clubs, a new job, an apartment and a girlfriend all at once? The thing is, you can't go in expecting to be getting great stuff all the time, because if it was a great item, it wouldn't be listed in the "Free" section. People just want this stuff out of their house (I've sold stuff on Craig's List and that's exactly what I was thinking). You need to think of it as more like the world's largest yard sale. This mentality should also apply to the job section, which I find to be especially frustrating. A lot of them turn out to be internships, only you don't realise it until you get halfway through. Even more of them are supposed to be real jobs, but offer almost no money in relation to the amount of work they want you to do. This is where the yard sale mentality needs to kick in. Bigger companies with better jobs are on sites like Monster and Media Bistro.

This frustration with the job section is just another place to show how I'm wired differently from other people. When I see job posts like this I simply think "That's not enough money," close the link and keep searching. But, the new trend on Craig's List is to create a new post, slamming the person who posted the job. These posts are often in all capital letters, just in case you were wondering if the re-poster was mad. I often imagine them yelling at the computer screen as they are typing it out (otherwise, why use capitals?). Also, as is often the case, spelling and grammar are the first casualties of anger. Choose and chose are often mixed up and you don't even want to get me started on usage of they're vs their. This is especially ironic because I'm usually looking in the writing job section so you would think these people, more than any other, would be on top of this kind of thing. Also, if you're only using Craig's List to find a job, then you're not being very smart about your search. Still, Craig, if you would just make an internship section of your web page a lot of this could be avoided.

-Ding, Dong the Smoltz experiment is dead. Good thing, too. I couldn't take much more of him trying to rehab an injury while simultaneously killing the hopes for an AL East Division crown. Really, enjoy the NESN booth, John. Too bad the only option we have to replace him with is 38 year-old Paul Byrd. Not giving up Bucholz for Halladay is looking worse and worse by the day.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Just GO Already...

This afternoon was supposed to be spent going to Lowe's so that my father and I could get supplies for all the home improvement projects that we have to tackle. We need to replace the shed doors, put more solid edging around the bushes that are against the house, mulch that area and the area in front of the house and also at some point we have to start the process of tiling the bathroom. But then we left the house without the list, it's my dad's day off and who really wants to spend their day off thinking about home improvement? Instead we went out to lunch, looked at golf bags, checked out the construction going on at my aunt's house and hit a bucket of balls. We did spend 5 minutes at Lowe's looking at edging, so we at least made some progress.

During this slacking we ate at the 5 Guys restaurant in Dedham and as we were leaving we passed a couple of crosswalks with shoppers in them. Now, I've greatly reduced the amount of time I spend shopping at malls in the past year, so I haven't been near them since Christmas. And I think at that time the parking lot is so full of cars that I spend my time looking for a parking spot and not paying attention to other people. So, it wasn't until today that I noticed there are two types of people at crosswalks: the gamblers and the timid. You know which one you are.

The gamblers have blinders on to the world and they're just going. You're supposed to stop and they know it, so they're going without checking. It's your responsibility to not hit them, not the other way around. Also, they're going, but they're not going fast. You will watch them walk slowly through the crosswalk, and you will like it. These people own the streets of Cambridge. The timid, on the other hand, are not going unless they are instructed. Just cause you can see them doesn't mean you're not a psycho who will gun the engine once they come off the curb. They've seen the news, there are sick people out there (they'll tell you all about it if you have the unfortunate timing to be standing next to them). They're not going until they get the wave-through. The bonus, though, is that once you wave them on, they sprint across the street so as to not further annoy you. Still, I think I find the timid more annoying. If we have come to a complete stop, that is your signal to go. Do not get greedy and expect a wave in addition to us stopping. At least with the gamblers the experience is over quicker.

-I got an email today from Adidas with a new "Build Your Own Belt" promotion. You can pick the color, style and belt buckle. I can't think of anyone this would be worse for than me. Half the time I forget to even put a belt on. It's not until I'm walking and my pants start falling down that it dawns on me thats what I forgot to grab this morning.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

5 Football Quickies..

You may think that just because it's August, it's too early to turn our collective attention to football season. Well, it's still a little early, but not so much so that I felt like I could skip these.

-I hope the Patriots know what they're doing. It's never wise to anger a man of Gutz's stature. Also, next to Brady, he's got the most time in the system.

