That's Stupid... Does It Come In Blue?

The other day my dad was sitting at the kitchen table, flipping through all the various catalogs we get because he too would like to know why we get so many. At the time he was looking at the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, which features a lot of little gizmos and gadgets that you would never think to buy any other time but Christmas. That is when the following conversation took place:

Dad: Who needs this stuff? Nothing in here is for normal people. Really, who are the people who buy these products? Look at this, a [REDACTED]. Who would ever use that?
Mom: Wait, how much is it? I have [REDACTED] in the grab this year and I could get him that. I bet he would get some use out of it.
Dad: It's $30.
Mom: Perfect, I'll order that for him.

So, as it turns out, we are those people.

-Ok, so I know last week I said I wasn't going to talk about this Tiger Woods story any further, but as more and more women come out of the woodwork it's too big to ignore anymore. I will say this about the man: he's willing to give anyone a try. These women have been both blond and brunette, younger and older than him, of a couple different ethnic backgrounds and run the professional scope from waitress at a pancake house to porn star. Given that nine have already come out I can only assume that nine more will, giving him one for every hole on a golf course (or at least five more so he can have one for every major championship).

At this point I have two pieces of advice for Tiger. First, release the full list of names of every girl you've cheated with. Get it over with and try to minimize the damage that they can do individually by making TMZ cover them all at once. This will prevent any fame-hungry liars from popping up, get the truth out there and stop new allegations from trickling out every couple of weeks (this is also what MLB should do with their steroid list.) He wants some distance between himself and this scandal by the time the Masters rolls around. Secondly, do not go on Oprah. The last thing you want is to be sitting in a room with your pissed-off wife and 400 other pissed-off females, none of whom will be all that interested in hearing a damn thing you have to say. Nothing good can come of it. Speaking of nothing good can come of it, I have no idea why Woods is trying to re-work his pre-nup to give Elin more money if she stays two more years. Normally I'm against divorce, especially when there are children involved, but... dude, c'mon. You've been married for five years and apparently cheating the entire time. Clearly you aren't the marrying kind, so why not be thankful you had a good lawyer and cut your losses?

One last comment from Stephen, then I'm done.

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