-Proving once again what we already know, no one cares about T.O. And that shows by the fact that almost no one watched his reality show. It came in as the 798th ranked show this weekend (that's the real number, I didn't even make it up). You see, here's what reality TV producers need to understand about trying to put on a sports-theme show: nothing that you produce will be any better than the games themselves. In the end, that's all sports fans care about seeing.

-Another thing we all like watching is a perfectly sappy sports movie. I read this book and it was fantastic. I can pretty much guarantee this movie will be added to my collection at some point.

-$97.5 million for Eli Manning? That seems a lot for a guy who I still wouldn't totally trust in the 4th quarter of a close game (obviously he can do it, I just wouldn't bet my life on him doing it). He still makes a few too many boneheaded mistakes to warrant being one of the three highest paid players in the league.

-Looks like the AFL will be closing it's doors forever. While I was never a fan of the league, it clearly filled some kind of purpose. But, rather than looking at it as a failed enterprise, let's instead focus on the positive and the deals to be had. Now is a great time to get some merchandise or equipment at what I'm sure will be great discounts (I'm particularly fond of the Kansas City Brigades and Arizona Rattlers logos).

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Sharks...

As it is once again Shark Week (honestly, doesn't it seem to get earlier every single year?), the Discovery Channel has all types of new programs debuting this week about sharks. As per usual, it's the great white shark that hogs the attention, and they should (best movie about great whites was Jaws, best movie about mako sharks was Deep Blue Sea - no comparison). Now, I'm not the type of person who sits around waiting for Shark Week to start, but I do enjoy a lot of these programs. Maybe it's because in the back of my mind I think it's still possible I could take up scuba diving and want to know all the safety precautions I can before going in the water. Or it could be that everything else is in repeats and I hate reality shows.

Anyway, last night there was a show on the scavenging skills of great whites, because even after 500,000 shark documentaries there's bound to be one thing we haven't learned about them yet (Do they like the music of Madonna? We'd better check. But, again, 6 trips to the moon was more than enough). During one segment, the film crew stumbled upon the sharks eating what was left of a whale that had died. There was still quite a lot of whale left to be had, so the sharks were going at this thing like hyenas. The leader of this little scientific expedition grabbed a camera and climbed on top of this whale carcass so he could film the great whites from a distance of about two feet. He was all excited because no one had ever filmed great whites eating so close.

Sir, there is a reason for that. Cameras now come with a sweet new feature called a 'zoom lense.' They give you the chance to film something closely, while not actually being all that close. That's why no one had filmed great whites from less than two feet - because technology has evolved to the point that no one has to. We've gotten to a place where you don't have to take stupid risks to get a nice picture. At one time the sharks were shaking the whale's remains so violently that the researcher almost fell in the water. In my opinion, it would have served him right to fall in during this feeding frenzy. It would have been poetic, like when the Grizzly Man was eaten by a grizzly bear. Also, we could have gotten the closest picture ever of what it looks like when a great white eats someone.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Dear Mother Nature,

Hi. Love your work. That thing you did yesterday, right after I mowed the lawn, with the bunnies, squirrels and birds suddenly coming out of the woods? Very dramatic - Walt Disney ain't got shit on you. But, I feel like you and I should clear up a little misunderstanding that's happened between us. A couple weeks ago, I mentioned that it still felt like spring around here and that summer still hadn't hit yet. Temperatures were in the 70's with low humidity and while it rained a lot in June, July had been nice and normal, with rain only a couple days a week. Perhaps it's because you can't get inflection on a blog post, or maybe it's because I'm overly sarcastic, but whatever the reason you thought I was complaining. I wasn't.

My comments about the weather were not meant to spur you on to ratchet up the heat index, making it 85 with 90% humidity and generally feel as though Massachusetts has been placed into a giant sauna. After mowing the lawn yesterday my shirt weighed about 10 pounds and by the time I was on the second tee box this morning I had a small river of sweat going down my back. I have never wanted thunderstorms to roll through as much as I do now, if only for the hope that cooler air will roll in behind them. Really, if we could go back to the part where it was mid 70's with low humidity the whole day, that would be great. Thanks.

-Next summer could someone please remind me when the Pan-Mass Challenge will be taking place? We were trying to bring furniture down to Wareham on Saturday (the last pieces of furniture, or so I am told) and because of all the bikers every route we tried was clogged with cars who were working around detours. 495 had pockets of traffic at almost every exit. When we couldn't take anymore we tried the back roads to Wareham and they were even worse. Honestly, I'll write them a check if they reconfigure a new route for next year's event.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

57 Things...

Oh yeah, a stolen generic "list" post. C'mon, it's Sunday - you can't expect my best stuff on a Sunday. But you can thank my editor's eye for noticing certain numbers were skipped and now the numbers have been corrected.

57 Things You Can’t Possibly Know About Me

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
Nothing in the backseat, golf clubs and a roadside kit behind the row of seats. Can't beat SUVs for cargo space.

2. When was the last time you threw up?
I think it was right after Thanksgiving, when the nieces brought the plague.

3. What’s your favorite word or phrase?
Any variation that has the word 'fuck' in it.

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?
No one... but, I haven't seen anyone yet today.

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Sleeping.

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Emptying the dishwasher. It's quite exciting around here on Sundays.

7. Have you ever been to a strip club?
C'mon, it's practically part of orientation for college.

8. What is the last thing you said aloud?
I believe it was something along the lines of "yuck" upon noticing that the dishwasher didn't do a great job of cleaning some of the forks.

9. What is the best ice cream flavor?
I've always been partial to a chocolate/vanilla swirl.

10. What was the last thing you had to drink?
My typical morning bowl of tea.

11. What are you wearing right now?
A. You're a pervert for asking.
B. Basketball shorts... which is another way of saying I'm still in my pajamas. Love the lazy Sunday.

12. What was the last thing you ate?
burger and fries that I had for dinner last night

13. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Nope

14. When was the last time you ran?
Since you didn't specify how long you need to run for it to qualify, I had to run to cut off Brewski yesterday.

15. What’s the last sporting event you watched?
Sox game last night

16. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dublin to visit Liz, then to Vegas for some golf (I'm assuming in this scenario I'm rich...)

17. Ever go camping?
Oh sure, I love camping.

18. Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
No. I don't usually have anything else in my hands at the time. I'm kind of focused on what I'm doing... aim is critical.

19. What is your guilty pleasure?
Reese's Peanut Butter cups and terrible movies that I hope people don't notice I own. If they do I blame ex-girlfriends for mixing our movie collections (sorry, ladies, but I totally throw you under the bus).

20. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Almost never.

21. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
Only at the movies or when ordering from a drive-through

22. What did your last text message say?
I'm not your Buddy, Guy! (it's from South Park)

23. Are you someone’s best friend?
Isn't that a question for them?

24. What are you doing tomorrow?
Waking up, showering, job hunting, editing, surfing the web, plotting to take over the world.

25. Where is your mom right now?
Wareham. That's as specific as I can be.

26. Look to your left, what do you see?
myself... I have a large mirror for my closet door. And I need a shave.

27. What color is your watch?
Silver. Also, dust-colored, as I almost never wear a watch. But, I still like to make sure the battery is good - I'm weird like that.

28. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Outback Steak House... mmm, steak. I'm sure for Australians this would be as insulting as saying TGIFridays represents America.

29. Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Yes, which is how I know I would much rather hold coats, purses and prizes won that day than go on another one.

30. Birthstone?
I don't know, and I'm not looking it up.

31. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through?
drive through... if I have time to go inside I'm eating somewhere nicer than fast food place.

32. Do you have any friends on Facebook that you actually hate?
I don't have Facebook, but I know there are people on there I'm not fond of. Allow me to elaborate: just the other day, I got an email from Facebook, reminding me that people have invited me to sign up. I get this email all the time. But, this particular email, the four faces they choose to show me as examples of who wants me on Facebook were a random Lithuanian dude and 3 ex-love interests. Scrolling further down the email under the "Other people you might know" section, were pictures of those 3 ex-love interests' new boyfriends/husbands. Not exactly the kind of people I'm in a rush to reconnect with.

33. Do you have a dog?
sadly, no.

34. Last person you talked to on the phone?
My aunt

35. Have you met anyone famous?
Yes. Though, I'm still kicking myself for not talking to Steve Carell when I randomly saw him in the Braintree Sports Authority years ago.

36. Any plans today?
mowing the lawn, shower, going to Play It Again Sports, watching golf, Sunday dinner with the family... living like a rock star.

37. From whom did you get this?
the Notorious Elizabeth Jane.

38. Are you happy?
Quite, thanks for asking.

39. Where are you right now?
my bedroom.

40. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
People who don't respond to emails in a timely fashion, if at all.

41. Last song listened to?
"Birthday Sex" by Jeremiah. I didn't think it was a real song until I looked it up and now it's stuck in my head. The chorus is rather catchy.

42. Last movie you saw?
(500) Days of Summer. And if anyone asks, it was in the theatre and not a bootleg copy off the web. That would be wrong. (quick review: Not bad. They make it pretty clear how the movie is going to end at the very start, which I'm not a fan of, but still a decent movie.)

43. Are you allergic to anything?
poison ivy, bees.

44. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
Just my sweet green and white sneakers.

45. Are you jealous of anyone?
No

46. Are you married?
Nope

47. Is anyone jealous of you?
Can't imagine why.

48. What time is it?
GAME TIME!
Sorry, that's a reflex. It's 11:08 AM.

49. Do any of your friends have children?
Yes

50. Do you eat healthy?
No. But, I know I don't... do I get any credit for that? I mean, isn't admitting you have a problem a good first step?

51. What do you usually do during the day?
surf the web for freelance work, job hunt for something more permanent, play some Tiger Woods '09...

52. Do you hate anyone right now?
No.

53. Do you use the word ‘hello’ daily?
Yep

54. How many kids do you want when you’re older?
2. But the psychic said I'm not having kids and she's been right about a couple things so far, so I guess I'm getting shut out.

55. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
The big 3-0. As it's a birthday that ends in 5 or 0, I'm actually planning on celebrating it this year. Big step.

56. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes. There were boats that you could drive and fire tennis balls at the other boats.

57. How did you get one of your scars?
a terrible boot/swing set accident. Though, to be fair, that's more of a dent than a scar.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

The Opposite Effect

When I upgraded my computer last year, I cleaned out a lot of crap. Old files, file-sharing software and unnecessary games that I don't play anymore were all deleted. Since that time I have made a much better effort to make sure that I know the sites that I'm going to, what I'm downloading and from where. My computer is nice and fast with a solid Internet connection and I'd like to keep it that way. So, imagine my annoyance when my computer slows down considerably. And, it's even more annoying when you consider the source of what is slowing my computer down - my virus scan software.

Every Friday my automatic scan kicks on and when it does it slows my whole system down to the point that it's useless to even try to do anything. Surfing the web takes forever and even if I can get online I get a little pop-up almost immediately telling me my computer is low on virtual memory. The worse part is that while it takes forever to scan my computer, the scan only finds the same spam program over and over each week... and then proceeds to tell me that it cannot completely remove the file. Well, thank God you just wasted 4 hours scanning my computer. Then I have to reboot my computer or else it stays sluggish even after the scan is over. It's really not the ringing endorsement they were probably hoping for.

-The worst part about the whole steroid scandal is that I can't go to my normal sports websites for the next couple of day. The Red Sox homer fans are there to defend Ortiz with irrational "say it ain't so" logic, everyone else is there to write witty comments like "2004*" and the result is nothing I want to read. Makes me realise I should expand my Internet horizons beyond the same 4 websites that I bounce between all day.

-How big of a dick must Adam LaRoche be? Sox had him for about 10 days before deciding that splitting time between Youkilis, Lowell and LaRoche wasn't going to work. He must have been really pleasant to be around. And speaking of the trade deadline, I know the Sox needed another bat for the lineup, but when you've got a glut of guys who can play 1st and 3rd and need to get them all playing time, was adding a guy who is a C/1B really the best idea? There were no outfielders with power to try and get?

-Are you curious as to how humid it is around here? Here's your answer: yesterday it was so humid that the glue on the letters in our mailbox came undone.

-John Daly shot a 51 on the front 9 yesterday, including a 10 on the first hole. Been there, John (actually, depending on the course, I would be thrilled with a 51). At least you rebounded with a 37 on the back 9. I haven't mastered that part yet.